Trying to have boundaries

[Healingtrust]

 
This all very new to me but I need some support and lost a lot of my friends because of this relationship.  My qualifier is not diagnosed and I can't do that but from all the material I've read for the past 2 years I'm pretty sure she is BPD.  I am always walking on eggshells and I am a shadow of my former self.  I feel very responsible to her yet she is so angry even if I shut the blinds different then what she wants and she is so angry and she is not going to see she is ill or try to understand BPD if fact she'll say others are it but not her.  I'm exhausted and broke and unemployed ready to loist my place (she said move in with her, I can't that will kill me) after the past three years.  I guess I'm here cause it feels the safest thing to do right now.
Thank you!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Healingtrust and Welcome! 

This is the right place to come if you are trying to set boundaries.  Many if not most of us have struggled with this and I for one still do have a way to go!  There are great lessons and articles here to aid with that, as well as member experience.  What specifically are you trying to set these boundaries around?
 
Maybe you could tell us a little more about the r/s.  I take it you are split up now as you're posting on one of the relationship ended boards?  From the sounds of it you were together for 3 years and looking into BPD for the last 2 of these.  What were the behaviours that led you to look into BPD?

Sorry to hear about how you're feeling right now and for this reason I'm glad you came here for support.  We can relate to this.  Reaching out is a positive step.  Keep reading and posting and you'll find you're not alone.  We're here for you.

Love and light x

[Freeatlast_1]

Sadly, Setting boundaries is not the easiest thing to accomplish. Because the process will result with a lot of ups and downs, fights and insults and disrespectful comments etc. These people don't like boundaries, they are not reasonable, and will fight with all their might. It's like dealing with a three-year-old,They will kick and punch as you watch, and you're supposed to not feel any of that?. My experience is classic, she would do anything to deflect and blame. BLAME IS THE NAME OF THE GAME! Any discussion as mild as it could be will lead to arguments eventually. Because there is an internal tape recorder in her the keeps playing "You have to take accountability" "you're dismissive" etc.  Basically she wants some submissive partner who will apologize for things that she does no matter what. I realized that my issue is not that I don't apologize, for my mistakes, but how can somebody apologize for anything they do is they're being treated with utmost disrespect and volatility?. It's like if they get offended by something you say, they lash out insulting and then they say you don't validate their feelings and you don't take accountability for your action. But how can you take accountability somebody just lashed out at you yelled screamed and insulted you? Now the issue has become disrespect and that's not allowed in my world. I think the conclusion of this was I realized that I'm someone that will never tolerate disrespect, no matter what. Loving someone does not mean allowing them to walk all over you, it involves mutual trust and respect and "love is not enough". If I truly loved myself I won't let her abuse me to this extent, and if I don't truly love myself, how can I love her? Setting boundaries means that it is okay for them to call you names disrespect to you, punch you, during this "training process" and then you just have to say this is unacceptable and walk away. And maybe disappear for day or so to let them know that this behavior is not acceptable. But I don't know about you I'm completely repelled by this behavior. Not to mention I get severely hurt every time. Where is the self love there? Why would you put yourself in the situation? We have been breaking up and making up countless times, and I've decided to actually walk away the final last time. It boils down to integrity, I really realize that allowing her to behave that way is not her issue it's mine, and me tolerating it all along is not her issue either. And it's not because she's so amazing, but because I had false beliefs about myself that I might not find better or might not deserve better. Now I'm dealing with all these issues within me, so I don't get into that crap again.