Book Suggestion on Polarized Relationships + Question on Changing Dynamics

[FlawedDesign]

Hi all,

I guess I am on a roll today; happen to have some time. 

I just read a review of what sounds like an interesting new book: "The Less You Know the Sounder You Sleep," by Juliet Butler. 

This is appropriate for people trying to understand Personality Disorders.  It is the true story of Russian conjoined twins, born in the former Soviet Union under Stalin.  Nothing was able to be done at that time about their medical condition, so they grew up conjoined, unfortunately.

The aspect of this story that reflects Personality Disorders is that, according to the author, one twin was kind, caretaking and Co-dependent, and the other twin was the extreme opposite, with a Psychopathic nature.  And more, this was an apparent reflection of their parent's personalities  --  mother was gentle and caretaking, while father had a psychopathic temperament. 

Worse than a marriage of these extreme polarized types, because the gentle twin could never get away from the pathological one.  She lived a nightmare, apparently.  These twins died at 53.

I have been interested in learning the dynamics of polarized unions, although this is found most frequently in romantic relationships/marriages.  Here in this story is an example of an even more extreme form, in which two absolutely tempermentally polarized individuals are forced to go through life together.  No respite for the defenceless caretaker, against the twin Psychopath.  Horror plus. 

Polarized personality types attracting one another seems to be a pattern in human nature, for good or bad. Echo and Narcissus.  I think the best relationships are probably lived in the middle. 

So, if a caretaking, self-sacrificing Co-dependent were to be able to change, and become less caretaking of everyone else /more self-caretaking, what would happen to a relationship like this, supposing we are not talking conjoined twins, but a regular romantic relationship or marriage?  Would the entire dynamic of the relationship change, once one person shifts?  Would this shift by one partner encourage the other partner to shift as well, so as to "match" the new dynamic?

Just wondering.

FD   

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi FlawedDesign,

It is an interesting thought to propose, the comparison of living with someone you are literally joined to physically and the comparison to the emotional joining which is present in codependency.

So, if a caretaking, self-sacrificing Co-dependent were to be able to change, and become less caretaking of everyone else /more self-caretaking, what would happen to a relationship like this, supposing we are not talking conjoined twins, but a regular romantic relationship or marriage?  Would the entire dynamic of the relationship change, once one person shifts?  Would this shift by one partner encourage the other partner to shift as well, so as to "match" the new dynamic?

I believe nothing exists in a vacuum. In other words, when one dynamic changes, another changes to make up for the difference. That being said, my T shared a good thought which has helped me along the way. If I lift up the end of a weight, for example, I expect for the other person (I.e. my husband) to pick up the other end. He may well chose to not pick up the weight and help carry the load. I need to understand this and adjust my expectations to be realistic.

I have been co dependent and still struggle with many of the traits, but I am not as co dependent as before. The dynamics of our relationship have changed. Not all the changes have been for the better, and that's been a personal struggle for me. If I had not changed and tried to become more healthy, then our relationship would've stayed the same, stable and dysfunctional albeit functional in the sense of a great cost to not only me but also DH. Does that make sense?

My healthiness has been of greater importance to me, pulling me on like a magnet to reach for mental health. The pressure from DH to go back to what was has been tremendous. He is not BPD, yet exhibits so many traits that I am familiar with that I saw in my uBPDm.

So to answer your question, the hope is that the partner would change to match the new dynamic, however the reality is that this may not happen. There will be some form of change no matter what.

Have you been working on co dependency issues as well? How is it going for you?

Wools