What if pwBPD moves away from school, activities?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone,

StbxuBPDw is going apartment hunting. She is taking D15 along. One address that she left on her bedside table is far from the natal home, school & activities. I live in an urban area and commuting traffic is terrible. D15 needs to get to school every day and needs a ride 4 days a week after school to activity. I usually take D15 to school, pwBPD takes from school to activity, and I pick up from activity in the evenings. How is this dealt with in custody arrangements? We do not have any temporary custody orders. Finally, the apartment appears to be a small 1-bedroom with a kitchenette (and Murphy bed?). Is this an appropriate place for pwBPD to have D15 during her custody time? I've been exploring whether I can get the house or renting a 2-bedroom apartment in same relative area so D15 can have consistency with school & activity. Am I off base with this?
--
RP

[RedPill]

Hello everyone,

StbxuBPDw is going apartment hunting. She is taking D15 along. One address that she left on her bedside table is far from the natal home, school & activities. I live in an urban area and commuting traffic is terrible. D15 needs to get to school every day and needs a ride 4 days a week after school to activity. I usually take D15 to school, pwBPD takes from school to activity, and I pick up from activity in the evenings. How is this dealt with in custody arrangements? We do not have any temporary custody orders. Finally, the apartment appears to be a small 1-bedroom with a kitchenette (and Murphy bed?). Is this an appropriate place for pwBPD to have D15 during her custody time? I've been exploring whether I can get the house or renting a 2-bedroom apartment in same relative area so D15 can have consistency with school & activity. Am I off base with this?
--
RP

[livednlearned]

Most states seem to prefer status quo, to prevent any more disruption to the child's life than necessary.

However, a court might also take into account what D15 wants, based on her age, if it comes to that.

If it is presented to D15 that mom's new home will make it hard for these activities to happen, that might compel D15 to want to be closer to the parent/home where she can maintain her same life as best as possible.

About the living situation... .SO's ex did something similar and D20 ended up sleeping in the same bed with her mom   Ick.

D15's mom is probably going to struggle with boundaries and not have a great sense of what is and what isn't appropriate. Sadly for us, we have to watch a bunch of things fall apart once our ex's are one their own. It requires some big shifts in how we parent.

What is D15's relationship with her mom like?

[RedPill]

Thanks for the input LnL. D15's relationship with stbxuBPDw vacillates between "best friends", "eggshell walking", and parentification. When they are "best friends" stbxuBPDw is silly, permissive, crass, and overly gregarious. During "eggshell walking" when stbxuBPDw is depressed or dysregulated D15 has to be careful around her and not upset the cart further. During parentification phases D15 makes food for stbxuBPDw and helps her get ready for work or activities (stbxuBPDw is chronically late).

I feel like D15 desperately wants a good relationship with her mom. Unfortunately, stbxuBPDw spends a lot of time locked away in her bedroom. She is repeating the abandoning issues that stbxuBPDw had with her own mother; changing her appearance, attending to her own needs, and leaving D15 to fend for herself.
--
RP

[takingandsending]

RP, have you filed petition for divorce or separation yet? In my state, one of the benefits of doing that is any moves of children out of school area by either parent are not allowed.

When I moved out, I had to move further north than I wished due to rental property expenses, but I committed to having the kids remain at their school and provide bulk of transport to alleviate any complaints stbxw may have. My xw, on the other hand, has repeatedly mentioned moving the kids wherever she wants out of entitlement. You should familiarize yourself with your state laws. Typically, there are a number of criteria that must be met for a parent to move a child out of their current area of residence. Talk to your L. Know what you need to do to prevent moves that may be harmful to your daughter.

[livednlearned]

Good points from t&s.

Given a choice, what do you think D15 would choose? Being with mom at expense of her activities? Or vice versa.

Not that she should have a choice, per se.