Changes in Appearance

[RedPill]

My stbxuBPDw has cut her hair into harsh, short, and unflattering bangs, including shaved portions over her ears. It's entering into bull-dyke (excuse the descriptive) mullet territory. I fear she is getting more dysregulated as the divorce process continues. It is definitely odd behavior. Sound familiar? Should I expect more freaky behavior?
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RP

[Skip]

Dramatic changes in style and look generally accompany a shift in a woman’s sense of identity. Sometimes it is a reflective response – a new look on the outside to go with a whole new outlook in the inside – and sometimes it’s a reactive response – the ‘change’ to help a woman ‘snap out of’ her mood or cope with some difficulty in her life.

It could be simply that she wants to feel younger and sassier. It could be a pulling back abit from her sexuality or her interest in men... .

[HopinAndPrayin]

Hey RP,

If you scour the boards, you'll find many of us have seen our exes change appearance dramatically after the break.  Agree with Skip that it can happen with a shift in identity or a reflection of internal shifts.  I, myself, cut my hair shorter and dyed it my favorite red and hid a purple streak in it as I started through the break-up - I needed more spunk and sass to mentally prepare.

That said, my stbxhBPD would take on the style and facial fur of whoever his latest mirror was.  I don't think it's consciously intentional with him.  It was more that he didn't know any other way to try to connect with people other than to emulate them and he was idealizing them.  They were the coolest and he wanted to be cool.  Back when we are real little, it's how we make friends, right?  You like Wonder Woman?  I do too.  Now we are best friends.  There's a cognitive bias towards people who are like us.

He would also gain a lot of weight as he tried to self-soothe with food.  It's tough to watch someone you thought you knew become unrecognizable.  

With regards to your question about what to expect, there's no way to reliably know.  If your ex is truly BPD, you're not dealing with someone with an integrated and whole personality and much of their life is spent in almost feral survival mode.  The odd thing is, a PD is a rigid set of maladaptive coping mechanisms that evolved to help them survive some sort of trauma.  That rigidity tends to create a dynamic where they will do what they did in the relationship when they were dysregulated because it is by definition their rigid way of coping and doesn't change, but your experience of it may be different because you are no longer in the thick of it.  My stbxhBPD did all the same things he did in the relationship - hiding, avoiding, lying, withdrawing from medical care, pretending he was just fine while absolutely falling apart, etc., but it seemed worse to me because I wasn't there to mitigate the dysregulation as I had when we were together.  I stepped in as a backstop when we were together because he could have messed my life up.  Without me there, it was the same level of crap but no backstop.

If you are concerned about someone's well being, there are usually social service you can contact, depending on your municipality.  They can send someone out if you think your ex is a danger to themselves or others and you can report anonymously.  

Most importantly, take care of you.  A divorce is tough whether your spouse is personality disordered or not.

-H&P

[Pretty Woman]

I am going to second Skip on this one. From personal experience I have witnessed first hand my ex changing her look with each partner. I was in a lesbian relationship and she definitely projected herself to be "butch". She carried a nan's wallet, no make up and wore boy clothes. With her new partner she carries a purse and dresses exactly like the new partner and her friends.

Her new partner is my age, 40 but only hangs out with much older women. Her own ex was mid 60's. My ex is dressing exactly like them ... .into scrap booking and coffee clutching.  All these women are 300lbs plus and my ex has gained about 100lbs.

You cannot blame this all on BPD as we all tend to enjoy activities and interests with our partners, BPD or not, however persons with BPD do lack identity and tend to mimic what is available to them, i.e. The look and hobbies/interests of a new amore.

[marti644]

You cannot blame this all on BPD as we all tend to enjoy activities and interests with our partners, BPD or not, however persons with BPD do lack identity and tend to mimic what is available to them, i.e. The look and hobbies/interests of a new amore.

I definitely agree that I changed my appearance and demeanor at various times in my relationships. I have lost and gained weight in different relationships, have had healthy versus unhealthy diet depending on the partner, and changed some of my hobbies and style depending on who I was with (and some weak boundaries of my own that I am working to fix now with therapy).

I would attribute some of that to my partner but also to my changing identity over time (this was mostly in my early to late twenties). Only recently in my early thirties has my identity solidified more. I mimic'ed too at times, I think many people do this and while identity issues are a key BPD trait this is normal behaviour in some regards when there is a major shift in the life pattern or a breakup.

[RedPill]

Thanks for the input everyone. It is strange to witness her transformation. She looks like Bettie Page was attacked with blunt hedge clippers.
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RP

[JaxWest]

For what it is worth, in my case, the BPD gained a substantial amount of weight in a short period. She gained probably 30 pounds very quickly after we stopped talking, but something just looked off with her. Her face looked more like it was swollen than typically follows weight gain... .to the point that it looked like a botched botox or something. Some of my female coworkers thought that she may have gotten pregnant or something with the quick weight gain (she wasn't). She runs/exercises quite a bit and is a vegetarian, so I am not sure where the weight gain came from for sure. I have heard that depression is common in BPD and that they can cycle through depression, which could explain some changes in physical appearances.

[SummerStorm]

My BPD acquaintance told me once that she changes her hair after she goes through a bout of depression, though I have no idea if that's true.   I do know that she drastically changes right around the time a relationship goes south or right after it ends.  Two years ago, she cut her hair really short.  A month later, she dumped her boyfriend, and she dyed her hair brown, with some red in it.  Then, it was platinum blonde and messy, and she gained a lot of weight.  Next, it was black and really choppy.  She went through a stream of guys who had tattoos and piercings and mirrored their look.  Right before she dumped a guy last year, she got two piercings in her chest.  She got back with him and looked pretty normal for a while, even after they broke up.

Next, she was with a normal guy for six months but had to break up with him because she was promoted to manager and he was below her, and her bosses told her she had to end it.  Right after that, she shaved one side of her head and put pink in her hair.  She took out the chest piercings but got her lip pierced again.  The next guy left her after two months, and she shaved one side again and got a ridiculous design shaved into it.  First, it was black.  Then, a week later, it was blonde.  A few weeks after that, she cut and dyed her hair to look exactly like Katy Perry.  I'm painted black and haven't seen it in five weeks, so I have no idea what it looks like now.
She's back with the last guy, and he's older and clean cut, so I'm she's mirroring him like she did when she was first with him.