Embarrassed from my constant obsession

[Lost-love-mind]

Im 56 and my gorgeous ex-gf is 45.
When she broke up with me 2 months ago, she went complete nc and after my multiple emails asking for her to reconsider, she claimed I was a narcissist.
I had to look up all this psycho babble and now admit to some narcissist tendencies, overtaking conversations, but took online tests and scored an 11 both times. I  have a doctorate degree and she was a factory worker with only HS.
When we first started dating off an online dating site, it was unlike anything I ever had in romance, even when I first met my ex wife. That lasted 4 weeks and she said she felt rushed. This was a oman that after our first date kept texting me luvy duvy emoticons and messages all day.
We got back together after a couple days and I tried to set boundaries about texting.
She stopped wanting to talk on the phone and went back to the constant texting and emails. Eventually , she would send proactive photos and wanted me to snapchat so nude pics would disappear.
I was caught up in it and started reenacting our "make out" sessions via sexting back to her. Our time together was was reduced to once a week and consisted of a nice meal she prepared, a movie and then making out. No intercourse. Every week we reached the next level and our next date (the last) was going  ?.
This woman was the daughter of a woman that constantly had men in her life including one that my gf admitted made advances causing her to run away. She was married to 2 different musicians sge met at an underground music venue when she was in her 20's (raves). She told me both cheated on her.  She had multiple tattoos with bats, skulls and other goth themes. When we went out (rarely) she wore "pig-tails" and played like an innocent teenager. Most of her actions in retrospect were teenagerish.
The last date she calimed to be tired so being the considerate old fashioned gentleman I excusrd myself for the night.
The next day I emailed her if something was wrong and she claimed she wanted to have me massage her back as she requested by sexting and asking me to pick up exotic massage oils.
She also claimed I never let her talk abd that I was inconsiderate of her needs.
This is where I messaged that I was confused by the sexts and then her claim of being "tired".
Next thing I knew was the breakup email and no contact.
After a couple weeks I went to her house to leave the July 4th gifts I bought for her (we are both die hard 3%'er patriots) . She blocked me from phone and email prior to that drop off. After a couple of additional requests I made via old fashioned mail for some of my stuff left at her house, she had a PPO issued.
2 months later, and after all the educated reading on BPD and narcissist behavior, I still dream of her and think I want her back. The more I read the thearapeutic boards, the more I realize it was only my momentary lapse of selfishness abd if I did something different, I would still be with her. Help. I have tried to move on, but my life has become a total depression chamber. Even when I meet new women, I find myself eventually talking about her and then later fantasizing about her. I went no contact after the PPO, but still catch myself stalking her past on the internet.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lost-love-mind]

Supplemental since yesterday.
Like the obsessed broken person I am, I reached out to my BPD ex yesterday with an email telling her I was sorry and I was getting help for my issues.
She broke her NC and sent an email filled with childish name calling. This morning I responded with another "i'm sorry, but I cared" email.
She responded again, calling me a f'ing retarded POS, and I have no life.
What the heck? I'm actually thinking this is a "breaking of the ice (NC)" with her.
HELP!

[once removed]

hi Lost-love-mind, and

im sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but i am glad you found us. i think you will find many of us have been there, or in similar circumstances, and we can help.

i know how difficult it is to process a sudden and unexplained breakup. your mind and your heart want answers. not everything about BPD is intuitive, and in a state of crisis, we can sometimes work against ourselves.

generally, the first step to reviving a relationship is to stop the bleeding - not do anything that works against us.

it sounds like your reaching out is pushing her away, as her response has been mostly to lash out and/or further block. giving her space is your friend here - reaching out is only reinforcing her position and making a reunion less likely.

i think if you give her that space, after a little while, she will wonder whats up, and be more inclined to reach out. when and if that moment comes, you want to be ready - you want to be in a clearer state of mind, you want some more knowledge of what youre working with, and some new tools in your tool belt in the event you reunite. i strongly encourage you to absorb the material in the lessons and tools directly to the right of the board.

are you seeing a therapist? if youre experiencing obsession, as many of us tend to do in the aftermath of our relationships, it would be a good idea, and can really help.

[Skip]

This seems like a lot more is going than a brief relationship that crashed in the first 90 days (90% of all relationships do - it's generally good not to get to invested early on - but of course, ... .). You are really knocked down.

Clearly she lives in emotional extremes... .the highs really didn't fit the relationship state... .nor did the personal protection order. It sounds like this was a loud jet on a runway for a jet that never took off.

What were your recent other relationships like prior to this one?