Just feeling broken

[AMbroken]

Hi
I am new here and looking for support.  Sorry for the long post but.
My story,  I have been married for almost 5 years to my BPD wife.   She has been diagnosed BPD but does not acknowledge it and is not in treatment.   Our problems stemmed from her behavior when she felt I was not giving her enough attention or when my son (Now 10) required my attention or interrupted our plans because of an unpredictable /unplanned circumstance.  Over the course of our marriage she made me feel like a bad wife,  and has said,  in the midst of an emotional episode that my "son was an interference in our marriage".
I was accused of being doting and a spoiler.  Mind you,  she has 2 older children of her own which she is exactly what she is accusing me of, doting and spoiling.

Over time,  I became very depressed and for me,  stress and depression kill my libido.  This became a huge issue.  She would continually nag, pressure me,   belittle me because I had no desire to have sex and she couldn't recognize that her behavior was part of the reason.

After numerous outbursts over the years at myself and my son I decided our marriage would not last if I stayed. (I had moved into her house).  We were also in counseling together which did nothing according to her.  She quit.   I moved out with my son in an effort to give myself space and time to heal.
That was a mistake, but I had to protect my son.
Over the course of us living apart,  she wallowed in misery, reminded me daily how miserable and alone she was,  how I have abandoned her etc.   Mind you,  she had a key to my apartment and I made it clear this was not over but we needed some space so we could reconnect.
Anyway,  everything was my fault,  I caused her pain etc.
Needless to say  my depression and frustration became worse because she was still harping on the lack of sex in our relationship.  Finally,  6 months after I moved out, she decided she was going to find sex elsewhere.   She answered an adolescent online from a straight woman looking for lesbian experience.  She told me about it and I expressed my hurt over this.
She met the woman anyway,  became friends with her and her boyfriend,  eventually had sex with her and god knows who else.  Admitted to me that she has sex outside the marriage but then proceeded to tell me that I shouldn't be hurt,  I pushed her to it?  And since we were living apart and not having sex that we were "just friends" anyway and nothing should really change.

Posts all over social media with her and her new "bestie" were popping up on a daily and if I said anything to her about it,  she would rage.  
I have since blocked all forms of communication and social media for my own sanity and am now in the process of filling for divorce.

Btw she has also blocked and unfriended my family  our mutual friends and friends she has had for the majority of her life.   She and I are both 49.
I am in shock, hurt,  in disbelief and just broken.

She has tried to communicate to my son,  he wants nothing to do with her and emails me accusing me of keeping him from her and her family.   I have blocked her from all his devices etc.

I'm hurting badly, but she has started a whole new life since March.  

Any advice how to move on from this,  I truly loved her and hoped we could fix this with some time and space.

[once removed]

hi AMbroken and

i can really hear your exhaustion, and it sounds like youve been through the wringer. moving on wont be easy, and if i had to give you one bit of advice, it would be to fully grieve this loss and the pain associated with what you have been through. a good place to start with that process is the lessons directly to the right of the board; they provide an excellent outline of the stages of grief, many of the common questions we have coming out of these relationships, and address the common wounds that we struggle with, with information and tools to help cope.

are you seeing a therapist to help you process?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey AMB, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you've been through, yet I have to say that your story is quite familiar and reminiscent of many a BPD r/s.  Of course you are in pain, yet at the end of the day I think you made a positive move for you and your son, though it probably doesn't feel like that right now.  Don't beat yourself up!  It wasn't all your fault.  The place to start, I suggest, is with self-care, by treating yourself with kindness and compassion.  Be good to yourself!  You get the idea.

LuckyJim