Trying to recover

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I want to thank this site because as I read the articles  I FELT LIKE SOMEONE FINALLY UNDERSTANDS WHAT IM GOING THROUGH... .it's been the most bizarre and hurtful experience in my entire 42 years in this life.

MY EXPERIENCE PLEASE HELP WITH YOUR INSIGHGT:

I was with my wife for 16 years, married for 11 and a half and had 3 children. From the moment we met the physical attraction and intensity of our relationship was extremely high... .that intensity, especially sexually, lasted til the very end.
We met when she was 19 and I was 25. The relationship has had 3 major separations during the 16 years all of which she initiated. The last one ending in divorce. We went to three counselors during our marriage and all 3 said she needed individual therapy... she would never go... .

Our relationship was GREAT for the first few years... .she Had some mood swings but nothing that would override the great fun we had together  and love we had for one another. We were engaged after 4 years of dating... .oddly she left me for four months during the engagement... .I was devastated... .but she came back and still wanted to get married... .we did... .  two years later we had our first child and about 6 months after that is when everything really started going downhill in terms of the mood swings... .the mean and hurtful things she would tell me would strike such anger in me that we would argue heatedly over it... .but then the sex would be so intense that things would go back to normal... .THAT WAS THEN OUR PATTERN PRETTY MUCH THE NEXT 9 years... .during that time we had 2 more children... .however, it seemed like I was usually walking on eggshells around her, never knowing what I was coming home to or what reaction I would get from her... .she could love me so intrensly and also be so disappointed and cold towards me... .that was the bases for our marriage counseling... .all three counselors told her that she asked too much of me, that she had displaced anger( most likely from her father's death when she was 9) , and that she needed individual therapy ... .every time they suggested that she would say she didn't want to go anymore and would want to choose a new counselor... .we saw a counselor in 2009,and two in 2014... .I tried my hardest to keep things together and make her happy but nothing seemed to keep her happy with me permanently... .it was frustrating at times but my love for her kept me going through it... .in 2012 two major things happened : she started using the drug Adderall and I had an affair... .
She caught me and I explained that I was not happy and that her constant nagging was getting to me... .I REGRETTED IT and she forgave me and we stayed together... .but about 6 moths after using Adderall (she does not have Adhd she took it to lose weight... she was 125lbs and wanted to be 115) things became UNBEARABLE in terms of her ANGRY mood swings... .after one year on that drug she all of a sudden filed for divorce... .it hit me out of nowhere... .although the ups and downs divorcecwas never talked about... .we separated for 5 months and still saw each other intimately, and we reconciled in 2014 and got back together... .my one condition was for her to stop the Adderall use... .I went to her doctor and pleaded to take her off and they did... .slowly she returned to her normal self and we spent two very happy years together and I thought we made it passed the crisis... .our children were happy and thriving, we took trips, we had very  loving times... .then unknown to me in 2016 she got back on the adderall ... .I started seeing the anger and moods really swing in the latter part of 2016... .I found out she was back on the drug in dec. 2016... .one moth later she DIVORCED ME AGAIN... .

I was  devastated, the family I worked so hard for, to keep together was gone... .she moved out, she dropped her old friends and made new ones, I found out she had an affair in Nov... .2 months prior to the divorce... .she says she has extreme anxiety, and is angry and she doesn't know why, she blames me for all of this saying I never bought her a house (we lived in a 3 bedroom 2 bath condo) and that she never forgave me for the affair in 2012... .

I'm new to this site and I guess I'm looking for help in my recovery... .my ex wife fits all the characteristics of BPD and she still takes Adderall ... .It's been hard for me to ACCEPT... .that it's over... .any insight to my experience would help me move forward... .I LOVED MY WIFE AND CHILDREN WITH ALL MY HEART... .I find myself depressed and it's hard for me emotionally... .

[Recovering1]

I want to thank this site because as I read the articles  I FELT LIKE SOMEONE FINALLY UNDERSTANDS WHAT IM GOING THROUGH... .it's been the most bizarre and hurtful experience in my entire 42 years in this life.

MY EXPERIENCE PLEASE HELP WITH YOUR INSIGHGT:

I was with my wife for 16 years, married for 11 and a half and had 3 children. From the moment we met the physical attraction and intensity of our relationship was extremely high... .that intensity, especially sexually, lasted til the very end.
We met when she was 19 and I was 25. The relationship has had 3 major separations during the 16 years all of which she initiated. The last one ending in divorce. We went to three counselors during our marriage and all 3 said she needed individual therapy... she would never go... .

Our relationship was GREAT for the first few years... .she Had some mood swings but nothing that would override the great fun we had together  and love we had for one another. We were engaged after 4 years of dating... .oddly she left me for four months during the engagement... .I was devastated... .but she came back and still wanted to get married... .we did... .  two years later we had our first child and about 6 months after that is when everything really started going downhill in terms of the mood swings... .the mean and hurtful things she would tell me would strike such anger in me that we would argue heatedly over it... .but then the sex would be so intense that things would go back to normal... .THAT WAS THEN OUR PATTERN PRETTY MUCH THE NEXT 9 years... .during that time we had 2 more children... .however, it seemed like I was usually walking on eggshells around her, never knowing what I was coming home to or what reaction I would get from her... .she could love me so intrensly and also be so disappointed and cold towards me... .that was the bases for our marriage counseling... .all three counselors told her that she asked too much of me, that she had displaced anger( most likely from her father's death when she was 9) , and that she needed individual therapy ... .every time they suggested that she would say she didn't want to go anymore and would want to choose a new counselor... .we saw a counselor in 2009,and two in 2014... .I tried my hardest to keep things together and make her happy but nothing seemed to keep her happy with me permanently... .it was frustrating at times but my love for her kept me going through it... .in 2012 two major things happened : she started using the drug Adderall and I had an affair... .
She caught me and I explained that I was not happy and that her constant nagging was getting to me... .I REGRETTED IT and she forgave me and we stayed together... .but about 6 moths after using Adderall (she does not have Adhd she took it to lose weight... she was 125lbs and wanted to be 115) things became UNBEARABLE in terms of her ANGRY mood swings... .after one year on that drug she all of a sudden filed for divorce... .it hit me out of nowhere... .although the ups and downs divorcecwas never talked about... .we separated for 5 months and still saw each other intimately, and we reconciled in 2014 and got back together... .my one condition was for her to stop the Adderall use... .I went to her doctor and pleaded to take her off and they did... .slowly she returned to her normal self and we spent two very happy years together and I thought we made it passed the crisis... .our children were happy and thriving, we took trips, we had very  loving times... .then unknown to me in 2016 she got back on the adderall ... .I started seeing the anger and moods really swing in the latter part of 2016... .I found out she was back on the drug in dec. 2016... .one moth later she DIVORCED ME AGAIN... .

I was  devastated, the family I worked so hard for, to keep together was gone... .she moved out, she dropped her old friends and made new ones, I found out she had an affair in Nov... .2 months prior to the divorce... .she says she has extreme anxiety, and is angry and she doesn't know why, she blames me for all of this saying I never bought her a house (we lived in a 3 bedroom 2 bath condo) and that she never forgave me for the affair in 2012... .

I'm new to this site and I guess I'm looking for help in my recovery... .my ex wife fits all the characteristics of BPD and she still takes Adderall ... .It's been hard for me to ACCEPT... .that it's over... .any insight to my experience would help me move forward... .I LOVED MY WIFE AND CHILDREN WITH ALL MY HEART... .I find myself depressed and it's hard for me emotionally... .

[once removed]

hi Recovering1 and

im very sorry about the circumstances that brought you here, but i am glad you found us. we do understand what you are going through, and we can help.

it sounds like you invested a great deal in this sixteen year relationship, seeking three different counselors, and really gave it your all. this would be a significant loss and difficult to grieve for anyone; we will help you through this journey.

it takes courage to stand before others and say "i need help in my recovery". i think a good place to start is our article on surviving a breakup with someone with BPD; it addresses a lot of the common questions we struggle with, and provides an excellent path for going forward. you can find it here: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

do you find you are struggling with any of the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck, in particular?

given how much you invested in this relationship, the volatile ups and downs, and what is a significant blow, are you seeing a therapist?

[Recovering1]

Yes, I am seeing a therapist... .and she helps me a lot. She actually was our first marriage counselor so she is familiar with my ex. I thought my ex was just affected by the Adderall abuse or was bipolar, but she was the one who suggested she has BPD based on what she knows of our past history and what has happened. She suggested that the Adderall abuse exacerbated the situation. It has taken her from high functioning BPD behavior  to low functioning BPD symptoms... .

Our current goal is for me to set boundaries with her and to start loving myself. Unfortunately, I've forgotten how to love myself.

I will read the link, thank you, and list any "stuck" points I have... .all of your advice will be much appreciated.

[Mutt]

Hi Recovering1,



I'm sorry that things turned out the way that they did. I can tell that you tried to fight for your marriage. I am glad that you found us, have you talked to an MD or GP about depression?

[Recovering1]

@Mutt
I haven't been to an MD about depression but I do see my psychologist... .I would imagine that I am depressed. I'm sad most of the time... .especially when I don't have my kids with me. And yes I gave EVERYTHING I had to make my marriage work. Thx for recognizing that. ... .I think my biggest issue is getting BAck my self confidence and believing that I'm worthy of someone. I keep thinking that she must have left because I failed in some way or I wasn't worthy enough to keep. As the articles say here, I feel very discarded... .

[Recovering1]

@once removed

I read the link: YES, I struggle with points 2,3, and 6. First let me say, I DONT WANT THE RELATIONSHIP BACK. This is the best way I can explain it: In my deepest emotions and feelings, I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her: BUT I CANT! The damage done is beyond repair. She isn't showing  any signs of wanting to come back, but if she did, I couldn't RESPECT myself if I took her back. This has been BEYOND HUMILIATING AND HURTFUL... .

I'm STUCK, in that I know I have to move on but my heart is still with her. I keep going  back to the things she told me during the relationship (Point 6),  specifically during the last reconciliation. "I'll never leave you again. I love you so much, I'm not going anywhere." But then eventually she did even though I did nothing to provoke that kind of action.

Also, Point 2. I think back to the times we shared and it couldn't have been fake. I know she felt the same about me as I did her... .I felt it... .in fact I felt she loved me more... .she would even say those exact words, "I love you more."

Lastly, Point 3. After thinking about Points 6 and 2, I grapple with Point 3. I must have done something or not been good enough to keep my wife, that's why  she must have left. At the end she was demanding we buy a house or at least sell our condo and move in with her mother to save money even though both ideas were not feasible, LIVING WITH HER MOTHER WAS OUT OF THE QUESTION, ... .I still feel like maybe I failed in not pleasing her... .

I just don't know what happened... .that's my biggest struggle... .THIS  ALL MAKES NO SENSE... .I'm analytical and I try to find the why's to this and I just CANT ... .