The relationship ended, now the anxiety aftermath is not bearable

[Freeatlast_1]

 So my relationship has been on and off for months. I have seen her once a week for the past few weeks, I'm trying to wean my way out of that relationship because I know how I  usually crash when I go no contact. So in attempt to wean myself off, I was seeing her 1 to 2 times per week. The sex stopped two weeks ago. Basically I was preparing my body for the escape. Now it has been about three days  since we talked, she has been texting me how much she misses me, I have not responded today's the first day she has not texted. My anxiety started today. I have been feeling very powerful and optimistic for the past three days, have been going to a lot of journaling self help videos etc.  but today my stomach is basically clenched all day. I was telling  a friend of mine that I think it's best if I start dating ASAP just avoid the sinking nauseated sickening feeling.  Of course her recommendation was the obvious, "no just take some time to heal". Which makes sense  but I honestly cannot take this feeling. I really want to go out and numb myself. I feel like I can't even breath deep. The sad part is That when I feel like this I know she's feeling powerful and the other way around. So if I choose to text her she would probably be cold, so I won't. When I'm
Struggling, she sense it and she pulls. When I'm stronge and having fun, she sense it and texts me needy crap. Btw this exact situation happened last oct with this girl, we were off 7 months dating others. So I was having casual relationships and she got herself into a steady rebound for the whole time. Same sinario now repeats, I hope this time we don't look back. I'm so sad though! Last break up although I was dating I was always sad! There was a hole in my heart which was filler when we got back. It's so confusing, she is so toxic for me yet I am not happy when she leaves or when she stays.

[Lucky Jim]

It's so confusing, she is so toxic for me yet I am not happy when she leaves or when she stays.

Hey Freeatlast, Yup, that's the quandary, isn't it?  You put that well.  Only you know when it's time to get off the roller coaster (see lesson to the right =>.  In the meantime, you will likely be caught up in ongoing drama.  One could describe a BPD r/s as akin to an addiction in the sense that we know it's bad for us, yet we still want to participate in it.  The anxiety, I would suggest, is all part of the withdrawal symptoms.  You probably think that a recycle will relieve your pain, and it might, temporarily.  It's hard, but in my view you have to go through the eye of the hurricane in order to find calm skies.

LuckyJim

[vanx]

I wanted to validate the feeling of anxiety, which I think so many of us felt (I know I still do in some moments). I also understand the desire to numb yourself, which does provide short term relief.
I know I struggled to love myself enough to do what was best for me, but I think that is at the heart of these situations. I know it can be tough, but what can you do in this moment to be very, very kind to yourself? You will get through this and you have a lot of people here who know what what you're going through is like. Hang in there!

[LuvAlways]

Now it has been about three days  since we talked, she has been texting me how much she misses me, I have not responded today's the first day she has not texted. My anxiety started today. I have been feeling very powerful and optimistic for the past three days, have been going to a lot of journaling self help videos etc.  but today my stomach is basically clenched all day.

So here are my thoughts:  This is where I feel like I'm at.  When she wants me, I feel strong.  When she doesn't appear to want me,  I am afraid that I will be alone.  I have had to learn a lot about talking care of m myself and... .really... .loving myself.  I have to tell myself often, it's not her... .its the borderline.  I find that when I take care of myself,  I feel better about me.  And what she is thinking or doing, (or what I IMAGINE she is thinking, or doing) Becomes less potent.  Hang in there.  Been there often.

[once removed]

I honestly cannot take this feeling.

i have never felt anxiety in my life like i felt during and after my relationship with my ex. i know how difficult it can be to function, let alone to think clearly, and i know the desperation to make it go away. your friend was right that dating is probably not the answer, let alone the cure, any more than drugs or alcohol.

there are lots of powerful supplements for anxiety. passion flower in particular was a god send for me - stopped my daily, several hours long, anxiety attacks cold.

it would also be a good idea to see a doctor when you are feeling something unmanageable.

[Freeatlast_1]

Yep, I agree that a recycle is temporary relief. There was a recycle last night, but we both knew we are over and that we are free to do what we want and date who we want. She was telling me how much she missed me and giving me sad eyes, I looked at her and said go date. Maybe that will make you feel better. Knowing truly that if I find out that would crush me. I am planning to date as well, I honestly am feeling super exhausted and emotionally drained and I need something to get my mind off all this issue. Her BD is coming up in 2 days which makes it complicated because she wants to spend it with me. It's like the R/S is coming to a slow burning flame that is dying. The sickness in my stomach is endless. I know she's up to something but I don't want to ask to look into her phone because that will create drama. It's like both her and I are playing the same damn game. But deep inside I just want her to be normal and I just want us to quit the game and be good... .that's too much to ask since there is a disease and a life time of issues that will make this impossible.