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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: She Sucked Me In & Hurt Me Again  (Read 455 times)
Rosey87

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« on: August 15, 2017, 02:42:48 AM »

My PWBPD added me on Snapchat last week. I finally broke through tonight and she messaged me, "Why are you messaging me? You shouldn't be. I'm glad you're doing well though."

She then continued to say I will never get back together with you. That I was sick and refused help, that she was glad that she got the abortion last year and she didn't cate about our child, we were never in love, blah, blah, blah.

Even as I write this and think about it, I still love her and cate for her immensely. She said I blocked her on all social media. She is literally driving me fuc*ing insane. Why would she do this? SOMEONE GIVE ME A SIMPLE DAMN ANSWER PLEASE! THE HOLY HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?
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pearlsw
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2801


"Be kind whenever possible, it is always possible"


« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2017, 06:17:09 AM »

Hi again Rosey,

Hope you don't mind hearing from me again. I hope others reply as well. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Sorry to hear you are hurting. Break ups aren't easy for anyone. When we are blindsided or don't want them it is especially painful. Some people will say the worst possible things to hurt us. It goes off the scale when they have trouble with their own emotions and do not respect typical rules of decorum we are used to. It sucks. I know. I had never heard such meanness and cruelty in all my life, and it is not like I was living in a cave before this! Smiling (click to insert in post) These words are weapons. Don't let them destroy the past you know you lived through if it was more meaningful to you than her words are suggesting they were for her. If you see past the words, it is just a verbal "push". The words are meaningless. It sounds as if this followed a "pull", her trying to pull you back in a bit.

I see some potentially helpful topics on the right hand side here --->. "Surviving confrontation and disrespect" and "Understanding your partner's behavior" might be particularly relevant today.

I know how hard it is to fathom that someone who loves/loved us could say such terrible things, and to this push/pull stuff with us.

Does it feel like this might be the time to keep up a stronger boundary and keep your distance? I know after my first BPD guy dumped me I wrote him a big love letter he ignored, then I saw him at a mutual friend's funeral and he acted really oddly, and then he tried for a little more sex from me... .but he had changed so much and so fast. He really looked completely dead inside. The walking dead. It was so bizarre. But when I look back now, one thing I am clear on is that once he said (well wrote) the words "it's over", it was over. Things never recovered and I wish I didn't have these extra icky memories of trying to hold on and talk to him and get him back tacked on at the end. It just added to my pain.

So, take care, protect yourself, and please, don't let yourself get sucked into situations that add to your pain if possible. I had a friend once who used to say "I never go backwards in life, I only go forwards." It is a nice little mantra. Perhaps repeat it a few times and see how that feels? It takes a lot of strength and time to move forward, but you will get there! You will! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Walk on a rainbow trail, walk on a trail of song, and all about you will be beauty. There is a way out of every dark mist, over a rainbow trail. - Navajo Song
Rosey87

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2017, 01:32:26 PM »

Hey Pearlsw, thank you for the reply. I just don't know why she would do this. I was doing great and everything. She knew what she was doing. If she was so curious to see what I was doing but said I did all those awful things, what the hell?

She's probably just miserable and wanted to make me miserable as well. Thank you again dear.
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Idsrvt2
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 281


« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2017, 01:16:07 PM »

Sounds like the typical BPD testing the waters only to fear intimacy and abandonment kicked in... .they are mentally ill, so when I find myself asking why... .in my head I keep repeating he's mentally ill, he told me he is, his coworker also said he is... .this is him not me.  Normal people don't go around destroying others.  I take full responsibility for my part ... .but I'm not taking it all on.

Here is one for you... .mine always wanted someone that accepted him... he identifies at times as transgender ... .I accepted that... I liked his female persona. 
He took out a restraining order on me, then had his attorney ask for my forgiveness ... .I declined
He continued to deliver mail around me and now that the temp orders are over delivers to me... .he won't speak to me... .he still won't drive past my home ... yet will walk past it ... I live on a circle so he must do a three point turn ... it's nothing g short of insanity at this point.   
I just want everything to return back to normal , because that would really help my healing... .but it's constant reminders of how he hates me... .mail left in the rain... my box not checked and just now he avoided my house... .like I'm some evil person.   He can walk by, but not drive by... .it's insane.   He used to talk to me daily for four years ... .just shows I meant nothing

Hey Pearlsw, thank you for the reply. I just don't know why she would do this. I was doing great and everything. She knew what she was doing. If she was so curious to see what I was doing but said I did all those awful things, what the hell?

She's probably just miserable and wanted to make me miserable as well. Thank you again dear.
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Rosey87

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2017, 02:13:20 AM »

Thank you for your reply. Mine as well. Three years and we were never in love or happy
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babyducks
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2017, 04:33:19 AM »

Hi Rosey,

How are you doing today?   How are you feeling?

I know that these chaotic experiences are very painful.   They are deeply confusing and hard to make sense of.   

I don't believe any of us comes prepared to deal with mentally ill significant others.   It's not something we expect to have to encounter.

The "I love you - go away,  I hate you - don't leave me" messages are really a hallmark of this disorder and like Idsrvt2 mentioned it is a mental illness.   For people with serious mental health issues, reality looks different than you and I might experience it.   And they express reality differently.   

It's been suggested by people much smarter than me that pwBPD re-live and re-create their original trauma over and over again.

I certainly saw evidence of that in my r/s.

I know how badly it hurts to hear some of the things that can get hurled about during an emotional dysregulation.   What I eventually learned is that a lot of that projection is not about me.    It's not a reflection of what I experienced, it's the product of an illness that wrecks havoc.    It's not personal.   

I think pearlsw made a good point.   pwBPD believe that their harmfully intense, painfully chaotic emotions are caused by people/events/things outside of themselves and the only way to get their emotions to change, to release the pressure of their emotions is to get those people/events/things to change, or go away.

which means as horrible as it is to listen to, as hard as it is, it's not about you.   

hope you are doing better.

'ducks
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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
Rosey87

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #6 on: August 18, 2017, 01:54:28 PM »

Hey, I really appreciate everything you all have said. It really helps. My last reply was longer, don't know why it was only one sentence, .

I'm doing good, just had a whirlwind of emotions these past few days. She texted me again and said I thought things could be normal between us but, I guess I was wrong. WHAT? How could things be normal if you said you didn't want me to message you?
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Duplicity

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 17


« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2017, 10:29:54 AM »

I am so sorry that you are going through this. She knows that You still love her, and want her. Based on what you said here, she knows she can get back with you at any time she wants. In the meantime, as long as she can get any kind of reaction out of you, good or bad, she feels elated. She knows that she can go out and screw around, and you'll welcome her back with open arms when she's done. This is cruel on her part, and hurtful to you. I have a suggestion.

I understand how this hurts, but you need to establish boundaries. Don't let her see that you're hurt by the fact that she, in her words, "is never coming back." If this is the case, what is it that she wants with you? A friendship? If that's the case, then just be her friend ONLY. Establish a firm boundary and HOLD HER TO IT. Don't give her the benefits and perks of a relationship if she's told you there will NOT be a relationship. This means, no building her up when she's sad, not being there for her at a moment's notice when she's in a crisis, not advising or coaching her with her problems, etc. If she calls you to solicit advice with an issue, just say something like, "I understand how you feel" or "That's a complicated situation, but you've always been a smart woman. I'm sure you will be able to figure out the best way to handle it." Boom. She will be stunned at your response. Quiet.

What you're doing here is being supportive, understanding, but also uninvolved at the same time. She probably leaned on you emotionally during the "relationship" quite a bit. Since she no longer wants a "relationship", then she now needs to learn to think for herself, and not be so reliant upon you.  Otherwise, you will become her sponge -- she will get all the benefits of having you while not being with you. You gain nothing here but more grief, you'll remain stuck on her and unable to move forward yourself-- while she gets what she wants from you and then skips away happy, until her next crisis.

She may then get agitated and say you don't care, etc. Calmly explain to her, like the 3 year old she behaves like, that since shes made it clear that she's never coming back to you, that youre ONLY RESPECTING HER WISHES, therefore, just being a supportive friend, and that means not imposing your opinions and advice on her. After all, she did say YOU were the one screwed up, not her. So just remind her that you're just trying to give her what she wants, which is a friendship- and since you screwed up the relationship (from her flawed standpoint) that you really just want her to be happy. Enforce the boundaries. This way, you're throwing her words back in her face (lovingly, of course), and theres NO way she can blame YOU.  

Lastly, you really do need to attempt to move on with your life, for your own sanity and happiness. Think selfishly. Youve given so much of yourself to her and that relationship. You deserve to be happy and loved, and not to have her continue to dangle you on a string. If interaction with her continues to be too painful, go no contact. She will either shape up, or ship out, if she determines that you will not put your life on hold for her. Best wishes to you. It will get better, but sometimes, no contact is the only way.

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GD39
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 77


« Reply #8 on: August 21, 2017, 03:02:18 AM »

How are you coming along Shansay?
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