I see the ghost of what was ...triggered by a dream

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I woke up after having a vivid dream of the last time we were together ... .it was such a good time out ... having fun trying on vintage clothing... .him picking me up in his arms an kissing me... .it was his upbeat persona... .it ended with him taking me home early and me stupidly texting after him... .and the rest is history ...

I wasn't good at communicating my needs and he took everything I typed as harsh .

It's been raining here and I've wondered where we should put my packages ... .this shouldn't even be an issue ... .but for those that don't know my story he's my mail man... .thru restraining orders and all , false or not he's back delivering
Today I saw he didn't even check my box again... .

It never will return to even close to the way it was , I was tempted to contact him via email about it... .but even I don't know where to put the packages ... .I tried interacting with him once and he barely spoke to me at all... thru a clenched jaw

I just wish we could have remained on friendly terms or I had taken closer look at flags like him telling me once he's done with someone he's done.

This hurts like heck today... .I also found out the guy I was dating in and off is most likely a narcassist... ,which makes me miss the way my x treated me when things were good.

I know Mercury is retrograde for all those into astrology ... .my c and I went on our first dare during the January retrograde... .two astrology gurus ... should have known better .

So I'm here on the porch tears streaming down my face ... .as he walks these streets around me.

I had a good source mention my x is not doing well... .either am I.

[Idsrvt2]

I woke up after having a vivid dream of the last time we were together ... .it was such a good time out ... having fun trying on vintage clothing... .him picking me up in his arms an kissing me... .it was his upbeat persona... .it ended with him taking me home early and me stupidly texting after him... .and the rest is history ...

I wasn't good at communicating my needs and he took everything I typed as harsh .

It's been raining here and I've wondered where we should put my packages ... .this shouldn't even be an issue ... .but for those that don't know my story he's my mail man... .thru restraining orders and all , false or not he's back delivering
Today I saw he didn't even check my box again... .

It never will return to even close to the way it was , I was tempted to contact him via email about it... .but even I don't know where to put the packages ... .I tried interacting with him once and he barely spoke to me at all... thru a clenched jaw

I just wish we could have remained on friendly terms or I had taken closer look at flags like him telling me once he's done with someone he's done.

This hurts like heck today... .I also found out the guy I was dating in and off is most likely a narcassist... ,which makes me miss the way my x treated me when things were good.

I know Mercury is retrograde for all those into astrology ... .my c and I went on our first dare during the January retrograde... .two astrology gurus ... should have known better .

So I'm here on the porch tears streaming down my face ... .as he walks these streets around me.

I had a good source mention my x is not doing well... .either am I.

[Idsrvt2]

And another thing I want to vent about... .he still will not drive by my home , but can walk by it... .days like this I wish I never got the orders and agreed to drop them ... .I live on a circle and I'm being avoided ... .who cares if he drives by... .guess he does ... .he hates me afterall ... .

I just wish I could run far away

[Mutt]

Hi Idsrvt2,

 I'm sorry that you had a tough day. Do you have an update? What stage do you see yourself for the 5 stages of grief? Depression, bargaining, anger?

[Idsrvt2]

Hi Mutt, I'm not sure what stage as mine seem to fluctuate so much and I can go periods where he doesn't affect me or I can laugh sboutbstuff he does ... . 

I see others around me making peace and truces with people they have had long term issues with and I guess I just wish that could be me ... not in the sense that I would forget what he did or my part... .but that we could coexist

Maybe I'm stupidly looking for closure  from a person that stood there a few weeks back and couldn't even utter simple words to me... .

I'm also doing a lot of wishing I had just agreed to drop the orders back in march, my mail wouldn't have been so disrupted ...
I get he most likely hates me, but can't he atleast still do his job ... .
It hurts to think u meant something to someone and the reality is I never meant a thing .
My biggest closure to date came from his coworker so randomly  he said "it's too bad he dragged you down with  whatever he is going through".
It's tough being human and knowing my x is not well... .still after five months I would have thought maybe he could atleast utter something to me ... .
He worked his day off so I get a full week of him yet again

I guess I'm strong in away as it takes a lot not to just walk outside and try and talk to him... .  it's like I never existed but worse

Hi Idsrvt2,

 I'm sorry that you had a tough day. Do you have an update? What stage do you see yourself for the 5 stages of grief? Depression, bargaining, anger?

[Mutt]

I understand, it's hard having a r/s with someone and it ends up with no closure and sometimes they act like you never had a r/s in the first place. I'm just sharing my thoughts and maybe it reflects your or maybe not, but it's incredibly invalidating, because it doesn't validate the pain that your ex put you through and it erases the past that you had together, well it almost dies, we just experienced it differently and my exuBPDw can't cope the same way that I can, it's a series of defense mechanisms to protect a pwBPD. If you look at  the definition of BPD " chaotic and broken interpersonal relationships" I know exactly what that means, she didn't learn relationships in her development, she doesn't know how to reciprocate in r/s.

Your ex is avoiding you because it causes him shame to see you hurt, it would make him think about how he failed this r/s and how all of his r/s ended up broken, it's too painful for him but that doesn't absolve his actions, you're hurt too. It's avoidance, a defense mechanism.

I think that you may be in the bargaining phase when you say that you wish that you changed things in the pat, it sounds like you wish that the r/s was saved.

[Idsrvt2]

That makes sense... .maybe he can't handle things now that the restraining orders are lifted... .and maybe he thinks I will ask how it went from let's go in peace to a cop at my door for me sending a nice caring msgs to him... .I regret not taking his calls and listening to my family ... .it could be possible he has similar thoughts

The only facts I know are that he is not doing well... .  he wasn't doing well five months ago either ... .

The thing is I don't act hurt when we have to Interact ... I'm polite and stick to just the mail .l once asked if he was ok,.and thru clenched teeth said yes ... .  it's a lie he's not ok.
I guess I expected like his online profile stated the one he changed months back after I changed mine... .that he would be back into the world again ... .he's not

I figured out last nite what my issue is... .it's that I kiss what we had before the short relationship... .I miss who he pretended to be for years ... there is a huge part of me that wishes I just kept things like that ... .but I really had no clue he was so disordered... .he did warn me and then took all that back.

I can't help him and I hate that too,   

But why stay on my route if seeing me etc brings him shame?  It makes no sense

I understand, it's hard having a r/s with someone and it ends up with no closure and sometimes they act like you never had a r/s in the first place. I'm just sharing my thoughts and maybe it reflects your or maybe not, but it's incredibly invalidating, because it doesn't validate the pain that your ex put you through and it erases the past that you had together, well it almost dies, we just experienced it differently and my exuBPDw can't cope the same way that I can, it's a series of defense mechanisms to protect a pwBPD. If you look at  the definition of BPD " chaotic and broken interpersonal relationships" I know exactly what that means, she didn't learn relationships in her development, she doesn't know how to reciprocate in r/s.

Your ex is avoiding you because it causes him shame to see you hurt, it would make him think about how he failed this r/s and how all of his r/s ended up broken, it's too painful for him but that doesn't absolve his actions, you're hurt too. It's avoidance, a defense mechanism.

I think that you may be in the bargaining phase when you say that you wish that you changed things in the pat, it sounds like you wish that the r/s was saved.

[Mutt]

I figured out last nite what my issue is... .it's that I kiss what we had before the short relationship... .I miss who he pretended to be for years ... there is a huge part of me that wishes I just kept things like that ... .

Do you mean that you miss the idealization or being put up on a pedestal?

But why stay on my route if seeing me etc brings him shame?  It makes no sense

Can he just drop a route and pick up another one? I'd set that aside for now and focus on you and what you want out of this r/s.

[Idsrvt2]

 No, when we were friendly I didn't feel idealized... .hmmm or was I being... .he would just stop and chat with me for long periods of time and be flirty etc. 

The idealized part of all of it was the bad memories... .the push n pull ... us going out trying on clothes and just having fun and then him dropping me home early... .me not really realizing texts got to him so much.  Him stopping by during work for a kiss and all that ... .him struggling with it all thinking I deserved more ... . 

What I would like is a truce of some sorts... .not going back to that horrible relationship ... but just being polite if we see each other And getting my packages delivered ... not left in the rain.   

Are we happier now... .neither of us are... .we're we happier before we got involved... .no we weren't.    We got involved during the holidays ... .and I was going thru a very stressful time, health issues, new part time job... .I just had no clue he hid so many issues .   
When I approached him a few weeks back to hand him mail he missed... .I wasn't sure if he would stop , but he did... .he looked bad ... . 

Do you mean that you miss the idealization or being put up on a pedestal?

Can he just drop a route and pick up another one? I'd set that aside for now and focus on you and what you want out of this r/s.

[Mutt]

You miss the passion and excitement you had in the r/s, I can see how sad that would feel if you turned to him during a tough period in your life, he was a source of support for you, or maybe he was someone familiar, and now he doesn't give you the decency to deliver your packages correctly.

A truce for me in a way means to stop the bleeding between one or both people that are emotionally hurt. Stop the bleeding in the context where one partner is mentally ill or is just generally directing bad and harmful behaviour your way would mean to self protect. You only need one person to self protect, sometimes the more emotionally mature person has to lead the way for the person that is emotionally immature.

I completely understand how logical a truce would be, to put things to rest and just each other in a more respectful manner, but the reality is that he has maladaptive coping mechanisms due to behaviours that are hardened with his neural pathways, he is who he is. Do you think that you might be expecting something that is beyond his current capacity?

[Idsrvt2]

Mutt you make some valid points ... .i think I am expecting something he is not capable or aware of ... .
Today while I let myself just be and not think about anything in particular ... randomly something occurred to me... .the last time we were together and he dropped me home early... .I used to think it was because he has to rush back him every online, however a few times prior to that he had said to me he was not aware at 9pm on a Saturday nite he should still want to be out with me ... .

What devastated me and caused me to lash out and what I regret is the fact that he said he had no connections with people he didn't know what to do... .  I was too emotional that nite to fully understand... .I was in a lot of pain frima spinal procedure... .I had forgotten and also had no clue he may be BPD  texted him the nite prior that I needed space until he was ready to get offline ... .of course if I was dealing with a person that was not mentally ill ... restraining orders would not have happened and we would have just met and discussed it like adults as is thenorders weren't valid... .and he wanted them dropped.

I don't even think he knew how to end things , that and his odd family dynamics of him always saying his sister said I would hurt him ... .   

I guess this is as good as he can do ... .I could potentially try for a discussion about where to put the mail when it rains... .
But he's a person used to cutting and running... .and pretending a person doesn't exist and seems like he hates me
What is frustrating to me is for four years he pretended to be normal ... no signs of this... .he would make me laugh ... .I don't think that person now exists...


I have some health issues flaring , so I'm taking Time for myself now to sort out my health... .  so I won't approach him until I have more clarity and feel better
I also don't want to trigger him at all since I've heard he's not doing well.
.but my busy eBay season is starting next month ... .this mail needs to be sorted out ... .he couldn't even hand me a package ... placed in the rain instead ... .I probably should have said something then... .

All I wanted whether I was in his life or not was for him to not be reclusive ... for him to have a life again... even if that meant I was never in it.   I know five months isn't long... .I guess I just expected he would be walking around with his head up and just back to the way he was... .he's not

I guess time will tell