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Author Topic: Where do i start? I feel like I've gone to war.  (Read 734 times)
epicdaydream

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« on: August 16, 2017, 08:14:50 PM »

I don't know where to start. Being honest here. I guess it would be impossible to detail every single argument or everything that was said and done. And at the end of it all, I am left tired and exhausted and part of me just doesn't want to care anymore for her.

I'm 35 years old and she is 31. I spent 3 years with her. Three long years. From the start she was very much blunt. I can still remember her telling me on one of our first dates "i want to know how far i can push you". I remember thinking that was odd. I remember her being very sexually detailed to me too. Her room was a mess and she complained about her ex bf who i assume for at least sometime was seeing behind my back - one day I'm her prince next day I can't see you anymore.

I remember 5 months in her telling me she was pregnant on April 1st with her ex's baby and then laughing when I began crying - I'm joking she said. I remember her pulling this joke on me again a month later and how I ran out of my office hyperventilating. This was the beginning. And for some messed up reason, i started noticing that she enjoyed my pain.

But i overlooked these things, thinking maybe i'm being too serious ... .hehe maybe it's me. And the weeks went by - at first we didn't live together so I didn't notice how demanding and controlling she was. I simply thought she cared and to me that was everything. I had met someone like me. She wanted to know where I was at all times ... ."where are you".

She didn't like my friends, critiqued my family and hated my love for my dog. She would frequently suggest that i f**k my dog and that my family was messed up. That my upbrining was not good. Yet, her father had cheated and left the mother (her father was her best friend when she was a little girl) and left the kids. Maybe this is where it started ... .

And then, we moved in. I remember the first big fight over my toothbrush having some paste still between the bristles. How i was disgusting and i didn't know how to brush my teeth. I also didn't know how to shave. I didn't know many things actually. And i was constantly walking on eggshells to please her or else the fights would begin. How many nights I walked out and sat in my car.

She would tell me how i needed to get circumsized ... .that oral sex wasn't an option for me because of it yet with her other men she did enjoy it ... .she always reminded me of other men. Always when there were issues she would being up her sexual history. And i took it, i told her how it bothered me but i feel like it encouraged her more.

And then the hitting started. We were engaged. Not sure why i did this but i thought i could help her resolve her issues by marrying her. She hit me and i felt so ashamed i punched the wall and broke my hand. Weeks later, she got angry and squeezed that very same broken hand. She didn't care. And the hitting continued. The slaps. Kicks. Punches. Hair pulling. The threats to "ruin my life".  Wish i would die. Telling me she had nothing to lose with that death stare. The secret recordings of our fights to make me look bad. And i just could not understand why. WHY. I just wanted to make her happy and she always looked miserable. always on that god damn smartphone, those sexually posed selfies. God forbid if i did anything of the sort - every post of my was critiqued and if i did anything that she saw as a threat i was hit. So, i stopped posting ... she continued her online life.

She moved out yet called me back to her new apartment. We moved back together and then again over the course of months she moved out again. The hitting never stopped and one time our public argument caused the police to stop and separate us ... .she had flipped out because i was talking about an actor ... .she doesn't know actors names and i'm a moron who should know this. i was treated like a criminal, but i stood there crying ... .a cop seeing a scratch on me asked how i got it and i looked at him. He wanted me to talk and i said I "wanted to go home". I was mortified and ashamed. Perhaps my tears said a lot that night, she just wanted to talk to me and leave and not the police ... .perhaps they saw something too.

She would withhold love you and in fact told me "she once loved me". When i was engaged perhaps ... .when i could have solved her problems. And the days continued - always me coming to her. always me showing up or paying or moving her or doing her resume or whatever she could come up with, i did ... .i sweated blood for her and she never not once lift a finger for me. Not once did she ever stop and do something for me ... .perhaps on one birthday she booked a hotel. I got wireless headphones too. That was it in three years. I gave her whatever she needed ... .whatever she wanted.

And the hitting continued. I was blamed on cheating or talking to my ex or hitting on someone i was helping. It never ended. I was bruised and hit with household items. I lost my friends because i pushed everyone she didn't like away. I just wanted us to be happy. I even left my dog with my parents.

I last saw her Saturday, i picked her up ... she lives an hour away now. Not 2 minutes into the drive she started a fight over mail. Mail. Asked to be taken home. I didn't argue this time. I didn't saw a word. I turned and took her back. She thanks for me taking out her trash and that she didn't want to fight with me ... .i still don't know what caused her outrage but i gave up trying to solve a colorless rubix cube. I let her out without a word.

And that has been it. We haven't spoken since and i do not think i can do this anymore. I have hated myself for so long. I don't know if im sad or relieved anymore. I just feel like ten tons have been removed.  There is so much more details i cant fit in this post but i never not once in 3 years told her no except for the marriage. Every night i spent with her i massaged her or caressed her to sleep she never did that once to me. Sex with her was a hit or miss, but the last 2 weeks her family was in a one bedroom apartment ... .while they slept, around her family, it turned her on and wanted sex, when they left she couldn't bother. I could go on forever. this was so messed up i feel like so exhausted. i like i have been through a war. I'm tired. I have reached my limit. And all this because i wanted her to love me.

It's not about if, it's when she calls me. I just dont' want to answer anymore. May god give me strength.

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Mutt
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« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2017, 09:06:29 PM »

Hi epicdaydream,  

Welcome

I don't know where to start.

A lot of us can relate with that statement when they'll arrive on this site. I don't know about you feel but it was hard to turn to people in real that were supportive and understood what I was going through. I recall one family member saying that I must of done something to trigger my exuBPDw, almost as if I deserved it. My point is, a lot of us have a lot on our chests that we've kept to ourselves, any point in your story is a good place to start, take your time and gradually get all of your story out to validate it, to make sense of your experience.

"i want to know how far i can push you".

I'd find that odd too, I spoke about making sense of what you experienced, I suggest to read as much as you can about the disorder, there's a reason why a pwBPD act the way that they do.

A central feature of the disorder is abandonment, a pwBPD expect that everyone that they love will abandon at some point, sometimes tge loss of a r/s is actually cause by a pwBPD's self destructive behaviour. She was testing you to see how far she could go before you were going to leave her.

I remember 5 months in her telling me she was pregnant on April 1st with her ex's baby and then laughing when I began crying - I'm joking she said.

I'd panic too if I were in your shoes, again I believe that she was trying to push the limits to see if you would leave if she was pregnant with someone else's baby.

Not sure why i did this but i thought i could help her resolve her issues by marrying her.

I had the same thoughts about my pwBPD, I kept avoiding the subject of getting married when she brought it up because I knew things were rocky, I wanted her to prove to me that she was going to acting immature and grow up. Then I changed my mind thinking that milestones might help, so I thought when she turned 30, she might grow up then, because I felt a change when I turned 30.

The same thing when marriage was proposed I thought that being married might make her grow up.

She hit me and i felt so ashamed i punched the wall and broke my hand. Weeks later, she got angry and squeezed that very same broken hand. She didn't care. And the hitting continued. The slaps. Kicks. Punches. Hair pulling.

What a horrible and scary situation to go through, I'm sorry that you went through that

It's not about if, it's when she calls me. I just dont' want to answer anymore. May god give me strength.

You're right, she'll get in touch again, that way it will test your attachment. We're her to support you, some times it takes the support of an entire village, but I agree with you self protection with minimal contact or no contact will help, sometimes we need to self protect, I'd give it some though and if you've had enough then complete commit yourself with self protection and detach if that's what you want. We're here for you. You're not alone.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
epicdaydream

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2017, 09:16:51 PM »

Thank you so much for your thoughts and comments. Unlike some people right now, I am not agonizing anymore about not seeing her or speaking to her -- i use to do this and couldn't sleep and just would ruin my weeks. But now, perhaps that i lived with it for so long i just feel numb to it on some level. It's the moments of her weakness when those thoughts come in or i see her in tears, it breaks my heart because i just can't f**king fix it for her ... .i wish i could have, i wish i could have cured her. that's what gets me man. I don't know who there is to blame - but maybe her father. She would break down and say her father didn't love her randomly out of the blue during an episode. You don't know what that does to my heart thinking about that. I never wanted her in pain.

Since Saturday i've slept ok. I don't obsess over if she will text me and i DO NOT go on her social media accounts. No amount of curiosity will allow me to do this - Just in case there's something i don't want to see.

I feel like i got knocked out and woke up and just not sure where i am or what happened. I feel sorry for her demons, she doesn't deserve it and it's not her fault she has this illness ... .but it was killing me. i would be so so so miserable everyday -- i enjoyed going to work bc it got me out of the house, i'd even go early!

she will call. first thought will be if she is ok. then i will wonder if she was with someone else. One time, on these little breaks, i asked her and she said "yes i was with my ex" and then said "i'm joking, i wasn't". I still don't know if it was true or not.

Thank you again, it's nice to know theres this community of people who experienced the same thing. I feel like i got ill being near her and in some ways ended up codependent for a long time. I accepted the hitting ... .but i never hit her back, i just got away from her. i would cry and cry and i felt like i was losing my mind and a few times she made me bleed - when she saw that she would calm down and try to take care of me. crazy.

Hi epicdaydream, 

Welcome

A lot of us can relate with that statement when they'll arrive on this site. I don't know about you feel but it was hard to turn to people in real that were supportive and understood what I was going through. I recall one family member saying that I must of done something to trigger my exuBPDw, almost as if I deserved it. My point is, a lot of us have a lot on our chests that we've kept to ourselves, any point in your story is a good place to start, take your time and gradually get all of your story out to validate it, to make sense of your experience.

I'd find that odd too, I spoke about making sense of what you experienced, I suggest to read as much as you can about the disorder, there's a reason why a pwBPD act the way that they do.

A central feature of the disorder is abandonment, a pwBPD expect that everyone that they love will abandon at some point, sometimes tge loss of a r/s is actually cause by a pwBPD's self destructive behaviour. She was testing you to see how far she could go before you were going to leave her.

I'd panic too if I were in your shoes, again I believe that she was trying to push the limits to see if you would leave if she was pregnant with someone else's baby.

I had the same thoughts about my pwBPD, I kept avoiding the subject of getting married when she brought it up because I knew things were rocky, I wanted her to prove to me that she was going to acting immature and grow up. Then I changed my mind thinking that milestones might help, so I thought when she turned 30, she might grow up then, because I felt a change when I turned 30.

The same thing when marriage was proposed I thought that being married might make her grow up.

What a horrible and scary situation to go through, I'm sorry that you went through that

You're right, she'll get in touch again, that way it will test your attachment. We're her to support you, some times it takes the support of an entire village, but I agree with you self protection with minimal contact or no contact will help, sometimes we need to self protect, I'd give it some though and if you've had enough then complete commit yourself with self protection and detach if that's what you want. We're here for you. You're not alone.
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Mutt
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



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« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2017, 09:44:14 PM »

It's the moments of her weakness when those thoughts come in or i see her in tears, it breaks my heart because i just can't f**king fix it for her ... .i wish i could have, i wish i could have cured her. that's what gets me man.

I think that there a lot of us on these boards that have a great amount of compassion, you have to protect yourself, I didn't have boundaries with my exuBPDw, I thought about it, how is someone else supposed to know how I like to be treated?  Why am I leaving it  in their hands and not expressing what I need?

You mentioned codependency, don't we act like Superman with trying to fix and repair everything for our pwBPD? That statement is twofold, we're not above the disorder, we can't cure our pwBPD, that's something that she has to choose on her own accord, she can't be persuaded to get help.

I felt the same too about my ex, I felt a lot sadness, it was heartbreaking that mental illness was imprisioning her, her actions are driven by the disorder, that being said, she also has a responsibility to care of herself?

That emotional exhaustion that you're feeling is something that we've felt too, we tend to bend our backs and try to take care of others and neglect ourselves in the process. You can get back to a space where you'll feel recharged and maybe even better than before you met her.
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mjssmom
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« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2017, 04:02:20 AM »

Wow, I almost don't know what to say. My dear you have endured extreme abuse in this relationship. No wonder you are so tired and feeling numb. And at the same time I hope it's a sign that you're on the way to recovery and leaving this woman who has done so much damage, behind you. You take care of you now. You need it and deserve it. You're worth so much more than what she's handed you. Do me a favor? Anytime you have a good thought of her or if you have the urge to contact her at all or even a thought about missing her, read this post before you act. Remember how tired you are right now. Then take what energy you have left and invest it entirely into being good to yourself. Good luck to you!
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epicdaydream

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Posts: 27


« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2017, 08:06:56 AM »

Opps. I deleted my response. Just wanted to thank you a d sorry if I bring up random moments in my response. I'm a little scatter brained w this and things come and go.

I woke up last night in a sweat no sure where I was. I moved back w my folks for a little bit. I just don't want to be alone. I have never felt like this before. I thought I could have saved her. I thought it was a phase. She would see the love. But she always said that I didn't love her. That was maybe the worst thing she did despite the other things being bad.
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Aesir
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« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2017, 12:59:30 PM »

I totally understand the superman/fixer role. At time I felt that I was falling apart while trying to hold her together.
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epicdaydream

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Posts: 27


« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2017, 04:14:32 PM »

Man, it has ruined my happiness. Nothing I did was ever right. Nothing. I one time went to buy a ps4 for myself and had her nephew with me. He was so happy and glowing that after I bought the PlayStation I handed it to him in front of her bc of course he's a kid and kids deserve it. Man, she was PISSED at me. No not pissed, infuriated ... .bc the little kid didnt deserve it.

Another time a previous ex of mine and her husband saw me and my gf. She approached us w her husband. When my gf found out who this girl was she stormed away from me and didn't talk to me for hours. I couldn't have helped this situation but I was blamed. I didn't want to be rude to these two people. It was horrible.

My life with her has been one big blame. No matter what I did or what I didn't do it was always my fault.  Man this hurts... .

One time I brought my dog with us and her and her family promptly went into a restaurant and left me outside and didn't even ask if I wanted anything to eat. Her mother i strongly believe goes along w her daughter bc she does not want to deal w the backlash if she tried to defend me. Actually I have never seen her mother disagree w her daughter but I did see an argument And my ex gf completely lost her mind. That day i was left alone bc She was mad I took her nephew for ice cream earlier. I sat outside the restaurant with me dog for an hour alone in the cold. No one came to defend me.


I totally understand the superman/fixer role. At time I felt that I was falling apart while trying to hold her together.
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