27 y/o daughter

[Alright]

I believe that my 27 y/o daughter has BPD, I had never heard of it but was well aware that she has significant problems. She has been in and out of therapy since she was 20 and all that I had been told was that she had anxiety and depression. After a recent suicide threat she was in a 6 week intensive outpatient program. She told me that the therapist said that she has anxiety, depression, OCD and all of the symptoms of BPD except disassociation and they were reluctant to make that diagnosis. This she told me two weeks into the treatment. She is unwilling to involve me in the therapy or obtain separate family counseling. My only involvement is to pay the bill with my credit card. I don't even know what type of therapy she is in, if it is one of the methods that really can help.
The more that I read about this condition, the more I am convinced that she does indeed suffer from it and I believe that her Dad (my ex-husband) also suffers from it. Suddenly my entire adult life finally makes a bit of sense.
My daughter is smart, beautiful and talented. She doesn't use drugs or have casual sex. She just can't manage everyday responsibilities like opening the mail, paying the bills, cleaning the house. I have spent so much money trying to keep her on track and not let her credit be ruined that I have very little saved for my own retirement.
I feel strongly that it is time to just let her fail or stand on her own feet but how will I live with myself if this throws her into a tailspin and she follows through on her threats and does attempt suicide?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello Alright and welcome to bpdfamily  *Hi!

I'm sorry what brings you here and glad you found us for support, understanding and learning to move forwards.  As you say it's a bit of a light bulb moment isn't it

Like you I'd never heard of BPD though while DD had been displaying symptoms through her teens, the dots did not join up in the medical profession until 2 years ago when my then 26yrDD was hospitalised and diagnosed.

It's great your DD is sharing with you what the therapist told her about her latest possible diagnosis. My DD has just completed 12 months DBT the skills she has learnt helps her better manage her emotional disorder as she works towards wellbeing, recovery and independent living. I see this as my daughter's journey and her responsibility to recover independently from me, I'm aside her learning the skills to your right that my DD is learning, me gaining an education to keep up with her, validating her efforts and her fight to be well.

From what you say it sounds like your DD is fighting to be well, as you are paying for her treatment can you ask her what it is, again?

Small gentle steps help.

WDx

[ToddRK]

My situation is similar.  My daughter is 28 and does have a history of drug use.  She is starting to show signs of pulling it together,  but I am not ready to declare victory.  I will say this,  you must hold her accountable for her actions.  Jumping down the rabbit hole with her will not help her,  but it will definitely harm you.  If you haven't read Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger,  please get a copy.  In particular,  read chapter 8. 

My advice is to have some minimal responsibilities,  but hold her to them.  She needs successes on which to start rebuilding her life.  Start with the basics,  like paying her bills. It will help you,  but it will also give her proof that she can do this.  In the meantime,  start saving for retirement!  Do it now.  If you get to retirement and have no means of your own,  you are no good to her and no good to yourself.  A good analogy is what they tell you on any commercial flight.  If you're traveling with small children and the plane gets in trouble,  they always tell you to put your oxygen mask on first.  The scenario is the same,  if you are incapacitated,  then you're no good to the children.  Take care of yourself and then you can see to them.  The logic works here too