legal help

[Bobber]

Hello,

I am in a very abusive relationship with an undiagnosed BPD.  After reading about BPD he fits the mold a lot.

I need to leave, but not sure the best way.  We have a house together and I am concerned about just leaving everything behind.  He gets completely irrational and threatens to destroy my possessions.  I would find it difficult to move somewhere else and still afford to pay the mortgage.  I'm afraid he would refuse to sell or make it extremely difficult to do so.  I value my good credit, and if he didn't pay the mortgage and refused to sell, the house would probably be foreclosed on.  Also I'm afraid he will make it extremely difficult to get my things out as well as damaging the house in some way.

Has anyone out there been through this?  What resources are there to get help with any of this?

Thanks for any suggestions.

Bob

[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello 

These are tough relationships, and leaving can be difficult. I'm so sorry you're in a very abusive relationship, and hope you're safe.

It's good that you're reaching out for help from friends here who understand what it's like. Being abused AND alone is rough

Have you consulted with a lawyer? Ideally more than one. Consultations are usually a couple hundred, sometimes more if you live in an urban area. That will give you some concrete information to guide you, so you can start to make a plan. I found having a plan helped put everything into focus, and my feelings weren't so jacked up.

Whatever you do, don't tell your spouse you've consulted with an L!

If you don't have kids, it might be ok to consult with one L, but honestly, finding a good one can make all the difference in our cases so it's probably worth the extra $$ just to experience a few different consultations.

And then start planning. I photocopied all important paperwork and stored it somewhere else. I got a storage locker and began removing nostalgic items (they usually get destroyed first). Others here recommend video taping your home and belongings so you have a digital copy of what items you had, and what condition they were in. Get a credit card in your name only. Open a bank account in your name only. If you can, put a little extra cash in the account. You might even want to get a prepaid phone or a number your spouse cannot monitor. Do not use a shared computer to look into divorce or BPD, and if you have the means, get a therapist.

If you don't have kids, things will be less complicated from a legal perspective, but BPD traits will make even the most innocuous thing a major obstacle. This board is great for helping you leverage your lawyer's counsel so that you don't end up leaving everything to the discretion of the judge, if it comes to that.

For example, make sure your L writes up all of the orders, even if it costs you more. And add contingencies for non-compliance so that failure to comply (which will be all but inevitable) has a consequence that is reasonable and likely to work in your favor.

Probably getting ahead of myself here. 

Best thing at this point is to talk to lawyers and then, if you are comfortable doing so, share your thoughts here and get peer support about whether the lawyers' strategies are good taking into consideration BPD antics and whatnot.

You'll have to be a little more vigilant than most lawyers are when it comes to extracting yourself, so they'll supply the strategy and you'll have to goose them to make sure things are locked down.

We're here for you. You don't have to walk this alone.

LnL

 

[formflier]

You have found the right place to discuss a way forward in your relationship (divorce or staying and evaluating a bit).  I'm still together with my wife, but things are "locked and loaded", should I ever feel that divorcing or separating is in my best interests.

Knowing (vice guessing... .or going with "what I've heard" what lies in front of me gives me confidence to have strong "boundaries" (a relationship tool we teach at bpdfamily) as well as use other "relationship tools" that are taught on other boards.

This board specializes in the "legal" parts of this.

I want to join livednlearned in encouraging you to interview lawyers and keep that private from anyone... .including your wife. 

Think about using "incognito" mode on browsers and doing other things to "hide" your activities, should your wife go actively snooping around.

As you can imagine, it is unlikely to be pleasant if she finds emails between you and lawyers.

I would encourage you to come back here and discuss legal matters.  I would also encourage to you check out the other boards (perhaps "conflicted" will be a good fit for you) as a place to go "vent" or find out strategies to calm things while you consider YOUR future.

Looking forward to getting to know you better... .   

Oh... .one more thing.  I'm a big fan off scanning documents and storing them "in the cloud" (assuming strong password protection) in addition to having meticulously organized physical files stored at a secure location.

FF

[ForeverDad]

"We have a house together... ."  Is it deeded in both your names?  Is the mortgage or any other legal paperwork in both names?  Those answers can help us share our collective wisdom based on our experiences.

If you are the only one on the deed then likely you can ask your attorney whether you need to file for eviction.  Lots of legalities there so best left to your local legal advisor.

Beware, if you are not on the deed but are on a mortgage then you're in a sticky situation.  He either needs to refinance on his own or the property will have to be sold.  You can't remain owing on something you don't own.

How to protect yourself and your interests?  Take photos and videos if the interior and exterior of the residence.  Be sure to include anything of value or that he might quibble about.  This will prove what was or wasn't there on that date as well as the condition.  (Similar how you would do it to establish insurance coverage.)

As for your personal mementos and precious possessions, consider removing them little by little over weeks and storing them somewhere he doesn't have access either electronically or physically.  Passport, financial and insurance records, etc.  Perhaps at some point he may notice something missing, be prepared with a non-inflammatory response.  Did sis ask for that piece of furniture, vase or photo?  Is bro helping you to fix that broken motorcycle over at his garage?  See what I mean?

Still, at some point he may figure it out.  Have plans if you need to leave quickly.  Have a Go Bag somewhere nearby that you can get your spare keys, emergency money and a change of clothes.  Also, put a trusted friend or relative's number on speed dial.  Visit the local police station so they can contribute their insight and also get to know you are not the problem person.  If you do leave and need to reenter, the police probably can arrange to accompany you for a peaceful visit, they certainly want to avoid incidents.  However, long term solutions may require court to referee a solution.  (Also, if a co-owner doesn't want to sell, the court can force a sale.  It will do everything it can to avoid showdowns but eventually it will ensure the co-ownership ends somehow.)