being raised by a toddler

[Depression = 72% of members]

I always thought that my mother was some kind of monster. She seemed so larger than life, so... .evil. I loved to read as a child and as an abuse victim myself I naturally experienced splitting and saw her as some kind of fairy-tail villain. It wasn't until my Husband was recently diagnosed with BPD that I finally read a diagnosis that made sense for her. After years of therapy and books and seeing that she was something more than just an alcoholic I couldn't find anything that fit. Bipolar, no, narcissist, no, psychopathic? maybe, sadist? definitely (although I don't think that that is a technical diagnosis)
Learning about BPD has had such an amazing affect on me. I can finally make it not my fault (of course logically I knew it wasn't my fault but I couldn't rid myself of the core belief) Through interacting with my husband with the new tools that I am learning from the books I have read and other resources, I think I now can understand that she was nothing like a powerful fire breathing witch dragon, but more like a scared and angry toddler. Screaming and throwing herself on the floor of the grocery store (not literally) and lashing out and demanding treats (constant flow of white zinfandel).
She needed a Mommy or Daddy to tell her 'no' and give her a time out. But unfortunately there were no adults to be found in that house, just me and a baby sister and a 7yr old little brother who was being molested by the friend she had sleeping with him in his bed.
I know its not reasonable for me to think I could have been that adult for her. I wish I could have been.

[Kailin]

I always thought that my mother was some kind of monster. She seemed so larger than life, so... .evil. I loved to read as a child and as an abuse victim myself I naturally experienced splitting and saw her as some kind of fairy-tail villain. It wasn't until my Husband was recently diagnosed with BPD that I finally read a diagnosis that made sense for her. After years of therapy and books and seeing that she was something more than just an alcoholic I couldn't find anything that fit. Bipolar, no, narcissist, no, psychopathic? maybe, sadist? definitely (although I don't think that that is a technical diagnosis)
Learning about BPD has had such an amazing affect on me. I can finally make it not my fault (of course logically I knew it wasn't my fault but I couldn't rid myself of the core belief) Through interacting with my husband with the new tools that I am learning from the books I have read and other resources, I think I now can understand that she was nothing like a powerful fire breathing witch dragon, but more like a scared and angry toddler. Screaming and throwing herself on the floor of the grocery store (not literally) and lashing out and demanding treats (constant flow of white zinfandel).
She needed a Mommy or Daddy to tell her 'no' and give her a time out. But unfortunately there were no adults to be found in that house, just me and a baby sister and a 7yr old little brother who was being molested by the friend she had sleeping with him in his bed.
I know its not reasonable for me to think I could have been that adult for her. I wish I could have been.

[Panda39]

She needed a Mommy or Daddy to tell her 'no' and give her a time out.

This is in part why boundaries are an important tool, by setting boundaries the pwBPD (and anyone else for that matter) learn that there are consequences to their actions.  Boundaries are also important because they protect us.

Boundaries

Are when you put your values into action and clarify what is and what is not acceptable to you and act accordingly to defend these values.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

I know its not reasonable for me to think I could have been that adult for her. I wish I could have been.

Be glad you weren't an adult for her, that is called parentification and that is an incredibly damaging place to put a child.  My SO's older daughter played that role with her mother and struggles with it's effects even now and she has been no contact with her mother for the last 2 years.  She still plays the role of wife and mother (nothing sexual - more like household caretaker to her dad and sister and boss of her sister).  She's a 21 year old college student life for her now should be about her but she still plays this role that her mother raised her to play.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=312793.0

Panda39

[Notwendy]

I can relate. My mother is elderly and emotionally a toddler. Ironically, she has grown into her diagnosis- many elderly people need assistance with the tasks of daily life and some can be emotionally volatile. The difference is that my mother has been this way for as long as I can recall. The times she has lived in have also benefited her. It wasn't unusual in her era to live at home, marry young, and not work outside the home. She married a man who had the means to hire household help, so her responsibilities in the home were negligible. I used to resent that we had child care- even with a mother at home. I wanted a mommy like my friends' mommies. These mommies cooked yummy food and loved them and took them places. As I got older, some of these mommies did interesting work outside the home or volunteered or had hobbies. One of the great mysteries growing up was what did my mother do? We couldn't figure that out. Coming home from school we had no idea what to expect- a raging screaming mother? The house in shambles?

I didn't know anything about BPD growing up, but I recall being a young adolescent and sitting at the dinner table having a conversation with my father about something I was learning at school- one of the early adult type conversations I would have with him. My mother started acting silly and childish at the table- just like a toddler does when she wants to get attention. She could have joined the conversation, like another adult, but she just acted silly. I  realized then that she wasn't an adult. Yet, she was a toddler with full control of my father, his bank account and our family life. She controlled everything and I had to obey her.

By high school, I began counting the days till I could go to college and become financially independent of my parents.

When I became a mother myself- it really highlighted the difference. I didn't leave my children alone with my mother- ever.  I also understood why we had child care - and was grateful for it. Someone took care of us and gave us adult time and attention.

It isn't our job to parent our parents. My mother does want me to help her and I try, but it is frustrating because she wants it to be her way with her in charge. When parenting a toddler, the parent is in charge, so it doesn't really work well to try to parent her, even if I want to help her.

[Kailin]

Hi Panda, thanks for your response. I agree so much that boundaries are vital! For a long time I was trying to pacify my husband by giving him everything he wanted. Bit this only made him become more demanding. He is responding well to his new boundaries and I'm feeling considerably less crazy. I will read through the links you sent me.
I also see what's you mean about the bad effects of parenting your parent as a child.  I just can't help but wonder if I could have stopped some of the abuse Somehow

[Kailin]

Hi Notwendy, thanks for sharing your experience. It's validating to see others have the same perseption as oneself, especially with such a complex diagnosis as BPD. What you said reminded me of a question I had about distinguishing between     Apparent competence And active passivity as described in the book 'Loving someone with a borderline personality disorder'. In apparent competence they pretend they can do something when they actually can't, in active passivity they: " In this state, your relative is adopting a passive problem-solving style. For somewhat complicated reasons, your loved one feels incapable of solving a problem at hand and therefore turns to you to get the job done." Its hard to know sometimes when to encourage them to work out the problem and carry out themselves the needed steps vs giving them too much responsibility.

[Notwendy]

Apparent competence describes my mother! She insists she is able to do something but then coerces people to do it for her- and then takes credit for it.

It was confusing as a teen. My mother would sign up to bring baked goods to a school function, then come home and rage at me to do it for her. I imagine then, she would show up with the home baked goodies as her own.

One time, I accidentally burned them and she threw a fit accusing me of doing that on purpose. I went out and got more ingredients and made them again. I had no idea what was going on then- didn't know about BPD.

A later one is to sign up for a book club, then have us do all the computer work - e mails, graphics, so she could do her turn of leading the book discussion.

What is really odd is that she will take my stories of being a mother and change them to hers. If she asks what I am doing, I might say- I drove the kids to soccer practice. Then she will say "I remember driving you kids around". But she didn't do that.

She didn't have her own e mail account and shared one with my father.

I agree with letting her figure things out on her own. But she is so manipulative, she finds ways to get others to do things for her. She even seems to enjoy this process- manipulating people to do things for her and she mostly gets her way. Now, as an elderly person, she does need assistance with tasks and it is normal for people to help her.

[Kailin]

 I can relate to what you're saying about looking back on the past and realizing that as a child not knowing about BPD the way that I perceive things is so different from the way that I can see them now that I have so much knowledge about the disorder.  I think now with my husband who has BPD I also have to make many choices about how I'm going to react and what demands I'm going to give into.  My husband's therapist recommended talking things out with him in a calm way and helping him to reason on the issues himself.  I am actually finding  this to be very useful since glossing over the problems would inevitably lead to a build up of emotion and a lashing out on his part.  Like we read in so many places validation is so important in these conversations.  Where as I used to avoid addressing his emotional reactions now I will ask him how he feels. He is getting better at being able to access some of his adult logical brain in these types of conversations and not becoming completely emotionally disregulated.