My ex - did she suffer from BPD and help moving on

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all, I am new here and was recommended this by someone following my breakup with an ex who I split up with a year ago. For background it was probably the most intense relationship I have had and is probably one of the reasons I'm struggling to get over her.

At the outset when we met she was quite keen and very beautiful.  She was a shy character with a latin personality (fiery and unpredictable). It almost seemed too easy and I was thinking to myself wow this girl is stunning and she likes me! There was odd behaviour fairly early on, like she would get annoyed at me if I didnt text her whilst at work or if I turned up 10mins late for a date (she would sulk for quite a while and then cheer up).  I was actually going to dump her but things seemed to improve and we had some nice dates.  

Eventually after a couple of months I could see that stress was making her anxious and she eventually said that she suffered from anxiety and sometimes depression. She also admitted to a past eating disorder.  I actually also noticed she suffered from OCD. Once she had told me about her mental health it was like a weight was lifted for her and she was able to cry pretty freely when she wanted to - in the morning, after work, in the taxi, at a restaurant.  I had never seen this before and found it quite odd.  She would also get quite emotional over small things, such as messing around in bed; the next minute she was getting dressed and heading home. Apparently over something I said. This happened a couple of times.

Anyway I'll try and summarise her other behaviours:
- Sex - We had it pretty early on and we had unprotected sex the first time, very stupid I know
- Very jealous and emotionally unstable. Would ignore me if I spoke to other girls at a party. Would cry pretty easily too, and came across as the victim in a lot of scenarios.
- Couldnt take criticism, at work or in our relationship. If I raised an issue she would normally start crying and shut down. Then try to deflect or just ignore me.
- Blame shifting - This didnt happen a lot but it was generally always my fault. Occasionally she would apologise for things, normally after I started ignoring her but generally I wasnt doing something right. Once she blamed me for leaving her jumper behind, even though she clearly said when she left the house she didnt need it.
- Was worried I would leave her - She would ask me what I am up to, who I was seeing, what girl was texting me (occasional), would ask me whether I was going to leave her. When I was going on holiday or if she was going without me she would worry a lot.
- Craved attention - Occasionally she would say I didnt kiss her enough, and she didnt feel like she was in a relationship etc etc.
- Selfish/lacking empathy - It was as if my needs didnt really count. She contributed little towards the relationship but I could never do more.  We did long distance for a bit and she would find a way of making me feel guilty even though she moved
- Mood swings - She could snap at me for minor things, like wearing the wrong clothes or crossing the road when the lights were red. If I put her bag on the floor she would give me an evil look.

Eventually it started to wear me down and she gaslighted me when I went to visit and accused me of using her.  We fell out because I stuck to my guns and said she needed to make some effort. She did for a bit but would then say things like, there is so much you dont do for me (basically deflecting from the point).  I dumped her in the end but oddly I still miss her. Yes she was stunning, but I kind of felt safe with her and thought we would end up married with children.  

I guess Im looking for input on whether she could have been BPD or suffered from the traits? Im fairly new to this and its only since the breakup that I have discovered it. Im so tempted to get in touch with her, she has only been in touch once since the breakup. If anyone has any questions please feel free to ask.

[lookouthewindow]

Hi all, I am new here and was recommended this by someone following my breakup with an ex who I split up with a year ago. For background it was probably the most intense relationship I have had and is probably one of the reasons I'm struggling to get over her.

At the outset when we met she was quite keen and very beautiful.  She was a shy character with a latin personality (fiery and unpredictable). It almost seemed too easy and I was thinking to myself wow this girl is stunning and she likes me! There was odd behaviour fairly early on, like she would get annoyed at me if I didnt text her whilst at work or if I turned up 10mins late for a date (she would sulk for quite a while and then cheer up).  I was actually going to dump her but things seemed to improve and we had some nice dates.  

Eventually after a couple of months I could see that stress was making her anxious and she eventually said that she suffered from anxiety and sometimes depression. She also admitted to a past eating disorder.  I actually also noticed she suffered from OCD. Once she had told me about her mental health it was like a weight was lifted for her and she was able to cry pretty freely when she wanted to - in the morning, after work, in the taxi, at a restaurant.  I had never seen this before and found it quite odd.  She would also get quite emotional over small things, such as messing around in bed; the next minute she was getting dressed and heading home. Apparently over something I said. This happened a couple of times.

Anyway I'll try and summarise her other behaviours:
- Sex - We had it pretty early on and we had unprotected sex the first time, very stupid I know
- Very jealous and emotionally unstable. Would ignore me if I spoke to other girls at a party. Would cry pretty easily too, and came across as the victim in a lot of scenarios.
- Couldnt take criticism, at work or in our relationship. If I raised an issue she would normally start crying and shut down. Then try to deflect or just ignore me.
- Blame shifting - This didnt happen a lot but it was generally always my fault. Occasionally she would apologise for things, normally after I started ignoring her but generally I wasnt doing something right. Once she blamed me for leaving her jumper behind, even though she clearly said when she left the house she didnt need it.
- Was worried I would leave her - She would ask me what I am up to, who I was seeing, what girl was texting me (occasional), would ask me whether I was going to leave her. When I was going on holiday or if she was going without me she would worry a lot.
- Craved attention - Occasionally she would say I didnt kiss her enough, and she didnt feel like she was in a relationship etc etc.
- Selfish/lacking empathy - It was as if my needs didnt really count. She contributed little towards the relationship but I could never do more.  We did long distance for a bit and she would find a way of making me feel guilty even though she moved
- Mood swings - She could snap at me for minor things, like wearing the wrong clothes or crossing the road when the lights were red. If I put her bag on the floor she would give me an evil look.

Eventually it started to wear me down and she gaslighted me when I went to visit and accused me of using her.  We fell out because I stuck to my guns and said she needed to make some effort. She did for a bit but would then say things like, there is so much you dont do for me (basically deflecting from the point).  I dumped her in the end but oddly I still miss her. Yes she was stunning, but I kind of felt safe with her and thought we would end up married with children.  

I guess Im looking for input on whether she could have been BPD or suffered from the traits? Im fairly new to this and its only since the breakup that I have discovered it. Im so tempted to get in touch with her, she has only been in touch once since the breakup. If anyone has any questions please feel free to ask.

[Unbiased]

Thank you for sharing your story.

She definently has traits of BPD in my opinion. Emotionally unstable, the blaming, the manipulations, the insecurity and the fear of beeing leaved behind.

I recognize alot of those things you write. The intenseness either you are the best person or the worst. It always start out as good impressions. A few really good dates, memories and days that never seem to come again. Things you look back to later on and so desperatly try to get back when it all goes to sh.t. The thing or atleast my theory is that they were never this person. She was never that lovable, adorable girl that loved everything about you and had a keen interest in your wellbeing. It was all just a trick to lure you in.
For me it was also the blamning part. She could remember things I did a year ago and bring it up later on just out of the blue. She could get so angry she would physically abuse me. It was so hard to leave and easy to get left.

Time heal wounds but the scars will be there. What matters most is your personality, how you deal with problems and your ability to move on. Focusing on your hobbies and career helped me. It is also good to reflect back as it is then easy to so how sick your relationship was and why it was good it ended. Atleast it was like this for me.

[lookouthewindow]

Hi
Thank you for your response. I kind of wished I knew about this whilst I was with her. At least I could have brought it up and helped.
I remember she phoned me one night after about 5 months of dating. She said that I need to accept this is who she is and she will be like it for the rest of her life. I didnt really think too much about this at the time and presumed she was talking about her anxiety. So I said fine lets talk about another time.  I wonder now looking back if she knew about BPD but hey its pointless wondering what if.

Ive been doing well but I still struggle accepting she is with someone else. I still miss her even after a year and find myself wanting to reach out to her, if only to be friends. The thought of not seeing her again makes me sad. I still wake up and imagine her next to me in bed. I wish she wasnt so hot and I probably wouldnt give her a second thought.  Also I think the main part is she could be so sweet and kind but then a day later, be really off and rude. I always felt that her other side just needed time to shine through. Part of me wishes I'd never met her. I used to be such a care free guy and now my mind is full of rubbish about personality disorders and ruminating over a crazy ex.

[Unbiased]

Well I wish the same. I can't change the past. No matter how goodlooking she was her dirty inside made her ugly.

I said to myself just end it. Get it over with. Life is just a long road of pain atleast take control and be done with it. Maybe one day I will but I am still here having a fools hope that someday I will be happy. This however is my depression. Beeing free of that witch is the only consolation.

[Mutt]

Hi lookouthewindow,

          I kind of wished I knew about this whilst I was with her. At least I could have brought it up and helped

 
Most pwBPD have an underlying clinical depression with anxiety, usually therapists want to treat problems with substance abuse first, the same goes with depression and anxiety because it can help lessen the BPD symptoms overall. Anyways, being told that you have depression and anxiety is one thing, most people don't give it a second thought when they hear it, there are depression campaings for at least of couple of decades, maybe more, it's widely accepted in society. Now BPD is something different, it is heavily stigmatized still in 2017.

Let's turn the telescope the other way around and don't give it much thought, just think about the first thing that pops up in your mind. How you would feel if someone said that they think that you have the most difficult and stigmatized personality disorder?  Would you have open mind? Would you be receptive?

[lookouthewindow]

Yes I know, a few people have said this to me too. Unfortunately I just see a picture and it brings back so many memories.
It almost feels like none of it was real and yet I was so in love with her.
I also question myself and whether I made the right choice in ending it. I thought she might apologise and ask for another chance but she just moved on.

[lookouthewindow]

If she had told me I would have read up on it and tried to help the best I could.
I feel that as she didnt tell me the truth I only knew half the story. I always tried to get her to open up about her feelings but she never could and just said this is the way she is. It was so frustrating. The only time she would, was when the boot was on the other foot and she knew that she had messed up. Then she would say lets both talk about our feelings.

[Mutt]

just said this is the way she is. It was so frustrating.

I agree with her, she is who she is, she would have to go into therapy to learn how to interact with others and how to communicate, a pwBPD have black / white and unstable interpersonal r/s skills, what pains you is that she doesn't understand her role in the r/s and she can't put herself in your shoes or there's a severe lack of understanding on her part.

The frustration that your experiencing is because she can't meet you in the middle ( 50 / 50 ), you probably feel like you put in 80 to 90% of the effort into the r/s, if she has BPD and is not being treated, she can't exceed her limitations, she may or may not change, I'd suggest to accept that, if it's something that you think that you can work with.

[lookouthewindow]

Yes you hit the nail on the head. I used to say to her Im doing 90% of this relationship and it wont work forever unless you start to pull your weight.  She used to accuse me of not doing enough which obviously incensed me given I felt she was doing nothing. How can you sit there complaining when you dont do anything yourself? It was like arguing with a brick wall. Nothing I ever said was going to sink in.

The annoying thing is she wouldnt get help. Everyone walked on eggshells around her, even her parents. I think I was the only one who told her how it is. Her parents just did everything for her and I think she became accustomed to it. What would happen if she had children? You cannot be so selfish in that situation and I know she was keen to have children.

[Mutt]

I notice that you have boundaries, why are you second guessing your boundaries?

Are you thinking about tweaking some of your boundaries? You said that she's hot, what else are you attracted to with her?

[lookouthewindow]

I do yes. I wouldnt say Im second guessing them. I feel annoyed for putting so much effort in and getting little in return. I treated her like a princess and yet she seemed so ungrateful. Also because I found her behaviour so odd I sometimes question my own decisions in the relationship and whether her viewpoint was right or if its just the constant 'noise' got to me.

We had lots of good times together and I guess I do miss her. She was very attractive and alluring but we had a similar outlook on life too. We both liked good food and a quieter life plus we could joke around a lot (most of the time). I guess I just question whether I jumped the gun on ending the relationship.