Ended as quickly as it began

[WeelX]

Hi there everyone,

This is my first time posting here (apologies if I'm breaking any rules, not sure if introduction posts are mandatory). Usually I'm not one to sign up on small group forums etc, but I feel this is a place I need right now and maybe I can gain some insight and help.

I should start off by saying I'm fairly young compared to most people I've seen on here whilst lurking - I'm currently 19, though I'll be turning 20 soon.
I won't beat around the bush, I'm really not great with girls - haven't had many SO's in my life, haven't asked many girls out, I doubt myself a lot, all that stuff. I wouldn't say I'm unattractive but getting girls to notice me certainly doesn't come naturally to me. Therefore I find it extremely difficult and rare to ever find a girl I connect with very well, both physically and emotionally.

And then she came along.

I knew from the minute I saw her, she was perfect for me. Our conversations only solidified this, and eventually she trusted me enough to tell me about her BPD. I won't lie, I have a bit of a saviour complex, so I ate this up like the absolute genius I am. Things escalated from there, and by a week or so later, we were essentially a couple.

This hell and heaven period lasted about three months in total, and it was the happiest I had been in years. I was home for the summer (still am whilst writing this, last few weeks home) so I had all the time in the world, and the money, to see her frequently and get a train 2 or 3 times a week. Our dates were incredible, and I lost my virginity to her on our second.

The relationship brought along the typical incidents: overreacting to extremely minor things, guilt tripping me, pushing me away, always always claiming she wasn't good enough and that I deserved better. All the time I fought for her and us, and each time I was successful, and she would say how amazing I was for helping her through it. I felt amazing, too. She even said her BPD was getting better from being with me.

And then it happened. Two days of eerie silence, to which she later claimed she was ill when I kept trying to reach her. We told each other we loved each other, I went to work, and she was still silent afterwards. I went to bed with a bad feeling (I have a knack for predicting this stuff, I swear. No joke).
I woke up to "I don't think this is working anymore"

After just three months that was it. Gone. The girl I fell so far for in love because I'm an idiot was gone just like that. Let me tell you something else. I suck at letting go. I don't cry, or plead or beg, but I do try and get people to stay. I kept asking her why she was doing this to me after all that I'd done for her.

Her reasons were varied and kept changing to the point where I think she was lying to me:

"You're going back to uni soon and I can't handle the distance" -  (This had been brought up before and we promised each other we'd at least try to make it work. I come home quite frequently. PLUS, we had at least another two months left together before i would have to go anyway)
"I thought I was getting better but I'm not coping" (She never ever mentioned this to me)

I asked her "why is me not coming back at all better than me going for a few weeks at a time for uni", stuff like that, and she told me to stop it and it wasn't like that. And when I told her to block me so I don't come back, she said "but I don't want this to be it", and "Maybe one day we can give it another go, but I can't right now"

And then the whole "you deserve better than me" thing which had been gone over a million times before. Except somehow this time I couldn't convince her. It was done.

She said she loved me one last time, and after a few more back and forth messages, she left for work and stopped replying. And that was it.


At least for a month.
Oh don't get me wrong though, it wasn't her, it was me. I gave in. I'm weak. About a week ago I texted her asking if we could talk, and her replies here short and cold. Eventually she asked what I wanted and I told her I simply wanted her to say we were done for good so I could let go. She ignored these texts for days whenever I would ask her something like this. After continued persistence, she kept dodging the issue, asking WHY i wanted her to do it.
I unravelled and showed my weakness more. I said I wanted her back and that I loved her. She said the same things as before, that she was sorry she hurt me but that she wasn't coping and that she lost herself. That I deserved someone better, and that she wished me luck in the future.

It was devastating, like going through it all over again - a month of progress for moving on, down the drain. And it was my fault.



Does this mean it's it? I've heard that BPD exes will come back frequently due to their abandonment issues (whether its for honest intentions or narcissistic ones, I get that). But I've also heard showing lack of control turns them away further and I fear she might be gone for good now. She was emotionally abusive, and tore me up sometimes but I still love her and I know it wasn't her fault.

I want to use my anger so badly. I've read about 'mirroring' which may explain what a great fit we were. I've read how self-involved and selfish BPD people can secretly be. I don't want these to be applicable to her, but if they are, I still wan't her to come back merely so I could have the power to say 'no' for once in my life.
It's basically a huge mix of emotions. I want her back but I don't. I should run but I can't - you've likely heard it all before, so I'll stop here.

I apologise for the wall of text especially for a relationship that barely lasted longer than a shower. I tend to ramble a lot :P


Any thoughts or help any of you could give would be greatly appreciated in this difficult period. Thank you so much, even if you are just here for reading. Typing this out makes me feel better.

[Idsrvt2]

I could have written this as well.  Sounds very similar to my x.  I knew him for four years prior and had no clue he had a PD. 
In the end he took out a protection order on me after I lashed out at him when he broke up with me for the third time ... .oddly though what got me the order was a very nice msg to him.

He would always say I deserved better ... i told him I really liked him all of him... .it didn't matter.  The final time he told me he had no connections with anyone at all ... i reacted in anger and snapped...   he then texted he still felt for me but that I wanted him to loose his job and everything he worked for... .he asked what he could do to go in peace... .mind you hours prior he threatened the RO and now wanted peace... .and it was that push pull that happened all the time
I regret not taking his calls trying to make peace... .he was in therapy for awhile

Someone told me he is not doing well and has missed work recently... .I still care and hate that I do.
I want to contact him ... but fear cops and courts again .

I don't have much advice as I still care for my x and he is my mail man... .he won't even speak to me at all... .it's like I don't exist... .,,the days he is not working I feel free and releaved.  We were only boyfriend/gf for three months as well... .so I was hoping we could just get back to being friendly atleast ... .

Welcome to the board, keep posting as it does help. 

[caughtnreleased]

Hi Weel,
I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. I think you've come to the right place to start healing. One thing that caught my eye in your message:

I still wan't her to come back merely so I could have the power to say 'no' for once in my life.
It's basically a huge mix of emotions. I want her back but I don't. I should run but I can't - you've likely heard it all before, so I'll stop here.

You still have the power to say 'no'. I think a lot of us tend to underestimate our power. Your ex will not say it's definitely over - as someone who has a PD she won't definitely cut ties with you. Not making that cut is actually the much more painful thing for you, it hampers you in your recovery, and she remains in control - and I think intuitively, she might know this. PwBPD want people around so they can go back to them - kind of like buoys floating around on the lake that they can latch on to instead of learning how to swim. Your power is to not be a buoy. That is where you can regain your self respect. Take that chain that ties you to the bottom, cut it and walk right out of that lake. That is where your power lies. If she has a PD she will likely come back to you. Probably when you are getting close to shore and it looks like you're about to step out of the water she'll say, Wait, don't go. She doesn't want to lose a buoy because it means having to swim greater distances. So you will have the chance to be a buoy again, or keep walking.

Don't let her take your power from you. I think this is a mistake a lot of non's make. We think the other person holds the power, but it's not the case.

[WeelX]

Hi Weel,
I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. I think you've come to the right place to start healing. One thing that caught my eye in your message:

You still have the power to say 'no'. I think a lot of us tend to underestimate our power. Your ex will not say it's definitely over - as someone who has a PD she won't definitely cut ties with you. Not making that cut is actually the much more painful thing for you, it hampers you in your recovery, and she remains in control - and I think intuitively, she might know this. PwBPD want people around so they can go back to them - kind of like buoys floating around on the lake that they can latch on to instead of learning how to swim. Your power is to not be a buoy. That is where you can regain your self respect. Take that chain that ties you to the bottom, cut it and walk right out of that lake. That is where your power lies. If she has a PD she will likely come back to you. Probably when you are getting close to shore and it looks like you're about to step out of the water she'll say, Wait, don't go. She doesn't want to lose a buoy because it means having to swim greater distances. So you will have the chance to be a buoy again, or keep walking.

Don't let her take your power from you. I think this is a mistake a lot of non's make. We think the other person holds the power, but it's not the case.

Hi there man, thanks for your reply

Sorry for the beginner question, but what is PD abbreviated for? I'm still not perfect on all the acronyms yet haha

Also about your point regarding control, I'd agree completely; however I think I've already lost control with my whole text marathon... .keep in mind this took place a whole month after the separation, not like a few days.
Also how exactly would I display myself as escaping? we don't have mutual friends so if we're not talking, its basically NC anyway. She won't see me if I end up better off, no longer friends on fb etc. She also advised I delete her number so I could move on, which I said I would (but secretly haven't... )

[WeelX]

Sorry for the beginner question, but what is PD abbreviated for? I'm still not perfect on all the acronyms yet haha

nvm its personality disorder, obviously... .this whole thing has probably made me lose intelligence as well lmao

[caughtnreleased]

Hi Weel,

The regaining control is really for yourself. Not for her. It's not about what she sees, it's about what is real for you. That's what no contact helps a lot with. You can start focusing on yourself and what you want without the constant setbacks of what the other person is doing. THat can set you back a lot - so not being friends on social media is a blessing. Trust me. My recovering took much MUCH longer because I kept checking his social media feed and he always had it well stocked with lots of things that made me completely me doubt myself all over again, after having built myself back up. In the end things fell apart for him, until he found someone else willing to play his game.

So again, it's not about her, what she thinks, what she sees. NC is about you. Where you want to be. Healing, building yourself back up, growing as a person. If you lost control last week, you can have control this week - of yourself, not of her. It's about acting the way you want to be acting. And leaving your past behaviour where you want it to be: in the past. And being kind with yourself as you recover.

[WeelX]

Hi Weel,

The regaining control is really for yourself. Not for her. It's not about what she sees, it's about what is real for you. That's what no contact helps a lot with. You can start focusing on yourself and what you want without the constant setbacks of what the other person is doing. THat can set you back a lot - so not being friends on social media is a blessing. Trust me. My recovering took much MUCH longer because I kept checking his social media feed and he always had it well stocked with lots of things that made me completely me doubt myself all over again, after having built myself back up. In the end things fell apart for him, until he found someone else willing to play his game.

So again, it's not about her, what she thinks, what she sees. NC is about you. Where you want to be. Healing, building yourself back up, growing as a person. If you lost control last week, you can have control this week - of yourself, not of her. It's about acting the way you want to be acting. And leaving your past behaviour where you want it to be: in the past. And being kind with yourself as you recover.

I appreciate your advice! I'm definitely going to try my best to focus on myself once the first semester starts, whether it means eating better, restarting the gym, getting blackout drunk, or all three haha.
I really don't want to think of her coming back just to use me, even if it makes sense. The way she would talk to me and act around me, if it was all a lie, let me tell you it worked great. I'm trying to convince myself it may have all been a fabrication, but I can't. I feel so strongly for her still and I would break my own fingers just for one more night.

Something I may have forgotten to mention relating to your earlier comment about her not definitely cutting ties with me, she did say at one point when I tried to text her that we 'could still be friends' which likely supports your idea that she might just be wanting to keep me around as a backup.

I know for a fact that when she does come back, it'll be when I no longer want her. I accept that. My main challenge then is to not give in to the urge to use her to get revenge or something petty like that. I feel like I'm above that.

[WeelX]

Are we allowed the bump topics here? Curious to see if anyone would have any more advice...

Some other details I may or may not have mentioned before but may provide context:

- She stated while breaking up that she was sorry but she gets "numb and emotionless" when 'this' happens

- On top of this, she would often acknowledge the fact that she was ill and broken, and she wouldn't try to dodge around the issue that I've heard some pwBPD's do. Does this mean maybe she could be different? Maybe she isn't trying to intentionally hurt me, I feel like if she's being honest with me maybe she isn't as narcissistic as some other sufferers may be. It's a spectrum after all, right?

Lately I'm starting to crack again. The need to see her and be with her is extremely strong, but I won't cave. Not again. I just can't bear the thought that she might already be with someone else, telling them all the same things she told me. And I believed them. 

[Lost-love-mind]

Your story could be mine except my exBPD failed to ever acknowledged her illness.
I'm not going into detauils but you are fortunate your self identified "genius" was able to realize issues when still with her.
I had a momentary lapse of selfishness with her in texting (she refused to talk on the phone) and accused me of being a narcissist, went NC and the eventually responded by calling me a " retarded POS".
Anyway, as my own educational background taught me, I researched narcissism and it's characteristic of making someone believe they are smarter than most people. I have a doctorate degree, she was a street smart high school graduate.
With my research and therapy I found out I am a conversational narcissistic tendacy genius.
Opened my eyes to my own failing in the relationship and I'm cleaning my side of the street in preparation for my next relationship with a caring and mutual giving woman. Good luck in your own self discovery.

[caughtnreleased]

My ex had self diagnosed as BPD and frankly it was pretty accurate. I wanted to give him credit for being so self aware and thought - maybe he's different.  Unfortunately rather than taking ownership of it and using his awareness to help himself, and get therapy he used it to suck people into become caregivers. It almost worked with me. I had to fight off every impulse I had to try and take care of him. Instead I gave him some really excellent therapy references for BPD that he could access for FREE! I think he wiped his butt with that and instead went off with a replacement who gave him what he wanted - not what he need IMHO. Later during a recycle he seemed to think that recommending therapy had been an incredibly insensitive thing of me to do... .As if I was supposed to be his therapist or something. So... .while he did know he had BPD he wasn't doing anything to help himself and was self medicating with recreational drugs.

[vanx]

Weelx,

I feel for you. Kudos to you for the compassionate part of yourself that wants to give her the benefit of the doubt. The world could use more compassion like that. Keep in mind though that a lot of us nons really need to have some of that compassion for ourselves too.
My ex told me she had BPD. Like you, I respected my ex for telling me so and it did give me faith that she was working on herself and doing the best she could. That's what happens when you love someone. You forgive and accept their flaws, and you have faith in them in their life journey. I think the hard truth though is that while that self honesty is important, it is really only a beginning. It's cool she is apologizing, but is she backing up words with actions, showing she cares, making room for healthy relating? Is she currently in therapy and doing her homework effectively?
I don't believe my ex intentionally hurt me. If someone is truly self-absorbed, I don't think you are really in the picture. The person is too caught up in her own inner turmoil. The intention/lack of doesn't really matter. What matters is what's happening.
As for feeling you are cracking, I can relate. Just keep in mind that even if you did want her back, you reaching out will likely push her away. I know I did.
It's wonderful you have compassion for her, but don't let that stop you from letting go and moving on with your life. Even if things are going to work out someday, I think we both have to do this first.

[vanx]

I just wanted to add too, you say you lack confidence with women. I'm 33 and can relate. I think the most important thing here is don't let
this experience further damage that confidence. Instead, I really hope it can be a lesson about the importance of honoring your own needs. I know it's hard. I was happier too than I've been in a long time with my ex. I guess now it has less to do with her and more with me finding my own joy.

Sorry also I just noticed where you feel worried about showing lack of control. I lacked some control when the rug came up from under me too. Is there anyone else to blame? No, but it's an understandable reaction. If someone rejects your "weakness", I think it says something about the other person, namely that which they loathe about themselves. It's not your fault.

[WeelX]

I just wanted to add too, you say you lack confidence with women. I'm 33 and can relate. I think the most important thing here is don't let
this experience further damage that confidence. Instead, I really hope it can be a lesson about the importance of honoring your own needs. I know it's hard. I was happier too than I've been in a long time with my ex. I guess now it has less to do with her and more with me finding my own joy.

Sorry also I just noticed where you feel worried about showing lack of control. I lacked some control when the rug came up from under me too. Is there anyone else to blame? No, but it's an understandable reaction. If someone rejects your "weakness", I think it says something about the other person, namely that which they loathe about themselves. It's not your fault.

Thank you so much for your words dude. Every single response here has helped dramatically and reminds me I'm not alone, even if I feel my relationship was a little trivial compared to some other people in regards to how long it lasted.

Every day does get a little bit easier. I'm at the point now where I would likely not want to get back with her - I would still say yes, but only for my own selfish reasons, and would likely break it up after a few weeks once I've gotten one last 'fix' - I'm not a perfect person in regards to rational thinking. But, I would of course never do this in practice. Just fantasy I'm talking about here.

I really want to think she was intentionally harming me. It would make it so much easier. But I find it hard to believe she was, she admitted herself that she gets numb and emotionless, which is likely the loss of idealisation and she can't put a name to it. It just sucks knowing right now she is likely telling some other guy all the promises she told me. I'm out of sight, so I'm out of mind. I'm probably already a distant memory to her.

To relate on your other comment, I don't consider myself hopeless with girls or anything. I think I'm quite good actually once I find the right person, it's just I don't really bother until I find someone I like which is rare. I don't get into the whole hookup at clubs thing. Not my thing whatsoever. Hope I'm making sense :P

Thanks again for your input <3