Helping my dad with BPD mom

[Lollia]

First, I apologize for the length. I suspect I'm not the first person here who needs to unload and is fairly verbose in doing it, though ... .

My mother has never been diagnosed with BPD, but I've suspected for years that she has it. Her actual diagnoses are bipolar and OCD. (The OCD was extremely severe many years ago, when I was a child. It's under control now.) She is constantly feuding with someone, she doesn't get along with any of the neighbors, she has extremely low self-worth but is somehow always right about everything, she's made multiple suicide attempts, and she just doesn't seem happy unless she's worked up into a rage about something. Oh, and all of this is my dad's fault.

Nothing is ever HER fault, of course. She doesn't see my three kids because she doesn't want to bother to drive the half-hour to see us and doesn't seem to enjoy having them at her house all that much, either, but she complained that my ex-husband's parents have "highjacked" her grandchildren (yes, because they actually spend time and help out and go places with them).

She is frequently a friendly, outgoing, delightful woman but can have an incredibly vicious streak. I remember right after my divorce, I was paying her to clean my house. I was 1) going through a divorce, 2) starting a new job after having stayed at home and 3) learning to be a single parent to three small kids. She called me up one day screaming and cussing me out and declaring she'd never clean again. Because I hadn't taken the trash out in too long. I didn't talk to her for several months after that. (She eventually did kind of apologize.)

She was hospitalized two years ago after a suicide attempt because the township wouldn't let her have a horse. (Yes, seriously.) She was unconscious for days. That was the third attempt I was aware of; the first was when she was a teenager and the second was about 10 years ago, allegedly because my dad "screamed at her" in front of people for forgetting to pick up pop. (My uncle, who was there at the time, says no such thing happened.) All of the attempts involved pills.

After that attempt, my aunt, a psychologist, finally convinced mom that she was bipolar and not just depressed and needed to be treated appropriately. I thought she was getting better ... .but then she got all worked up in a fury that the next town over was talking about a new factor. It was just a rumor (and not even a true one apparently), but she got all lathered up and was swearing she was never going to shop there again, etc. Then that faded and now it's the neighbors target shooting in their yard (they live in the country). She suggested the other day that "she might snap" if the township didn't do something about it. Guess what? No one at the township wants to do crap, because she's been vile to every person there. But that sort of big talk is normal for her, and overall she seemed in good spirits and we chatted about normal stuff.

So I called yesterday to chat with Mom. She was at the movies with my aunt, and Dad answered. Dad is not normally a talkative guy, and he and I have never been very close, but he just UNLOADED. She's been threatening to commit suicide again because of the neighbors. She reminded him she has "enough pills to kill 10 people." (I also suspect she abuses her painkillers.) He told me she's threatened him before. I begged him to get their rifle out of the house -- which my aunt and I have both been suggesting for years now. I have no idea why he hasn't.

He also told me she'd bragged to him that she's "had affairs with every doctor she's ever had." I don't believe it for a minute -- I know very few doctors who would risk their licenses like that, and frankly, mom is 63 now. She's attractive for her age but not "risk your livelihood" attractive.

He told me that my grandma had left her $100,000 and she's blown through half of it already, mostly on her horse. (Grandma, who was the most frugal woman you'd ever meet, must be spinning in her grave.) Yet she tells ME all the time how broke she is and makes a huge hairy deal if I'm carrying a nice purse or something.

My heart is breaking. He is SO miserable. And he doesn't even want a divorce. He just wants her to be normal. But at the same time, he won't get help. He won't push HER to get help. I don't remember the last time she went to therapy that wasn't court-ordered, and if she DID find a therapist who saw through her bull, she'd probably immediately quit.

To add insult to injury, I'm in the process of changing my last name (which is my ex-husband's) to Mom's maiden name. My dad is actually my stepdad and I don't care for his super-generic last name; I also detested my maiden name and my biological father. I'm so upset with her right now I don't even want to go through with it.

[Notwendy]

On a rare occasion, my father would confide in me about my mother. What that basically is, is triangulation but I think there were times he just couldn't help it- needed someone to talk to. However, he didn't do anything about it, and then would do an about face, and be angry at me if I said anything negative about her.

It was not until I understood the dynamics of a relationship with someone with BPD ( the push-pull, co-dependency) and the drama triangle that I realized the pattern and how I was participating in it. Basically, I wanted to step in as a rescuer- help my father with the situation he presented to me. I understood why he stayed married while we children were young- I am glad he did. He was our parent, and the more stable adult and this was important to us. Yet we kids grew up and became independent and he still chose to remain married to her. Even more so- he remained devoted to her as her caretaker. He did the driving, the grocery shopping, fixed his own meals, laundry.

When he got ill, we kids really worried as he could not do these things anymore and she didn't. Fortunately they were able to have some household help but it wasn't enough. I got to the point where I contacted social services about his situation, but he refused to admit there was anything wrong with his situation, that "mother" was perfectly fine. His health care team and my mother's FOO assumed he was being taken care of by his dear wife. What I observed was a very ill man being left under the care of a mentally ill woman. My mother didn't take care of her own children- how could she take care of him?

I too wanted to "help" my father with her, but I think the truth is- even if he did vent to me sometimes- is he didn't want it. In my case, when I naively stepped in to help him, it placed me on the drama triangle. I had stepped in as rescuer, my mother took victim perspective, and painted me black to my father. My father became angry at me. I could have no private time with him- if I called- she listened in. If I e mailed him- she read the e mails. Visits were difficult as they both seemed angry with me.

My intentions to help were good ones, but if I knew then about the drama triangle  and the relationship dynamics, I would have understood that my father was not a victim who needed my help but someone who chose this relationship and chose to remain in it. I had perceived him as the "normal" one and my mother as the problem. When I started working on my own co-dependency, I understood his part in this better and saw him and my mother in this partnership between them as equal. It isn't that I would not have wanted to help him- but I understood that this is not something I have the power to do.