Hi Jester20
Welcome back to bpdfamily. I read your previous posts so I have a little bit of history.
I just want to make sure I have the correct picture. Im getting that you moved between countries 2 years ago and around the same time found out your husband has BPD. He has been in treatment since and everything going well except hes been unemployed and thats adding stress to your relationship. Did I get this right?
Since you found out about your husbands BPD have you received any counseling of your own? Living with a pwBPD can be really stressful. I can only speak for myself but honestly sometimes I respond to my pwBPD in ways that make things worse. That happens a lot when I have not been taking good enough care of myself and I feel spent and tired of all the problems that come with BPD. I learned a lot from this site about how to diffuse situations and how to be empathic to my pwBPD while remaining compassionate to myself. If you stick around there is a lot to learn from this community here, so many people are in similar situations as you and me and we learn from each other here. There are really great articles (we call them the Tools) on a menu to the right of the board
Its a great place to start.
So we argued and I asked him to leave... .it put him on a real downer like I hadn't seen for over a year.
Your words likely hit a trigger for him. It feels very unfair considering all the ugly and hurtful things we sometimes get to hear that our own words can have such a huge impact. BPD is a disorder of the emotions. At the root of it is a deep fear of abandonment and rejection.
Saying this I do understand that I shouldn't use the 'leave' thing as a reaction to his words.
Any thoughts
Yes. You already know this but try to find a way to get your message across without using that word
Learn to set boundaries and how to diffuse or drop a topic when you feel that things are getting out of hand.
Seems he wants it all his way by being able to say what he wants without repercussions.
Pretty much yes. The thing that Ive learned the hard way is that there is no reasoning here, its pointless to think about whats rational or fair. But this is during dysregulation. In a more stable condition I have seen deep empathy and been able to have sometimes very constructive communication. The goal is to have more of those.
He just asked if we could talk and he has suggested a seperation whereby he moves out and continues to works on his issues and find full time employment... .then we try again at a later date.
I know people do have trial seperations but I do not see in this instance how it could work as we are at the point where he could be working full time but has not even looked for a job and now he wants to up and leave. I feel if he leaves there will be no second time rounds.
Why do you feel there will be no second time rounds? Do you think he wont return or do you feel like you wouldnt want to go on?
He said he will discuss it with therapy on Thursday and we can talk Thursday after I have finished work.
Keep us posted on this. Im glad you reached out.
