3 Weeks of Silence, Voicemail today threatening Police action

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Hey all,

Haven’t posted on here in 3 weeks, as thankfully I haven’t heard anything from my exBPDgf, until today. I have 2 other posts going on the events over the last few months. She left me around Mothers Day for some guy she apparently just met, no real breakup, no closure, most are familiar how it goes, and this being a 6 year on again off again relationship. I digress.

So in July, after almost 2 months of complete no contact, she starting showing up at the gym, knowing full well that I go around 10-11am most days, as I’m off work right now with a shoulder injury. She then called me July 18 at night, and after I didn’t answer, sent me a flurry of text messages, apologizing, but still blaming me, that her boyfriend knows she’s reaching out, that she loves me and always will, trying to see if I’m seeing anyone etc etc etc. Total Ho over attempt. I wished her the best, unemotionally, and left it at that. She then started showing up at the gym more frequently, 5 times total in July while I was there, and 2 other times at the time I normally would be there, but wasn’t (I’m friends with multiple employees at the gym, they all know the situation). 3 weeks ago, she showed up back to back days while I was there (a first), and then I bumped into her at the market after, and confronted her as to why she is doing this. In typical BPD fashion, she flipped it on me being the stalker, called her boyfriend to come “take care of me”, and tried to block me form leaving, grabbing my arm, standing infront of me, following me etc.
She then went back to the gym and had a total freakout (my buddy witnessed it, and luckily was there to defend me as her boyfriend was calling me a stalker), then left me a voicemail stating she was getting a restraining order. That was August 1st, have not seen or heard anything since. I switched gyms in the meantime, but my buddies tell me they have not seen her since.

Today she leaves me a voicemail (have her number blocked on iPhone, but still goes to voicemail). She states she has a letter from the Police, or maybe she’s written a letter for the police? Not sure, but either way, its 2017, police don’t do written letters... .Also stating they have asked if she wants criminal charges laid, and she’s unsure what to do, doesn’t know why she’s even telling me this, and she’ll figure it out, but she fears for her safety as she has no idea what goes on in my head anymore, and that I will hurt her?... .  Being as I am a Paramedic, I have multiple police officer friends, who know the story, and have told me she’s lying, and this is clearly trying to get a reaction from me. I have all of her messages saved, and checkins showing i go to the gym at the same time every day, for the last 4 months, so even if she does try to get the police involved, I’m not to worried. She also has a domestic against her from 3 Christmas’s ago when she was on drugs and attacked me for trying to contact her family.

Just when you think it’s over, it isn’t. I have not responded in anyway, and don’t plan to. I wonder how much further she can escalate this? Or will she change tactics, and all of a sudden “need” me? One things for sure, now that I have awareness about this disorder, the surprises are being more and more predictable.

[Fishmedic]

Hey all,

Haven’t posted on here in 3 weeks, as thankfully I haven’t heard anything from my exBPDgf, until today. I have 2 other posts going on the events over the last few months. She left me around Mothers Day for some guy she apparently just met, no real breakup, no closure, most are familiar how it goes, and this being a 6 year on again off again relationship. I digress.

So in July, after almost 2 months of complete no contact, she starting showing up at the gym, knowing full well that I go around 10-11am most days, as I’m off work right now with a shoulder injury. She then called me July 18 at night, and after I didn’t answer, sent me a flurry of text messages, apologizing, but still blaming me, that her boyfriend knows she’s reaching out, that she loves me and always will, trying to see if I’m seeing anyone etc etc etc. Total Ho over attempt. I wished her the best, unemotionally, and left it at that. She then started showing up at the gym more frequently, 5 times total in July while I was there, and 2 other times at the time I normally would be there, but wasn’t (I’m friends with multiple employees at the gym, they all know the situation). 3 weeks ago, she showed up back to back days while I was there (a first), and then I bumped into her at the market after, and confronted her as to why she is doing this. In typical BPD fashion, she flipped it on me being the stalker, called her boyfriend to come “take care of me”, and tried to block me form leaving, grabbing my arm, standing infront of me, following me etc.
She then went back to the gym and had a total freakout (my buddy witnessed it, and luckily was there to defend me as her boyfriend was calling me a stalker), then left me a voicemail stating she was getting a restraining order. That was August 1st, have not seen or heard anything since. I switched gyms in the meantime, but my buddies tell me they have not seen her since.

Today she leaves me a voicemail (have her number blocked on iPhone, but still goes to voicemail). She states she has a letter from the Police, or maybe she’s written a letter for the police? Not sure, but either way, its 2017, police don’t do written letters... .Also stating they have asked if she wants criminal charges laid, and she’s unsure what to do, doesn’t know why she’s even telling me this, and she’ll figure it out, but she fears for her safety as she has no idea what goes on in my head anymore, and that I will hurt her?... .  Being as I am a Paramedic, I have multiple police officer friends, who know the story, and have told me she’s lying, and this is clearly trying to get a reaction from me. I have all of her messages saved, and checkins showing i go to the gym at the same time every day, for the last 4 months, so even if she does try to get the police involved, I’m not to worried. She also has a domestic against her from 3 Christmas’s ago when she was on drugs and attacked me for trying to contact her family.

Just when you think it’s over, it isn’t. I have not responded in anyway, and don’t plan to. I wonder how much further she can escalate this? Or will she change tactics, and all of a sudden “need” me? One things for sure, now that I have awareness about this disorder, the surprises are being more and more predictable.

[Idsrvt2]

Hello again,
Glad you have those gym logs and friends that are cops... still she could get a false order out on you.
My take is she is baiting you... .she wants you to call so she can say your stalking her.

Continue to take care of yourself and your shoulder and document it all . 

As you know my x threatened a RO and it became reality... .

He feared me too... .yet in the RO didn't say that in court almost begged for it to be dropped
They love to get cops and courts involved

[Fishmedic]

Hey Idsrvt2, 
 
Thanks for checking in. I'm curious, did you and your ex live together at any point? I've done a little research on obtaining RO's where i live (canada), and it says that RO's can only be issued if you fear a former partner, whom you LiVED with or were married too, and this does not apply to someone you only dated? Seems strange to me, but thats right off the government link. My exgf also got charged 3yrs ago with assault. She ultimately signed a peace bond, did therapy, and the charge was dropped, but i'd imagine thats still on her record. My friends wife, who is a Police Officer told me that she would likely get charged again if she attempted to get the police involved. She also told me yesterday when i asked her if i should be worried about my exes voicemail threat, that "No, she's definitely lying. We don't deal with written letters... .". 
I listened to the voicemail a few times last night, it does sound pretty believable, she sounds distraught and confused, but definitely didn't make sense. She says "the police want to know if i want you charged for what you did, and i don't know what to do, oh well, i shouldnt have contacted you". First of all, Police lay charges based on evidence of criminal activity. They don't ask you if thats what you want. So clearly she's making this whole story up. She also threw this jab in "I want to be the bigger person, UNLIKE YOU, who had me thrown behind bars". This is from 3 yrs ago, when her family went on a cruise at Christmas without her, so me being the white knight sucker,  tried to call her dad, as she was doing drugs and threarening suicide. She attacked me, craziest thing i've witnessed, and a neighbour convinced me to call 911, where i stated i wanted her taken to hospital because of the suicde threats, but i also said she hit me, and that was that. I was told after they are obligated to lay a charge. Very strict domestic violence policy. She unfortunately can't see things from my perspective, and now appears to want revenge, even if she's the one stalking?

[Idsrvt2]

Hello again, I'm in the states and it varies here by state and often by county... .for my county you have to either be family or someone in an intimate relationship... and there has to be physical violence ... .my x and I never had physical violence , but here theybgrant temp orders like giving out candy... .it's sickening ... .so then you goto court and your baffled your attorney says you have no case at all... .it's like then why grant the orders to begin with the kicker is your given like three days to find an atty and appear at court ... .so emotions are high and I know I wasn't thinking with a clear head ... .I was fuming mad especially when he asked for it to be dropped ... .I guess he has never done one before . 

My x got one because I texted non stop according to him and harassed his mom ( sent her a nice Facebook msg telling her he was suicidal and how he is declining rapidly). And wanted him to loose his job... .I didn't want that at all I wanted him off my route because he was using postal time to knock at my door and hurt and break up with me or Tex Ct me as he walked the route ... .yet he told me to not text, call or follow him.  I never followed the guy.   He also in the same msg said he still felt for me and didn't want to hurt me but I wouldn't let him go when he tried to break up twice... .ummm well he took me back
Your x may have went to the police, you could call your local court house and ask what the requirements are for a RO that way you know if she can get one or not. 
If she signed that peace bond she's stupid for getting cops involved then again right on the RO here it states all fire arms must be given up
So when I saw that I knew I had to file a counter one on my x so that way if he was really suicidal all guns were removed and they did take them all

They are very disordered in their thinking ... someone posted to me on here I think it was that at the moment they really do fear us , so I also wonder with your x if she s doing this trying to see if you are pressing charges on here... .a sort of projection possibly?

The common theme often is they come back or have tabs on us... .heck mine still delivers mail and sees me almost daily

[Fishmedic]

So, like clockwork, i just recieved ANOTHER voicemail from my exBPDgf tonight. She disappeared around Morhers Day, jumped right into a new "relationship". Since July 4th, she's made contact about 6 times, not including multiple times she's shown up at the gym while i'm there. I assume her BF works Tuesdays, no idea, but it's honestly so predictable. Tonight was a 4 minute voicemail, first stating she decided not to file charges against me, as she wants to be the "better" person. Last Tuesday she left a voicemail stating she had paperwork from the police, and didnt  know what to do. All bullshiit, as i spoke to my friend who is a cop, and she told me they do not conduct business in that way. She went on, apologizing and taking responsibility for everything, wishing me the best, hopes i'm the happiest and healthiest i've ever been, that she wont contact me again etc etc etc. She was crying near the end, telling me to always choose love over fear in this lifetime.  It appeared last week her and the replacement had split, but my mom, godbless her, has informed me they appear to be back together based on her facebook. Clearly trouble in paradise. Anyways, i see through it, she's doing her best to keep me waiting in the wings. Again, i will not acknowedge, havent responded to a call or message since middle of July. I feel badly for her, she sounds so lost and confused, and if she didn't suffer from BPD or some form of PD, i'd love to talk with her and be amicable, but i know that just isn't possible, and a response only keeps the door open in her mind. Just venting, every Tuesday, like clockwork.  

[Mutt]

Hi Fishmedic,



I agree with Idsrvt2, she wants attention and I agree with you too that she wants you at arms length if the other r/s is not fairing very well. That being said, you have this recorded? Do you think it may be wise to record it? I used voicemail to text with my provider on Canada and it would do a transcription of the voicemail and attach an audio file by email. I just save the emails in a folder, I don't do that now but I keep track ofeverything by corresponding by email only

Good for you for you for not wanting a part of it as tough as it can be

[Fishmedic]

Hey Mutt, 

Good advice. I'm doing my best to keep track of all interactions. I've screen shotted all the text messages she has sent since middle of July, but now that i have her blocked, she leaves voicemails, only on Tuesdays... .. 
 
So you have to contact your cell provider, and they can convert voicemail to text for me so i have a hard copy? That's a good idea. I lost the message from last week, but i have the one from last night saved on my phone, but they self delete after 3 days.

[Mutt]

What I also liked  about that feature was that it leaves out the tone of her voice, same goes with email, you can't type tone  It's less triggering.

[Fishmedic]

Yes, Good call. I get what you’re saying now. So any voicemail she leaves, with come through as an e-mail to my phone in text format, with the option of an audio file if I so choose to listen to it. Great idea. You’re right, listening to her voice is still somewhat triggering. Not like it was initially, but still. I noticed last night she seemed more coherent, and clear, and wanted to know how sorry to truly was for everything, and that she takes responsibility as we’ve been through so much, which she said multiple times. She was in tears near the end, which is hard, because you do want to console, or let her know that it’s ok. I forgive her, I’m not angry, I hold no grudge, but it’s sad to hear how dysregulated her decision making process is. Thats why she “went with the other guy”, were her words. Well, lets be honest, if you take responsibility for everything, you focus on fixing yourself, not latching on to someone else. I feel as though she’s trying to make amends, so she feels like we are platonic in case she needs to reach out again, which I’m sure she will again soon. Like, maybe next Tuesday? .
So is this an expensive feature to add on? Will it do this for all voicemails I receive, or just her number that I specify?

[Mutt]

I just want to make clear that this is on cellular, I had a landline at the time and a cell, I later got rid of the landline because I didn't want to check two voicemails, people that know me know to reach my on my cell and you have more control with features on a cell phone than you do with a landline, you have apps, you can take screenshots, I could attach and forward an audio file of a voicemail to my lawyer etc.

It didn't break the bank, I think it was maybe 10 dollars a month extra, it was worth it at the time, here's info from what we call the Big Three in Canada, Bell, Rogers and Telus.

Voicemail to Text converts your voice messages into text messages and delivers them to your mobile phone. You can quickly read your messages when you're busy or unable to dial in. Your mobile phone or smartphone must be able to receive text messages in order to use Voicemail to Text.

www.support.bell.ca/Mobility/Rate_plans_features/What_is_Voice_mail_to_Text_and_how_to_use_it?step=2

https://www.telus.com/en/ab/support/article/voicemail-to-text

www.rogers.com/web/Rogers.portal?_nfpb=true&_pageLabel=NEW_GCT&_nfls=true&setLanguage=en&content10=wf_voicemailtotext&sub_template=wf_voicemailtotext&template=wireless-fun

[Fishmedic]

Awesome. I appreciate it. Ya I don’t have a landline, just my cell. I’m with Rogers, so I will call them today and set it up. Thanks again.

[Mutt]

It's my pleasure 

[Fishmedic]

Well, that was a strange coincidence. I just had my weekly therapy session, which is down town. I left, as I was driving home, I just happen to glance over, and there she is, my ExBPDgf, standing at a red light waiting to cross, headphones in. We made quick eye contact, luckily the light was green for me, and I just kept driving. She looked rough. I have not seen her in person, other than a few times at the gym, and the day we had our confrontation at the market downtown a month ago, but you can just tell when she’s dysregulated. Eyes looked sunken in, hair was still wet and messy from the shower (she’s big on appearance), had a weird brown jacket with jeans on, hands in her pockets, head down. That split second glance appeared menacing. But her condition seems to make sense with the fact she keeps leaving me voicemails, every Tuesday. Just an observation. Definitely felt my heart rate pick up. I’m now worried I’ll hear from her again in some form today. But who knows.

[blueblue12]

Hey Fishmedic,

Coincidence?

I had a couple of those as well, but my T says there are no coincidences in this BPD scenario, he says "it's all planned"

Take care.

[Mutt]

Hi Raul,

my T says there are no coincidences in this BPD scenario, he says "it's all planned"

Not to knock your T, but I don't believe that everything is planned because a criterion of BPD is lack of impulse control, a pwBPD act first and don't realize the repercussions of their actions.

(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, Substance Abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

www.behavenet.com/node/21651

Hi Fishmedic,

It's a good idea to not pathologize everything, I wouldn't look too much into it, I'm sure that it pulled at the heart strings though.

[Fishmedic]

Thanks guys. I'm not a "believer" in coincidences either Raul, but today there was nothing planned on her end. She was simply out walking (she doesn't drive, at 27), so she was out, likely going to the market we both frequent. My T appt was on the other end of downtown. It was awkward to say the least. Especially now that she has left 3 unanswered voicemails over the last 3 weeks, most recently 2 days ago. But i think thats my own vulnerability/codependence flaring up. Who cares, i have to do whats best for me. She didn't give me a second thought, after 6 years i might add, when she started a new relationship in May, a week after i saw her last. 
I'm doing my best to be grateful for this 2nd lease on life she has granted me, but as my T and I discussed today, her voicemails have done a complete 180 from 4 weeks ago, where she told me to go f*** myself and hopes i die, and she's getting a restraining order, to crying and apologizing for everything and wishing me the best this week. My T suspects the big one, the full on recycle attempt is coming very soon, as this has all been testing the water, and her rebound relationship appears to be having issues now after 3.5months. So just trying to prepare myself, as i can feel it coming too.

[blueblue12]

Re: coincidence

Her showing up at your gym when you are there and at the market, in my experience are not coincidences, as my T says 'they' are easily able to plan these things... .I had similar experiences which took place when I had no idea about BPD and I actually thought at the time wow a coincidence, my T reassure me that we are dealing with people that can plan these coincidences well.

[Fishmedic]

Absolutely. Showing up at the gym, knowing full well when i go, 6 times in a 4-5 week period, definitely no accident. Hence the reaction i recieved when i confronted her about it and told her to stop. They cannot own up to anything, therefore i was labled the stalker, and had her threatening a restraining order and having her Boyfriend to come "take care of me".  
On that note, not believing in coincidences, i literally just recieved a phone call from an "unknown" number. I messaged my dad, as sometimes he does that as he uses his cellphone for work purposes, but he said he did not call me. No voicemail. The only time i've ever seen an unknown come up recently, is when my buddies wife, who is a Police Officer called me. My gut is telling me this is my ex calling from another number... .

[Fishmedic]

Man. The " coincidences" are coming in droves this week. Yesterday i drive by my ex, today, i just happen to pull up next to my replacement at a red light. The only time i've seen him was back in May, the day i found out i was replaced, as i was rollerblading through the park, and saw my ex walking with another guy and his dog. I've been told by a few people he looks "sketchy" and "dirty", but hadn't really wanted to know, so i avoided looking him up on Facebook. I also don't want to compare myseld to him, or call him a downgrade, but i'd be lying if i didn't feel validated. He looked as though he weighed all of 90lbs soaking wet, forearm tattoos, just really sketchy looking little fellow. And if i remember correctly, the day i saw them at the park, even though i was kind of in "shock", i noticed my EX, who is tall at 5'10, appeared taller than him. I know this all sounds superficial, but she used to make fun of me for only being 5'11 and slightly taller than her. Well, this dude is definitely shorter than her, and even though she has an eating disorder, i'd say they're roughly about the same weight.

[Fishmedic]

It appears the more I ignore, enforce NC/Boundaries, the more she pushes. I went out Saturday night, first time in recent memory, as I’m not a drinker/partier. Had a great time, a few buddies who moved away last summer were back in town. We had a great night, but like clockwork, at 1:24am, my phone started ringing. It was my ex. Being that bars are loud, and I had been drinking, I didn’t even notice. But she called 3x, all unanswered. I had unblocked her number the other day, because I plan to answer next time she calls and find out why she’s continuing to do so. She also called me from an unknown/blocked number twice on Friday morning, and left me a long winded apologetic voicemail on Tuesday, which has been her regular day for contacting me all summer. I don’t know if she was out and saw me, or if she normally calls in the middle of the night just to see if I’m up. I’m anal about my sleep, so my phone goes on airplane mode when I go to bed, so being up at 1:30am is a rarity. Not sure what prompted it, kind of creepy though.
I also played hockey last night, and a buddy of mine who has known my ex even longer than I have, said he bumped into her a few days ago at a burger place downtown. He said she was with some scrawny little druggy, and assumed it was her little brother, as she did not introduce him, and they did not act like a couple or even really speak to one another. Based on his description, I said that sounds like the new BF. Again, like a few others, my buddy was in disbelief. All he could say was “Really? No... .”. He said my ex appeared very over the top, hugged him, was super loud, telling him how she’s all into diet and nutrition now, and so happy and healthy, again very bizarre behaviour. All the while she was at burger and fry place... .. He commented to me about how skinny she was, as my ex has always been skinny, he said she was skin and bones. Looked absolutely terrible and he hardly recognized her.
So by the sounds of it, she’s still with the replacement, all though it did appear they broke up 2 weeks ago temporarily. I’m assuming she’s trying to secure me as her back up, so she can jump ship. Obviously I’m not going back into this chaos, but it just appears the more I enforce my boundaries, and don’t reply or answer, she reaches out more. After 3 weeks of hearing nothing, she’s now called me 6 times in the last 2 weeks, 5 of which were between last Tuesday and Saturday night. Ive also blocked 2 fake Facebook accounts that have popped up on my “suggested friends list”. The one was right at the top of my list, so someone who has been viewing my profile. The first name was her sister, the last name was her best friend. Maybe I’m paranoid, but I don’t believe in coincidences, and my gut tells me it’s my ex.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Fishmedic,

Word to the wise.  If she is persisting when you don't reply, can you imagine how much stronger she would come on if you did?  In my own experience and that of many here, responding is opening a door that cannot easily be closed.  It sends a message that you will go no contact for x amount of time and then relent and answer.  So you would be back at word go with the level of communication incoming and have to go this distance again then not respond before you make progress and get through to her to stop trying potentially.  If you've no intention of rekindling anything or opening up lines of communication with her then ensure she is also clear on that by remaining unresponsive. 

My advice is hold strong.  Do not let curiosity or annoyance cause you to break from the course you are on and answer a call.  My suggestion is to re block and chalk it up as a momentary blip, then move forward.  She will get the message eventually.  If her behaviour becomes extreme, threatening or overtly stalky and unnerving, take measures.   

Love and light x

[Fishmedic]

Harley Quinn,

I agree. Logically I know I should not answer, emotionally I feel almost obligated to. But I won’t, I’ve since reblocked her, and have not had any new voicemails pop up. However, I did just happen to walk past her on the street today. She was on the other side of the road, hands full of shopping bags. She clearly noticed me, as she increased her walking speed and would not look across the road at me. Always so bizarre to observe her from a distance. Doesn’t appear like someone who has been calling me and leaving me voicemails over the last 3 weeks. But I feel like there may be something coming now that she has seen me again. It just feels like a never-ending “game” that I don’t want any part of.