BPD Males and Assertive Non-BPD Females

[WatercolorPencil]

Hello-
I'm curious about the thoughts of others concerning this topic. I have noticed that some males with BPD are attracted to assertive, non-BPD, non-co-dep females and I'm wondering why that might be? I have met several over time whom exhibit this tendency and its interesting. I have some hypotheses but, like I mentioned, I want to hear what others think.

[hope2727]

Interesting question. I had a psychologist team me that mine mirrored people he admired so that he could feel better about himself. Unfortunately when the truth of who he was came to light he couldn't sustain the image any longer. Its sad really. He and I were a great team when he wasn't being well him. I'd be really interested to hear what other people had to say.

[Skip]

This might get you started. Clink the link for a discussion on this author's work.

The Narcissistic / Borderline Couple Author: Joan Lachkar, PhD Publisher: Brunner/Mazel; 1 edition (February 1, 1992) Paperback: 242 pages ISBN-10: 0876306342 ISBN-13: 978-0876306345

[Tattered Heart]

THis is a topic that I think about often. I am an assertive female and my H is BPD. From what I've read about the subject, it's actually pretty common for a male with BPD to be drawn to a strong female. He finds comfort in her ability to make decisions, handle situations, etc. and it makes him feel good about himself that someone with power would be interested in him. He can live vicariously through her.

But when he begins to feel bad about himself, the assertive, confident nature of the woman can cause him to feel weak, ineffective, controlled, etc. He begins to need to control her and the verbal assaults begin.

When I look at the dynamic of the book that Skip just posted, it scares me. It's hard to wonder if perhaps I am narcissistic, or at least on the high end of the spectrum. I worry a lot about being a covert narcissist. I don't think I am. I think 3 years ago, the NPD/BPD dynamic was definitely in effect with him. Since then I have detached myself from requiring his adorement during the Idolise phase and really looked at myself as whether I am a victim or not.

[Skip]

It's hard to wonder if perhaps I am narcissistic, or at least on the high end of the spectrum. I worry a lot about being a covert narcissist.

Not to hijack, but so what if you have narcissistic insecurities? Seeing this is not a death sentence, its a window into our own psyche. The Internet stigmatizes mental illness and it becomes a black label. But that is not what it should be at all. We don't need to buy into that, anymore than we should believe the happy world according to Facebook. 

If you have narcissistic insecurities and embrace them, you can then start working with them. It's not unlike an introvert working against their natural tendencies and becoming a dynamic public speaker.

People with BPD aren't attracted to the narcissistic insecurities, they are attracted to the strength and drive - good things about narcissistic tendencies. This is just the same way that people are attracted to BPD tendencies for their deep emotional expression (not the attachment struggles and impulsiveness).

"Gnothi seauton".  Know thyself.

[WatercolorPencil]

Thanks for contributing your thoughts! I'm going to look into the book! It sounds interesting. I don't think that assertiveness in females is always an indicator of narcissism but I agree that knowing yourself and recognizing if there are tendencies or insecurities provides areas for growth. Still, assertiveness can also indicate strong boundaries and the diligence to protect said boundaries, which is something I think might be attractive to a Male with BPD. Maybe the assertions and boundaries amp up a game like atmosphere or make it more challenging? Just some thoughts of my own. Someone mentioned the possibility of mirroring admirable qualities. A male with BPD once stated to me that was something he did because he wanted to achieve those qualities but has heretofore been unable to do so, which starts his cycle over again.

[Skip]

Still, assertiveness can also indicate strong boundaries and the diligence to protect said boundaries, which is something I think might be attractive to a Male with BPD... .A male with BPD once stated to me that was something he did because he wanted to achieve those qualities but has heretofore been unable to do so, which starts his cycle over again.

Sure. Aligning with someone who has strengths where you are week is attractive. pwBPD also do better much better with structure. 

If you don't mind, what is the context? This sounds personal.