What the hell?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello!  I havent posted much here, but I've been reading about so many of these BPD relationship posts.  I have been no contact with my exBPD for almost 2 months.  I am feeling mostly out of the fog but still have very hard days I just want to break down and call her but i am stubborn, so i dont.  Also, what I have read here tells me that reaching out does no good.  I am really confused about all of this.  Our RS was very short, 3 months and its been over for 3 months.  She overlapped or had a way out, whatever, she is with someone else.  It drives me absolutely crazy!  What i am mostly confused about is that what most have experienced with there ex's is that they are "showing off" these replacements on social media.  That is not the case for me.  She is doing her best to hide this from me, i am guessing.  Has anyone else experienced this?  She never showed me any of her "icky" sides, she was overly sweet and gentle with me when she broke my heart and told me all the things that were wrong with me.  She told me not to get stuck and that she wont change her mind.  Might I actually be in that very small % that doesnt experience the recycle?  I just cant make sense of any of this, my heart doesnt hurt as much but i still long for her and long to try and be the "one" for her.  argh!

[PaticAttack]

Hello!  I havent posted much here, but I've been reading about so many of these BPD relationship posts.  I have been no contact with my exBPD for almost 2 months.  I am feeling mostly out of the fog but still have very hard days I just want to break down and call her but i am stubborn, so i dont.  Also, what I have read here tells me that reaching out does no good.  I am really confused about all of this.  Our RS was very short, 3 months and its been over for 3 months.  She overlapped or had a way out, whatever, she is with someone else.  It drives me absolutely crazy!  What i am mostly confused about is that what most have experienced with there ex's is that they are "showing off" these replacements on social media.  That is not the case for me.  She is doing her best to hide this from me, i am guessing.  Has anyone else experienced this?  She never showed me any of her "icky" sides, she was overly sweet and gentle with me when she broke my heart and told me all the things that were wrong with me.  She told me not to get stuck and that she wont change her mind.  Might I actually be in that very small % that doesnt experience the recycle?  I just cant make sense of any of this, my heart doesnt hurt as much but i still long for her and long to try and be the "one" for her.  argh!

[Readyforsomechan]

... .Might I actually be in that very small % that doesnt experience the recycle?  I just cant make sense of any of this, my heart doesnt hurt as much but i still long for her and long to try and be the "one" for her.  argh!

I have no idea how to answer your question, as I am new here; but was with a BPD partner for 8-years... . 

Yet, if you are in the right place (and who the hell would come here if they did not have someone with BPD in their life?) then you are assuredly doing the right thing by not contacting her--and she's in a relationship anyway, so why would you?  Seriously.

I am a bit envious of your tenacity making it two months! Congratulations.  Lucky for you that she found someone else to "enmesh" with.

That seems to be the only way I am getting out of my relationship with my "ex", and that is because she is hanging out with a new group of "friends".

[JaxDK]

Hello!  I havent posted much here, but I've been reading about so many of these BPD relationship posts.  I have been no contact with my exBPD for almost 2 months.  I am feeling mostly out of the fog but still have very hard days I just want to break down and call her but i am stubborn, so i dont.  Also, what I have read here tells me that reaching out does no good.  I am really confused about all of this.  Our RS was very short, 3 months and its been over for 3 months.  She overlapped or had a way out, whatever, she is with someone else.  It drives me absolutely crazy!  What i am mostly confused about is that what most have experienced with there ex's is that they are "showing off" these replacements on social media.  That is not the case for me.  She is doing her best to hide this from me, i am guessing.  Has anyone else experienced this?  She never showed me any of her "icky" sides, she was overly sweet and gentle with me when she broke my heart and told me all the things that were wrong with me.  She told me not to get stuck and that she wont change her mind.  Might I actually be in that very small % that doesnt experience the recycle?  I just cant make sense of any of this, my heart doesnt hurt as much but i still long for her and long to try and be the "one" for her.  argh!

Every BPD is different even though they follow a pattern. My ex did show her replacement off on Facebook but that had to do with giving the appearance of 'normalcy' because she's anything but. Whatever they do on Facebook has little to do with us. It has to do with the image they need to show to the outside world.

It sounds like you got what most don't. For a lot of nons they just up and leave without an explanation. In any case be glad you are out. You have no idea what would have been in store for you had you gone the distance with her. You have made the right choice Staying NC. No amount of bargaining, pleading or begging would help. They will only resent you for it.

Stay strong, you will heal from this. You are already on the path already. It's funny how we crave to be the 'one' or the 'rescuer' to them. We never stop to consider what they should be to us.

[enlighten me]

My ex doesn't flaunt her relationships on FB.

We split over 3 years ago and shes had 4 or 5 longish relationships. Theres very little sign in the beginning (2-3 months) that shes in a new relationship. Hardly posts pictures herself but her friends do occasionally post pictures of them together. It changes when her relationship status changes as if the cats been let out of the bag so it no longer matters. She also never refers to her boyfriends when I pick up my son even if she knows I know shes in a relationship. She even tries to hide it by saying things like I'm going to dinner with a friend and then she pops in shes expecting me at 6. If it was a female friend she always uses their name so it becomes obvious.

Ive pondered this behaviour a lot and I think it boils down to a few possibilities.

1 she wants to appear available just in case someone else catches her eye.
2 she doesn't want to upset me or still wants me to want her.
3 she is so used to lying and sneaking around that she cant help herself even when she doesn't need to.
4 a combination of the above.

[JaxDK]

My ex doesn't flaunt her relationships on FB.

We split over 3 years ago and shes had 4 or 5 longish relationships. Theres very little sign in the beginning (2-3 months) that shes in a new relationship. Hardly posts pictures herself but her friends do occasionally post pictures of them together. It changes when her relationship status changes as if the cats been let out of the bag so it no longer matters. She also never refers to her boyfriends when I pick up my son even if she knows I know shes in a relationship. She even tries to hide it by saying things like I'm going to dinner with a friend and then she pops in shes expecting me at 6. If it was a female friend she always uses their name so it becomes obvious.

Ive pondered this behaviour a lot and I think it boils down to a few possibilities.

1 she wants to appear available just in case someone else catches her eye.
2 she doesn't want to upset me or still wants me to want her.
3 she is so used to lying and sneaking around that she cant help herself even when she doesn't need to.
4 a combination of the above.

A clue could be in the disorder itself. Shame, low self esteem, fear of abandonment, of rejection, of being alone, loss of control, loss of status etc. She could also see you as a possible backup resource should she ever need it. You just never know

[PaticAttack]

Thank you all for your reply's!  They are helpful!  I just never saw the "signs" of BPD and I fell head over heals in love with her.  It was like this dark syrup was poured through my body and soul when she broke it off.  I got the whole "cant you be friends with an ex" comment.  Its been very difficult to figure all this out.  I even sought out therapy because of it.  I know that with me, she waited a bit to post pix of us, but the rebound pix just arent showing up and its driving me crazy.  She blocked me from FB so I actually cant see what she is putting out there.  She also blocked me from instagram but then unblocked me, I am assuming to keep at least 1 door open.  I just want to see it so it can help me to fully move on.  I know its happening but for some reason I need that damn proof.  Argh!  It almost feels like she knows thats what I want.  Im just struggling with fully letting go!

[WeelX]

Not sure if you've seen my post, but I was also in a very short RS with a BPD girl, around 3 or 3.5 months. Was very overly sweet and cute, just like yours.

It's devastating. Absolutely heart wrenching, I know, and time has barely made an impact on me thus far, but however small the difference is, its still a difference. It gets easier each day.

Mine however blamed solely herself. I can't imagine how hard it must be to hear 'everything wrong' with you from the person you loved. Stay strong man, let yourself heal. If you *want* a recycle to happen (im guilty of this), just bide your time. Don't cave. Chances are if her BPD is atypical, she'll reach out to you eventually. Don't give her the satisfaction of giving her control.

[SummerStorm]

You have to remember that they say what they feel at that moment and that moment only.  If they feel differently five minutes later, what they say at that point might be completely different.  My friend stole money from an ex a month after they broke up.  He called the cops on her.  She blocked him and told everyone he was abusive.  Four months later, after three more failed relationships, she sent him a friend request on Facebook.  A guy broke up with her after a month of dating in January 2015, and earlier this year, she finally unblocked him. 

Generally speaking, most pwBPD like to maintain some sort of connection.  And the more important you are to them, the harder it is for them to let go.  Other than her parents, I am the only person in her life who was there for her last really bad low point, which included a suicide attempt.  It doesn't stop me from being painted black and being blocked (I am right now and have been for six weeks), and it's possible that I really won't hear from her again, but I imagine I will eventually. 

They usually like to leave a door open or make it possible for a closed door to be reopened.  For example, if they block us first, there's no way for us to block them until we are unblocked.  We either have to delete our account completely or wait to see what happens.  They like testing the waters.  The longest time I was blocked was nearly three months.  She found my Facebook page (I had made it not long before that) through a mutual friend, read the posts until she saw something that was about her, and texted me. 

But if you do eventually hear from her again, don't expect an apology or an insightful discussion of your relationship and breakup.  She will likely act like nothing happened.  They don't ever resolve conflicts.   They just retreat and wait until they think the other person isn't angry anymore.  Then, they just pop back into the person's life without warning.

[Lost-love-mind]

Wheelx is right. Great advice. His story and yours are identical to mine.
The syrup analogy is perfect. We are in the right place. No one understands the pain we feel as a nonPD from the wrath of our exBPD.
I was cutoff from an old GF (suspected NPD) didn't want to hear me talk about it, but wanted me to pay for dinner. Another colleague claiming my behavior post breakup is tantamount to stalking (i sent an apology email to my exBPD) and deserve a PPO threatened by her. Of course he is in law enforcement and battled an ex wife in divorce.
I'm glad we have each other.

[Idsrvt2]

Similar with me as well... most have read my posts ... sometimes I wonder if even those on this board just can't grasp what my x is or my situation as I rarely get replies anymore. 
I met someone yesterday that allegedly has a brother that is a narc he kept going in and on about it and how he felt so bad and is even in therapy from it... .

I trust no one right now, but I swear the guy sounded like me like how I can't stop talking about it sometimes ... .I didn't overshare, but at the end of the day this new awyantaince says to me, I'm so glad that we met you made me feel so much better and really get what I'm going thru.  I really applaud anyone in therapy , him included.

I'm having a rough day again today,  yesterday was the best I've had in awhile .
My relationship was also three months knew my x for  four  years and ya know he hid everything from me... .I was conned ... .I've become acquaintance friends with his coworker who he also conned and has fooled. 
My x flaunts nothing but himself infeint of me almost daily ... .how he can do what he did and deliver my mail is beyond me

Wheelx is right. Great advice. His story and yours are identical to mine.
The syrup analogy is perfect. We are in the right place. No one understands the pain we feel as a nonPD from the wrath of our exBPD.
I was cutoff from an old GF (suspected NPD) didn't want to hear me talk about it, but wanted me to pay for dinner. Another colleague claiming my behavior post breakup is tantamount to stalking (i sent an apology email to my exBPD) and deserve a PPO threatened by her. Of course he is in law enforcement and battled an ex wife in divorce.
I'm glad we have each other.

[PaticAttack]

Not sure if you've seen my post, but I was also in a very short RS with a BPD girl, around 3 or 3.5 months. Was very overly sweet and cute, just like yours.


Yea, its crazy how attached we can become in such a short amount of time.  I am healing, but I think of her every day!  I wish that I would have researched BPD while in the relationship with her, maybe I could have figured out how to react and communicate with her better.  She defiantly tried to hide it from me and even asked after we broke up if I saw it.  Looking back, I did notice some weird things but I also like weird things about people and wanted to accept her for who she was.

Ah well!  We all need to keep our head up and try not to ruminate to much on the past.  I would like to be at a place that I can look back and hold that time without it hurting me.

Cheers!

[PaticAttack]

So... .I really dont know how to get these quote things correct, It shows my text in the highlighted area as well.  Ah well, maybe I'll figure it out at some point 

[PaticAttack]

Idsrvt2 

Your situation sees very difficult and I am sorry you are going through that.  I could not handle seeming my ex at all at this point.  We live pretty far apart, so there is no fear of running into her.  I would crack!  You will get through this!  At the beginning, I started to listen to guided meditations about loving myself and also reading affirmations.  They have helped me, my heart still hurts, but Im not as much a wreck now.  I hope you can find some peace very soon!

Cheers!