First time here

[inthestacks]

• What type of relationship are you in?
  
  Parent of four adult children.  Married for 23 years.  My main concern is my 23 year old daughter, who is married and with an 18 month old son.  

• Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
  
  No one has been formally diagnosed, but there is a strong family history of mental illness.  

• What is your child's strongest quality?
  
  She is very bright, witty, and charming, when she is herself.  She is an excellent mom when she is doing well.  

• What are the top challenges your child is facing?
  
  She absolutely cannot deal with any stress at all, and she does not see that she has a problem at this point.  She is in a place of near-constant anger and lashing out, and engaging in behaviours that are risky.  She has been going out and not coming home.  It is affecting her marriage terribly, and I am very worried about our grandson.

• What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
  
  We cannot seem to have a real conversation that doesn't end in chaos.  We do not have any kind of real relationship, everything feels fake.  She has been shutting out everyone who loves her.  It is just so hard to see her spiralling out of control.    

• How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
  
  She is undiagnosed.  

• What do you struggle with yourself?
  
  I struggle with anxiety and depression, and have had an eating disorder.  I am highly sensitive.  

• Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
  
  If so, what types?
  
  Not at this point.  

• What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
  
  I would really like to try to find better ways to support my daughter while taking care of myself and the rest of our family.   I want to be able to help her get help.  I also want to learn how I can best support her son when she isn't doing well.  

TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harley Quinn]

Hi inthestacks and Welcome!  

Thanks for your informative introduction.  It gives us a good overview of your situation and I can see that it's good you found us.  You will get great support and information here that can help you to work on the relationship with your daughter and find ways to ease some of the tension you find in the communication.  There are lots of other parents here who's posts you will find interesting I'm sure.  Hopefully it's comforting to know you're not alone.

In your experience of your daughter's behaviour, does her current risky activity seem to be 'normal' or is this something that happens in cycles around certain triggers?  I'm interested to know if the triggers can be identified and whether her spouse recognises these.  How long have they been together?

How are you managing your anxiety and depression?  It's important to take care of yourself as you support your daughter and her family.  You state that you're not receiving therapy at the moment.  :)oes that mean it's something you've had previously or might consider as a means to help yourself in dealing with your own struggles?  Having a pwBPD in your life is hard work and for a family member even more so I'd have thought.  Looking after your own emotional health can aid you in having strength and clarity when handling difficult situations.  Please be sure to make your needs a priority as well as your daughter's.  

Regards easing things in your family, I would encourage you to begin taking a look at the tools for communication to the right of the board, and gradually working through the lessons beneath these.  There is lots of great information and guidance here, which I'm certain you'll find valuable.  In particular I'm a fan of validation, which is something I'm currently working on with my toddler.  It's also great to use with yourself!  

Keep reading and posting.  Whatever you need to share, we're listening.

Love and light x  

[inthestacks]

Thank you, Harley.  I'm sorry it took so long to reply.  I am just so overwhelmed with it all that I am finding it hard to do anything.  We had a particularly bad episode with our daughter this weekend.  We were supposed to go camping with her and her husband and son, but he reached out to us shortly before we were to leave, saying that she was screaming and carrying on.  We went to their place to try to defuse things, and it was awful.  We tried to talk to each of them, but her husband has reached his limit and was reacting badly as well.  All of this was happening with our grandson there.  We asked if we could take him home with us for a little while while they sorted things out and our daughter became enraged.  Long story short, we did what we could and it became clear we were no longer welcome there.  It broke my heart to leave our little grandson there but short of calling the police, I didn't know what else we could do.  What should be done in these situations?  My husband and I have reached out for counselling for ourselves, and are just waiting to hear from the counsellor to make an appointment.  I have been reading through the tools on this site, and can see many areas where I thought I was doing the right things, but it turns out I haven't.  I am also reading the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it is helping me to understand.  I can now see that she has cycled through these periods for about the last six years, and I cannot determine what the trigger is.  She is definitely one who needs high levels of stimulation, and staying at home with a baby and being content has been very difficult for her.  I also feel there is some very deep hurt in there, but she has never been one to open up.  I just feel so helpless. Watching your own child self-destruct is so hard.  I just wish she was little and I could hold her again and tell her everything is going to be okay.  And I find it extremely difficult to go through the days and nights not knowing how they are doing.  I don't know how anyone else does it, but I'd sure appreciate some input.  Thank you so much for being there.

[Huat]

Hello InTheStacks... .and welcome:

It is indeed sad what brings all of us to this forum.  I, too, am a grandmother who has lived through (am living through!) a situation similar to yours.  It is so much harder when there are young ones to worry about... .their future... .your future with them.  When your heart is so obviously filled with love for your grandchildren, they can turn out to be pawns to be used against you.  That pain has been ours.

When I think back to the verbal and emotional abuse my husband and I were subjected to, I shake my head.  It was absolutely shameful but the thought of losing contact with those little loves-of-our-lives was worse.  With all that said... .it happened anyway.

I'm sure this is a complete reversal of the scenarios you may have envisioned... .you being the loving parents/grandparents who, in turn, would be showered with love and appreciation.   Well, get rid of those dreams because they will only weigh you down... .drain you of the energy you are going to need to bring about positive change.

I think it is wonderful that you and your husband will be going to counselling!  First and foremost, you have to look after yourselves... .work on staying united.   You have to educate yourselves on knowing when your daughter's actions/reactions are not normal and not acceptable.  While boundaries are an important tool to work with, always keep in mind that some can be renegotiated... .others cannot.

There are counsellors... .and there are counsellors.  I sincerely hope you get one that you can connect with... .relate to... .one who is well-versed on BPD.   

By hitting on this website, you have come upon an almost endless supply of information that will help you along your journey.  "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is an excellent/informative read.

By participating in/on this forum, I hope it will bring you some comfort... .realizing that you are not alone with these troubles.   Life does not always follow the script we wrote... .but the decision is ours as to whether or not we manage to eke out enjoyment.

I wish you well and I hope you keep posting.

[inthestacks]

Thank you, Huat, for your understanding and your honesty.  I'm sorry that you are on this roller coaster, too.  This is something you never envision as a new parent.  I appreciate so much your response, and Harley's as well, and I do hope to find comfort here, but reading many of the posts I have read scares me... .honestly, it's discouraging to realize that this will likely be an ongoing issue. 

I grew up in chaos, with a father that I now realize was very likely BPD, in addition to being an alcoholic.  I swore that my children would never be raised like that, and when I struggled with my own issues, I did seek out help, hoping to shelter them from anything but a perfect childhood.  Unrealistic, I know, but I tried.  That being said, and knowing the value that therapy holds, I am really hoping that my husband and I can get some help in how we deal with this through counselling. 

Where you said:  "When I think back to the verbal and emotional abuse my husband and I were subjected to, I shake my head.  It was absolutely shameful but the thought of losing contact with those little loves-of-our-lives was worse."  That is exactly how we are feeling.  Thank you for understanding.  I am terrified of what all of this will do to our little love. 

Again, thank you for being so honest, and please know that I truly appreciate simply knowing we are not alone.  I am so sorry for your heartache as well.