Trying to stay strong

[Depression = 72% of members]

15 years of marriage, I've always known something was "off" about my Wife's actions and mannerisms, but I was young and in love. After her most recent indiscretion, i told her i was leaving, and after a month of begging and pleading for me to take her back, i agreed on the condition of us going to marriage counselling (6 months now). Earlier this month I was told by our therapist that they believe my Wife has BPD. So I do what I am best at; research... .I've learned that ignorance is bliss though. At first while reading, i thought all these are generalizations and could be anyone, by the fourth chapter I was trying to read through tears. It all seems so undeniably correct. All the years of arguing, cheating, violence towards me, and the constant "go away, don't leave me"; all started to make sense. My Wife and I have just had a lot of loss in our families, and now an actual probable diagnosis of the "why's" I've felt for years. The problem; I am now more scared then ever that there won't be a change. I've contemplated leaving so many times (and haven't for our two children 11 and 12), but now feel guilty for these feelings because she hasn't left me after my physical disability which has slowed me down a lot in life (but not stopped me from doing everything I did before my accident which took the use of one of my legs). She hasn't even been diagnosed yet, nor told of the possibility, but has blown off most of her individual sessions in the last 2 months. At this rate I feel like she won't continue with them, and if so, she won't use the tools she is given even if she does go. How do I go about encouraging her to do so, and keep in a relationship where i still love her, but have no emotional support (for years now i have a low self-esteem brought on by giving up friends and feel like I'm cheating by talking with platonic friends for emotional stability, for the ones that I still have left, when I can)?

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15 years of marriage, I've always known something was "off" about my Wife's actions and mannerisms, but I was young and in love. After her most recent indiscretion, i told her i was leaving, and after a month of begging and pleading for me to take her back, i agreed on the condition of us going to marriage counselling (6 months now). Earlier this month I was told by our therapist that they believe my Wife has BPD. So I do what I am best at; research... .I've learned that ignorance is bliss though. At first while reading, i thought all these are generalizations and could be anyone, by the fourth chapter I was trying to read through tears. It all seems so undeniably correct. All the years of arguing, cheating, violence towards me, and the constant "go away, don't leave me"; all started to make sense. My Wife and I have just had a lot of loss in our families, and now an actual probable diagnosis of the "why's" I've felt for years. The problem; I am now more scared then ever that there won't be a change. I've contemplated leaving so many times (and haven't for our two children 11 and 12), but now feel guilty for these feelings because she hasn't left me after my physical disability which has slowed me down a lot in life (but not stopped me from doing everything I did before my accident which took the use of one of my legs). She hasn't even been diagnosed yet, nor told of the possibility, but has blown off most of her individual sessions in the last 2 months. At this rate I feel like she won't continue with them, and if so, she won't use the tools she is given even if she does go. How do I go about encouraging her to do so, and keep in a relationship where i still love her, but have no emotional support (for years now i have a low self-esteem brought on by giving up friends and feel like I'm cheating by talking with platonic friends for emotional stability, for the ones that I still have left, when I can)?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi,

Welcome to the board. I'm sorry to hear that you've been through so much in your relationship. You've found a really good place to help you find the support and encouragement you need.

Finding out about BPD for me was an eye opening experience, but like you I also felt so hurt and sad knowing that there is no cure and that my H may never get better. I would encourage you to go through the grieving process. You will go through a lot of emotions as you work through acceptance of the diagnosis (even if she never actually get diagnosed). For me, I had to grieve for my expectations of the my H, our marriage, and our future. I had to realign what "normal" meant for me. My relationship would never be "normal" by regular marriage standards, but I had to determine what things going good meant for us. It's different for each person. For me, it means that he only gets mad a couple times a week, or that he hasn't raged in months.

We have a lot of great lessons on the right side of the page. Don't expect to be able to learn all of this at once. We've built up coping mechanisms for years and it will take time to change our own behavior, but these lessons will help you learn more about BPD, better ways of communicating with your pwBPD, and how to take care of yourself. To get you started here is one of our lessons on the Dos and Don'ts of a BPD relationship.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

[pearlsw]

Hi there!

I know how overwhelming it can be to learn about this stuff. I always suspected something was "off" with my partner, but my research kept spinning me in circles until I found this site and then the pieces of the puzzle came together.

Tattered Heart has a lot more experience and wisdom than I, but I do want to speak to this particular point, "How do I go about encouraging her to do so, and keep in a relationship where i still love her, but have no emotional support (for years now i have a low self-esteem brought on by giving up friends and feel like I'm cheating by talking with platonic friends for emotional stability, for the ones that I still have left, when I can)?"

I had this same fear too recently. Thinking I had no emotional support and how would I get through life like this? What would I do when I get older or if I had more physical limitations. (I have minor sports injuries that never seem to improve entirely.) I decided that it helps if I simply live in the present. Rather than worry about a future which has not yet arrived I concern myself with now. There are no guarantees in life. It can all be taken away in an instant anyway, so I try not to spend a lot of time on that, and just let go, over and over.

For emotional support I come here and read stories, chime in when I can, and study the lessons. (I've lost a lot of friends/support over the years too.) There is a lot of emotional support here. It might not be all I want, or could have, or have had, but it is enough for now.

Any ideas on what you can do to get your esteem back up? Does she prevent you from engaging with others or have you sunken in on yourself a bit? Or both? Maybe you will find that learning about these issues and providing peer to peer support could enhance your sense of self? I know I really admire the folks here who take the time to share their knowledge and insights and life stories. The bits of help people provide each other here make a huge difference in other people's lives. Just hearing your story makes me feel less alone, so thank you to you too!

I am sorry your partner is not following through as she promised on counseling. That must be terribly disappointing after she begged you to take her back and this was a condition of you doing so. Are you deciding how to follow up on this?  Please don't feel guilty about her not leaving you after you had a physical disability, okay? You still have the right to make decisions about what is best for you and your kids.  Even though this is an illness you can choose to stay or leave - there are valid reasons for each choice. This illness can be very severe and when there is violence involved you have every right to live free from that no matter how she may have helped you in the past, okay?