BPDw says I'm doing something but I'm not.

[InMaricopa]

Hi 

My wife says... . 

• I'm cheating on her, but I never have.
  I'm gas-lighting but I'm not
  that I'm narcissistic, deviant, master deceiver, but I'm not.

This is very difficult to handle emotionally and has been going on for many years.  15+  We've been together since 1996.  Were married in 1999.  We have 2 children.  Son 10 and daughter 6. 

She has accused me of having inappropriate relationships with her sister and her mom, but that has never happened either.  She even accuses me of having relationships with men, but I don't.   
 
Today's example:
I started using a different ingredient in my morning drink and she asked me why I am afraid of using the other one.   I said I'm not, but she immediately responds, "Liar".  Then she dumped it out because I must have contaminated it. 

Other examples:
I opened the blinds in the laundry room differently one day and she asked me if it was a signal to someone that it's okay to meet and hook up.

She says that she is aware that I have devices hidden in the house to video tape her, but I don't.

She accuses me of putting GPS trackers on her car, but I never have. 

She says she has proof that I had a different woman in our house.  Supposedly a neighbor confided in her that she saw me with a different woman.    That never happened.


She has been arrested for domestic violence back in June 2012.
It's unbelievable and sad that I cannot get help from anyone with regards to mental health issues.
She has to want to help herself, but she says she is doing fine.

Yes, she is under the care of a psychiatrist
Official diagnosis is "Cyclothymic Disorder" which I think is partially right, but I've been reading alot and I think she has other issues.  Such as Borderline Personality Disorder and/or Delusional Disorder "Jealous" type.


Things I've tried
- Directly challenging her, but it only makes things worse.
- Disengaging from the yelling usually works.
- I'm trying the gray rock method now, but I'm not very good at it.


Good News
I am not depressed.  Seriously, I've been through therapy and I've come along way.
I used to have panic attacks but I do not any more.  (took 3 yrs to go away).
I used to have acid reflex but I don't any more.  (Lots of exercise and diet change)
I've lost 30 lbs and I am maintaining and putting on muscle. 
Basically doing pretty good. 



Q:  So why am I posting now?
She want's a divorce.    She's given me notice and says I have three months to agree to her terms or she will file and serve me papers. 


Also, she is getting really abusive verbally and accusing me of doing the things that she is doing.     I don't know how anyone else feels about a situation like this, but it's really strange to me. 

Q:  How do I deal with someone accusing me of doing things that I'm not?





 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[InMaricopa]

Okay, I just read this awesome post... .


Write this on something and read it 10 times a day till you firmly get it.

* Don't argue

* Don't defend

* Don't justify

* Don't explain

* Don't counter attack

* Take care of yourself and take a time out.


Do you feel strong enough to stop the argument?

What do you fear if you don't?



I know she's mentally ill.   I know the things she is saying are not true.
I've been doing this (ie above) and it works.   I try my very best not to show a negative reaction and I say things like "That's nice"  "Okay";  "I don't remember it that way"

If I have to, I walk away.     I usually have to walk away when she starts demanding that I tell her the name of my alleged GF that doesn't exist.

[isilme]

Hi there.  At this point, even if you do not want divorce, I'd recommend a consultation just to get a few things on record should it get ugly.  As the woman, she will get more credit in any stories of abuse, infidelity, or custody.  It's just how our society is programmed, not trying to start an equality war - it just seems that the man is on the side of having to prove his innocence more often.  Ask what your state requires as far as custody and proving fitness as the main custodian of the children. 

Keep records of the fact she is in psychiatric care.  See above.

As for day to day... .hard.  My mother has full blown BPD and has been diagnosed with bi polar disorder.  My father is a sociopath, diagnosed manic depressed.  Both accused me of lots of things they did when I was a child.  I had to go No Contact with them as a teen/adult to protect myself.

I agree with trying to not sweat the random accusations.  They hurt, they are annoying, and it sucks for someone to be mad at you for things you'd never do / have never done.  Even worse, for things THEY did.  But right now, protecting the kids and your own reputation is the biggest things you should focus on.  How does this affect the kids?

Do you talk to her psych caretaker at all, to get feedback on how to handle things at home?  Can you?  Can you see them on your own?