I recently made a post about how my upwBPD has been pushing for me to move back in with her.
Past: we were engaged and living together. During the worst rage/episode shes ever had in our relationship, she kicked me out and turned me as black as you could imagine. I was Enemy #1.
Present: She has acknowledged she does need therapy and help. Has yet to state out loud that she agrees it may be BPD but shows signs of having done some research into it (using verbiage such as the "hurt inner child" and what not). We've been back together for going on 2 months now and things, for the most part, have been great. Last week she dysregulated pretty badly which led to a rage but we worked through it and she really did come to the conclusion on her own that her actions/behavior were completely uncalled for. Great stuff.
Now... .back to the issue that just seems to keep going round and around and aroound! The "moving back in" conversation. When we decided to give this relationship another go we set some boundaries and ground rules for it. We would not be suddenly engaged again, that would take some time. We would not jump right back into living together, that would also take some time. A month into being back together the conversations of me moving back in started getting initiated by her. At first they were easily worked out and we'd eventually settle on "theres no need to rush." Then, the episode a week ago where she raged at me told me she hated me and we were done was all the doing of her feeling negatively about the fact that I have not moved back in and have stuck firm to NOT moving back in yet. After this episode passed, we spoke and she stated how she completely understands why I'd be nervous about moving back in. Told me she didnt blame me for being scared considering her actions during that rage that mimicked actions from the past. Recognized all of it and genuinely seemed to "get it"
Now... .here we are (1 wonderful week spent together after that rage episode)... .work is stressing her out because of her schedule and suddenly... the moving in conversation surfaces. Coupled with a bunch of side conversations that somehow, not sure how, are all related to the moving in debacle.
My thing is: I explained to her that I do want to eventually move back in together and that I am 100% committed to this relationship and our success, however, I also want to feel safe secure and comfortable in my decision to move back in. I explained how it has only been ONE week since she last raged on me telling me how I bring nothing but BS into her life, how she hates me, and how we are completely done. All things she later denied ever saying (minus the hating me... .that one was pretty hard to "misunderstand" as she claims I did the other things). Now for her logical (in her mind) response: "You want me to have this track record, sort of speak, and give 100% but you're not willing to give me 100% and be someone I feel like I can depend on so why would I do that for you"
Me thinksss... .she doesnt fully see the flaw in that thought process. Sigh.
She wants to be able to depend on me (she can without me living there) and see that I am 100% committed to the relationship (which I dont need to live with her to be 100% committed) and claims that my fear of discard proves, in her mind, that I am in fact NOT 100% committed because if I were then I would "trust that she wont discard me as long as she feels (heres the full circle for her) like she can depend on me and I'm 100% committed"
Is it just me or is this whole thing COMPLETELY BACKWARDS!
"Move in with me and THEN I'll show you that you can trust I wont discard you and I'm committed to a healthy happy relationship. Move in and you'll see that I wont just kick you out whenever I feel like because I'm angry"
Sure! That sounds like a SOLID plan! Even though you just raged on me and in the process discarded me ONE week ago, I am totally down for just "taking your word for it" and moving in... .hold on let me go pack my things! ... .not one single

here that I could see!
She's hung up on the fact that before we broke up we WERE at those points in our relationship. Engaged, living together, serious as serious gets. We are still in a serious committed relationship but things have changed. Things have slowed down, as they should have. Did mention this to her but of course I was met with snide remarks where it's clear, at least during her dysregulations, she believes I was mostly to blame for what went wrong the last time. That skewed perception and all... it's a tricky little bugger!
Sigh. Sorry for the rant! I guess this whole post really boils down to this one question:
I am supposed to be spending the afternoon/night with her tonight. Extremely anxious this conversation will keep on spinnin! Any advice on how to tackle this? I tried to use DEARMAN for this... .seemed like a good time to give it a shot. Explained everything I did in this post (in a much nicer calmer unsarcastic yet firm way). There hasnt been any raging. Our conversation this morning was pleasant enough. Not sure if she was still simmering the Moving-In-Debacle or just aggravated with work, it could have been either or both honestly. I just want to go over, have a nice time... .no nonsense. She is so capable of recognizing all of these BPD things going on and then something stresses her out and suddenly shes right off the rails again. I will give her this... .she's held it together A LOT better since we've been back together. A new level of self-awareness is evident. Very helpful. But alas... .BPD rears its ugly head.
Trying to prevent this from escalating. Which is hasnt yet and does not need to.
Any and all thoughts/advice BEYOND welcomed!