The story of my relationship with a partner with BPD.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I fell in love with a girl and it was the best I've ever felt in my life. From the beginning, we knew she was going to be across the country the following semester, and I told her I couldn't do distance when she was gone, but that I wanted to be with her when she came back. We agreed to this, agreed to still talk while she was gone, but not be in a committed relationship.

When she left, we did still talk but she started doing things that made me feel like she was forcing me into a relationship I didn't want to be in. (also at this time neither of us knew she had BPD so I didn't understand that this was all triggering for her fear of abandonment.) I slept with someone else, which we both had agreed was allowed prior to her leaving given that we weren't in a relationship.

She broke down. Began a lot of self-harm. I was doing my best to take care of her. She ended up in inpatient for trying to kill herself. I told her I couldn't be with her romantically because it didn't seem like the right thing to do with everything going on- I thought she really needed t focus on herself.

For the next few months, I was the biggest support in her life. I tolerated a lot of unfair treatment because I knew she was in a lot of pain, and despite everything, I still cared for her so much. It was all emotionally really terrible for me- I was having nightmares about her killing herself, I would always take care of her when she cut, I developed anxiety. I coped with a lot of what I was feeling by continuing to sleep with the other girl. I never lied to anyone about this.

The whole time, my ex with BPD would beg and beg to be with me for months. Eventually when she seemed to be doing a bit better, I admitted to her that I still loved her and wanted to be with her. She said she felt the same. Because we had both been through so much, we decided to take a little space to work on ourselves and deal with all the pain of everything we'd been through, and that we'd come together afterward and be ready to be together.

 I did this. I spent so much time unpacking my own behavior and learning how to be a supportive partner. I was really trying. Meanwhile, she began to devalue me, and after a month, was in a relationship with someone else.

She broke my heart but we decided to try and still be friends. Her new girlfriend told her she had to make a choice between my friendship or their relationship. She chose their relationship. I'm so sad and devastated, I miss her so much. It is hard to watch her not miss me now that she is with someone else.

I am in therapy to work through all of this. A lot of articles I read are EXACTLY what I feel- sometimes this is helpful but sometimes it makes me feel so sad that this is all so textbook.

I am trying to unlearn my codependent behavior, and I am working really hard, but it is new, and it is hard to let go of the desire for her to come back to me.

[sadboi]

I fell in love with a girl and it was the best I've ever felt in my life. From the beginning, we knew she was going to be across the country the following semester, and I told her I couldn't do distance when she was gone, but that I wanted to be with her when she came back. We agreed to this, agreed to still talk while she was gone, but not be in a committed relationship.

When she left, we did still talk but she started doing things that made me feel like she was forcing me into a relationship I didn't want to be in. (also at this time neither of us knew she had BPD so I didn't understand that this was all triggering for her fear of abandonment.) I slept with someone else, which we both had agreed was allowed prior to her leaving given that we weren't in a relationship.

She broke down. Began a lot of self-harm. I was doing my best to take care of her. She ended up in inpatient for trying to kill herself. I told her I couldn't be with her romantically because it didn't seem like the right thing to do with everything going on- I thought she really needed t focus on herself.

For the next few months, I was the biggest support in her life. I tolerated a lot of unfair treatment because I knew she was in a lot of pain, and despite everything, I still cared for her so much. It was all emotionally really terrible for me- I was having nightmares about her killing herself, I would always take care of her when she cut, I developed anxiety. I coped with a lot of what I was feeling by continuing to sleep with the other girl. I never lied to anyone about this.

The whole time, my ex with BPD would beg and beg to be with me for months. Eventually when she seemed to be doing a bit better, I admitted to her that I still loved her and wanted to be with her. She said she felt the same. Because we had both been through so much, we decided to take a little space to work on ourselves and deal with all the pain of everything we'd been through, and that we'd come together afterward and be ready to be together.

 I did this. I spent so much time unpacking my own behavior and learning how to be a supportive partner. I was really trying. Meanwhile, she began to devalue me, and after a month, was in a relationship with someone else.

She broke my heart but we decided to try and still be friends. Her new girlfriend told her she had to make a choice between my friendship or their relationship. She chose their relationship. I'm so sad and devastated, I miss her so much. It is hard to watch her not miss me now that she is with someone else.

I am in therapy to work through all of this. A lot of articles I read are EXACTLY what I feel- sometimes this is helpful but sometimes it makes me feel so sad that this is all so textbook.

I am trying to unlearn my codependent behavior, and I am working really hard, but it is new, and it is hard to let go of the desire for her to come back to me.

[Sargeras]

And unlearning that kind of behavior you've allowed to manifest is a time consuming task. Feels like you got punched in the stomach, huh? I know, because I'm in your shoes. You can choose to wait for her, you could get back together with her tomorrow, you can move on- but what I can guarantee you is that there will be pain in all directions.

DO NOT take what she did personally. It wasn't personal. This isn't the result of some sinister plot she's been brewing to get revenge on you for sleeping with someone else. This wasn't a precision strike. You're not dealing with some vicious, scheming mastermind.

The fact is, there was a point in time not long ago where this woman thought of you as lord and savior. While this was happening, it's nearly impossible not to let some of it go to your head. Makes you feel like a superstar. If you couple that with her going through an incredibly hard time herself, in this constant state of gloom, engaging in the self harm, etc, you will really begin to believe that it is your PURPOSE to support her. It's like you were given a mandate from heaven to see her through her ailments. Obviously, that's gonna put you in a really f*cking tough position. It's like a mechanic attempting to restore a totaled car. Nothing you can do will ever FIX this. But your heart's telling you the opposite.

At times you may think you've conjured an antidote to her problems, and for a short while, you may have done so. But give it a day, maybe a week, maybe two, and you'll be back to assuming the role of rescuer.

You have to understand that she's struggling with very intense, emotional turmoil; constantly. It's impossible to describe with our limited vocabulary. Some days she probably has a better understanding of this than others- but she knows. You can be assured there's a constant tug-of-war within her.

Things can always get better with her, she's a person. She can be susceptible to treatment. But there's always going to be some kind of vacuum to fill. In that respect, you can and could never "win".

One thing I wanted to address was that sleeping with this other girl while she knows about and while there is still naked intimacy between the two of you sends her mixed messages. I'm sure it triggered her fear of abandonment. (Of course I don't know what the exact circumstances were, I don't mean to imply you're some kind of scumbag for doing this, I just mean to illustrate how this would adversely affect someone who is disordered). I triggered my ex's fear of abandonment by telling her some times "let's break up" when I felt there was a fight on the horizon. I would tell her that even when I didn't mean it. It was my way of locking her down and beating her to the punch, as sometimes she would do it with me. I have nothing but regret for doing this. I can't imagine what kind of pain it caused her. With anyone, that's silly and immature. It shouldn't ever be done, ESPECIALLY with someone who has BPD. She split up with me via text 1 month ago to the day after she came back from a week long cruise with her family. She stated that she wanted to be friends, but it was time for her to "live a different life than the one she has been" whatever that meant. I confirmed she was dating somebody else the day after she broke up with me and ended our 2 and a half year relationship. I was absolutely devastated. I wanted my pain to be inflicted on others. I was soo angry and sad for a couple weeks there. I'm just now starting to feel better.

Though, while this breakup was seemingly at random, my weeks of research have lead me to the opposite conclusion: this was the result of months of emotional suppression on her part which finally lead her to drop me. Playing on this fear of abandonment, whether purposefully or accidentally is a big no-no. Of the array of intense emotions BPDs feel, abandonment is arguably the worst. It's unbearable. Almost anything will be done to terminate the feeling. The circumstances of her departure may have been perceived as impulsive and odd (... which it was... .), but her feelings for having done so probably stem from the fear of abandonment. These types of sudden exits can also be linked to a pwBPD's desire to take preemptive measures. "I think they're on their way out, so I'd better protect myself and pull the plug first). There's SECURITY in being the one to call it quits.

Don't chastise yourself for evoking those feelings, though. It can be done very easily. So much as your tone of voice can trigger this feeling. (I encourage you to look into "mirroring" on this website).

I do know my ex still has feelings for me, just as your ex does for you. I promise you that. She still thinks of you and will not forget your time together and the comfort you provided. That's why this isn't the last you've heard from her. Yeah, she may have hit the eject button and decided she wanted to roll the dice with this woman, but rest easy knowing it was probably done impulsively and with little thought. The truth is she's chasing a carrot on a stick.

Make no mistake- she isn't sailing into the sunset with this new gal. While she may THINK she found some new harmonium, it couldn't be further from the truth. She's in the honeymoon phase with this girl right now. She's elevating, praising, idolizing, puppy-dog-eyeing, you name it. Based on my own experience with being in a relationship with someone who has BPD as well as BPD individuals I've spoken with, this phase ends pretty quickly. For all you know, they could be arguing as we speak. I'll parrot something somebody told me the other day: truth is, at some point shortly (assuming it hasn't happened already) this new girl she's with will slip up (probably unknowingly), and she will initiate devaluation in the eyes of your ex.

Anyhow, to wrap things up, there are two books I just read that helped me immensely and that I highly recommend: Stop Walking on Eggshells, and Codependent no more. Take it from me, you'll be very happy you read them.

Questions you should ponder:

1) Is she a healthy presence in my life?
2) Can I face the possibility of doing this again?
3) Do I resent her for having done this?
4) In a few months will I care nearly as much as I do now?
5) Where can I redirect the energy I've expended dwelling on this?
6) If we do have interaction again, can I be certain of what I want from her so as not to confuse her?

Be honest with yourself. Set boundaries. Have discipline; exercise. Do things you like to do right now during the downtime. Be sure to get out of the house for a period of time every day. See other women. Let her do her thing.

Whatever you decide you want is okay. It's your call 100%. No doubt you sincerely care for this person. If you feel the need to reach out and tell her that if she needs a friend she'll always have one in you, go for it. Use your discretion. If you choose to do this, you're doing it to clean the slate- nothing more than making a statement that you're OKAY and not angry with her. Keep it short, to the point and upbeat. She doesn't need to think you're depressed and miserable.

I wish you the best of luck going forward. I hope this helped.

[sadboi]

saedrix,

Thank you for your response, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me.

I fully understand now that I triggered her fear of abandonment, but at the time I didn't know that my actions would do that because I didn't know she had BPD. We have talked about this, and there are moments when she has accepted this in the past, and other moments when her anger takes over. I feel terrible knowing that I made her feel this way, and I adjusted my behavior so much after learning she has BPD that I know I never would have done what I did if I had known the full story. But alas, hindsight is 20/20.

I appreciate you saying that she still misses me. It feels like she doesn't. I see her posts on social media and stuff and she seems blissfully happy. It is not that I do not want her to be doing well, it is just hard when I am so consumed in missing her and she seems to have forgotten about me.

You asked a lot of good questions.
1) I think there have been times when she has been an unhealthy presence and other times when she has been a healthy presence.
2)I could do this again, and do it better because I have a lot more knowledge about the situation.
3) I go through phases of resentment, but I feel myself moving more and more towards forgiveness and understanding.
4)I think I will always care for her, but I hope I am not as devastated in a few months.
5) this is hard. I am trying to focus a lot on my schoolwork and my poetry. Some days I am successful, some days it is hard to focus.
6) As of right now, if she came back and wanted to be together again, I would tell her I wanted the same if we went to therapy together.

I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells, but will look into Codependent no more.

Thank you again for your reply to me, you are greatly appreciated.