In the FOG again

[Charlie3236]

I'm stuck in the FOG again with BPD little sis. Everything in me wants to cut her off and get 1000 miles away and not look back. But then I see how miserable she is and how lost and stuck... .And although she is nasty, nasty, nasty to me sometimes, my heart still goes out to her. Has anyone here ever found a decent way to have a relationship with a BPD without constant pain and turmoil?

[Panda39]

Hi Charlie3236,

You recognizing the FOG is a really good thing.  Understanding what is going on and how you are being affected will help you continue to move forward with a relationship with your sister.

IMO I think it is possible to have a decent relationship with your sister but it takes work... .knowledge about BPD and what that looks like in your sister's case, radical acceptance (she is who she is and will not change unless she decides to get help - you can not make her do this), boundaries, and other skills... .validating her feelings (not her bad behavior), don't JADE (Justify Argue Defend Explain) this leads to circular arguments that go no where etc.

A decent relationship does not mean that she will suddenly be the sister you have always dreamed of but a decent relationship could involve creating boundaries and using tools that can allow you to still be in contact with your sister while at the same time making the experience better for yourself.

There are many tools on this site that can help and the members here are great at sharing their stories and experiences so you can get examples of these tools in action.

Can you give us a situation with your sister that you struggle with most?  Maybe we can give you some ideas about negotiating that situation better. 

Panda39

[Lilacs]

Charlie
I feel for you. It is so hard. (I am currently NC w my BPDsis again so not sure if I can offer Insight or not).  

I have a BPDsis who is 7 years younger and she blamed me for so much in her life and went NC w me for 3 years.  Then we slowly started meeting again bc my oldest was graduating. I think I always held out the hope that someday we could clear the air.  Then after 2 years of a low contact relationship w her she holds my hand and hugs me and says she is ready to talk and that I must have questions. EUREKA! Just what I wanted and needed. Well then I tried to set up a time to do this and it never happened. Meanwhile we still did Mother's Day and Father's Day etc w our parents and husbands and kids. Well about 11 mo after her offer to talk, I tried to ask her to meet w me. "This is out of left field." She says. "I'm good w where things are," she says. "I am working on mindfulness" she says. Bottom line. No meeting. So when I ask her to clarify what went wrong, she rails into me as to how I caused such deep pain during the worst time of her life (she cut it off w me but wanted to stay in touch w my husband and kids bc they were HER support and she needed it when she was in the middle of a divorce.). So basically I kept her from HER family. So there it was. No insight. Just me hurting her and not knowing the power of my words.

Sigh. So then she went NC w me bc I said there are two sides to a complicated set of events.

So I guess you can have a relationship w a BPDsis but you cannot have any expectation of her reciprocating love, or of working out things in the past. BPDs are just simply INCAPABLE of empathy. They may try but if you are on their sh*tlist then forget it.

I wish you luck.
Peace
Lilacs