Why does exBPDgf still need me?

[AnuDay]

Hello,

I have been here since the spring since my breakup.  I'm trying to move on.  My exBPDgf was having an affair and broke up with me.  Recently she has started trying to text and call a lot.  I don't answer or respond promptly.  She tries to drag on short conversations about the kids.  I try to keep things short.  Her attempts at contact become more wild if I don't respond proptly.  She calls at all times of the night.  I block her calls and texts sometimes. She goes into hysterics if I don't answer her promptly.  I see this as being another control tactic.  How should I deal with this? Yesterday I called the police when she refused to leave my door.  She came by unannounced after I didn't answer her call.  I am worried that she will scare away anyone else that I date.

[givememoonrocks]

narcissistic supply

[Harley Quinn]

Hi AnuDay,

It sounds like she needs someone right now and for whatever reason she believes that you may be open to being that someone.  Do you have strong boundaries in place around this unwanted contact?  I'd suggest that's a good place to start.  Calling the police will have sent a clear message about turning up unannounced, so be prepared to be consistent with enforcing the boundary around doing this or else it will appear that you are no longer concerned with it.  Giving mixed messages can lead to persistence on the part of the pwBPD.  It can be hard to hold strong to what we value if we are emotionally triggered by the contact and engage in old habits of communication, but enforcing boundaries consistently is worth it to restore peace and ease in your life.  Have you read the following article?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Boundaries remain a constant work in progress for myself (I had none with my ex!) and I found this article really helpful as guidance.  It gets easier with practise.

An option is to go low contact (LC) and only communicate about the kids; nothing but essential information.  Have you tried this?

Love and light x

 

[SWLSR]

anu day

This is very typical of a BPD person.  If you do not know about the term BPD recycle read up on it.  My opinion is a recycle is given when the BPD has no other choice then to keep the former mate in their life.  But if they do not have to resort to that they do what your former mate is doing to you.  As to why they do what they do, I do not know because I do not have what they have, but I can guess that they wish to keep you at arms length so that they can use you for whatever purpose they have in mind.  The best thing for you to do is not take her calls and continue to distance yourself from her.  It is the only way for you to stay within the bounds of your own sanity.  My story is a little different then yours in that my ex went quite sometime doing no contact with me, although later I found out she was stalking me during this no contact time, and now seven years later she say she wants to be friends and acts like nothing ever happened.  Since we have children I have to deal with her but I try to keep it official business only.  If you are able to get her totally out of your life if you have to deal with her for logistical reasons then keep a business only approach.

[Skip]

We bumped this to the advanced board 

Undiagnosed BPDgf moved out about 30 days ago and I have never felt better. ... //... We were doing couples counseling prior to her moving out.  Her affair seems to have died out because she is calling and texting me constantly... //... She wants to get back together but I definitely don't want to right now I know shes still seeing other guys.   I am conflicted about even wanting to continue the counseling.  Just wondering what you all think.  I just dont know why I would give her another shot to put me through hell.  My only consideration is that we have 2 daughters together.

AnuDay, its sounds like the relationship is in chaos, but it also doesn't sound like either of you have decided to walk away. For your part, you are the same time are considering counseling and taking calls and not considering counseling and not taking calls. And you are both linked by two children. Messy.

Clearly, she is trying to reconcile. She freaks out when to refuse calls because she is being rejected. She is also probably suspicious that there is anther women. People who cheat (as she did) are quick to think this.

On some level, this is vindicating for you, and you may be fueling it (even subconsciously). She moved out, her romance with the other guy died, an now she is trying to find a new place to land and is reaching out to you (and possibly others, as you say).

My suggestion is to not block some of her calls and some of her visits. That's the psychology of casinos - intermittent reward. Either take her calls or set rules for calls, or block all calls, but communicate and be consistent.

She may test the boundaries of that, but will eventually adjust.

Are you sure you are done?

[Turkish]

Recently she has started trying to text and call a lot.  I don't answer or respond promptly.  She tries to drag on short conversations about the kids.  I try to keep things short.

This is good,  as frustrating as it is.  

After leaving in 2013/14 to be with the guy she left me for,  she asked to come back this past Memorial Day. Not to go into details,  but I said no.  The following week,  I noticed she started wearing her wedding ring again.  The next week,  I asked her about it and she told me she had decided to reconcile with her husband,  who she basically kicked out in December.  So four years ago,  I was the second choice.  This year,  he was.  

Of course it wasn't about me,  but her anxiety about not being with our kids, now 5 and 7. She wanted to come back because she missed her children. Secondly because of financial stability. Thirdly, because of emotional stability. She told me she told her T, "Turkish never pissed me off like H does." Her choices, her bad. Not my responsibility.  

Truthfully, I entertained the thought for financial reasons.  Not that I'm hurting,  but I could pay off my home sooner,  etc.  Then I thought that ifI chose to be with a wounded person back then,  how much more was she wounded now? A lot. And so was/am I.

I never opened a conversation on how it would work,  even a faux "marriage." We may have become intimate eventually.  What kind of example would that be for our children? Her parents have something similar.  It messed her up.  No way for my kids.  

That she chose to reconcile with her husband so quickly demonstrated her fickleness and impulsivity.

I hate HATE being seperated from my kids half of the time. However, I long ago realized how freeing this was from mommy's anxiety and me walking on eggshells every day regarding what I was or wasn't doing right by not only her,  but our kids.  

[AnuDay]

Thank you so much SWSLR, Harley, and Givememoon

Excellent info.  I researched narcisstic supply and BPD supply.  I had read about them before, but reading it again it all makes so much sense now.   

Thank God for this board.  It helps make everything so much clearer.

Skip, thank you. I already knew what you were going to write before I finished reading.  I must be consistent. I will work on setting contact rules ASAP.  I am about 80% sure I'm done with her.  There's nothing I can do to change her.  Also, for clarification her relationship may be over but they still use each other for sex.  She tries to use me too, but I don't comply.  This also makes her mad.  She expects us to be friends or something, wants me to come over and spend time with her and the kids, wants me to spend time with her family... .it's not happening.  I made the mistake of going out to eat with her and the kids for my D7 birthday after she practically begged me to spend time with them all (even suggested we could leave town and get a hotel)... .worst mistake ever.  She sat there and texted the guy the whole time.  The 30 minutes I stayed was torture for my soul. I left early, just saw my daughter blow out her candle and left.

Turk, thank you, I feel very much the same.  I hate being away from the kids, but at the same time I have a peace in my life that I haven't felt in years.  My exBPDgf changes like the wind.  She can't even stay on point in text arguments which is a good reason for delayed responses and short answers.  She'll do and say anything to get under my skin, almost as if she derives pleasure from putting me in the same pain she is in.  It just so happened I had to call the police when I had the kids.  She acts like she has to see them everyday or her world collapses, but when she's with them she either smothers them or is overindulged in her social networking.  With the breakup being so recent for me I toy with the thought of getting back together, but seeing her and being around her makes my stomach hurt.  She's filthy, disgusting, and depressing.  Her apartment always smells like trash or sex. 

[Skip]

It sounds like you need a separation agreement (informal or formal) that puts you on a regular schedule with the kids. Do you have anything like that?

As for your relationship with her, why don't you arrange some "dates" and try to focus/limit the contact on just those times. Start with an afternoon lunch.

Things sound really messy. Its really early to talk about reconnecting, especially with the other guy in the picture. I would want her to have some distance from all of that.

[AnuDay]

It sounds like you need a separation agreement (informal or formal) that puts you on a regular schedule with the kids. Do you have anything like that?

As for your relationship with her, why don't you arrange some "dates" and try to focus/limit the contact on just those times. Start with an afternoon lunch.

Things sound really messy. Its really early to talk about reconnecting, especially with the other guy in the picture. I would want her to have some distance from all of that.

Thank you Skip,
I'm working on it now.  As far as "dates", what is the purpose? I've read countless stories on bpdfamily of BPD women treating men like crap.  There's not a bone in me that wants to go back to that. It's a demeaning and demoralizing experience.
I don't want to be a caretaker or codependent anymore.  Why does if sound so messy?  :)oes it sound any messier than other BPD relationships?

[Turkish]

AD,

If she's not triggered,  she'll be less likely to lash out defensively. 

When I asked for her hand in marriage from her parents,  her dad said,  "that's good! You know how to handle her."  sure,  but what's past is past.

What I did do in the end was revert back to "handling" her.  This was regarding boundaries of Detachment while at the same time negotiating a custody stipulation (with me paying child support), while she was still living with us,  the stipulation finally approved by the court months after she moved out. 

If you're done,  you're done.  However,  you are still tied with this person in a relationship for many years.

I negotiated by being Zen. Spock (logical). What's best for the kids,  and what's best for me.  Truthfully,  I hated spending any time with her back then,  kids or no.  She kept trying to spend time with me,  and I was angry.  Yet I need that stipulation filed in order to protect me,  the kids,  and her (I spun it thusly, and it was true). Once that goal was accomplished,  it was a sigh of relief.

I could tell you more,  being almost 5 years out now,  but my advice would be to first focus on the custody. Use the tools on the Improving Board,  in conjunction with your natural personality traits which attracted her to you in the first place.  Maybe not a "date" but rather a meeting to hash things out,  keeping in mind staying safe, is an idea. 

Almost 5 years later,  I went to breakfast with her and the kids today. Talk was benign and banal. No deep thoughts.  Then we took the kids to a movie.  No talking opportunity. It was actually ok for me.  This took years.  If kids are on the mix,  we're in it for the long haul.  Getting there requires accomplishing one small goal at a time.  Play the long game. This sucks, frankly, for you right now,  but getting to the other side is worth it.  Freedom.   

[Skip]

you are still tied with this person in a relationship for many years.

This is my point to. It's best to not be antagonistic.

Getting together for lunch or coffee, is an opportunity to defer all day to day desire to contact regarding non-child related issues to a specific time and place. When you meet, you can listen, be empathetic, lower then tension and high conflict.

You say you are 80% certain that you are done, so this also gives your a venue to see her and sort your feelings.

These are things to think about. There is no clear "best way" in situations like this.

[livednlearned]

Recently she has started trying to text and call a lot.  I don't answer or respond promptly.  She tries to drag on short conversations about the kids.  I try to keep things short.  Her attempts at contact become more wild if I don't respond proptly.  She calls at all times of the night.  I block her calls and texts sometimes. She goes into hysterics if I don't answer her promptly.  

This is a common issue for co-parents -- it comes up a lot on the Coparenting board.

Texting can really dramatize the challenges people with BPD have with boundaries (as in, she has none). Her intense need to avoid feeling emptiness and loneliness in the moment will feel unbearable, and texting is one way she manages this.

When my BPD loved one is in this kind of mood state, she will text dozens of people. Anyone she can, any hour of the day/night.

It sounds like you are 80 percent you do not want your ex to rent space in your head. 20 percent kinda wants it.

You can roll that back by getting clear with yourself how much contact and when, starting with boundaries around texting/email. This is a boundary for you.

Lots of coparents have boundaries to drop texting altogether, unless it's an emergency. Email only. For those of us who struggled with boundaries, email tended to diminish the frantic urgent feeling that can be so destabilizing, especially when you are healing and getting clarity.

Is that something you can imagine doing?