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Author Topic: Is there a time during the day that things feel worse ...  (Read 1083 times)
tlc232
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« on: April 18, 2018, 09:48:35 PM »

I don't know exactly why... .but when the sun starts to wane and set, I feel the worst over the loss of companionship and trying to stay strong and keep on going -- routinely.   I'm not sure if it has to do with the sun's position, the end of the day, or just the time you normally come in from work and when you may have had some time together that is missing. 

If you have -- any suggestions on how to get it to stop?   Change the routine perhaps... .   It lasts about an hour or two and then it dissipates. 

It is definitely related to dwelling on the place that I am right now and not completely liking any of the options!    Starting over yet again... .going back to where I was is a non-starter... .blah. 
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« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2018, 12:58:26 AM »

Hello, tlc!

If you have -- any suggestions on how to get it to stop?   Change the routine perhaps... .   It lasts about an hour or two and then it dissipates.

I'm really sorry that you're being visited by the blues. You know, I went through this same thing recently. To get out of the blahs, I immersed myself in a tedious project. Now, I'm renovating all the exterior window casings in a 104-year old house and putting up storm windows... .one by one. It takes me about a month to get just ONE window casing done: scraping away the old paint, mildew, and crud, and then painting and caulking, and then hanging and painting the storm windows. I listen to audiobooks as I go and drink a gallon of coffee as the birds chirp overhead and the squirrels play, and let me tell you... .not only do my windows look great, I feel SO MUCH BETTER. I've done 5 thus far, and have 10 more to go!

Really. What do you see around your dwelling that needs a little TLC? Smiling (click to insert in post)

ALSO, THERE'S SELF CARE TO KEEP IN MIND:
Are you getting enough rest?
Do you get intentional exercise everyday?
Are you getting enough protein everyday?

Talk to me. We'll figure this out.


-Speck
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« Reply #2 on: April 19, 2018, 09:28:48 AM »

It is definitely related to dwelling on the place that I am right now and not completely liking any of the options!

Would you say that you're feeling anxiety?
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« Reply #3 on: April 19, 2018, 09:36:41 AM »

Hey TLC,

I'm going to echo Speck about finding a tedious project. I found that for me, at first, the only thing that worked during these moments was distraction, which typically meant getting my hands on something. I even took up whittling recently and bought a knot tying manual with some paracord to keep my hands busy. Odd, I know, but the ritual helped.

I felt it at first first thing in the morning, because we had a morning routine that meant a lot to me. I've found myself checking the boards when I wake up or I press play on an audiobook as I fumble out of bed.

I was starting to feel it more recently at night, before bed (I've been really busy lately, so this is the only time it can really creep in). So, I started a ritual for me at that time. I boil some hot water and pull out my tea set, then sit down to do some reading in one of my books for self-improvement (currently working slowly through "Boundaries". This time is for me, and while I so miss her, having some productive time towards radically accepting what's happening and working on myself has been an ok substitute for now.

I hear you about not liking any of your options. One thing I was told early on was to try to put some agency into those options. Choose something, even if it's a bad something, because all you have in front of you is bad choices. Choose one and own it. It's like picking up the troublesome scraggly dog at the pound and loving the hell out of it, whether it loves you back or not. My current living situation feels like that mangy smell unruly dog. But it's mine.
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tlc232
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« Reply #4 on: April 19, 2018, 08:50:32 PM »

Thank you, everyone --- there is a little bit of it in what each of you have responded ---


Really. What do you see around your dwelling that needs a little TLC? Smiling (click to insert in post)

ALSO, THERE'S SELF CARE TO KEEP IN MIND:
Are you getting enough rest?
Do you get intentional exercise everyday?
Are you getting enough protein everyday?


I love your idea of keeping busy this way -- I was just thinking (and this sounds crazy, but... .) of digging in this spring/summer and seeing if I can get the lawn into shape.   Not mowing, but trying to get the lawn (I'll start in one area so I'm not overwhelmed and run away!) in the right direction.   We had rebuilt a house from the ground up on the property, and now the lawn is the next logical step around it.  

My problem is that I have a business -- a very busy one... .and it literally sucks what little life I have left out of me  7 days a week.   I'm trying to figure out a way to get that area in balance as it really takes a lot and I'm starting to hate and resent it.   While it keeps me and my melancholy mind busy, it's not a positive busy like you talk about.  

Honestly -- on the other 3 questions --- NO, NO and NO... . I recently have been monitoring sleep patterns to see where I was at, and I am really not getting anything close to what I need (averaging 6 hrs... .and it's not all the best kind).  I am just getting into fixes in this area.    :)o you think it would make a difference in these areas?   I am sure yes... .   I swore with all the changes I was going through that this was the area that I was going to work on... .instead, I just plain work!

 
Would you say that you're feeling anxiety?

No... .not really anxiety at all.    Related to this feeling at this time of day it feels more like very heavy melancholy... .  very down.


I felt it at first first thing in the morning, because we had a morning routine that meant a lot to me. I've found myself checking the boards when I wake up or I press play on an audiobook as I fumble out of bed.

I was starting to feel it more recently at night, before bed (I've been really busy lately, so this is the only time it can really creep in). So, I started a ritual for me at that time. I boil some hot water and pull out my tea set, then sit down to do some reading in one of my books for self-improvement (currently working slowly through "Boundaries". This time is for me, and while I so miss her, having some productive time towards radically accepting what's happening and working on myself has been an ok substitute for now.

I hear you about not liking any of your options. One thing I was told early on was to try to put some agency into those options. Choose something, even if it's a bad something, because all you have in front of you is bad choices. Choose one and own it. It's like picking up the troublesome scraggly dog at the pound and loving the hell out of it, whether it loves you back or not. My current living situation feels like that mangy smell unruly dog. But it's mine.

I need to get that book too!  Heard a lot on it on another thread.   I do think you may be right now that I see this written down that it may be more about the time spent together... .  As I said earlier, my work is really busy so I am running from very early until I get home... .that time of the day may have been the only time that I really stopped and had that interaction time in my life.    Maybe it not being there now is why I feel and miss that highlight (and many "low lights"!).    There is a lot to what you said.  

I laughed out loud about the dog --- that is really me!  I have probably had 12 of them over the years... .am lucky to have 3 now -- all pound dogs.  They have really kept me sane and moving forward --- and also great company.  My Milo is a one eyed Heinz 57... .and I couldn't ask for more.   Great analogy, and I agree.        
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« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2018, 12:30:13 AM »

Dear tlc,

Perhaps, maybe incorporating just ONE new positive self-care thing into your schedule will start a new path to well-being.

I see that you are, indeed, busy as all get out, so more busy-work, even positive busy-work, is probably too much right now. Work/Life balance is a process.

So... .with that in mind, what if you were to allow yourself 30 minutes - 60 minutes extra sleep/day x 1 week, then reassess? I'm sure your body would LOVE it. It's possible that you're not giving your body ample time to repair itself (this only happens during rest  Bullet: important point (click to insert in post) restoration).

I am also noting that you've identified with lighthouse9's post about lost shared time. This could also explain the melancholy. I understand. I love to hike, bike, and anything outdoors. Everytime I contemplate going on an awesome hike in a beautiful location, I get sad because my former hiking buddy (uBPDxw) is gone. I think of all the awesome places and things we've seen over ten years and know it will never be the same without her. There's a rumor that it gets better with time, and I'm trusting that this is true.

Take care of YOU, tlc. This probably means more sleep!  Smiling (click to insert in post)


-Speck
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« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2018, 11:34:54 AM »

Hey TLC! It seems that time of day is difficult for many people... .I remember reading ":)avid Copperfield" by Charles Dickens, and one of the characters is sad and leaning with his head on the mantel, and he says, "I dread this mongrel time of day, neither day nor night."
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« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2018, 02:24:29 PM »

I spend my time as much as possible talking to and admiring women and its not the intent at the moment to start a new R/S because I want to get fully better first, but ive realised the more I do this it is reminding me of the outgoing person I used to be before this R/S and that i dont have to walk on eggshells with women, which starts to get programmed somehow when you live with pwBPD for 3 years. I feel when I interact and enjoy the good company, I dont even think of my ex. I did make an error in speaking about her briefly, that I had a relationship with someone with BPD and ended it, then they asked me what borderline is, and as I started to talk I felt uncomfortable because I was talking about my ex, who I had all but forgotten for the whole day, it was if my smile turned to nervousness and anxiety.

But thats ok, I know now just not to get into that conversation. but it does amaze me how memories can so easily influence emotions during the recall.
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« Reply #8 on: April 20, 2018, 07:02:23 PM »

Speck

Perhaps, maybe incorporating just ONE new positive self-care thing into your schedule will start a new path to well-being.

I know you are absolutely right --- and I do think starting on the sleep end will change my "down with a frown" perspective.  It has to help as I feel like I am struggling with keeping up.   Something has to give, and I don't want it to be my health.   

On the melancholy (ugh)... .  it is exactly as you say.  Almost to the point where I want to avoid everything I did so that it isn't emotionally uncomfortable.   I hope the same way you do that time will help heal that feeling.   That is the same with the lack of options... .  go back (and you all know what that means -- my exBPDSO is textbook on every BPD matter with a highlight on the really out of touch with anyone but my own survival and feelings area.  Go forward and hope that time will heal somehow.   I have started over once before (husband passed young with medical reasons).  I wonder if I can do this again somehow.    Do you ever feel like you are miserable either way so what is the path of least resistance?   I do when I'm beat (emotionally and physically).   But I keep moving forward praying for a better future. 

You always seem to have it together -- is there a secret... .besides eating, sleeping and exercising.    I am going to move in that direction.

 
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« Reply #9 on: April 20, 2018, 07:04:54 PM »

Hey TLC! It seems that time of day is difficult for many people... .I remember reading ":)avid Copperfield" by Charles Dickens, and one of the characters is sad and leaning with his head on the mantel, and he says, "I dread this mongrel time of day, neither day nor night."

Thank you --- I love your name... .  I hope I am in good company on this then!    I may try to check the boards at this time to bolster the spirit.   
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« Reply #10 on: April 20, 2018, 07:09:43 PM »

I spend my time as much as possible talking to and admiring women and its not the intent at the moment to start a new R/S because I want to get fully better first, but ive realised the more I do this it is reminding me of the outgoing person I used to be before this R/S and that i dont have to walk on eggshells with women, which starts to get programmed somehow when you live with pwBPD for 3 years. I feel when I interact and enjoy the good company, I dont even think of my ex. I did make an error in speaking about her briefly, that I had a relationship with someone with BPD and ended it, then they asked me what borderline is, and as I started to talk I felt uncomfortable because I was talking about my ex, who I had all but forgotten for the whole day, it was if my smile turned to nervousness and anxiety.

But thats ok, I know now just not to get into that conversation. but it does amaze me how memories can so easily influence emotions during the recall.

I'm glad you mentioned this --- I used to be too... .but 14 years of a controlling and very jealous person did change that for me also and I'm trying to regroup and do the same.   I felt the same way on the r/s end and liken it to the same -- wanting to work on ME and my happiness settled first before trying again.     I had talked to someone just the other day that is divorced/single and was looking for a partner and he was so (paraphrasing!) "I want someone to make me happy" that I couldn't even listen to it.    Make yourself happy!   I'm done with those days.  

I like your style... .and hopefully we will both be back and good at it again soon.   Smiling (click to insert in post)  

I do hate people asking about your past... .it's like your personal life resume and I'd rather leave that box out than even begin to explain it.   "well... .he had this mental illness and went off the deep end... .again and again".     blah.   I thought about making things up one time... .for the people that are just on the fringe.   The drycleaner... .the local store and restaurant... .  "Where is Mr. XXX these days?"... .  "He hit the lottery and left me to live in France"... ."He has agoraphobia and won't leave the house anymore... ."... .  nothing positive about them, of course!     But if you leave it out, then there is something you are trying to hide.    An odd thing to deal with, for sure.   
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« Reply #11 on: April 20, 2018, 07:17:28 PM »

Speck

I forgot to add that I did download this nifty online app on the tablet -- "Calm" --- I adore it.   I have a story waiting for me every night to listen and fall asleep to and some are just fantastic because they paint a picture of an adventure or travel or history... .variety.   It's meditation based... .but I love how it's like a different topic that comes up.    So I'll just have to listen to it an hour earlier tonight (haha)... .  !     It is just great overall.   I'm sure others here are users too.  If not, I highly recommend the free 7 day trial.    A friend of mine had suggested to calm my brain before bed.     
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« Reply #12 on: April 21, 2018, 06:58:08 AM »

I'm glad you mentioned this --- I used to be too... .but 14 years of a controlling and very jealous person did change that for me also and I'm trying to regroup and do the same.   I felt the same way on the r/s end and liken it to the same -- wanting to work on ME and my happiness settled first before trying again.     I had talked to someone just the other day that is divorced/single and was looking for a partner and he was so (paraphrasing!) "I want someone to make me happy" that I couldn't even listen to it.    Make yourself happy!   I'm done with those days.  

I like your style... .and hopefully we will both be back and good at it again soon.   Smiling (click to insert in post)  

I do hate people asking about your past... .it's like your personal life resume and I'd rather leave that box out than even begin to explain it.   "well... .he had this mental illness and went off the deep end... .again and again".     blah.   I thought about making things up one time... .for the people that are just on the fringe.   The drycleaner... .the local store and restaurant... . "Where is Mr. XXX these days?"... . "He hit the lottery and left me to live in France"... ."He has agoraphobia and won't leave the house anymore... ."... . nothing positive about them, of course!     But if you leave it out, then there is something you are trying to hide.    An odd thing to deal with, for sure.  

 

The thing is I will be open and honest if people ask me or show an interest, and if they decide to prematurely judge me for it, I see it that they have already self-screened themselves out of my life as unsuitable anyway, saves me doing so.

but one thing I wont do is gravitate again to people with too many mental disturbances, simply because i value a more healthier stable life and feel like ive seen as much as I wanted to and there is a price to pay for everything, even the heightened induced euphoria, it crashes just as much as it rises. Unfortunatly I am the sort of person always has been, that can go on public transport, and where there is a spare seat next to everyone else, im like a magnet for anyone who is a bit unhinged and they straight away tell me, unrequested, their life story and darkest secrets. My ex used to laugh about it when we went out, said I could "speak to anyone", I thought she was the same but it wasnt the same, she was mirroring. Ive actually tried this technique to see if it works, it does! it just felt really creepy to me.   I can imagine going for a date to the restaurant and ordering chicken aswell, even if I secretly hate it, but maybe change the side so as not to make it too obvious. When I started to see it more as comical and a bit sad, it took away a lot of the power out of it. I can still imagine that my ex will be incorporating stuff she picked up from me and plagiarising it into her new r/s, it feels strange to have had that influence.

im a firm believer that we become like the top 5 people who are in our lives the most, just like how my ex started to pick up many of my mannerisms, ways of thinking or talking and I also picked up hers (which made me ill eventually). Its why im far more shrewd and selective and would rather for the meantime be alone than to be with someone that could as much sabotage my recovery as much as make me progress. I realise that I met my ex when I was vulnerable, and whilst im recovering i still have that vulnerability. have already seen a few  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) s in some potential new R/S and erring on the side of caution these days.

In any case, i enjoy my own company and its been so important to reconnect with myself, coming from a R/S which had someone else as the focal point of attention. Have a great day, its nice outside here, would have to drag, plead and beg my ex to go for a walk along the beach. would be so happy for me, for her it just didnt have any chaos or drama in sand and water. Oh well shes lucky I never buried her one day, along with her phone full of unblocked exs  Smiling (click to insert in post) I was so close to smashing that phone to smithereens, I still wonder how I kept myself together, patience of a saint 
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« Reply #13 on: April 21, 2018, 12:44:03 PM »

tlc232, twilight is a beautiful time of day, but always feels melancholy.  If it’s been a great day, then the twilight signals an end to it. This is especially true for me on Sundays because it’s the end of the weekend.

For me, when I come home from work in the late afternoon, I am most vulnerable because I am usually tired and hungry. So that’s probably the worst time of day for me.   It’s a good idea to start a new ritual.  I think I will do that.  What could be a good after workday ritual?  One thing I do is to take my shoes off and replace with comfortable house slippers, the soft and fuzzy kind.
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« Reply #14 on: April 21, 2018, 12:53:23 PM »

Here’s the rest of my post -

For me, when I come home from work in the late afternoon, I am most vulnerable because I am usually tired and hungry. So that’s probably the worst time of day for me.   It’s a good idea to start a new ritual.
You cracked me up, when you thought of good answers when people ask, “Where’s the husband? “. That is such a funny idea.

I think I will check out the calm app.  

One thing that I am doing (when I remember and I am trying to make it a habit). Is being mindful.  I have a cozy comforter and pillow And when I wake up in the morning it just feels luxurious.  I can enjoy the moment and stretch.  Also, I changed up my coffee set up.  I bought a glass pour over so i can make a cup of great coffee instead of a pot of so so coffee.  

We can get caught up in our sad feelings and miss the delicious moments that abound.  Yesterday, I was walking through the grocery store parking lot, pondering my troubles, and almost ignored  this wonderful cool breeze that was happening.  

And I am also running, not walking, away from anyone looking for someone to make them happy.  Maybe they should hire a clown, or better yet, a therapist.

Blessings and Peace, Mustbe
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« Reply #15 on: April 21, 2018, 02:59:14 PM »

Here’s the rest of my post -

For me, when I come home from work in the late afternoon, I am most vulnerable because I am usually tired and hungry. So that’s probably the worst time of day for me.   It’s a good idea to start a new ritual.
You cracked me up, when you thought of good answers when people ask, “Where’s the husband? “. That is such a funny idea.

I think I will check out the calm app.  

One thing that I am doing (when I remember and I am trying to make it a habit). Is being mindful.  I have a cozy comforter and pillow And when I wake up in the morning it just feels luxurious.  I can enjoy the moment and stretch.  Also, I changed up my coffee set up.  I bought a glass pour over so i can make a cup of great coffee instead of a pot of so so coffee.  

We can get caught up in our sad feelings and miss the delicious moments that abound.  Yesterday, I was walking through the grocery store parking lot, pondering my troubles, and almost ignored  this wonderful cool breeze that was happening.  

And I am also running, not walking, away from anyone looking for someone to make them happy.  Maybe they should hire a clown, or better yet, a therapist.

Blessings and Peace, Mustbe

I like how you described the cool breeze and the coffee could really visualise it. Are you a fan of tea by any chance? I do love coffee but it really made me wired and as a result can exaggerate any underlying anxiety, which I had. I noticed a huge difference cutting it out. it was a vicious cycle though, slee p deprived, needing to work, surviving on coffee, but coffee as a stimulant heightening blood pressure and anxiety. Im going to stock up on some camomile tea for any weak moments, it is under appreciated but highly effective as an anti anxiety.

Anyway I really liked you saying about running away from people who use you as a source of happiness, ive always been one of those people who seems to initiate and try to perk up peoples moods. I see it at work all the time but it can get draining. ive found myself sitting amongst 8 people and they look and are so depressed, they straight away prompt me to find something to say to fill the dull moments. I actually said to one of them, you do realise im not a clown (in a funny way) im actually starting to consciously notice this and more important stop trying to. Its why my relationship with my BPDx lasted so long, regardless of what state she was in, and she got very depressed and somber, even crying, I could change her to laughing with little effort. But what about me? I did so much, but rarely felt anyone thinking to do something for me. I once asked a family member and they said "youve always been so independent, strong and never ask for anything". Well, thanks, but that doesnt mean to say I wouldnt appreciate having something done for me once in awhile.

I realise that a lot of so called "friends", just used for me company, to fill in the moments of a dull day. My BPDx as well.

Another told me that I am their "upper" as if to say, im the equivalent of taking a few prosac.

All just parasitic emotional users, I will take your advice and run away, i mean that thanks. Smiling (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #16 on: April 21, 2018, 03:26:00 PM »

Hi Cromwell,

I usually drink one or two cups of coffee early in the morning before work.  I like tea.  I have been testing out some herbal teas.  One that works for me is “Sleepytime Tea”. It camomile and valerian root.  It really is relaxing at nighttime.  There are other brands like “Get Your Zzzzs” etc.  I like reading all the different tea names on the tea aisle.  I guess i’m easily entertained.  I wonder if there is a wonderfully assertive one - DBT?  Ha ha

On your other point, I am usually the strong and steady one in my family and at work.  But, something I have noticed about myself is that I am not very receptive to help from others.  My mom used to tell me that my first sentence was, “I will do it myself.”  And I guess I have been.  I have a few wonderful friends and a grown daughter who have been offering help and support.  I notice that it’s not easy to accept.  I think I have a hard time admitting vulnerability.  But, when I do allow them inside a little, it strengthens our relationship.  So that’s something about me.

What teas are your favorites? 
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« Reply #17 on: April 21, 2018, 04:12:54 PM »

Hi Cromwell,

I usually drink one or two cups of coffee early in the morning before work.  I like tea.  I have been testing out some herbal teas.  One that works for me is “Sleepytime Tea”. It camomile and valerian root.  It really is relaxing at nighttime.  There are other brands like “Get Your Zzzzs” etc.  I like reading all the different tea names on the tea aisle.  I guess i’m easily entertained.  I wonder if there is a wonderfully assertive one - DBT?  Ha ha

On your other point, I am usually the strong and steady one in my family and at work.  But, something I have noticed about myself is that I am not very receptive to help from others.  My mom used to tell me that my first sentence was, “I will do it myself.”  And I guess I have been.  I have a few wonderful friends and a grown daughter who have been offering help and support.  I notice that it’s not easy to accept.  I think I have a hard time admitting vulnerability.  But, when I do allow them inside a little, it strengthens our relationship.  So that’s something about me.
iWhat teas are your favorites?  

hiya, i must admit, im starting to actually enjoy having other people do things for me, i never realised how much nicer it can make life and have no idea why I didnt do it before. I even get money randomly put in my bank account its great  Smiling (click to insert in post)

As for teas, i found them powerful help to my recovery, and used to just dismiss it as some hippy stuff. i dont really have any favourites, i used them mostly as medicinal help and avoid caffeine where possible, (which is inmost of the most popular teas, of which if I had to choose I like Earl Grey).

Golden Rod tea ive used for losing weight, it is a diuretic, and appetite suppressant.
fennel tea is also an appetite suppressent and i love the taste it is like liquorice but not overpoweringly sweet.
nettle tea for feel refreshed and great against allergies, also helps urination.
camomile tea for stress, as ive said
Rose Hip tea to assist digestion, i take it after each meal.
Ginger tea if i ever feel nausea, its excellent for this.

I do miss coffee and ive heard it also is good for you in moderation, but i try everything to get my blood pressure down, it is still 10bpm above what it should be. I have no idea what it was when I was with my ex but i when I started to get given beta blockers by my doctor, in an otherwise very healthy person, I knew i had to start looking after myself. and teas have became central to my chill out strategy,  I used to think "tea is for the weak"   im converted now and Teas are highly recommended,  Bullet: completed (click to insert in post)

have you found any personal favourites. you got me thinking about green tea for the first morning fresh start, anti cancer too, can have it with my cigarette should cancel it out  

interested if youve found any you like ill definatly try.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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Speck
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« Reply #18 on: April 21, 2018, 06:32:58 PM »

You always seem to have it together -- is there a secret... . besides eating, sleeping and exercising. I am going to move in that direction.

Ha... .no, there is no secret, but I will tell you, I had a much worse viscerally gutted experience the third time my uBPDxw walked away from our marriage. She left me for an entire summer just crying and tripping over her stuff (she used me as short-term storage). Because I was surrounded by her things in an empty house for four months, the grief was magnified.  At the end of that summer, we reconciled. Then, two years went by (with no relationship work on her part), and she left me for good, finally filing for divorce (two days after she completed an advanced degree).

So... .I think I've had a two year head start on grieving this woman. I see that she reconciled to gain additional financial support while she finished her degree, and that her leaving me again was planned. Now, that I understand this, I've decided to just focus on myself and what lead me marry a woman this broken. It must be because I am broken, too.

Part of taking good care of myself involves making sure that I am in therapy, seeking new experiences and friendships, active with this community (bpdfamily), exercising every day, getting adequate rest, no vices, stimulating my mind (audiobooks), eating nutritious food, bathing everyday, maintaining old friendships, etc.

For the most part, I'm winning. I know it's cliché, but I just keep doing what works. I truly am feeling better every day. The future is beginning to seem hopeful again, and I'm starting to wonder what's around the corner.

And... .THANK YOU for the suggestion to check out Calm - that sounds like a Pro Tip!

Thank you also for reading this long-winded reply, and I hope some of it resonates with you. If you can, I think it's a very good idea for you to tune in here during the "melancholy hours." Surround yourself with support. We're here for you.


-Speck
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« Reply #19 on: April 21, 2018, 09:58:25 PM »

Cromwell and Mustbe ---  you hit the nail on a head in a couple areas of your exchange (sadly, not the tea!  haha).   The part about being the person that everyone leans on -- same here.   So much so that I've gotten into the habit of screaming "I AM NOT YOUR SAFETY NET" at our weekly staff meetings.    Well -- screaming it in my head at least... .but it is frustrating to be that person everyone depends upon.   You may have hit on a very important commonality though --- do they find us because of seeing this trait?  It cannot be a coincidence.    Do our BPD partners see as as organizers and doers... .so they latch on and eventually suck the life right out of us with it?    That is where I was before the shoe dropped. 

And also --- letting people help.  I am getting better at that (look at us getting people to do something!) too, but part of mine is simply being very overwhelmed at times.    I feel myself saying it a lot  -"I am so overwhelmed... .".

A ton of great advice from both.   I am going to definitely take you both up on the input... .especially the fuzzy slippers!      
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tlc232
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« Reply #20 on: April 22, 2018, 10:56:36 AM »

Ha... .no, there is no secret, but I will tell you, I had a much worse viscerally gutted experience the third time my uBPDxw walked away from our marriage. She left me for an entire summer just crying and tripping over her stuff (she used me as short-term storage). Because I was surrounded by her things in an empty house for four months, the grief was magnified.  At the end of that summer, we reconciled. Then, two years went by (with no relationship work on her part), and she left me for good, finally filing for divorce (two days after she completed an advanced degree).

So... .I think I've had a two year head start on grieving this woman. ... .

Speck ---  wow... . three times.   Once has about killed me.  I don't know how you did it.   How long were you together overall?   Was it her overall issues (BPD type symptoms -- anger, victimization, etc) or was it the walking out repeatedly that made you finally put a nail in it?  

My unexBPDSO was textbook -- he checked all of the boxes ... .except I couldn't see who the other person.   In all honesty and fairness, in the last few years, I would daydream about him running off with someone else.  I know it sounds horrible and it wasn't a daily thing.  But often I would just daydream that I would be free of the guilt and dealing with coming home to an angry, never happy judgmental person if he could just find the next person.    No deal... .or so I thought.    

He never really "left" as in more than the typical "I didn't love him and do enough or pay for enough" kind of normal daily tantrum.   But I was so tired of the behavior of a two-year old.   When he had the very violent tantrum last Oct... .enough was enough.   Locks changed and boundaries set.    We saw very little of each other and when we did on only several occasions, he would yell "don't you see this is terminal"... .and I really would not engage in the drama.   Always drama.    His main goal,  you see, was that he found out that I was successful in a pending lawsuit that was ongoing when he got the boot... .and he wanted all of the spoils.    I did all the work and paid the lawyers, but he wanted the results of it (it was a builder who did a lot of things wrong).   No chance.  

When he found out that I wasn't listening - then he went off again.   No response -- the silent treatment was then imposed again.   I found that I liked them.   But then at Easter, he woke up and realized that he wasn't a good person and had this "epiphany" as he described it.   He wanted to start a new leaf/life and life was too short to be angry... .all those "feel good" things.   But then I got these drunken, angry texts from some married woman in the area... . telling me to "rethink" my talking to her guy.    Pictures (yes, the married woman sent me pictures of them both together... .that should tell you something) and accusations of staying away from him --- they had been an item for the past 1-2 years (!).    I just blocked it.    I wasn't even angry except for the threat to share my personal issues all over town (thanks to my ex -- and I'm not part of this drama) and come to my house to make sure I understood.    That made me mad.   That issue is their issue -- not mine.   It also isn't part of my "healing".     Surprisingly (or not), my ex was mortally "shamed" and wounded about the exposure ----- more lies... .more excuses.  I don't even remember listening as I've been disengaged for a bit.   BUT, the surprising thing was that he was mainly upset because I was NOT upset over it.   He called that his "aha" moment and proved to him that I didn't care about our relationship.   That said a lot.   So much for the Easter rebirth.

So along I go --- the melancholy was far before all of this drama, so not related.   I miss something ... .companionship and good company... .but not the person and not the drama at all.    He is right though... .the fact that it didn't make me angry (it actually gave me closure!) says volumes.

That wounding and desire for forgiveness did allow me to finally get all of my things returned (emotional things -- pictures and family items) and separated.   He showed up a week later still wondering if there was any chance.  

This too shall pass... .     


          
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