Exhausted with a side of mild hopelessness

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello Community. After 12 years I have now started into the divorce process and am questioning my capacity to get through all of this while striving to be a good dad. BPD-Jekyl/Hyde-Wife is an emotional terrorist who somehow operates in the shadows so that I have hardly known what has happened to me until after the damage is done. I am not as naive and slow as at the beginning of our relationship. Back then, the threats were overt--if you do X, then I will kill my self, if you do Y then I will divorce you, etc. I am blown away that I did not see this for what it was back then. I even chuckle to my self on occasion (when the wounds aren't aching) about how crazy those years were. I thought to my self back then, "Gee, I guess marriage really is hard. I knew it was going to be challenging, but had no idea it would be this difficult." It was 5 years before I was alerted to the fact that my experience was not normal.
While the extreme threats eventually faded away and have hardly manifested explicitly over the past few years, the undercurrent and root dynamic is ever present: mean looks, nasty comments, purposeful lack of support, put-downs, fits of rage, false narratives, false accusations, contention at nearly all times, etc. So, now it is just a bit less obvious and sophisticated. Given all that, I do wonder sometimes how much of the present dynamic is garden-variety marriage dynamics and how much is still just fruits of the poisonous tree. Whatever the answer is, it is miserable. 
For the most part, I see it for what it is now and am not as blind-sided by it as at the beginning. Sadly, though, this is partly a function of having become jaded. I now struggle to think the best of people and to trust others. I feel like I wasted the best years of my life holding on to hope that she would finally change and give up on the manipulation and tyranny. Indeed, something did change, but that was in me: I am no longer willing to put up with the abuse and crazy-making.
Some people may characterize this as an emergence of self-respect. Yet, it feels to me more like giving up hope, and deciding to move on with my life. I don't think it is a coincidence that as I am detaching from the abusive relationship that at the same time there are multiple parts of my life where the joy had been killed or nearly so and that are now coming back to life. I am thankful for this.
Still, the present experience of separating and putting up permanent boundaries (i.e. divorce) is taxing and somewhat frightening. I shudder to think that I will have to continue to interact with my ex for at least the next decade likely on a regular basis. Will this nightmare ever end?
At an even more fundamental level, I wonder whether I will ever be able to love again. While that statement is too absolute, it does reflect the pain and uncertainty. There are colors of inability to trust, deep anger, betrayal, worthlessness, etc.
I like endurance activities, but so far no amount of running or rowing has been able to remove these strongholds. Perhaps exercise has helped, but the experience of relief feels quite temporary. My other hobbies and passions have also been sources of relief, and these seem to have more substance to them in terms of facilitating the healing of the deep scars in my heart.
Even my work has been more enjoyable recently. I am trying to view all of these things in a positive light, but that is hard in light of the present pain. 
God is at work on these things, and I know I have to be patient. This impossibly hard reality was formed over 12 years, and so it is likely (perhaps rather, certainly) unreasonable of me to expect that it would all resolve in a matter of weeks or months. At present, I have to focus on getting through this split and doing so in a way that minimizes wounds to my kids. May God be with us all, and particularly so with BPDs as they are sick people.
Thanks for reading.
Cheers! 
 

[Rike]

Hello Community. After 12 years I have now started into the divorce process and am questioning my capacity to get through all of this while striving to be a good dad. BPD-Jekyl/Hyde-Wife is an emotional terrorist who somehow operates in the shadows so that I have hardly known what has happened to me until after the damage is done. I am not as naive and slow as at the beginning of our relationship. Back then, the threats were overt--if you do X, then I will kill my self, if you do Y then I will divorce you, etc. I am blown away that I did not see this for what it was back then. I even chuckle to my self on occasion (when the wounds aren't aching) about how crazy those years were. I thought to my self back then, "Gee, I guess marriage really is hard. I knew it was going to be challenging, but had no idea it would be this difficult." It was 5 years before I was alerted to the fact that my experience was not normal.
While the extreme threats eventually faded away and have hardly manifested explicitly over the past few years, the undercurrent and root dynamic is ever present: mean looks, nasty comments, purposeful lack of support, put-downs, fits of rage, false narratives, false accusations, contention at nearly all times, etc. So, now it is just a bit less obvious and sophisticated. Given all that, I do wonder sometimes how much of the present dynamic is garden-variety marriage dynamics and how much is still just fruits of the poisonous tree. Whatever the answer is, it is miserable. 
For the most part, I see it for what it is now and am not as blind-sided by it as at the beginning. Sadly, though, this is partly a function of having become jaded. I now struggle to think the best of people and to trust others. I feel like I wasted the best years of my life holding on to hope that she would finally change and give up on the manipulation and tyranny. Indeed, something did change, but that was in me: I am no longer willing to put up with the abuse and crazy-making.
Some people may characterize this as an emergence of self-respect. Yet, it feels to me more like giving up hope, and deciding to move on with my life. I don't think it is a coincidence that as I am detaching from the abusive relationship that at the same time there are multiple parts of my life where the joy had been killed or nearly so and that are now coming back to life. I am thankful for this.
Still, the present experience of separating and putting up permanent boundaries (i.e. divorce) is taxing and somewhat frightening. I shudder to think that I will have to continue to interact with my ex for at least the next decade likely on a regular basis. Will this nightmare ever end?
At an even more fundamental level, I wonder whether I will ever be able to love again. While that statement is too absolute, it does reflect the pain and uncertainty. There are colors of inability to trust, deep anger, betrayal, worthlessness, etc.
I like endurance activities, but so far no amount of running or rowing has been able to remove these strongholds. Perhaps exercise has helped, but the experience of relief feels quite temporary. My other hobbies and passions have also been sources of relief, and these seem to have more substance to them in terms of facilitating the healing of the deep scars in my heart.
Even my work has been more enjoyable recently. I am trying to view all of these things in a positive light, but that is hard in light of the present pain. 
God is at work on these things, and I know I have to be patient. This impossibly hard reality was formed over 12 years, and so it is likely (perhaps rather, certainly) unreasonable of me to expect that it would all resolve in a matter of weeks or months. At present, I have to focus on getting through this split and doing so in a way that minimizes wounds to my kids. May God be with us all, and particularly so with BPDs as they are sick people.
Thanks for reading.
Cheers! 
 

[Mutt]

Hi Rike,  



Thanks for joining us!

BPD-Jekyl/Hyde-Wife is an emotional terrorist who somehow operates in the shadows so that I have hardly known what has happened to me until after the damage is done.

Walking on eggshells is not a comfortable experience.

I am blown away that I did not see this for what it was back then.

Don't be hard on yourself, you're not a doctor that can diagnose a PD. BPD shares many traits with other mental illnesses, it can be difficult for an expert to detect, often it can be misdiagnosed for BiP.

I now struggle to think the best of people and to trust others. I feel like I wasted the best years of my life holding on to hope that she would finally change and give up on the manipulation and tyranny.

I can relate with feeling hyper vigilant and scanning for potential threats. Think about this way, how many people in your life time have you met that put you through an emotional barrage like your ex? With the experience under your belt, do you think that you'd detect that there's something not right a lot sooner? My point is, I understand that it's difficult to see now with how difficult it is day to day, bar none it's one of the most difficult life experiences that I went through.

This impossibly hard reality was formed over 12 years, and so it is likely (perhaps rather, certainly) unreasonable of me to expect that it would all resolve in a matter of weeks or months.

That sounds right but the nightmare will end probably sooner than you realize, it's difficult to see the road ahead when you're in this kind of pain, you're not alone, many of us have walked a mile in your shoes and made it to the other side, were here to support you through this. There is hope, hang in there.

[ozmatoz]

Welcome Rike, I too am at the threshold of divorce of 17 year (11 married).  It sucks in every way possible.  The insults, the threats, I too am finally waking up and realizing everything but still struggle to not take all the blame.  Its hard with kids, I look at them and they love me, I love them, and while my D16 knows there is trouble, neither kid knows the real truth behind the scenes.  I know getting divorced will be hell and she'll tell them whatever story she wants... .

Today she told me she can't wait to tell the girls we are getting divorced.  I can't wait to tell them I am going to upgrade their dad.

Hang in there, stay on these boards.  There have been many that have reached out and continue to help me.

best of luck
-Oz

[Rike]

Thanks for the encouragement. 
The past week she has mostly has gone over-the-top in terms of being sweet and gentle. It is textbook pattern behavior to lure me back. I think she is afraid of losing the 'dog to kick' whenever she wants.
It sucks to see it for what it is. In particular, I am annoyed that part of me wants to believe this would be any different than the last 1000 times this pattern has happened. It seems the chaos within my ex was a contagion that spread to me and caused all kinds of damage and confusion.
I am really hoping/looking-forward-to my heart and mind regaining order and clarity.
This site has been a lifeline: Reading all the posts and realizing that I am not the only soul on earth dealing with the B.S. that flows from BPD. I had felt so alone before. Glad to be here.