I've been reading a lot of material the last few days regarding life with a borderline, and while restless last night I read many posts on here. I'm really glad I found this page
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My family is concerned I'll end up back with her, mainly.
I've come to realize I was in an incredibly codependent relationship with her, it started off normal but somewhere along the line everything got strange.
I met her as my former relationship of 7 years was ending. She was a co-worker. She immeaditly became very interested in me. Doing things that now seem strange but at the time felt alluring. She was " a kindred spirit " , lots of big flowery terms and tons of affection. I ate it up. It felt... Weird, too over the top. But I think I was hurt and needed to feel special. The woman I was with immeaditly before her had left me after carrying out a prolonged affair with a man we both knew, I knew I was in no place for a new relationship so I know in a sense I brought this on my self.
She told me endlessly that I deserved better, etc.
By the first time she took off on me things had gotten pretty bad. Honey moon phase was over. She got so upset, over so many things, often. I tried everything I could think of. I read tons of articles on communication and relationship help , tried to address all the things that must be wrong with me.
I ended up relapsing , I'm an alchoholic, and though the number of times I was severely intoxicated where limited I started getting buzzed pretty much daily. It helped in dealing with the anxiety, I'm not trying to make excuses for my drinking , but honestly I couldn't give her up but more and more I couldn't handle the stress and constant conflict.
She self harmed if I "made" her feel she'd " failed me ". Or exploded and took off for hours. I knew my drinking was a factor and felt obligated to stay and somehow fix our relationship.
When she left my life was in ruins. I'm not putting the blame on her, if anything I should have noticed that something was off. Should have been more responsible.
We lost our house, we'd known we had to move. We agreed to both save money to get into a new home being that houses in the area are very expensive. We did walk through on rentals, finally picked one right as time was running out in our current home. Went to apply for it... .she had no money saved. Nothing. I had a good nest egg but still to little to fund a move. She was furious at me that I was up set. " the two us together is what matters " , we could live in a tent if we needed to, she'd save money this time, etc.
She left shortly after we lost the house, I'd spent almost all my funds paying for hotels for us to live in. For restaurants because she was getting depressed and needed to eat out.
I'm rambling. I'm sorry.
She's had a profoundly negative effect on my life time and time again. But when she pops up out of the blue I for some reason rush to accept her back.
I'm really tired of it. It crushes me every time she leaves. There's never a real reason or even one at all. She lied so much. She's been unfaithful. Shes made me feel like a worm.
But up until now I've some how romanticized the whole mess and taken her back. But I've started noticing the patterns in how she works. Noticing how she tries to bait me into contacting her just so she can ignore or lash out at me for some perceived offense. Or tell me she loves me then the next day behave angry or cruel or dismissive.
I'm four months sober again and life's going okay, I think people in my life just don't understand why I've taken her back so many times. There's no one left, friend or family, that supports any idea of me going back to her.
I look forward to the days when it dosnt hurt to think about all of this.
I find it hard to talk negatively about her, feels like I'm betraying her or hurting her.
Onward and upward I guess.
