How quickly did you see behaviors change

[Stillholdinghope]

I was wondering if can people tell me how quickly they saw behavior change in their BPD significant other. For the past two months I have been using validation and mirroring and have seen a decrease in rages and when they happen, they resolve faster. I am uncertain if this is actual change or charming because we are currently living separately and I was contemplating divorce before I discovered BPD.

I also noticed that he is on to my validation. He says I'm "brainwashing" him or "not giving me anything." He will also not even let me speak sometimes. Yesterday he even raged a little with virtually nothing to validate. How do I increase variety in validation? I usually say "I can see how you wouldn't feel... ." and he has totally caught on to that.

Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Can you share some examples of times when validation worked for you and when it didn't work?

I know for my H, if I fail to be sincere in my validation, he will pick up on my inauthenticity and turn it against me. If I validate to shut him up, he knows. I don't know how he knows I don't mean it, but he does. If I begin to use language by wrote, he also picks up on it very quickly. I try to change things up a little more.

A couple of things I do when I don't know what to say is to
1) Ask him questions about what he is experiencing
2) Look for the emotion behind his words, remember a time when I've felt that way, and then validate that emotion.

Here's an example:
H is upset about his boss not treating him well.

Questions I might ask:
How does that make you feel?
How does that affect your wanting to work?
What would you like to see happen?
What does treating you well look like to you?

What is he really feeling?
I would remember a time that I have been treated badly by a boss and then empathize what I felt during that time. For myself I felt embarrassed, not good enough, unsure about my job, worried about interating with my boss in the future, etc. All of these things I could validate by saying:

"I know what that's like. When my boss treated me badly I felt embarrassed and like I wasn't a good employee. It hurts."

Here's a link to one of our workshops on some examples of validation. Could you read through those and then if you'd like, share a scenario of your own and we can all help you work through what to say.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

[Frankee]

I agree.  Sometimes it's not as easy as just saying... I understand how you feel... or I can see why you feel that way... etc... I get from him sometimes that I'm patronizing him, when I was not attempting too.  I honestly don't know if it is change or charming.  If you are unsure of which it is, don't allow him to push you into moving back in, or not filing for divorce unless you are 100% sure that he is actually wanting to really change.  It would be even harder moving back in or such before you were absolutely ready.

I live with my SO.  I do feel he is really wanting to change.  I can tell he is struggling with attempting to do better.  Yesterday he had an episode.  He got angry about something that went wrong.  I remained calm, made eye contact every now and then to let him know I was hearing him.  I wasn't able to calm him down before he left and he left pretty steamed.  Kept saying how he didn't want to feel this way, how he doesn't want to talk down to me anymore, he doesn't want the kids seeing it, tired of my lies and all the bs that came along with it.  Said he didn't want to be my husband, the kids dad, a brother anymore.  He kept saying he doesn't want to feel this way anymore.  Blamed me for everything and making him feel that way.  I didn't spew the same normal responses I usually spout.  Actually, played out the same conversation we always have to him.  Said that I'm sorry for being quiet, but I am not sure how to respond.  He stormed out saying that he was doing what he knows I love for him to do best is to leave.  I didn't chase him or wave by to him like I normally do.

He texted later, saying the same things that he doesn't know what to do anymore, doesn't want to feel this way.  I sat there and thought about it.  Instead of doing my normal stupid it will be better, it will work out nonsense, I told him he is not the only one that feels this way.  I was not saying it to be mean or sarcastic (because I knew he would take it that way) and I was just being honest.  Of course, he replied that great, we were on the same page that it was over and he was going to move out.  Told him that I don't want honest feeling meaning it's over, but that he wasn't alone in feeling like that.  I'm always going to look for a brighter future, but that doesn't mean I'm not feeling hopeless right now.  And yes I said hopeless, but I'm not going to let it define me and always be like this.  Nothing is set in stone unless you make it that way and I'm not going too.  I'm going to feel it, not ignore it, and then let go, find the strength to pick myself up, and get back to doing what needs to be done.  Even if I do it in a train wreck sort of way, going to keep trying.  He just saying he doesn't want to feel this way anymore.

Really didn't talk the rest of the day.  I even thought that what I asked him to do today wasn't going to get done because he wanted to put it all on me.  He is however.  Doing what he thought was so stupid yesterday to get the car to pass inspection, told him about a due date, as well as where to go to submit the payment for auto renewal.  I don't know if my honest conversation about my feelings had anything to do with him functioning like a normal person today or if he did it on his own.  I find that I'm trying harder to focus on the emotion and feelings behind the words.  I know he's fighting an internal battle and I may not say the right things a lot of the times, but I know that I need to keep being honest and truthful, because that is the one thing he asks of me.  We have a lot of healing to do.  We're just trying to give each other time.

[itsnotmyfaultanymore]

Be careful with these two... .I've found they can very easily come across as INvailidating

"I understand how you feel... or I can see why you feel that way"

instead try something like:

"I can see you are angry/agitated/upset" (try to beast choose the feeling they are expressing).

The fact is you don't may not ever understand how deeply they "feel" - their "feeling" is so much more intense. They  don't believe anyone could possibly understand. 

[Frankee]

The last post... Prime example of today.  They Think nobody knows how deeply the feel.  Long story short... I had to run errands today.  The car inspection failed.  Then when I said "we"... Told him I took the baby and his brother because his brother asked.  He got mad.  Dropped them off to go run more errands.  He got mad.  Said he ever said to take them or to drop them off.  I wasn't an inconvenience and took 5-10 to drop them off.  He said why can you never listen, you can never do as I tell you, how come you always change or add things... Then the blame... Everything and I mean everything that went wrong was my fault.  Even went as far as saying it was my fault that the car failed.  Even when I tried to go somewhere like he told me... Because I dropped off the baby and brother... He got furious because he never told me too... .And yet he screamed at me for taking them in the first place.  The continued that if I hadn't dropped them off... I would of already been at my second destination... Literally 5-10 mins took to drop them off even though he said 15 mins... It didn't matter... For the fact I was not told to do it... It was my fault everything wasn't done and I didn't listen to anything he said.

I argued with him... Validated his feelings... Tried to "fix it" before he even to work and when I wasn't able to... He said he's going to stay mad.  Then said I'm not allowed to touch the finances, not responsible for paying the bills or anything else because I always get it wrong.  Then said since I can never do what he asks or told to do... From now on, he's going to do it to me to hurt me so I know how he feels.  If I ask him to go get some bread, he's going to sleep with some woman, and then say OK when I get upset and keep doing it.  I got to the point where honestly... I do not care.  yesterday was a good day.  We found a little town we liked, talked about the future... Blah blah blah.  Pipe dreams.   How am I supposed to get excited about what I thought we might have when he always gets this way.  He says he doesn't want a Stepford wife... But honestly, taking a look at everything, he does.  He wants me to mindlessly follow his every instruction or commands.  So you know what.  I'm going to let him have a crack a handle finances and everything since he seems to do a better job at it.  Let's see how long that lasts.