Sick and anxious

[Kelbel]

My uBPD partner has returned from holiday this morning. Before she went she didn't speak to me for two months. I had hoped she would have a lovely time with her sister and her family while away, gain some perspective, and return refreshed - and talking to me. My partner and her sister usually have a lovely, very close relationship, but apparently my partner was dreadful company while away, was rude, obnoxious and distant. It got to the point where I think her sister would be happy to wash her hands of my partner right now. I haven't seen my partner yet as she returned after I left for work but she has been in touch by email this morning regarding the arrangements with our dog walker. This is the conversation we have had:

Her: When I came back this morning the front door was on the latch, I assume that J had taken T out. Can I have her number as that is not acceptable. I will give her a weeks money and tell her that we don’t need her anymore. We need to rail in T’s costs anyway.

Me: I left the latch on when I went to the bin and must have forgotten to take it off. J must have left it as she found it.

Her: The key was on the floor in the cupboard and the code bit was on the table in the lounge. We need to let her go anyway, not only to save money but the initial idea of having her was to take T out at Lunch for a BM and to break up his day, I don’t see how her coming at 9am breaks up his day. Can we agree to let her go, If you agree, I will tell her.

Me: That’s very odd, and unusual for J. Pretty sure it was me that left the door on the latch though.

It's like she's come back and picked a fight over the first possible thing. My first instinct had been to enter in to a discussion, saying I disagreed with what she is saying about the arrangements. But I checked myself and decided not to get in to an argument. I replied quickly to my partner's emails so I know I didn't get it quite right in terms of SET etc but I'm glad I didn't get in to a debate. My last reply to her was about half an hour ago and I haven't heard back, so at least we are not rowing.

My stomach is churning though. When I found out how badly the holiday had gone - how my partner appears to have now pushed her sister (the person she loves most in the world) away - I knew things were highly unlikely to be good when she got back, but there was a glimmer of hope in me that they might be.

I know the dog walking things itself seems fairly trivial, but I am worried about where my partner is at. I know I am just supposed to look after myself and not focus on where my partner is at, but I am wondering what is next. The frightening thing is that if my partner doesn't care about her sister or what she thinks of her, she really doesn't give a f*** about anyone and I worry for how this will impact on how she conducts herself. It's like she wants to be alone in the world so she doesn't have to care about anyone or care what they think.

I feel sick and anxious. I don't know how much more I can take. I know it is within my control how I feel about this and I will try.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Kelbel]

One thing I'm finding hard is that, though our experiences in this relationship have left their mark, we were in quite a good place before this episode and my partner's behaviours had largely improved over the years so that, while there were aspects of my partner's behaviour (and my own) I didn't like, and there were still explosions of anger on my partner’s part, they were less frequent, and the silences had pretty much stopped. This is now the longest period of disengagement I have ever experienced from her.  

My partner and I have never addressed the underlying issues at all. When an episode is over we just get on with life as if nothing happened, and I've just been relieved the episode is over. The relationship has deteriorated as a result of what has happened though; my behaviour has changed in response to hers, and that has impacted on her opinion of me, and it has been a vicious circle of decline.

I can’t bear not knowing if this current situation will end, and if so when. It’s hard to accept there is nothing I can do to bring her out of it. And scary knowing she is alone in the world with only her distorted way of thinking as a guide for her behaviour.

[Tattered Heart]

I feel sick and anxious. I don't know how much more I can take. I know it is within my control how I feel about this and I will try.

This is how walking on egg shells starts. You "sense" that something is wrong and begin to change your behavior accordingly. Take a few breaths. Relax. Now, how are you feeling? What can you do to honor yourself with this feeling? Now what steps can you take to honor yourself?

[isilme]

I think you are right - the dog walker is not really the issue.  I encourage you to simply say, I'd rather discuss this in person, after work.

As for never addressing the underlying issues - this is not something you can usually just talk out - "honey, I think you have a coping dysfunction based possibly on a personality disorder along a spectrum of emotional disability that makes you take out frustration on me in a very unhealthy way.  Let's talk about that?"

Yeah - that's not going to work so well for most of us.  I try to tackle it day by day, - You are saying you are upset about (dog walking, insert item here).  I worry that you may also be upset about (work stress, unhappy sister visit, other cause, sounds to me like money).  How can I help with (whichever makes actual sense) / do you want to talk about (whichever makes the most sense). 

Stating that you don't feel the dog walker is really the issue, I'd make it more about money.  More about the recent visit.  Are there other stress issues that she may not talk about but you know could be weighing on her mind?  Tha she might be afraid to mention and so she puts all that emotion into something like a dog walker?  There's some smoke, but she may not really be talking about the real fire.  She just wants to vent her poor emotions and needs the fight to do it, so she may fixate on something NOT the real issue, partly to poke you into a fight so she can say you started it, and then get her chance to vent everything she can't manage internally. 

[Kelbel]

Thanks Tattered Heart and Isilme.

Yes, money is an issue presently. I gave notice at work recently, in order to work for myself so I can work flexibly between our home and my parents' home (they live on another island so I plan flying back and forth every week or so). She has vocalised that she thinks this is too financially risky and does not support my decision, and I have told her that I will not let this impact financially on her (I understand why she is still worried that it will, it IS a big risk, but very important to me to do it) and that I have to do what I think is right.

I think abandonment issues are present too, given that a significant tie to where we live (the 37.5 hour a week office job) will no longer be there. For me, while our relationship has been very turbulent, I am in no way using working in two locations as an exit strategy from her. I am actually doing this to help make our relationship work while I fulfil other obligations (to ageing parents with  complex health issues).

I love her so much.

[Tattered Heart]

Thanks Tattered Heart and Isilme.

Yes, money is an issue presently. I gave notice at work recently, in order to work for myself so I can work flexibly between our home and my parents' home (they live on another island so I plan flying back and forth every week or so). She has vocalised that she thinks this is too financially risky and does not support my decision, and I have told her that I will not let this impact financially on her (I understand why she is still worried that it will, it IS a big risk, but very important to me to do it) and that I have to do what I think is right.

I think abandonment issues are present too, given that a significant tie to where we live (the 37.5 hour a week office job) will no longer be there. For me, while our relationship has been very turbulent, I am in no way using working in two locations as an exit strategy from her. I am actually doing this to help make our relationship work while I fulfil other obligations (to ageing parents with  complex health issues).

I love her so much.

As a woman, just the fear of financial instability throws things off balance and creates excessive stress. Throw BPD into the mix and it can create all sorts of havoc. What's something you can do to help her feel safe about finances, safe about the changes taking place, and safe about your relationship?

[Kelbel]

TH, thank you I will give that some thought. It is so hard because we are disengaged at this point, so we aren't talking about plans or anything like that. But yes, you make a good point. I may need to have a one way conversation communicating how this is going to work. That in itself is hard because I am flying a bit by the seat of my pants on this. I guess in the context of a relationship where one partner has (u)BPD that is not ideal. But this is where we are now at, and I will think about how I can implement your advice to reassure my partner.

[Kelbel]

... though what I'm actually doing right now is sitting sobbing having just stopped myself going upstairs to my partner to tell her how much this hurts and to please stop.This is f***ing s**t.