Tired Hubby looking for information and guidance

[Tired Hubby]

First thread for me, glad to meet everyone.

I'm a mid-40's hubby with multiple, wonderful kids.  In a relationship for nearly 20 years with a woman whom I love dearly, but who certainly exhibits what I feel (albeit I'm not a professional) the traits of BPD.  And it's driving me bonkers.  I've definitely made mistakes in my relationship and I'm working hard to correct them and make this relationship work.  But I feel like I can't say/do anything to stand up for myself, because it upsets the delicate balance on her side.  Anything I bring up in terms of my needs, my desires is thrown back at me as my fault and "why are you picking a fight."  On and on, blah blah blah.

Don't want to get into it too much here in this first post, because - honestly -  it's too hard.

I think I want to fix this, but every once in a while, I do seriously ask myself "why are you doing this ?"  Am I scared of being alone, scared of disappointing my kids, scared of my spouse being ok without me, or am I really doing this because I love my spouse and want to save the marriage ?

I could use some help, just not sure what, which is why I joined the group and I'm hoping I can just read a bit first, feel my way around, before I contribute too much. 

Background here on the spouse:  also mid-40s.  TERRIBLE relationship with mother who is a more classic BPD than I think my spouse is.  No relationship with her father, who died a while ago but who didn't treat her well when he was around, either.  She's dealing with a lot of past issues from her childhood, which is why I think I give her a lot of sympathy and leeway over me - but also makes me feel sometimes like I'm too busy being a "savior" and worrying about fixing her than fixing myself and my kids.

Anyways, that's enough for now.  Again, glad to meet everyone and I hope I can get something out of this (and perhaps offer something in return).


Tired Hubby

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Tired Hubby,

Nice to meet ya!

These are fair questions: "I think I want to fix this, but every once in a while, I do seriously ask myself "why are you doing this ?"  Am I scared of being alone, scared of disappointing my kids, scared of my spouse being ok without me, or am I really doing this because I love my spouse and want to save the marriage?"

The answer could be all of the above.

I have asked these questions of myself many times too - that is good and healthy. It is not easy to love someone when they speak/act so badly. It just isn't. Knowing it is an illness helps me feel encouraged because I can put myself in my husband's shoes. It must be very painful for him not to be able to regulate his emotions and be so extremely sensitive and push so many people away from him. I try to see him through the eyes of compassion.

He sucks the life out of me at times. Being an emotional caretaker/leader can be draining. So, how do I handle it? I dunno. It's a work in progress and I am hoping to learn more here on this too. I actually enjoy learning about it (fears and all) and improving at communication so I embrace that side of it.  I do not let myself wade too long in worrying about the future of this.  I am determined to live only in the present. It seems more manageable that way.

Many of us struggle with these points too, "I feel like I can't say/do anything to stand up for myself, because it upsets the delicate balance on her side.  Anything I bring up in terms of my needs, my desires is thrown back at me as my fault and "why are you picking a fight."  On and on, blah blah blah."

I find what helps me most is good self-esteem. I don't like hearing his nonsense insults and accusations, but I am also clear that this is just inflammatory speech. I don't bother defending myself against attacks anymore after reading here. It is one of the best things you can do! Don't JADE! You could see arguments decrease a lot if you stop accidentally fueling them. He sees that I don't stoop to low levels in fights and it inspires him to try to be that way too, though he struggles. That's okay. Life is full of struggles. I have learned to actually appreciate life more lately after years of this dragging me very low and totally screwing with my head. The insights of this site save lives.

[Tarquin42]

Hi Tired Hubby, welcome, I'm a newcomer here also but a long time "tired hubby" myself. My relationship lasted forty years but we did not have any children which I'm sure adds many conflicts for you. I spent many years trying to be a savior and giving allowances on behavior to the disfunctional childhood my wife had. With my case I finally decided that I seemed to have way more emotional investment in our relationship than she did (has).

Without going into too much of my story, the good v. bad eventually turned into mostly bad the last few years. I'm in no position to give advise, but you will never be the one to fix your wife, most of that will be her decision. Once I came to that realization it made my thinking much clearer and took much of the pain away I was feeling.

[strugglingone]

Welcome.  I too am new here and I too have been married for 20+ years with kids and I am in my late 40's.  I feel for you and your frustrations.  I understand the "I feel like I can't say/do anything to stand up for myself... ".   It seems that nothing I can say or do is ever correct.

For me, after 20+ years of frustrating marriage, I figured out last week that my wife most likely has BPD. It has helped me to better understand that she cannot help being so mean at times.  It still hurts a lot, but makes the endurance a little easier.

From what I am reading, it will take time and effort on our parts to make the marriage work.  I cannot say for certain on your situation, but I believe that staying with your wife and working on you, your attitude and your responses to her will pay off in the long run, particularly for your children.

As for children, I am working on this myself, but to help them deal with the ramifications of your wife's possible hurtful treatment of them.  My struggle is that in the past, when I try to comfort the kids, my wife will react and say "You love the kids more that me!"   I can now attribute this to BPD and work with the kids more when my wife is not around.  I am still determining  the best direction for that, but I am now more focused on my kids well being then I have been in the past.

 

[AskingWhy]

Tired Hubby, welcome!

I am another 20+ years married person here, and it also took me many, many years to figure out the frustration in my marriage to a uBPD/uNPD husband.

I think clarity comes when you start putting the pieces together regarding one's spouse and their family.  I did this over the last five years or so, and finally it all started to become a clear picture in my husbands behavior.

Once you are armed with knowledge, you realize it's not about you but your spouse and the unhealthy responses he/she gives.  What was once hurt and confusion becomes a sense of empowerment and strength.

I have looked at the family of my husband--his parents and his children--and see all of the dysfunction and pathology.  I am no longer hurt by it as I see it's nothing I did, and nothing I can do.  

Most of all, I see how my interactions with my husband are choices based on my knowledge of his condition.  I can predict outcomes of my husband's behavior based on my choices of interaction.

It is painful to be married to someone with a personality disorder, but these people are usually the last to seek counseling because they don't see they have a problem.

Make sure you understand the mechanism of "splitting" as it is common in those with BPD or NPD.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Tired Hubby ,

You'll find so much support and help here. Being in a relationship with someone with BPD can be very trying and well, tiring. The constant ups and downs, arguments, and walking on egg shells takes its toll. But... .there is hope. Things can get better. And the way things get better is not by fixing your spouse, because after all, that's what us nons have been trying to do for a very long time and it just isn't working out right. So... .we get to look at ourselves and our role in the relationship. And when you begin to really take the time to work on you, you will begin to see little glimpses of light and hope.

I'm torn on which direction to give you for advice because we have 2 communiation skills that I think could really help you. They are called ":)on't JADE", mentioned by pearlsw and SET. We have workshops on both of these to the right ----> I'm going to focus on Don't JADE because for me this is the one that made the biggest difference for me.

JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. So when your wife makes an accusation against you about something, don't do those things. We want to stand up for ourselves, but when we JADE we only make it worse. Here is a link to our workshop on Don't JADE. Will you read through it and come back here and share your thoughts?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0