wife seems to be a high functional BPD, seems to target only me

[partyhats]

My wife is a medical professional, owns her own business, and we have been together for over 10 years. We have 3 young kids. She's kicked me out of the house and I can feel the seething hatred for me. I know she is stressed, but there are just to many marks she hits for BPD. I have people I can stay with, but I can't get over the extreme hate she's developed for me and how contented she now seems with me out of the house.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[snowwhite]

The contentment she seems to feel is probably a sham, a show she is putting on for you. Do not believe it is real. Do not believe you are in any way the reason for any of her bad behavior.

[pearlsw]

I think it is important to consider that folks with BPD have real emotions like any of us, but they just have heightened emotions. I struggled too with wondering if my high functioning partner with BPD traits meant things he said. I mean he did say, a lot, that he hated me. It was hard to reconcile that with how many times he also said he "loved me." That is one of the things that can make this pretty painful and difficult and confuse our abilities to deal with it. I get the absolute worst of him. Other people see things, but it is nothing near what I have. I asked myself too, if he can control himself at work shouldn't he be able to control himself at home? He had a friend he used to commute to work with and even that blew up at some point and now he drives alone.  It is important to get information about personality disorders vs. mood disorders. My partner may also have a mood disorder. But what is most important, in my position (with this being undiagnosed), is that even without certainty about what this is I am quite sure something is "off" and better communication helps.

I can assure you that the information on this site you will give valuable insights that help you understand that BPD does not look the same on everyone. It will also help you have a better chance to improve your interactions.

[Skip]

Sorry to hear you are displaced. 

The best hing right now is to stay cool and play the long game. Try not t get pulled into he emotional crisis yourself.

Can you tell us what happened? What catalyzed the fight? What was said t each other?

[SWLSR]

This is how bad people act yes she is trying to convince you that you are the root of her troubles.  Do not fall for it.  It will gain you nothing.  What you need to do is set you some safe boundaries and if she can't stay in them then you have no relationship to save.

[Frankee]

I get the absolute worst of him. Other people see things, but it is nothing near what I have. I asked myself too, if he can control himself at work shouldn't he be able to control himself at home?

I wonder how many times I have asked myself that same question.  Also another big thing... the blame placing is one of the biggest things I have noticed.  Even recently, one of his episodes circled around blaming everyone, especially me, for feeling the way he feels.  Which at that time was hopeless, frustrated, angry, thinking we were all a bunch of screw ups, etc.  He just kept saying, I don't want to feel this way anymore.  Then I asked what do you want to do about it?  He had no answer.  I also pointed out I can't control his emotions.  Even through the personal attacks, verbal and emotional abuse, blame placing, gas lighting... things I have to keep telling myself... it's not my fault, I can't control this, I didn't cause it, I'm not a bad person, don't take it personal because majority of the time it's about his deeply seeded emotional issues and his inability to handles stress and self soothe.

I also get the I hate you being screamed at me.  Honestly, the last time someone told me they hated me was probably in elementary school.  He does exhibit some form of shame after he bulldozes through me with one of his tantrums.  No matter how I think the way I react will be the right way, it never always is... sometimes it is though.  When we are arguing at times, I picture a couple kids on the playground, one screaming you're a doody head while the other screams, no I'm not, you're a liar.  They shut their ears and only hear what they need to say, what you are trying to tell them at that point sounds like mush.