Interesting -- Watching myself go through this

[Seenowayout]

It's an interesting point I'm at now.  Its been 5 months since I've seen her.  I don't want to go into detail again about my story, its all on this board.  But it's been horrible, the worse thing I've ever dealt with in my life.

I have conflicting feelings now -- all are very real at the time, and I'll cycle through all of them in a few days or even the same day sometimes.  The statements in quotes are what's in my head:

1.)  Complete panic, almost anxiety attack - "Oh my God, I can't believe she's gone.  She's with him?  UGH?  What did I do?  I miss her so bad.  I need her back.  I so screwed up"
2.)  Complete unbelief I was with her at all -- "What the heck was I doing with her in the first place?  Her tattoos, belly ring, tongue ring, hard life story, -- my preppy graduate school professional self -- no wonder people looked at us weirdly.  What an odd couple we were.  Just not meant to be"
3.)  Anger -- "God how she had me on a chain.  Unbelievable the things I put up with, the things she said and did to me.  The money, my family, my friends, I put them all on the chopping block for her-- she could care less.  Most selfish ungrateful person I ever met.  I want to get even with her"
4.)  Peace -- "I did love her.  She did love me.  We saw something deep in each other's souls that resonated with each other, it spoke out loud to both of us and we cherished it.  But in the end we just weren't meant to be together on this mortal stage.  Our experiences somehow got in the way of our true inner selves"

And that's it.  I believe all these things are true.  And if I just watch these thoughts go by its somehow easier.  I miss her like crazy and I'm so sick of ruminating about her.  But I wanted to share this point in my journey and ask if you all think this is normal?  Path to healing?  Or just a symptom of my own moody personality disorder.

I love this board so much and am so appreciative for the outlet and the company.  I wish it was more like FB where I could give thumbs up and hugs to other members.

For what it's worth, I pray for you all. 

[heartandwhole]

We've got hugs and thumbs up, Seenowayout !

I think the cycling of your thoughts and feelings is very normal. I've been there. In fact, like you, after my breakup I was on vacation and would sit most of the day outside and let the thoughts stream through my mind. Man, they didn't seem to stop! I didn't distract myself with anything. Just sat and let them move... .Then I'd take a walk and sit by the river and let them stream through. So much going on in there!

The feelings came and went as well. I think you are wise to let these thoughts, which are all over the place, just have their space.    I recommend trying not to "attach" to any of them; just let them move. They come and go, don't they?

How are you dealing with the feelings that come up? The same way?

heartandwhole  

[Seenowayout]

 
Thank you Heart!  Yes, in the beginning these feelings were so overwhelming, they took over.  All  consuming.  It scared me. 

Now, I can almost look at them when they come like a scary dog that's approaching me but I know it doesn't bite.  "Oh here comes that anxiety again, it will pass"  "Oh here are those bad hurtful thoughts, it will pass" 

I truly look forward to not thinking about it at all.  As I assume she is able to do.  But that's an assumption.

Thanks for validating me.

[Skip]

It's good that you can actually see all the sides of this thing at this point in time.

There are many life lessons to be learned in this experience... .I do think you will be a wiser and better man for it. In a scenario like this, there is a long road to recovery as you peal back the layers of the onion.

Your marriage grew stale (you share that with your wife). A women with extreme emotional expression connected with you, made you alive. You were deeply committed (you left your life). She was deeply committed (the tattoo says a lot) and the more she engaged in the romance the more fearfull of her own vulnerability she became (fear of rejection). You also began to struggle with you own fear of rejection - after all you had a lot ridding on the relationship. The relationship became fragile under the weight of its wonderful intensity. You reached out for a safety line (yoga instructor) and the glass shattered. Your insecurity and her inherent trust issues fatally collided.

I don't know if this narrative actually fits you, but maybe you can use it as a first draft and start up-editing it periodically as you try to solve the cognitive dissonance in the five statements you made above.

What do you think?

[AustenJ]

I think all of these feelings are very normal and the ruminations will lessen with time. I would also recommend a good therapist to help you sort through these feelings. I'm 8 months out from the discard and still have some of these thoughts that pop up now and then, but I just feel them in the moment and then let them wash over me and let them go. I don't ruminate them 24/7 like I used to. It's been months since I have taken sleeping pills to deal with the ruminations which screwed up my sleep schedule. Now there are days where I consciously stop and think, "wow, I did not think about her once yesterday." So it's all about progress and moving forward and taking care of yourself... .and still allowing some of those thoughts to creep in... .as long as you don't let them consume you. But I still have bad days which brings me to these boards to remind me how awful things were... .

And I work with my diagnosed exBPD gf every day in a small organization, but I keep busy and focus on myself, and I actually am enjoying my work again... .be gentle with yourself; cut yourself some slack; do what you love to do... .the joy will eventually come back.

You got this. And we are here to help you, brother.

[Jami]

When things began to be emotionally overwhelming, i used to imagine that all those feelings were visitors coming to my house. I would attend to them as i would care for a guest: give them my attention, listen to what they had to say and talk back. They would arrive unpredictably, around the clock, and had very different personalities, communication styles and needs. Most of them were quite eccentric and curious - i had never met them before - and some others were more familiar. I would welcome each one of those strange "folks" while trying to neither be inviting nor avoiding, just letting them come and go as they pleased.

It has been an interesting process. Each "visitor" unveiled something about the relationship, something about my role in it, something about my own complicated layers. They never came empty-handed.

Eventually, their visits diminished in frequency. My house was no more assaulted 24/7, but still cherished by most of the eccentrics. It happens that someone arrives all of a sudden, during day or night, asking for my attention. But it is far from the intensity of the beginning. I brew a coffee, chat a little and they are usually gone.

We could debate for eons about the concept of "normality", especially when talking about emotions. The above delirium certainly might appear beyond normal, if not straight out crazy. But it helped me cope, in a playful way. I guess the most important thing is that you find your own way to deal with what is confronting you, as soothes you most. It will get better over time, it always does!

I also agree with AustenJ, a good therapist can be a helpful ally.

I wish your "house" to be less popular soon, Seenowayout All the best to you!

[Lucky Jim]

Seenowayout: To me, the feelings you describe are normal in the aftermath of a BPD r/s.  I admire how you are able to look at them in a mindful way, without the need to do anything in particular.  In my view, you are on a path towards healing.  One issue that you might want to look at is one that you touched on in paragraph two, and that is, why did you get in a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place?

Jami: I like the way you refer to your feelings as "visitors" who show up and demand attention.  It helps, I think, to externalize our emotions.  I recently completed an expressive writing project designed to improve health and heal trauma, which I found quite uplifting.

LuckyJim