BPD girlfriend attacked me and blamed me for that

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey,

I had real
3 weeks ago I've drove my ex girlfriend to her brother birthday. after few minutes, she started(out of nowhere) to blame me for not moving to her apartment.
Things got really bad, she said a lot of insulting things, spitting, touching the steering wheel and even punching me in the arm so I had to stop the car right away after the freeway exit. she really got into this and punched and scratched me in face, punched me with a key on my arm and and I just begged for her to leave the car(because she had sidewalk in her side) and I even tried to open her door she will leave, but she didn't want to and continued to attacked me all over my body and telling me that she will not stop not matter what and after few minutes of getting punches in the face I had to defend myself and I saw that she still not going to stop her and I didn't want to actually hurt her so I just left in car in the middle of the highway(I almost hit by a car) and after a minute she went out telling me "You probably will try to sorry again, oh" and I told her that I just had to defend myself and she knows that I begged for her to leave the car but she only told me to stay away or she will "call the police".
I were totally in shock after that(I never thought I'll be in this kind of situation) and I saw that she blocked me in Facebook and WhatsApp so I felt also very bad because she's the one who almost got us killed!
After one day with no contacting her I got a message that I should never contact her again(in every way) without her permission or she will complain about me to the authorities!
Week after the case with NC she called me and said that heard from her brother and my friend how hard it's for me so she called just to "close things" but all she did is telling me to keep going to therapy(which I started after our first crisis in the relationship) and telling me that she will move to another place and she want me to know that with all "the love" she is not wanting people that hurting her in her life so asked me to understand that shes not want any contact with me at all and she had "the best week"(without me - to say that I'm the cause to her misery).
I felt very bad because all those things and I tried to ask her what she would done if she were in my spot but she said "I don't care anymore" and "this is not my business anymore" and etc and I have issues and she only have "normal issues".
After the call I sent her(from another phone) message with link to article about BPD and the DBT and wishing her all the best in her life and in response she wrote me and she don't want to heat my destructive BS and she want me to getting out of her life or she'll go to authorities.
At this point I wanted by myself to go to authorities since I have a lot of proofs of this attack and previous attacked(which were in her house and not in the car so I could leave) but I didn't want to cause her damage in her life even what she did!

My friend ask her to meet with me for a coffee just to finish things good but she declined and told him that she want to start her "new life" and don't want any contact with me anymore.

I felt so bad so I've called her and when she heard my voice she hang out the call... .

After one day she called to my friend and told him how can he help me because I'm harassing her... .

I saw here few days ago in the GYM and I didn't say anything to her and she also didn't say anything to me(just wired looks) and she looked very upset.



We've been almost 6 months and I gave her almost anything emotionally, physically and financially and she told me all the time that no one treated her like I did and I'm the only one that she ever felt secured with him and suggested him to move with her(I didn't moved in because of the possibility of this kind of situations).
I helped her a lot to make some order in her messy life(work, house, education and etc), I've helped her to re establish connection with her family and I've been there for her all the time and heard from her how everyone is blamed for their actions with her and how she were the victim.

I'm trying to keep my mind out of this but I think about this all the time. I don't mind anything this days. I don't want to work, I don't to do anything but see her and get answers.
I feel abused, I feel abounded, I have a lot of anger of what she did to me and also blamed me for that and never said sorry about that! only blamed me.

I want some answers from her and I don't know if she understand what she did(she told to me friend lately that she understand that she lost it but still blaming me for responding) and will she call me or send me some message? or she is really moved on because in her head she think that I'm the devil? It's really hard for me this clear cut she made after hurting me like I'm nothing to her.

I wish would find this forum before... .

[SeekForAnswers]

Hey,

I had real
3 weeks ago I've drove my ex girlfriend to her brother birthday. after few minutes, she started(out of nowhere) to blame me for not moving to her apartment.
Things got really bad, she said a lot of insulting things, spitting, touching the steering wheel and even punching me in the arm so I had to stop the car right away after the freeway exit. she really got into this and punched and scratched me in face, punched me with a key on my arm and and I just begged for her to leave the car(because she had sidewalk in her side) and I even tried to open her door she will leave, but she didn't want to and continued to attacked me all over my body and telling me that she will not stop not matter what and after few minutes of getting punches in the face I had to defend myself and I saw that she still not going to stop her and I didn't want to actually hurt her so I just left in car in the middle of the highway(I almost hit by a car) and after a minute she went out telling me "You probably will try to sorry again, oh" and I told her that I just had to defend myself and she knows that I begged for her to leave the car but she only told me to stay away or she will "call the police".
I were totally in shock after that(I never thought I'll be in this kind of situation) and I saw that she blocked me in Facebook and WhatsApp so I felt also very bad because she's the one who almost got us killed!
After one day with no contacting her I got a message that I should never contact her again(in every way) without her permission or she will complain about me to the authorities!
Week after the case with NC she called me and said that heard from her brother and my friend how hard it's for me so she called just to "close things" but all she did is telling me to keep going to therapy(which I started after our first crisis in the relationship) and telling me that she will move to another place and she want me to know that with all "the love" she is not wanting people that hurting her in her life so asked me to understand that shes not want any contact with me at all and she had "the best week"(without me - to say that I'm the cause to her misery).
I felt very bad because all those things and I tried to ask her what she would done if she were in my spot but she said "I don't care anymore" and "this is not my business anymore" and etc and I have issues and she only have "normal issues".
After the call I sent her(from another phone) message with link to article about BPD and the DBT and wishing her all the best in her life and in response she wrote me and she don't want to heat my destructive BS and she want me to getting out of her life or she'll go to authorities.
At this point I wanted by myself to go to authorities since I have a lot of proofs of this attack and previous attacked(which were in her house and not in the car so I could leave) but I didn't want to cause her damage in her life even what she did!

My friend ask her to meet with me for a coffee just to finish things good but she declined and told him that she want to start her "new life" and don't want any contact with me anymore.

I felt so bad so I've called her and when she heard my voice she hang out the call... .

After one day she called to my friend and told him how can he help me because I'm harassing her... .

I saw here few days ago in the GYM and I didn't say anything to her and she also didn't say anything to me(just wired looks) and she looked very upset.



We've been almost 6 months and I gave her almost anything emotionally, physically and financially and she told me all the time that no one treated her like I did and I'm the only one that she ever felt secured with him and suggested him to move with her(I didn't moved in because of the possibility of this kind of situations).
I helped her a lot to make some order in her messy life(work, house, education and etc), I've helped her to re establish connection with her family and I've been there for her all the time and heard from her how everyone is blamed for their actions with her and how she were the victim.

I'm trying to keep my mind out of this but I think about this all the time. I don't mind anything this days. I don't want to work, I don't to do anything but see her and get answers.
I feel abused, I feel abounded, I have a lot of anger of what she did to me and also blamed me for that and never said sorry about that! only blamed me.

I want some answers from her and I don't know if she understand what she did(she told to me friend lately that she understand that she lost it but still blaming me for responding) and will she call me or send me some message? or she is really moved on because in her head she think that I'm the devil? It's really hard for me this clear cut she made after hurting me like I'm nothing to her.

I wish would find this forum before... .

[Harley Quinn]

Welcome SeekForAnswers 

What you describe sounds very shocking and scary for you.  Especially that you were on a busy road with fast moving traffic at the time.  I'm so glad that both of you didn't come off worse.  How often had this sort of thing happened before?It's good that you gathered evidence of your injuries to protect yourself from the threats of involvement from the authorities.  When you say that you defended yourself, how did you do this?  Unfortunately in a male/female interaction involving violence, the male can often come off as the offender even when it is an action in defence, so it is a good idea to keep your evidence as a safeguard should you need it.

I feel abused, I feel abounded, I have a lot of anger of what she did to me and also blamed me for that and never said sorry about that! only blamed me.

   

I think that your decision not to move in was a wise one, as you were putting your safety first and that is paramount.  I'm also sorry to hear that you found yourself in this abusive situation.  My exBPDbf was violent and I know how hard it can be to process that.  Sounds like she was dysregulated because she felt upset at your refusal to move in.  She appears to be blaming you for the feelings she had which caused her to lash out.  Please know that you are not responsible for this.  Her actions are her responsibility.  I too was blamed for what I experienced and I later learned that blaming the victim is typical of a person who is violent towards the people who are close to them.  It alleviates any shame they may feel for their behaviour.

Everything you are feeling is to be expected.  It is difficult processing such unexpected behaviour and we are left with many unanswered questions and feeling deeply wounded.  It's possible your ex will not be able to give you the answers and closure that you seek.  Often times we must reach that closure for ourselves.  Would you feel safe around your exgf if she were to agree to meet with you?

We understand here what you're going through and I'm glad that you found us.  One article that gave me a little perspective on the relationship after I split from my ex was the following one on how a BPD r/s evolves.  I hope it can shed some light for you also.  This allowed me to de personalise some of the behaviour I had experienced and understand what drove it. 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves 

Keep reading and posting.  We're here for you and can help you get through this.

Love and light x   

[SeekForAnswers]

  Harley Quinn   

Hey,

I had few times(around 4/5) before, that she tried to physically attack me. but all of them were in safe ares(in her house, not me driving in freeway) so I was able to get away without much issues(only got slap, few punches not in face and shirt pulling) - that's why when she blamed me for that I felt very bed because I couldn't stop that otherwise - but how could I know that she will ever do such things? and I also never got training for handling this kind of attack.
And I defend myself by punching 2 times in her back of the head just she will get away from me. I was like an instinct for me after getting punches in the faces(she was in the side of me so it was hard to fully defend).

Few days before that she kept telling me that I'm not giving here enough attention and we should breakup, so I said yes but after few hours she called again like nothing happened. so it's like she wanted to things gets bad in her way just feel good with herself with she leaving.

This attack came after the roller coaster of the whole relationship like all other stories so I'm in very low point which I gave here anything but now I don't left for my self.
I also got all time how much I need to change myself and how should I disconnect with my remaining family members in my life so it's like I've very hard to this to work but in the moment of truth she attacked me, blamed me and left me with actually nothing.

I had no easy story in my early life but I never used it to manipulate other people just to feel good about things from the past so I can't understand how she took the bad things she suffered and used them to hurt the closest people in her life.

I don't know why - but I still have place in my heart for hear and this is why I'm wondering if she will ever contact me back after this(when she think about all the things that happened) - or because of the BPD I'm painted with black for good?

[Harley Quinn]

I don't know why - but I still have place in my heart for hear and this is why I'm wondering if she will ever contact me back after this(when she think about all the things that happened) - or because of the BPD I'm painted with black for good?

It would be unnatural to not still feel for her, as her violent behaviour doesn't cease all emotion and that can be very confusing having conflicting feelings.  On the one hand you were reluctant to move in with her and progress the r/s because of her physical attacks on you but it doesn't mean you didn't love her still.  It's a difficult position to be in and I can understand how you feel.  

Regards her contacting you again, only time will tell, however I would encourage you to be sure you feel safe around her if you were to re engage at any point and ensure that you safeguard yourself, to protect both of you from harm.

Have you spoken to anyone professional about the violent behaviour?  A DV counsellor perhaps?  They can advise you on a safety plan so that you are aware of what to do if a situation arises in the future.  I found my domestic abuse support worker really valuable in helping me to have a clear mind around the abuse and know what I would do if there was a risk involved in my situation.  

In the mean time, try to be kind to yourself and take this quiet time and space as an opportunity to step back a little from the drama that you have been experiencing.  Learn all you can about BPD and try to do things that are beneficial to your own well being.  Healing from such a r/s takes time and we can support you through this process, so use the board to post and read others' posts too.  This helped me immensely in better understanding my r/s.

One other article that made a huge difference to me in the early days was the following one I'll give you the link to.  It talks about the 10 beliefs that can keep us stuck, and we are running a series of polls on each of the beliefs that you can find as they come live on the board.  The first two are up now.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Do let us know if you feel any of these apply to you at present.  It is useful to talk these things through and get some perspective from others who can relate.

Love and light x

[SeekForAnswers]

If we'll ever meet in the future I'll consult with someone that will guide me how to act properly in the meeting. so thanks for your advise! 


Btw, she called me yesterday 3 times but I didn't answer her and then she sent me message that asks me to stop contact her again or she will get "restricting order"(the same message she sent 3 weeks ago).
I didn't contact her at all!
I just found that my previous exgf(one before her) sent her message regarding what she did to me(she wrote everything she think on here in a very polite way) and she did it because my exBPDgf used to call to my previous exgf and asking her all the time if she still wants me or me want her - she was very obsessive about what happens between us even there was nothing really.

So why my exBPDgf threatened me about that and didn't wrote whatever she want to previous exgf? and why did she called me 3 times if she don't want any contact with me and just wanted to send me again this "restricting order" threat?
 

[Harley Quinn]

So why my exBPDgf threatened me about that and didn't wrote whatever she want to previous exgf? and why did she called me 3 times if she don't want any contact with me and just wanted to send me again this "restricting order" threat?

Just the threat of an R/O alone is a good reason not to reply and I'd give her no ammunition if she is set on that idea.  There could be a number of reasons for her calls.  She may believe that you were attempting to contact her through your ex and her calls may have been to vent about that, based on the jealousy and paranoia about this other ex that you describe from during the r/s.
 
The main thing is to not get drawn into any conflict.  Tread lightly here.  If she has asked for you to not contact her, then respect this and don't.  The NC could be exactly what you need to gain some perspective and have a little time and space from the drama to look after your own immediate needs.  Try to focus on yourself right now. 

I'd encourage you to take a look at the lessons to the right of the board, if you haven't already, and to keep posting as you need to.  There can be so much confusion around a breakup with a pwBPD.  Many have walked this path before us and can share their experiences with you.

Love and light x   

[SeekForAnswers]

 This is the main reason I didn't answer the calls - I knew she would say some insulting stuff but in the other I couldn't tell her that my ex gf sent it by herself. do you think that was a good action? or I had to tell her that it's not me?

And the whole "threatening" thing - she attacked me! why the hell should I feel afraid from her(in addition to the all other feeling that I feel because of her) - I have a lot of proofs, therapist that know almost everything from the beginning, a lot of friends that know her temper and etc. so why should I be in this position?

And I do NC with her - but you know, she got a lot of angry people from my side and during our r/s I've tried to keep them quit but now they can do what they want with her. she's not deserved to my protection.

[Harley Quinn]

Keeping up communication and JADEing (justify, argue, defend, explain) doesn't tend to be very successful, increases conflict and will only keep an attachment between you.  As will others acting in ways to show their anger towards her.  I know these people only have your best interests at heart and wish to protect you.  In a BPD r/s, any link is seen by the pwBPD as a door kept open and right now from what I understand you wish to close that door for good.  It would certainly allow you to detach more easily.  Sometimes others can 'stir things up' and keep the drama going so it might be an idea to ask others to let it go so that you can detach and focus on you. 

The more you are thinking about this stuff, the longer it takes to let go and move on.  It's early days yet, so it's natural to be processing things - we all need to go through this - however just be conscious that it doesn't get dragged out for you and this can sometimes be because others around you are dwelling on it too.

It could be worth looking into (perhaps some legal advice or through a local domestic abuse service as I suggested earlier in your thread) what the laws are around domestic abuse where you live and how incidents are treated.  This way you will know your position regards her attack and your defensive actions.  I'm not suggesting you should fear her acting on her threat.  More that getting involved in legal disputes also delays the detaching process by drawing out more drama between you and keeps a link to her that you could really do without for the sake of your own healing.  You haven't mentioned considering pressing charges yourself for the attack.  Is this something you are thinking about?  If not, keep your evidence safe should you ever need it and allow yourself to work through your feelings around the loss of the relationship.  It's important to grieve and anger is just one stage of this.   

Love and light x 

[snowwhite]

I would call the police and file a report. You need to protect yourself legally.

[SeekForAnswers]

  I still hoping for some "happy end" closure and this is why I don't want to close it for good. even when I know that is more likely to win a lottery than that... .

My friend spoke by me to other friend of ours who took her side and started to say bad things about what I did to her, so I wanted to give him my side in the story - she called to my friend and yelled him why he helping me to get her back... .how the hell she think telling my side to him will get her back?
Also, she told him by this friend that my ex message to her is also trying to get her back... .
Why she think about that all the time? this is something that really mean to her something her this is just because she wants the drama?

I would call the police and file a report. You need to protect yourself legally.

I did think about pressing charges about what she did but I know it will be even more hard for me to detach from her after that.

[SeekForAnswers]

*Sorry for bump if it's not allowed*
I shared some online discounts to our other friend(amoug other friends I've shared) and after few hours that he saw the message and not replied I found that he blocked me on Facebook. I ask my friend about that(he knows him very well) and he told me that BPDex is the reason for blocking since she helped him at that moment with his studying.
But why the hell this it is matter to her if he blocks me or not? I've sent totally harmless message and not related to her at all... .
This is control thing of her?(if you count what happened in my previous reply)
And she can move on, why this is so relevant to her?

[snowwhite]

I am going to repeat myself. You need to protect yourself legally. This could really come back to bite you in the future. No not think this is ever over or that the person with BPD will not call the police and falsely accuse you. They will.

[SeekForAnswers]

I am going to repeat myself. You need to protect yourself legally. This could really come back to bite you in the future. No not think this is ever over or that the person with BPD will not call the police and falsely accuse you. They will.

I spoke with advocate that also know her(and her issues) and he told me just to block her and move on.

And I have all the proofs - what else do I need?
And what do you think about controlling other people around us? why she is doing this? to attract attention from my side or she just want to harm?

[SeekForAnswers]

Hey,

It's been a month since the incident.
I feel little bit better but I still think about her all the time.
I just want to call her to get relief from the pain(even I know this can make things worse).
Does she really hate me right now in her mind? Or she did all those things just to get my attention?

[Harley Quinn]

Hey,

It's been a month since the incident.
I feel little bit better but I still think about her all the time.
I just want to call her to get relief from the pain(even I know this can make things worse).
Does she really hate me right now in her mind? Or she did all those things just to get my attention?

Hi SFA,

It's good to hear that you are feeling a little better.  How have you achieved this?  What are you doing to soothe yourself?  It's usual for us to have questions we want answers to following a messy breakup.  After the violence in my own r/s I felt confused and my mind was racing with possibilities.  However, it is unlikely that contacting her for closure will bring any relief.  If you were to contact her, what would you want to say?  You know her best.  What do you think her reaction would be to your call?  Bear in mind that the progress you've made is in no small part due to the space and distance from the drama, and re entering that would more than likely put you back to square one.  Opening that door now could cause you considerably more heartache, and put you at risk of further attack.  It would be healthier to work through the pain naturally and then consider whether or not you wish to make contact when you are in a better place emotionally.  That way, you would be able to communicate to her on a different level and be more removed from the past relationship, instead focused on the present and any future. 

It might be an idea to write a letter that you don't send, in order to get the thoughts, feelings and questions out of your system.  You could post it here and get feedback if that helps.

As for how she feels about you, that will be transient.  The link Mutt sent you about How to survive a breakup with a pwBPD talked about how you are going through a different process to your ex when it comes to the grieving.  It is possible that she has been trying to get a reaction from you, yes.  What you need to ask yourself is how you feel about the fact that this woman was violent towards you and do you think you are in a strong enough place to have perspective on that at the moment?

Love and light x   

[SeekForAnswers]

 Hey,

I was very very painful to me, I'm just trying to live day by day. I've actually spoke with a lot of close friends to get the the emotions out of the chest. I'm also going 3 times a week to the gym.
I think that she will mad about me now and blame me if I call her. the only thing that avoiding me from calling right now is the R/O threat which I don't know if she'll actually do it or not.


1) Does is it really issue of mine that I still love her and willing to forgive her despite everything that happens?
2) For me it's seems that all those R/O threatening it like a test(because she could do it right away without sending it all the time and calling me). what do think?
3) I don't know why, but I don't afraid of her. I've been in more difficult situation in my life so that's might the reason why I don't mind from this that much?

Right now I'm trying to stick to what my therapist told me - wait 24 hours before I make any act and then think about again in clear mind.

Thanks

[SeekForAnswers]

Hey,

After I started to feel better last week I got very bad feeling in the last days.
I don't what to do. I'm so lost in the dark right now.

Because this brake up is more cleaning her name than leaving me(for me it's worse because she blamed me for her abuse). does it change how she sees me right now?
I'm painted black like normal person she left? or this is less/more than that?

[Mutt]

Hi SeekForAnswer,

I also got all time how much I need to change myself and how should I disconnect with my remaining family members in my life

What do you mean here? Are you self protecting with family members. It sounds like you have a lot of friends, do you also get support from your family?

1) Does is it really issue of mine that I still love her and willing to forgive her despite everything that happens?

I can relate with your feelings. The board is designed so that you get help from different people with different opinions and you take the advice that you like and work with that. We’re her to give you a clear perspective on your situation maybe something that you can’t see because you’re overwhelmed with thoughts or your feeling really sad.

Harley Quinn suggested self protecting by means of no contact, it gives you the adequate space that you need to heal you wounds without them getting constantly reopened by your ex pwBPD, a pwBPD have empathy but when they’re overwhelmed with emotions they can’t put themselves in your place, they’re not looking out for your needs. You need to look out after you.

Right now no contact will also help lift this FOG that you’re in right now. It’s hard to see clearly when you’re in the FOG, we’re here to give you a perspective that you may not see this moment.

2) For me it's seems that all those R/O threatening it like a test(because she could do it right away without sending it all the time and calling me). what do think?

It’s not a test and I wouldn’t fool around with this, take it very seriously. This is the ultimate push, a pwBPD feel a lot of shame and you’re a source of shame for her a reminder of how dysfunctional she is, she can’t cope with negative feelings, this R/O telegraphs Stay away from me, I can’t cope at the sight of seeing you because it brings up a powerful emotion - shame. Stay away because I can’t deal with this and if I have to I will call the police!

3) I don't know why, but I don't afraid of her. I've been in more difficult situation in my life so that's might the reason why I don't mind from this that much?

See answer #2

Is it worth jeopardizing your future with a criminal record? Someone else mentioned to call the police. If you call the police you have it documented. What do you think about what I said?

[SeekForAnswers]

 Hey Mutt!
Thanks for your response.

1#
I do have family support, but only the extended one.
My parents are divorced and they never gave me that much support so I consider my closest friends more family than they are right now.

2#
Okay I understand this. does it mean that she will feel this forever? or after few months she will see clearer?
I never had enemies in my life before and this is why I want to know if in the future there is a hope to clean things between us or she will probably hate me forever?

3#
I wrote this in response to HQ question if I will accept this kind of this physical behavior from my partner(I didn’t wrote this about the R/O threat).
And what do you mean by calling the police to get it documented? Right now, over a month after the case I can call them?

[Mutt]

Hi SeekForAnswers,

You’re not split black forever, if you keep poking the bear it’s not going to change sooner. Some members were split for weeks, months, years and even decades. I was threatened with the police, I wanted answers from my ex, she couldn’t face me.

If you’re curious about how long I was split black for it was just under two years. I’m split white and I intend to keep that way by not triggering shame with her. It’s incredibly hard to coparent when you’re split black.

The best thing to do is to do nothing. Focus on s of compassion, self protection, self improvement. Do you see how often I said self? Focus on you.

PS I meant if the situation arises again, maybe call the police the next time just to have it documented at least.

[SeekForAnswers]

 Hey Mutt,
Thanks for your great information!
Your ex also attacked you physically? Do you think this shame of the physical attack will make her NC for longer period of time than only verbal abuse?

I really appreciate that. Thanks a lot!

[Mutt]

I had a court appearance and the assault charges got dropped. I didn’t know about BPD back then while we were together, I knew that she had this unbelievable stubbornness but I didn’t know that it something more, I was split black and I couldn’t believe that she was risking me getting going to jail, she attacked me, she was risking the future of our young family.

We had horrorible  conflict back then and she was emotionally dysregukated for weeks and months at a time. As I said i didn’t have good r/s skills and I certainly didn’t have good validation skills.

It’s hard to say SeekForAnswers, if you’re looking to restart the r/s down the road this isn’t the right board. Learn the r/s skills on improving, the goal of this board is to heal, detach and rebuild. Take very good care of yourself.

[SeekForAnswers]

Hey Mutt,

I don’t know yet if I do want any contact with her in the future. Right now, I just have very hard feelings so I'm confused.
I think for now the best thing is to detach and get out the fog so I'll things in better perspective.

I really don't understand what her position right now since she didn't leave me for replacement so why she blocked me like that? Because she can't handle the shame or something?
And there is nothing to do to resolve this situation since she told my friend that she still love me?

Thanks a lot!

[SeekForAnswers]

Hey,

I don't know why I still thinking about this all time. I really in a mess right now.
I try to understand if she'll paint me white or not... .my story is slightly different from other stories there in the terms of the break up so I don't know where I am... .

[Harley Quinn]

my story is slightly different from other stories there in the terms of the break up so I don't know where I am... .

Hi SFA,

If we forego the details of the r/s and the breakup, one thing that is certain is that you have broken up and that is where you are right now.  Another way to look at this, is that we are all where we choose to be.  As in, we are ourselves in the state that we either accept and work through or attempt to ignore or overshadow with other concerns.  Those concerns may be our ex, what they are thinking or doing, whether they will come back, make contact etc, or else other impacts upon our lives that take our focus away from our own current situation.  I say this because I've been there. 

My advice to you is turn your attention to YOU, where you are at this moment and what you need to deal with for yourself.  Take a look around yourself at your environment and inside of yourself at your feelings.  This you can be sure of.  Everything else is out of our control.  The thoughts and worries and questions will come and go.  Let them.  Don't cling to them or give them more importance than the thought about what you're going to eat for dinner.  Thoughts are just thoughts and not facts.  We really cannot predict the future.  We CAN do something about the present.  How are you feeling SFA?  That is where you are.

Love and light x   

[SeekForAnswers]

Hey!

When I think about it deeply, I get the conclusion that all those concerns is just my fears from getting it again from another r/s. this is why I'm trying to rationalize everything.
I know that I don't want her and I never actually needed her as person.
I have a lot of other options, but the fear of knowing that someone close to you can break all the ethic rules you've believed in your life it's just unacceptable to me. this r/s kind of broke some of my naive thoughts about the humanity.
I've reached to very successful point in my short life(24) despite my rough childhood and without any support of my family. so I feel very blessed to be at that point I've worked so hard to be at and I always tried to help other people who struggle in their own life.
And I actually asked my exBPDgf at the beginning(after 2/3 weeks in r/s) if she have BPD but she dismissed that. I'm kind of angry to myself that I didn't listen to my natural instincts just because I wanted to help her, I kind of felt sorry for her knowing where she at in her life comparing to my life.
I broke with her few times before this event because she crossed some serious boundaries and every time I've tried to use my compassion and forgive her.
I never knew that this will be two-edged sword... .

So this might be her way to say the last word?

[Harley Quinn]

It might be.  It might be she is hoping to keep a door open to reappear in your life at a later stage.  What is vital is that you take the self awareness you currently have and do something with it.  I recognised my codependent traits long before my exBPDbf came along into my life yet fell straight back into old habits and ways of approaching the r/s despite that.  Now I have therapy lined up to help me to work on these things in order to change my lifelong pattern of putting myself in the rescuer/victim position.  What can you do actively to help yourself to move forwards and protect yourself from entering another future r/s with the same dynamic SFA?

I've reached to very successful point in my short life(24) despite my rough childhood and without any support of my family. so I feel very blessed to be at that point I've worked so hard to be at and I always tried to help other people who struggle in their own life.

I hear you.  We are all carrying our own baggage from our pasts, whether we recognise it or not.  It's positive that you are aware of your childhood issues and perhaps this r/s was a way for you to get to know yourself better.  Every cloud has a silver lining if we look for it.  At only 24 you have a lot of future in front of you and now is an opportunity to decide the course that future takes.  Look after yourself.  You're the most important person in your life.

Love and light x

[SeekForAnswers]

Hey there!
It’s been two weeks since my last update.
I feel a little bit better but I still I have bad feeling sometimes. now it’s 2 months post breakup.
What I do have an issue with is the smear campaign she started about me after this happened. Not only I need to deal with the betrayal feeling of how she acted I also need to defend my name and since she made very good job showing herself as a victim, I have a lot of people thinking this the truth!

I also read some messages from the day it happened and I saw that she blamed me a lot of things that she did and I explained her why this is not my actions so she told me “She need a guy who treat her nice” so I told her “Go head”(and other similar answers) because I felt like there will be always something so I really wanted to end this conversation(I didn’t know much about BPD at the time).
I know that this might turned her fear of abandonment, but why she didn't just left me and ghosting? why she has to burn everything and cause me to such of pain?
I also feel like an idiot that I didn’t know this will come after... .

[Harley Quinn]

I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you.  Yes it does make it harder to detach and heal when there is ongoing drama in your life in the aftermath of the r/s.  Can you ask yourself if it is worth fighting back and trying to correct the things that were said or would it be easier for you to let the storm blow over and trust that in the end those who truly know you will know what you are really like?  It depends how much this impacts your life directly, apart from just the upset this causes you.  Who are the people who are holding these beliefs about you?  :)o they play a large part in your life or are they just acquaintances?  Is it having an effect on your career for example?  If not, it might be necessary to let it go for your own peace of mind.  After all, you know the truth within you and can choose to rise above the lies, hold up your head and move on with your life.  The truth has a way of showing itself in time.  

Sometimes after a breakup we lose others from our circle as a natural by product of the split.  If it is a case of letting people fade into the background and focusing on associating with the true friends and family who believe in you, then that isn't always a bad thing anyway.  Consider this an opportunity for a fresh start, with a clear view of which people in your life are there for the long haul and who are not.  Think about your own well being, and if being caught up in the emotions this stirs up in you is healthy for you.  I know it's hard not to want to defend yourself.  Perhaps those that listen to scandal are just likely to believe the worst about someone naturally though, and are not worth your time.  They will ultimately find out that she is not so trustworthy if this is how she behaves.

Love and light x