Family says I was the only one she included as family

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have found myself in completely uncharted territory.  And am asking for advice.  I am 44, ex girlfriend is 39, with a history of Abandonment from her father in childhood, sexual abuse in teen years, and having been cheated on after 13 years of marriage. Now divorced.  

It has been three years since their divorce, and I innocently enough noticed this woman at church.  Extremely attractive and a personality that at least at first appearance was intoxicating. I contacted her, and talked for a few days.  First date was beyond anything I could put in words.  The seduction was tangible.  The first night that stare into my eyes, followed by her comment, "let's go" and you can surmise where that night went.  

I have just now started reading on BPD after being directed there by a mutual friend who shed some light on her past, and out of concern for me, so I am new at Understanding all of this.  The first month fits perfectly into the Idealization stage.  Sex was frequent and completely uninhibited.  Talk of marriage and showing me rings after a few weeks.  I got lost in this bliss.  

As I'm now seeing, the Devaluation stage started in month two, with denial of sex, or allowing me to pleasure her and then walking away with smirk and saying well you had your chance.  I was directed to this page for support.  

She fits to a T, every characteristic of the waif BPD female.  And as I'm learning more about ME, in this, I fit the ideal receptacle for this woman.  The nice guy, who still deals with abandonment issues of his own, and will completely sacrifice himself to cater to his lover, and allow to be used as a doormat.  Clearly things I need to look internally on and receive help with.

I realize now the three major relationships in my life, including my marriage have all the same characteristics. The Devaluation and Triangulation with her ex husband, and a female she works with, and openly shared wanted to have sex with her, is now obvious in hindsight. And it achieved her goal. I became overly protective and even offered to have the woman join us. And strive to please her more, while receiving maybe 25% of the effort I put into to doing for her.  

I know this is a  typical story, but I am newly aware of this abusive cycle and need help.  Then the disengagement.  3 months in.  I became aware of lies, and of her spending a night with someone prior to us splitting.  I confronted her and she turned it on me, with a lame excuse, no ownership of her actions, and literally turned the scenario on me saying obviously I am the one who ended this by cheating and blaming her. She ended our formal dating relationship, but still continues to even this morning texting and saying please don't leave me, I need you to be my friend. That too I am now reading is part of holding me for future need when she's alone or needs something, or sex, when her current supply gets discarded.  

But here is twist I need guidance on. I have read much that females with this are so detached from their true identity they cannot even see their behavior or its effect on others.  She is displaying something different and I need help understanding this. The other key point, is her family, children made it clear I was the first man in three years she had dated seriously and involved in their lives since her divorce.  She had never included any man. I was part of weekend family gatherings, trusted to watch her children while she was at work, allowed in her home when she wasn't there to willingly help with chores.  And at dinner her children would openly share in front of both of us that they wanted us to get married someday. That their mom was so happy with me.
 Her parents would say the same. She completely included me as part of her family.  Her children told me she's never invited a man home to meet them, or date anyone long term.  

She began to post all our pictures on social media, clearly stating we were in a wonderful relationship.  This too was the first time she had publicly done this since her divorce, according to her parents and children. She sent a text the other day that asked me to try and understand her.  And this does not seem to add up with what I read about this disorder and woman not having the ability to even recognize their pattern. Stating clearly that, and these are quotes

1) I soo want to be in a relationship with you, I thought I was ready, but I'm not.
2)i feel guilty sometimes because you do so much and I can't seem to take care of your needs, even when I know I Should
3)i love you because everytime I push you away, you never leave me. And I know I'm a horrible girlfriend, but you never leave me.
4) I'm clearly not over my past. And I need more time before I can seriously date you or anyone else.
5)sometimes I love you so much and other times I am irratated because you want to control everything and fix me, when I just need you to listen. Then I feel bad for pushing you away. Because your my knight in not so Shiney Armour. You are humble and make me feel like a princess and love me like no one ever has. I cry myself to sleep.
6)i know it's not fair to be this way to you. Can we please remain friends and take some time, and see if this works out in the future.
7)I'm clearly not ready for serious dating yet, I thought I was, and wanted to be, but I'm not.

Maybe I'm off completely, but my heart cried hearing that. And I said, I'm not leaving you, we'll try it this way. I'm not the guy that will hurt you, or force you or leave you, so I agreed.  Here's the part where my heart got torn out.  She texted non chalantly the next morning. This was a Friday. The one night of the week that she has free, as her children go to their fathers.  I was suspicious of a text that she was going to work and was coming home to sleep because she was so emotionally exhausted. I felt it was a lie.  I live less than a mile away, and suspicion forced me to drive by on the way to work and of course, at 4:30am her car was gone. 2+2= .  She never spends the night out.  That was OUR night. Ugh. That was 2 weeks ago.

I have not confronted her about it. I have now confirmed other such lies. She went silent for 4 days after that night out, and then resumed texting me daily. As recently. As last night, she was saying she was sick and staying home, which I saw she did. Yes, I looked. Please don't condemn me... Lol. She talked all day of sitting and seeing if maybe we should talk last night and see if we can get past the awkward feeling. "I'll text you in a bit" and then nothing till this morning, with a non sensitive text about, "sorry I feel asleep, how's your day" ugh. "Give me some time, I'll be in touch." I'm assuming this is another start to a few days of silent to see if I'll respond.  This is the 3rd such silent treatment.

For the sake of understanding and advice, you should know, we see each other every week, because of church commitments.  And we pass each other seems like daily at the store, in the road, because we love so close. Seeing each other is unavoidable. And frankly it makes me sick to see her parade around church, dressed to nines, looks to kill, smiling away, and I'm the only one who sees the other person in private. It's an act in public.  She engaged me in sex acts that were borderline masochist and talked openly about wanting to be with me and another man, and frequently got off, when she would blindfold me and tie me up and have her way.  As I mentioned, that all got cut off during Devaluation.

My confusion is that she exhibits all the signs of waif BPD, but is inconsistent in that she clearly states she's aware that she exhibits every single one of those traits. With. She never formally ended anything, only the formal status as seriously dating.  Someone please help me understand this better.  A clinical counselor friend of mine feels, that because she actually did involve me so much in her family life, which she had never done, it may have been an honest effort at a real relationship, but she could not break from her broken self for long.  The need for intimacy was probably great, she tried it,  and then when she felt completely engulfed, the push off.  And the protective mechanism of fear of Abandonment kicked back in, and here we are. He feels I may be in a more serious position to be charmed, and really introduced to the seduction sooner than later, because the bond was tight, we see each other regularly, and she knows she can reach me, and we live right around the corner.  He feels the push and pull will continue at an elevated level, because of all those factors and she knows her children adore me, her parents see me every week, there's way too many people and circumstances involved, to simply discard for good, because it would, if nothing else, ruin her public image in all this. And he feels it appears it may truly have begun as an honest attempt to try and find a real relationship for the first time in 3 years since her divorce... .. So I'm asking the advice, of anyone, BPD females, people with experience, anyone.  Thank you for your advice and experience in this.

[oranges_c6870]

I have found myself in completely uncharted territory.  And am asking for advice.  I am 44, ex girlfriend is 39, with a history of Abandonment from her father in childhood, sexual abuse in teen years, and having been cheated on after 13 years of marriage. Now divorced.  

It has been three years since their divorce, and I innocently enough noticed this woman at church.  Extremely attractive and a personality that at least at first appearance was intoxicating. I contacted her, and talked for a few days.  First date was beyond anything I could put in words.  The seduction was tangible.  The first night that stare into my eyes, followed by her comment, "let's go" and you can surmise where that night went.  

I have just now started reading on BPD after being directed there by a mutual friend who shed some light on her past, and out of concern for me, so I am new at Understanding all of this.  The first month fits perfectly into the Idealization stage.  Sex was frequent and completely uninhibited.  Talk of marriage and showing me rings after a few weeks.  I got lost in this bliss.  

As I'm now seeing, the Devaluation stage started in month two, with denial of sex, or allowing me to pleasure her and then walking away with smirk and saying well you had your chance.  I was directed to this page for support.  

She fits to a T, every characteristic of the waif BPD female.  And as I'm learning more about ME, in this, I fit the ideal receptacle for this woman.  The nice guy, who still deals with abandonment issues of his own, and will completely sacrifice himself to cater to his lover, and allow to be used as a doormat.  Clearly things I need to look internally on and receive help with.

I realize now the three major relationships in my life, including my marriage have all the same characteristics. The Devaluation and Triangulation with her ex husband, and a female she works with, and openly shared wanted to have sex with her, is now obvious in hindsight. And it achieved her goal. I became overly protective and even offered to have the woman join us. And strive to please her more, while receiving maybe 25% of the effort I put into to doing for her.  

I know this is a  typical story, but I am newly aware of this abusive cycle and need help.  Then the disengagement.  3 months in.  I became aware of lies, and of her spending a night with someone prior to us splitting.  I confronted her and she turned it on me, with a lame excuse, no ownership of her actions, and literally turned the scenario on me saying obviously I am the one who ended this by cheating and blaming her. She ended our formal dating relationship, but still continues to even this morning texting and saying please don't leave me, I need you to be my friend. That too I am now reading is part of holding me for future need when she's alone or needs something, or sex, when her current supply gets discarded.  

But here is twist I need guidance on. I have read much that females with this are so detached from their true identity they cannot even see their behavior or its effect on others.  She is displaying something different and I need help understanding this. The other key point, is her family, children made it clear I was the first man in three years she had dated seriously and involved in their lives since her divorce.  She had never included any man. I was part of weekend family gatherings, trusted to watch her children while she was at work, allowed in her home when she wasn't there to willingly help with chores.  And at dinner her children would openly share in front of both of us that they wanted us to get married someday. That their mom was so happy with me.
 Her parents would say the same. She completely included me as part of her family.  Her children told me she's never invited a man home to meet them, or date anyone long term.  

She began to post all our pictures on social media, clearly stating we were in a wonderful relationship.  This too was the first time she had publicly done this since her divorce, according to her parents and children. She sent a text the other day that asked me to try and understand her.  And this does not seem to add up with what I read about this disorder and woman not having the ability to even recognize their pattern. Stating clearly that, and these are quotes

1) I soo want to be in a relationship with you, I thought I was ready, but I'm not.
2)i feel guilty sometimes because you do so much and I can't seem to take care of your needs, even when I know I Should
3)i love you because everytime I push you away, you never leave me. And I know I'm a horrible girlfriend, but you never leave me.
4) I'm clearly not over my past. And I need more time before I can seriously date you or anyone else.
5)sometimes I love you so much and other times I am irratated because you want to control everything and fix me, when I just need you to listen. Then I feel bad for pushing you away. Because your my knight in not so Shiney Armour. You are humble and make me feel like a princess and love me like no one ever has. I cry myself to sleep.
6)i know it's not fair to be this way to you. Can we please remain friends and take some time, and see if this works out in the future.
7)I'm clearly not ready for serious dating yet, I thought I was, and wanted to be, but I'm not.

Maybe I'm off completely, but my heart cried hearing that. And I said, I'm not leaving you, we'll try it this way. I'm not the guy that will hurt you, or force you or leave you, so I agreed.  Here's the part where my heart got torn out.  She texted non chalantly the next morning. This was a Friday. The one night of the week that she has free, as her children go to their fathers.  I was suspicious of a text that she was going to work and was coming home to sleep because she was so emotionally exhausted. I felt it was a lie.  I live less than a mile away, and suspicion forced me to drive by on the way to work and of course, at 4:30am her car was gone. 2+2= .  She never spends the night out.  That was OUR night. Ugh. That was 2 weeks ago.

I have not confronted her about it. I have now confirmed other such lies. She went silent for 4 days after that night out, and then resumed texting me daily. As recently. As last night, she was saying she was sick and staying home, which I saw she did. Yes, I looked. Please don't condemn me... Lol. She talked all day of sitting and seeing if maybe we should talk last night and see if we can get past the awkward feeling. "I'll text you in a bit" and then nothing till this morning, with a non sensitive text about, "sorry I feel asleep, how's your day" ugh. "Give me some time, I'll be in touch." I'm assuming this is another start to a few days of silent to see if I'll respond.  This is the 3rd such silent treatment.

For the sake of understanding and advice, you should know, we see each other every week, because of church commitments.  And we pass each other seems like daily at the store, in the road, because we love so close. Seeing each other is unavoidable. And frankly it makes me sick to see her parade around church, dressed to nines, looks to kill, smiling away, and I'm the only one who sees the other person in private. It's an act in public.  She engaged me in sex acts that were borderline masochist and talked openly about wanting to be with me and another man, and frequently got off, when she would blindfold me and tie me up and have her way.  As I mentioned, that all got cut off during Devaluation.

My confusion is that she exhibits all the signs of waif BPD, but is inconsistent in that she clearly states she's aware that she exhibits every single one of those traits. With. She never formally ended anything, only the formal status as seriously dating.  Someone please help me understand this better.  A clinical counselor friend of mine feels, that because she actually did involve me so much in her family life, which she had never done, it may have been an honest effort at a real relationship, but she could not break from her broken self for long.  The need for intimacy was probably great, she tried it,  and then when she felt completely engulfed, the push off.  And the protective mechanism of fear of Abandonment kicked back in, and here we are. He feels I may be in a more serious position to be charmed, and really introduced to the seduction sooner than later, because the bond was tight, we see each other regularly, and she knows she can reach me, and we live right around the corner.  He feels the push and pull will continue at an elevated level, because of all those factors and she knows her children adore me, her parents see me every week, there's way too many people and circumstances involved, to simply discard for good, because it would, if nothing else, ruin her public image in all this. And he feels it appears it may truly have begun as an honest attempt to try and find a real relationship for the first time in 3 years since her divorce... .. So I'm asking the advice, of anyone, BPD females, people with experience, anyone.  Thank you for your advice and experience in this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi ,

I'm sorry to hear that things have been so confusing for you. Sadly, it sounds common for someone with BPD to just disappear.

Have you tried to contact her? How does the conversation go?

Most of the advice I read about disappearing pwBPD is to just give them a little space and to not chase after them. The more you chase, the more they run. If she asks for you to not contact her, then that needs to be respected. If she is just quiet and unresponsive, sending a text every few days just to say, "Hi. I'm thinking of you and here when you are ready to talk" can show support but not pressure her.

You mentioned that she says you try to control her. What is an example of something she feels like you are controlling?

[Mutt]

Hi oranges_c6870,



It's a good thing that you sought support from a T and a support group now rather than later or never at all. I think that you're articulate with how you presented her side and the T's side and how your past fits into this.

Are you interested in pursuing her?

What if she idealized you all over again, what would your reaction to that be?

[Radcliff]

Welcome oranges, I'm glad you've found us.  Wow, sounds like it's been an exhausting few months for you.  You are quite perceptive and paint a very clear picture.  I'd suggest you read your post again a couple of times, pretending you are an outside observer.  I'm not driving towards a particular conclusion, but I think your powers of assessing the situation are very good.

You asked for specific feedback on what it meant that she included you in her family life.  I agree with your T, it sounds like a genuine effort, but the patterns are very hard to break.

The advice in the previous replies to avoid chasing too much also seems good to me.  Not only does that quiet a little of the drama, it also may help things to progress a little slower, and also keep you from losing yourself, which is a risk when pursuing a high intensity relationship like this. 

Wentworth