I am here to learn

[K.o.t.]

Hello, I am here for the first time. I am 23 and I am from Poland. I am in gay relationship with my girlfriend for almost five years. I am here to learn and to feel that I am not alone. Lots of love   <3

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Frankee]

Welcome to the forum.  Since you are here, it must mean that you suspect your loved one of having BPD or at least the symptoms.  Just from reading and responding the different posts from people on here has made me see that there in not a "text book" symptom or diagnosis for everyone.  I have been noticing a pattern among most though, seems once a BPD gets comfortable in a relationship is when the symptoms start rearing their ugly head.  Mine is prime example.  Today he had an episode.  His rage was completely away from what "triggered" the episode.  Ended up with him basically saying I was a horrible manipulative mother and I was making him angry on purpose.  This man I dealt with earlier was no where to be found when we first started dating.  The man I fell in love with has seemed to take a long leave of absence and been replaced with this raging emotionally abusive person.  I'm trying to recover still from having the rug pulled out from under me.  Part of me knows that he's comfortable with showing his "true hidden" self... but it has also left me with a big target on my forehead for all his abuse and rage... .It's a hard road and times where I don't think I want to keep doing it.

[Mutt]

Hi K.o.t.,

Is your girlfriend diagnosed with BPD or does she display traits of BPD? Can you give us a backstory so that we know how best to help you?

[BowlOfPetunias]

"I have been noticing a pattern among most though, seems once a BPD gets comfortable in a relationship is when the symptoms start rearing their ugly head."

That is what happened to me.  The first red flag I remember was when we went to my wife's (then girlfriend's) friend's wedding several months into our relationship.

We took my car because she did not have one.  Everything was going fine when we got to the parking lot of the reception.  She handed me her handbag before changing her stockings in the car.  I PLACED the handbag on the raised part of the car that was in between the driver and passenger seat with the transmission and hand brake.  She flew into a rage and accused me of "throwing it down" after she had given it to me.  I was shocked because 1) I had not thrown it down, I had gently placed it somewhere within the car that was clearly not the floor--no harm done; 2) she would not listen to my side of the story and just kept raging and insisting that I had thrown it down and that it was an insult; and 3) her anger was way out of proportion.  A little while later, we met up in the reception and she acted as if nothing was wrong.  She hugged me and wanted to start dancing without saying anything about what just happened in the car.  I was shocked that her mood changed so quickly.  I was also hurt from the rage directed against me and confused about the whole situation (why she had been so angry, why she would not listen to my side of the story, why she was now so happy and friendly.)  I wanted an apology for raging at me, but she refused to acknowledge that she had done anything inappropriate just insisted that we move on.  Essentially, I had been flipped White-Black-White and needed to recover from the whiplash.

[Frankee]

"I have been noticing a pattern among most though, seems once a BPD gets comfortable in a relationship is when the symptoms start rearing their ugly head."

Essentially, I had been flipped White-Black-White and needed to recover from the whiplash.

This seems to be a frequent thing.  It's kind of a catch-22.  For me, it has become learned on my part that my BPD husband is comfortable enough to show me that dark side.  Telling me the emotional and psychological scars, that he has two people in his head, one side that protected him when he thought he couldn't survive the abuse when he was younger.  The side that hates me passionately and thinks I'm going to hurt his softer side.  The ability for him to snap back and forth has left me spinning in circles trying to grab onto something solid.  He's regressed.  More frequent episodes.  A lot has changed in the past year and we have some more financial responsibilities, more things to worry about, kids starting school.  I know the amount of stress has gotten heavier, I feel it too.  We're in a better place in regards to our family, but other things have gotten harder.  That part of him that fears abandonment has gotten more intense it seems like.  He's been pushing harder about telling me if I don't like certain things to leave, doing things that are hurtful... things that he knows I don't like.  Then on his good days, he's affectionate, kind, more pleasant.  The flip flop at it's grandest.  I see this push pull method he's doing.  It's hurts something horrible when he's pushing.  I'm not leaving though.  I'm not leaving my kids, my house, or anything else.  I may have messed up my life, but I will be damned if I allow our kids to go through any of the pain he went through.  Our kids are going to be raised as normal emotionally healthy adults, no matter how hard I have to fight to keep it together now.

[Radcliff]

Welcome to our community, K.o.t.!  As Mutt suggested, if you can share some details on what you are seeing in your relationship that is burdening you, that will help us get a conversation going.

Wentworth