I wish I had never heard of BPD but now that I have...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I wish I had never heard of BPD.  Now I am so certain that my friend of 9 years, who I had an intense relationship with for 2 months and painted me black soon after I declared my love, has it.

Without finding out about BPD (by researching symptoms after the split) I could eventually have shrugged her off as a nasty piece of work who I just didn't know as well as I thought I did, and move on after a month or 2.   But knowing about BPD and how her actions are nothing to do with me,  I've turned the other cheek countless times as I've tried to make peace with her only to receive more cruel treatment,  now it's got to the point where she's threatening to report me for harassment despite all my contact being with friendly overtones - she can twist anything I say to take it offensively.

As I said I've known her 9 years and always enjoyed her company (not a close friend, but a friend all the same) - I'm just overcome with the urge to continue to forgive even in the face of her threatening to report me.  And with that forgiveness comes my concern for her and for my replacements. Even though I can no longer contact her, I think about her all the time, we've been split for over 5 months and I'm very frustrated that I can't stop thinking about her at this stage. 

I know her dating history, she's 33 with no relationships lasting over 2 years, and I know a few of her ex's and they have had the same experience as me.  I sometimes feel the only way I can achieve a semblence of closure is to get me and the ex's together, sit down with her friends and explain to them what we've been through and hopefully her friends could convince her to seek therapy?  Otherwise I fear she is destined to repeat this cycle again and again, and that can't be good for her or the poor guys that go without her.

Failing that, does anyone have tips about switching my brain away from forgiveness? I feel its the forgiving that is causing this to drag out. Can any of you relate to this?

[Dargumin]

I wish I had never heard of BPD.  Now I am so certain that my friend of 9 years, who I had an intense relationship with for 2 months and painted me black soon after I declared my love, has it.

Without finding out about BPD (by researching symptoms after the split) I could eventually have shrugged her off as a nasty piece of work who I just didn't know as well as I thought I did, and move on after a month or 2.   But knowing about BPD and how her actions are nothing to do with me,  I've turned the other cheek countless times as I've tried to make peace with her only to receive more cruel treatment,  now it's got to the point where she's threatening to report me for harassment despite all my contact being with friendly overtones - she can twist anything I say to take it offensively.

As I said I've known her 9 years and always enjoyed her company (not a close friend, but a friend all the same) - I'm just overcome with the urge to continue to forgive even in the face of her threatening to report me.  And with that forgiveness comes my concern for her and for my replacements. Even though I can no longer contact her, I think about her all the time, we've been split for over 5 months and I'm very frustrated that I can't stop thinking about her at this stage. 

I know her dating history, she's 33 with no relationships lasting over 2 years, and I know a few of her ex's and they have had the same experience as me.  I sometimes feel the only way I can achieve a semblence of closure is to get me and the ex's together, sit down with her friends and explain to them what we've been through and hopefully her friends could convince her to seek therapy?  Otherwise I fear she is destined to repeat this cycle again and again, and that can't be good for her or the poor guys that go without her.

Failing that, does anyone have tips about switching my brain away from forgiveness? I feel its the forgiving that is causing this to drag out. Can any of you relate to this?

[Tarquin42]

As someone who forgave the behavior for forty years, it is my opinion that it is best to part on the best terms possible and not look back. Although we all want our partners to seek help and hopefully gain more control over their emotions, it doesn't happen until they decide it's time and acknowledge the symptoms.

[Mutt]

Hi Dargumin,



I can relate with your post. I'd like to start by saying if you're contemplating forgiveness a good place to start is forgiveness for yourself if you have regrets.

Although we all want our partners to seek help and hopefully gain more control over their emotions, it doesn't happen until they decide it's time and acknowledge the symptoms.

I'd like to add to this, if she's in a r/s with someone else, she's not for you to worry about. Let's look at this from the opposite way, what would it like if a friends ex came to me and said that I think your friend is mentally ill, can you convince her to get help? Would it look like an ex that can't get over their friend?

What I would suggest is shift the focus away from her and focus on yourself. She's an adult she can have a r/s with whomever she pleases, ultimately it's up to her to get help for herself, nobody else can decide for her.

Obviously you cared a lot about her, that says something about you, maybe look at that and see if you can do some self work there. Do I have CD traits ( codependency ) Do i tend to others needs and neglect myself, what can improve there?

[Lucky Jim]

What I would suggest is shift the focus away from her and focus on yourself. She's an adult she can have a r/s with whomever she pleases, ultimately it's up to her to get help for herself, nobody else can decide for her.

Hey Dargumin, I concur w/Mutt: it's about putting yourself first and figuring out what is the right path for you.  You are not responsible for the well-being of another adult.  That's up to her.  Suggest you return the focus to yourself and come up with what works for you.

LJ

[Dargumin]

Hey Dargumin, I concur w/Mutt: it's about putting yourself first and figuring out what is the right path for you.  You are not responsible for the well-being of another adult.  That's up to her.  Suggest you return the focus to yourself and come up with what works for you.

LJ

Having spoken to the other ex's and having known her 9 years... .it feels like Im the only one who has put the pieces of the puzzle together and realised she has BPD. Armed with this knowledge I feel terrible to just let her suffer in ignorance to her condition.  She's not a girl i just met on a dating site - I have a stronger connection...   I can , with the help of ex's,  either 1) tell her (worst idea) 2 ) tell her friends 3) tell the new guy... .not to put him off her but so he is best placed to help her.

Shes a fantastic human when she isnt crushing your soul, and deserves a chance to find lifelong happiness.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Darg, I can appreciate that you care a lot about this person, yet I would suggest that, coming from you, this information is likely to be poorly received and is best left to a professional.

LJ

[Harley Quinn]

Welcome Dargumin 

Forgiveness is a great thing, and you can forgive in the peace of your own mind and then let go.  This is healthy.  It doesn't require spoken words or actions to back it up and solidify it. 

I know exactly what you are battling with here.  You want the best for her, as do I my ex, and I was concerned for my replacement as he was also violent towards the end of our r/s.  What I found was that as I detached more, these urges passed and I became willing to allow others' lives to unfold without my involvement. 

By feeling compelled to act, the link is kept alive and to move on with your life, that link must be severed.  I know it is hard and probably feels like it goes against every fibre of your being (as it did for myself) yet it's important to look at where these urges stem from.  Being a caretaker is noble, however it can be destructive for us when it takes over our own well being and comes ahead of our emotional health. 

Take a deep breath, give up the quest and direct that love towards yourself.  She will handle her own life how she chooses, whenever she is ready.  There is no doubt that she is aware of the ways her behaviours affect her life.  Allow her to take responsibility for herself.  For a pwBPD this is a kindness.   

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Shes a fantastic human when she isnt crushing your soul, and deserves a chance to find lifelong happiness.

I'm sure she is, I had a lot of feelings for my ex, I never saw her as a mental illness, she's a person that happens to be mentally ill. She survived before you and she'll survive after you. She'll be alright, you have to accept that this who she is.

You can take a look at the link for radical acceptance, when we want someone to be something other than themselves it can cause a lot of unnecessary distress. She is who she is.

Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)