I'm smarter now and stronger, but I still struggle...

[Ragnar1982]

Been a long time, everyone. Haven't posted in a while as I went through another couple of recycles. This just came in after 10 days NC. I'm smarter now and stronger, but I still struggle thinking of a life without my ex. Several weeks ago she shared some personal details about me to the one person She knows I would never be OK with doing so.  Got this email an hour ago... .Thoughts on replying?

My love,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that when I had you I pushed you away. I'm sorry that I disclosed something you held dear. I'm sorry that we could have had a wonderful life and I screwed it up. My heart aches every day for you. I miss you terribly... .it's almost unbearable. I wish you knew that all I wanted, was to show you that we could finally have a extraordinary life together. I wanted birthdays, holidays, finally a Christmas together. I wanted to protect you, to make you happy, to show you undying love forever. You're the love of my life, "Ragnar". The greatest love I have ever felt is for you. I would have done anything to make up for my mistakes, the things that led you not to trust in me. I miss your soul, the way you make me feel, the way you make love to me, your touch, your heart... .
I'm so sorry, and I will live with regret for the rest of my life. No need to reply... .
Love always,
Exgf

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rayban]

Actions will always speak louder then words.  The letter reads like a charm attempt pulling at your heart strings. What's actually changed for her?

Keep on with NC and build on that.

[once removed]

why disappear when you get back in the relationship? why not work with us on the Saving board?

recycling a relationship is very common in any relationship. when those relationships get into a cycle of make up/break up the downward trajectory is hard to stop. without a radically different plan and approach from at least one party, you can expect the same results.

what happened? why did she disclose this and to whom? was she just being a blabbermouth, was it a vindictive action, how did you respond? are you done with the relationship?

[Mutt]

Hi Ragnar1982,



We can't tell you what to do, whatever she did sounds like she hurt you.

Several weeks ago she shared some personal details about me to the one person She knows I would never be OK with doing so.

What happened here? Did she cross a boundary that's a deal breaker for you?

[Ragnar1982]

Once Removed:

We were a re weeks into a solid recycle. Things were seemingly going well, but some insecure and controlling behavior I've seen all too often came roaring back in a moment's notice. I broke things off and told her I don't want this relationship anymore. That was followed up by weeks of texts here and there, mostly begging me. Then randomly I got a VM from her ex husband whom I have had blocked for a while. He made mention of a court case involving a family situation with my kids, and not a very supportive message, mind you. This man has been lurking around for as long as I've known her. Constantly begging, and sometimes stalking her. She eggs him on and after two years of witnessing this I see she keeps he and I holding on so she can bounce back and forth at will. When I confronted her about sharing any information about that with him she tried to spin her way out of it. She knows, and I made it very clear, that this is not a person I want to know anything about me. He's a bit of a crazy person himself. I told her about 10 days ago I do not trust her anymore, and that I never will again. She flew off the handle at this news, and now is trying to butter me up I think.

Mutt:
Yeah, she's crossed a lot of boundaries, but this was the last straw of many over two years. I miss her, and I miss the love we shared, but I don't try and convince myself any of it is real anymore. I'd be embarrassed telling anyone I'm back with her, and the ongoing and childish relationship she still has with her ex is the real deal breaker. The two may be perfect for each other! 

I'm just not sure if I should respond to this or not. It just all feels very manipulative, especially the way it ends with "no need to reply". I've been telling myself she wrote this to make herself feel better and maybe vindicated, especially if I don't respond. Then she'd be "right", and I "don't care about her". Feels like she has something else going on, maybe not that happy, and wants to be sure I'm not mad at her so I can hang out in the stable until she's ready for me.

[Mutt]

Ragnar1982,

I don't know if I'd delve too deeply if she has ulterior motives with the note. Ultimately it's your choice if you want to recycle or not.

I think the ex husband is still attached to her, you can see for yourself' how it's childish behaviour, it's something that you're aware of and if you don't want to be attached to her anymore after the split then you can be different than him by following the lessons on the board and detach. If you let her know that's a soft for you that she goes to him about you, sh'll exploit it.

BPD is an attachment disorder where a pwBPD don't completely detach from someone, it's a part of the disorder but it takes two. Also, three people makes s triangle, stay in the middle,BPD is the dramatic cluster for mental illnesses, a pwBPD either want rescue s'or sometimes rescue, she went to her ex because she wanted rescue, again that is the nature of BPD, learn to depersonalize it.

The choice lays with you, what's your boundary? To echo   once removed nothing changes without change.

[once removed]

I'm just not sure if I should respond to this or not.

i agree with Mutt that i wouldnt look too much at ulterior motives in her note.

my read of it is that it is sincere, but full of fluff. shes sorry and she loves you. its not clear she gets the gravity of this offense or why its problematic. and if youre done, its not really important that she does.

"no need to reply" is just expressing vulnerability and trying to manage her own expectations of whether you do or not.

you dont have to, but letting her know the past is water under the bridge and youre moving on is graceful - she can offload some shame and know you dont hate her (we all want that comfort post relationship), and it also communicates you have no intention of going back. short and sweet. what do you think?

[Ragnar1982]

Thank you both as I work through this.

I feel like I have two options here:
1. I reply as suggested by OR. However, past experiences with her show that when I do reply, even gracefully, it just opens up the door to her trying to delve further into communication. I think my responses in the past have looked like an "in" to her, and that I'm not fully gone.

2. I don't respond. Past experiences show that if I don't then in a few days I will receive more communication trying to guilt me or lash out at me in anger. It's these experiences that make me think replying is just for her satisfaction, not because she really means what she said.

I'm leaning towards option 2. At the end of the day, I don't feel emotionally safe with her anymore. I have sacrificed a lot of my own values and morals over the past two years for the sake of her emotional well being. Her continuing on with her ex after all of this time makes me incredibly uncomfortable, and I don't think I can ever trust her again. I don't want to subject myself to their immaturity anymore, and I finally feel like I don't have to.

I believe 100% that she has detachment problems. And that no matter what there is someone waiting in the wings to give her a lift when she needs it, her ex or otherwise. I'm beyond trust. It's really crappy when you feel terrible without someone, but also terrible when you're with them!

[once removed]

However, past experiences with her show that when I do reply, even gracefully, it just opens up the door to her trying to delve further into communication. I think my responses in the past have looked like an "in" to her, and that I'm not fully gone.

if you follow option #1, matter of factly close the door. dont be ambiguous. use words like "moving on". we can help with the wording here. it would look to me like "no ill will, best we both move on, best of luck".

this may alleviate more communication trying to guilt you or lash out at you in anger. it may not.

responding or not certainly isnt life or death. if youre not comfortable acknowledging her letter, and you think that if she lashes out she will spend herself and go away and not escalate beyond that, youre not obligated to, her own words say "no reply needed".

[Ragnar1982]

I'm going to take my time with this one and at least see how I feel tomorrow about it. I'm going back and forth between the two choices here.

Many times have I used the language suggested, but to no avail. I usually get sucked back in somehow. I know that she doesn't respect boundaries or requests like you have made. That's on me for not staying steadfast, so I guess I can't blame her. I'll think on it some more and check back in tomorrow. Thank you

[once removed]

I'm going to take my time with this one and at least see how I feel tomorrow about it.

this is wise. i cant recall a decision ive felt conflicted about, slept on it, and felt less than clear about the next day. take your time.

[Ragnar1982]

Just following up... .

I've decided to leave this be. At the end of the day I have to ask myself at this point what's in it for me? I don't have any intention of going back to her right now, so I don't want to risk opening up that line of communication again. If anything, it may just cause her more hurt (if she is really hurting) if I have to tell her all over again that it's over. If I truly love this person, which I do, I have to let her heal and move on in her own way without interfering. At the same time I feel like I'm allowing myself to do the same. Maybe some day things will be different, but I'm not ready for them to be right now.