Ex had BPD and now my GF has BPD

[Pixel218]

Hello! I am finally getting around joining this site, although I learned about it back in 2014. My situation is somewhat complicated, so please be patient with me. First of all, I am polyamorous, meaning I have multiple consensual romantic relationships at the same time. In 2014, my therapist at the time told me "I've never met your boyfriend, so I can't diagnose him, but I really think you should read this book," and handed me a copy of the Family Guide to BPD. After reading it, I realized it accurately described my partner. Fast forward a few years, and the relationship turned physically abusive. I left, but came back when he promised to get help. He did go and see a doctor but only said he was depressed, nothing about his other symptoms. He quickly stopped taking his medication because he didn't like how it made him feel. We tried couple's counseling, but he was resentful of it and soon that stopped too. We finally broke up a few weeks ago, although he is still for the time being living with me. Now here is were things get even more messed up. My girlfriend (my reason for mentioning poly) was just diagnosed with BPD last week. Even without my ex getting an official diagnosis, I knew I was living with someone with BPD. My girlfriend (of 5 years, so not someone I would want to walk away from unless I absolutely had to) has never (towards me) exhibited the same signs as my ex, but I've seen her lash out at others close to her, and she tends to emotionally withdraw more than he did. I am trying to be supportive of her (she was expecting to be told she was bipolar, so the BPD was an unexpected shock), but at the same time my mind is reeling, wondering if I'm not crazy to try to stay with her when I just got out of years of hell with my ex. I don't want to let the past with my ex overly color my reactions to her, as I've said, she has never lashed out at me the way he did. I know they are 2 very different people who are affected by the BPD in different ways. But part of me is just feeling completely exhausted at the thought at going through this again, which isn't fair to her.

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[JoeBPD81]

hI Pixel218

I don't have personal experience with the polyamorous part, but there has been some other members who have, at least 4 in the last 9 months.

I don't know if now you have only this relationship, as I understand.

I can relate to the feeling of exhaustion thinking you have to face difficulties and work you tried in the past. I think it's all very recent, and you can bear it a little until the dust settles and you can make an informed decission. You have a recent break up, and your girlfriend a recent diagnosis. Both shaking events, that need time to adjust.

As you say she doesn't present the radical behaviors asociated with the stigma of BPD, she can have a mild case, only traits, and she can get much better, and lead a fullfiling life and relationship.

I recomend you both the book: "The buddha and the borderline" to come in peace with the disorder. As you have seen, a person is not a dissorder. They can be radicaly different to one another. I've read there are about 900 combinations of syntoms of BPD, so even the disorder can be very different. People definitely are. We, humans, look for patterns, that's how our brain works and how we make sense of reality, so we tend to put a lot of people in the same basket, we find similarities, and we think "these two people are the same". With the same people we can focus in the differences and think "these two people have nothing to do with one another".

I normally say: "take a look at the lessons... ." But I get the feeling that you need some time first, and that you can get stressed out if you think you have a lot to learn. Take things slow. At the rhythm that feels good to you. Keep posting and ask questions if you are comfortable with that. We are here to listen.

Best of luck

[Mutt]

Hi Pixel218,



I'd like to join JoeBPD81 and welcome you to bpdfamily. I don't know if you reached for support when you were with your expwBPD, assuming that you haven't, good for you for reaching out for help. What BPD traits does your girlfriend have? She could be the quiet BPD type.

[Pixel218]

Thank you both. Her psychiatrist said she had "extreme dissociative BPD, that from what she and others had noted she had been dealing with it for years without realizing it, and that it was going to get much worse before it got better." My ex had the very violent outbursts, but I've never seen or heard of her being violent. She will snap and verbally lash out sometimes (never towards me, but towards other people who are close to her. She thinks her brain has for some reason decided I'm "safe" and doesn't turn her against me). She tends to "go dark" as she calls it, frequently. She will either completely shut down communication and go hide in her room (she is also agoraphobic which the Dr. said was a symptom) and not talk to anyone for several hours to several days, or she will be completely uncaring and "numb". She described it to me as "I *know* I love this person, but right now I completely don't feel it. I don't feel anything." She apparently hit every single one of the diagnostic criteria for BPD.

Right now we are just taking things one day at a time and trying to process everything. She was supposed to start the process today to be assigned a therapist, but chickened out and all of her support network had to work this morning (which is rare, we all have different schedules and usually someone is free to go with her to appointments if she wants the company). So right now she is guilting herself because she chickened out and didn't go, and beating herself up for wanting someone with her and feeling like she shouldn't need someone with her, she's a hassle, it's not fair to us to have to take time out of our lives to go with her to things, etc etc. So I'm trying to calm her down over text while I'm at work.