Yesterday was a bad day

[confusedbloke]

It was my first full day of NC. The reality is finally upon me. I was all over the place. I hope today goes better. She's certainly had an affect on me that's for sure. Keep going through them "if only she had... ." and "if only I had... ."... .thoughts. I guess I'm just in mourning and I'm grieving a loss... .as painful as it gets... .hope it doesn't last too long... .

[JaxDK]

Hi confusedbloke

I've been where you are a few months ago and past that stage now. I can promise you it gets better. This was the most difficult stage to get through, but you will get through it.

The ruminating
Wishful thinking
Pacing
Anxiousness
The pain in the pit of your stomach
Analyzing everything and every encounter with her
Wanting to get into a new relationship as quick as possible to numb the pain (and hopefully have an affect on her)
Wishing for a recycle

The list goes on.

There's no time frame how long this will last for you, as it's different for everyone. Our brains are a marvelous construction, it will do most of the work for you if you let it. What has helped for me is trying to return to the person I was before her, losing weight, going to the gym, buying new clothes basically improving on myself every way I could. Using friends to vent, but not too much. Even friends can get exhausted from hearing about it all the time. Go out and be social even if you don't feel like it/won't get anything out of it right now. Start new routines and stick with them. In the beginning it won't seem to help much if at all but if you keep doing it, it's going to have a positive effect.

Before you know it, your bad days will become less and less. Just accept and embrace this stage. You're a human being, you are suppose to feel. This will pass

[confusedbloke]

Hi Jax,

Thanks a lot for the response

Its comforting to know that it will get better.  Yes that's exactly how I feel right now.  Ive just been to the doctors and I told him whats been going on.  He has upped my medication and said that I have I deal with the fact that people are people and some people are just like that, no matter what I do.  He also said there is no excuse for abuse.  It is something that in time I will process.  I said I still have an attachment to her even though she completely abused me.  He said its natural as you detach... .I'll be searching for answers etc... .He again reiterated, that people are just people... .its out of my hands how she is / was... .He also said shes probably been that way her whole life... .  That rang a bell... .and was comforting to hear... .

I do need to get new routines.  Need to try new stuff... .my son started kickboxing and I tried one lesson a couple of months ago... but was so exhausted for 2 days after that I didn't go again... .maybe I was just exhausted emotionally also.  The lesson would be tomorrow night... .maybe I should go?

And yes I am human... .thank you

[JaxDK]

You're welcome 

If kickboxing is too strenuous, try something else. We have something called Loop fitness here which is right up my alley since I haven't worked out since I was 22. I'm 42 now. 24 minutes and I'm done.

Your doctor is right. She's been dealing with it her whole life and will continue to do so in the future. It doesn't feel like it right now but getting out probably saved your life in ways you can't imagine. These people can cause some serious damage without meaning to. You can't fix or manage it which is another mindset that's hard to come out of during this grieving stage.

Keep doing you and let her do her.