How do they justify having had so many relationships with all their exes being evil

[Rayban]

I get that they can't be alone, and they blame us because accepting responsability would mean to them that they are defective and they can't live with that.

How do they justify having had so many relationships with all their exes being evil? Do they blame it on bad luck?

My ex in her early thirties spins it that she's too nice ... .LOL and she can't help but fall for people that need help and then they turn on her. A real modern day Mother Teresa. I think she preys on the good hearted with weak boundries.  A person with strong boundries would see right through them. That's why they stay away.

She's been doing this since she's 18. I believe she is self aware, but knows no other way to cope.  She's high functiong knowing when to move on the job front and being able to get a new job. I think she accepts her way of living, and is unwilling to change because she still is able to get away with it. People come and go from her life sometimes wanting nothing to do with her. She paints those people black and does anything to vilify them

Alas soon her looks and sex appeal will fade.  What will she do then for supply? Sad really if you think about it. Beautiful, sharp woman who wil waste her life away. Thankfully,  she isn't my problem anymore.

[once removed]

Rayban,

it will add up if you shift and broaden your thinking - let go of "they". none of what youre describing is unique to BPD, and people with BPD traits are not monolithic.

How do they justify having had so many relationships with all their exes being evil? Do they blame it on bad luck?

i would bet a large chunk of money youve heard others do this that dont have BPD. most of us on this board go through our share of it  . girl ive known since eighth grade has been "in love" in every relationship shes ever been in. shed tell you shes just a nice girl who would do anything for you, but she keeps being dumped because she comes on way too strong and she doesnt see it. another gal i know has been "walked all over" and has a history of "dating losers"; she will tell you this in the same sentence where she details what a difficult partner she is. neither of these people has BPD.

my ex does. she can be alone. shes been single for some years now. she went back to school, landed her dream job, and now is taking it further into graduate school. she doesnt view all her exes as evil. she would talk at length about an earlier ex she still thought of fondly, and the mistakes and over the top behavior she was responsible for. shes not the exception to the rule. the idea that someone with BPD traits "cant be alone" is an urban legend. ever hear of the hermit type? some people with BPD are introverts - very much need their space and alone time.

years ago i would have told you all about my history of dating "crazies". when i first learned about BPD, i tagged them all. i saw BPD in the same way. sure i knew there were some distinctions, some different flavors, but it seemed to me they were all cut from the same cloth, right? it was a huge turning point in my recovery, and my understanding of BPD, when i started looking at these sorts of behaviors, some of which are pathological, in terms of human nature; i began to see that BPD played a role in my relationship, but wasnt responsible for its ending any more than it was for it beginning. letting go of "they" will help you see the big picture, and that will help you detach.

seeing any ex whom you once felt very strongly for, as evil, is a response to hurt and/or rejection. it is splitting, which is not unique to BPD, but is, however, prevalent among people with BPD. seeing all your exes as evil is about a world view, and how one perceives others, how they perceive themselves, and how they cope. its about a level of differentiation (differentiation explained here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279626.0)

low self esteem is sometimes at the heart of that world view. people with low self esteem do have difficulty not just accepting, but really seeing responsibility largely because they cant differentiate between identifying areas that need improvement and beliefs that they are defective. low self esteem is insidious. it colors and distorts everything. low self esteem is prevalent among people with BPD. its also prevalent among their partners.

and seeing an ex(es) as evil is a common belief that is prevalent in society in general. a great deal of the world believes that in order to get over an ex we have to see the bad, and/or forget the good (splitting), and or get into another relationship. its why i believed there was something wrong with me for missing my ex, or even feeling badly over the breakup.

read up on that link about differentiation. it will be eye opening, and youll see a lot of these maladaptive coping mechanisms all around you. you may identify some within yourself. anyone, including someone with BPD can change in this regard. but its some of the hardest stuff to change. rethinking ones world view is scary. realigning it is not something people are naturally equipped to do and we only tend to do it when the way we have organized our life stops working for us.

hope this helps.

[Rayban]

You are right and my post was full of generalizations.  I agree, BPD is a spectrum disorder ranging from the introverted to the vivacious. 

I should have been speaking from my own experience with a BPD ex that dates multiple people at a time. While she was pushing me away she was pulling some one else in. This is from a woman who admitted to having been with a lot of people.

So if I speak from my own personal experience of having an ex  who's stated that she has whole families against her, who's been living through the same relationship failures (her words not mine) . Who trudges on, reliving the same outcome every time,  but yet she continues doing it. Sure lots of normal people have yet to find the "one", but I doubt the same pattern plays out every single time.

Furthermore a person who's never been single for over 12 years cannot be differentiated.

I agree it shouldnt matter to me, but I was just interested in the defence mechanisms involved with my BPDex.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Rayban,
  I think a lot of it is just the nature of the disorder however Heartandwhole has a point... .I know people who always play the victim yet are very self aware in other areas of their lives. I wouldn't consider these people BPD, they aren't running around filing restraining orders and making up unbelievable stories about their exes, they are the more "woe is me", "nothing good happens to me" people than "please rescue me from the stalking, abusive ex I have", it's all "HER fault we didn't work out".
It's a different kind of blame.

When they are with a secured replacement you won't hear from them because they have pretty much transferred your relationship onto the next. They need that attachment. People are interchangeable but the dynamic is often the same. There are days I wonder why my ex is lasting with the person she left me for. There are so many factors... .she lives with this ex, which you think would be a huge trigger but maybe she needed more security in that area. All I know is every ex before me was a "stalker" "rapist" "drug dealer" you name it and I can't fathom those stories changing. I met some of these people and those were bold-face lies. Nice people, broken people like myself but not these dangerous persecutors she made them out to be.

[once removed]

I agree it shouldnt matter to me, but I was just interested in the defence mechanisms involved with my BPDex.

i wouldnt say it shouldnt matter to you Rayban. learning about BPD in general, and learning about BPD as it applies to our exes is part of the process. i would agree with you that if you want to learn more this is a great place to do it. over generalizing just obscures the particular issues we faced.

i am also, at nineish months, trying to help shift your thinking to a broader scope. BPD is a gateway to learning more about psychology and human nature; about ourselves, and others. it will help build self awareness and navigating skills in a world (and a dating world) full of difficult people.

so if im reading you right, youre wondering about two questions:

1. whats up with my ex not having been single for 12 years?
2. why is her narrative and the results always the same?

do i have that right?

[Rayban]

Once removed,

That is correct. I know she is self aware, as she once told me that she had a friend tell her she should seek help to find the reason behind the multitude of relationships that end the same way.

She chooses to continue on.

[love4meNOTu]

Hi Rayban-

My ex is on his fourth marriage last I heard, but that was a couple of years ago. I remember a time when my ex was giving teenage dating advice to my son, he said something like "If it doesn't work out, ON to the NEXT!".

That really was his philosophy when it came to relationships. At the time, I laughed, because it seemed silly, but looking back just now I had one of those Wow moments. He was being truthful!

But you know something, if he didn't feel that way I would have been stuck fighting for a divorce and perhaps losing some of my assets. I think because he had already moved on, he didn't look back and want to harm me and my family more than he already had, because he had something new to focus on.

I will tell you this though - he did spin many tales about his previous wives being unfaithful. Friends told me a few things that he had said about me, but mostly it was just that he suspected I was cheating but could not find out with whom. I actually felt a bit sorry for him at that point in time, such a waste of energy on his part.

L

[once removed]

  Rayban,

before i reply, i assume you would consider her an impulsive person?

[Rayban]

Rayban,

before i reply, i assume you would consider her an impulsive person?

Yes. Self admitted.  Can't delay gratification.  Has dabbled in drugs, alcohol, gambling, excessive speed, reckless driving, and of course promiscuity both men and women.

Despite all this she's functional charasmatic, smart.  It helps that she has a supportive family that has bailed her out in the past.

[once removed]

i have a close friend who is very impulsive. it causes her to repeatedly lose control and do self defeating things in romantic relationships. impulsivity may explain a lot of it - relationship appears and theres no foresight, no thought, no plan. i dont really pretend to understand it too well, because i cant relate to it, but ive seen it, its very real, and a person with that level of impulsivity has a serious struggle to overcome or control it.

that gal i mentioned with a history of "dating losers"? every day i see some post about loving being single and loving yourself, and yada yada, while shes pursuing a relationship. thats a societal thing - a lot of people believe its abnormal, or that theres something wrong with them if they arent in a relationship, or that they are only their best self within a relationship. its what they know.

as for seeing all her exes as evil, all while she experiences the same results? lets take this back to the roots: emotional (im)maturity and level of differentiation. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279626.0

14. Making no heroes; taking no victims.

15. Giving up the search for the arrival of a Knight in Shining Armour who will save me from the beautiful struggles and possibilities presented in everyday living.

this one i can relate to .

as most of us here know, fantasies are hard to let go of. first you have to identify that youre living a fantasy in the first place. and if you lack the tools and insight to do that, well... .

and then you have to disentangle yourself from it and let it go, which is scary (it actually goes back to everyones core wound of abandonment from infancy), and we also may lack the tools and insight to do that part. sometimes its easier to live in the fantasy.

you may run into the same results each time, but thats part of the fantasy - the next time will be different. the results (the exes) threaten that fantasy.

I know she is self aware, as she once told me that she had a friend tell her she should seek help to find the reason behind the multitude of relationships that end the same way.

She chooses to continue on.

self awareness is a catalyst for change, but its not the same as taking responsibility and accountability. a well differentiated person sees and takes responsibility. she may know that her relationships end the same way. she may not see the bigger picture of her life, her struggles, and herself as the common denominator. i know i didnt, and honestly, it was not for lack of effort. i didnt have the tools or the insight.

they aren't running around filing restraining orders and making up unbelievable stories about their exes, they are the more "woe is me", "nothing good happens to me" people than "please rescue me from the stalking, abusive ex I have", it's all "HER fault we didn't work out".
It's a different kind of blame.

i dont think its a different kind of blame (members here have filed restraining orders and excoriated their exes. that has little to do with BPD, and more about fear, splitting, coping, how one handles conflict and adversity, rejection, etc). i think it all stems from a worldview that things happen to us that we have no control over, arent responsible/accountable for. its a victim mentality. thats one (i havent met a member here otherwise including myself) that we can all relate to.

to lesser or greater degrees, it can drive a persons life. seeing that and changing can be a bit like learning and accepting that the sky is actually green, and then changing your life and the rules you live by to adapt to that.

[Seenowayout]

I hope I'm not derailing the thread here, but I agree with Rayban's original post.  My exBPD thought all her exes were evil.  I was thinking about it the other day.  My ex was married 3 times and had countless lovers -- they were all bad.  Never her fault.  How can she possibly believe that?  Because she could never stand a hint of criticism -- a typical trait.  She told me she never loved anyone but me.  Like a needy codependent sucker I fell for it. But when I was painted black and the relationship ended -- she told me I was evil!  Evil!  No one ever called me evil.   

And now she loves another man.  An ex-con.  A man looking for a mail order wife before he met her.  And he told me she says she loves him.  So whatever.  Just wait and see.

I had my share of relationships.  I never thought the other party was evil -- not even my crazy exBPD.  The relationships ended because we weren't ultimately compatible for the long haul.  We often remained acquaintances.  Could at least chit chat at the supermarket.   As adults, were realized the fault was with me and her.  That to me is rational.  Her point of view -- perpetual victim, the whole world is bad, all  out to get her.  Which of course it simply is not.   Why would she even keep getting back up at bat?   If I thought that way I couldn't even get out of bed!

Sad