Jillianna
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 56
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« on: September 13, 2017, 07:26:27 PM » |
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I haven't posted in probably 4 years or so-- I went no contact with my sister and have made lots of strides in healing and feeling good. My life is vastly improved without her in it.
I'm going to try to sort out my feelings and explain why I've posted today, I am sorry if it gets long or there is extraneous information, but I am feeling pretty mixed up at the moment!
I suppose you could say my parents are co-dependant with my sister-- they don't wish to go "no contact" or even really acknowledge that she has mental health problems. I can understand some aspects of this-- they want to keep sis's daughter, their grand-daughter in their life. But they also are, I believe, scared to tell my sister "no" in really any capacity, and this has only gotten worse with grand-daughter on the scene-- I can't be sure, but knowing my sister for 43 years, I am pretty certain she uses my niece as a "carrot." I have empathy for their predicament, and over the last 5 years that I have been NC with my sister, I have done my best to be accommodating and conflict-free in terms of splitting time with my parents. The last thing I want is to make my parents feel they have to choose sides.
I'm proud of being able to maintain my boundaries respectfully and firmly with my mom-- every 6 months or so she tries to get me to resume contact with my sister, sometimes deviously (inviting me to dinner and then saying "oh, and your sister is coming too" sometimes with a guilt-trip ("it's such a shame you don't know your niece, I wish you could get together with your sister for niece's sake". I tell her in very clear and short statements why it isn't possible "Sister has BPD, and I am much happier having NC with her, and there is far less conflict in my life this way. We've talked about this before."
Ok-- so 5 years of NC has been the best choice I could have made. My husband and I are so much happier. I have finally shaken of the chronic anxiety and I believe worked through a lot of PTSD (it took my a long time to even realize/recognize my PTSD while still in the "T".
BUT... .5 years of accommodating my parents and always trying to make sure they didn't have a conflict with my sister because I wanted to spend time with them when she might want to also has got me to a pretty upsetting place with my parents. It started with me saying "oh, if you want to have Christmas with sister and her family, I totally understand, Christmas is great for kids. We'll have you over to our house the week before, or we'll come over on boxing day and cook you dinner, or etc." Repeat this for every "family" holiday. It didn't bother me, except that I did feel like I was always the one initiating the alternate plans. I think it was a passive-aggressive thing for my parents to "leave it up to me." So, being empathetic to their quandary of actually having sister in their life, I just counted it as a cost I had to pay for going NC. I see now that I was harbouring some resentment over that though! Whoops.
Over the years, the amount of time I spend with my parents has definitely decreased. 5 years ago, my husband and I would spend a summer holiday week with them and maybe a week in the winter, plus "not-on-the-actual-holiday" dinners and celebrations with them throughout the year. Slowly but surely, this has drastically decreased. It started with them not inviting us on a winter holiday, going on 3 years now. I have brought it up, but nothing ever comes of it. So no more winter get-away with them. Both parent's birthdays fall in the middle of summer, and summer is the only time sister and family can get away to their cabin, so we don't see them on their birthdays and we don't go to the cabin from June to September, leaving the place free for sister and family to visit whenever. Ok, makes sense, my husband I don't have kids and can take holidays whenever. So We've been going in spring and fall. This is a three-season cabin, and we're basically welcome to use it in the "off-season." Ok. I love it out there in the fall! But my parents usually don't want to or can't come in the fall. So we might see them for a long weekend in the "shoulder" season out at the lake. Or might not. Ok.
We got to see them for a week at the end of august this year at the lake, and my husband's parents and his brother and brother's GF all came out too! Great! Had a good time, and I asked parents if it was alright if husband and I came out for thanksgiving again to the lake, and if they would be able to come too. "Yes, you are welcome to come, no, we can't make it." Ok.
I called my mom today and she said she was going to call me to tell me that husband and I can't go to the cabin for thanksgiving because they were going there with sister and sister's family. "I know that messes up your plans," she said. I said "Yes, because I asked if you wanted to spend thanksgiving with us out there." And my mom said "well, to be fair, it is sister's turn" (meaning turn to have thanksgiving with them). She then breezily went on to tell us that a neighbour at the lake had complained about our dog, and that we "hadn't made a very good impression"-- I said "Well it's a good thing we won't be going to the lake then isn't it" and she quickly said "oh no no, that had nothing to do with it." I told her She could probably tell I was upset and that we should revisit this later and said goodbye.
I'm so hurt. I feel like my parents value time with my sister more than they value time with me. I feel like my mom tried to gaslight me into thinking that I was a bad person (with a bad dog) immediately after disinviting me to use her cabin. I feel like an ass because I completely realize the cabin is her and my dad's house, and I use it as a guest, and I am lucky to be able to. But I really suspect my sister heard about me having my in-laws out to the lake, and got possessive (of the cabin and my parents) and manipulated my parents into this situation. I am angry because I know she's capable of doing this and angry because my parents can't or won't stand up to her manipulation and so hurt that my mom would be so nasty to me.
I am feeling so marginalized. For a quiet middle-child with two mentally ill siblings, I guess you could say I'm triggered.
I know there is a cost to going NC. It's still worth it not having my sister in my life, but dammit if she doesn't find a way to needle into my psyche. I want to sue her for "alienation of affection" and "being an elder abuser" and "being a terrible person" and and and... .And I wish my parents stopped trying to be so fair when one of the "players" is a cheater in the game.
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