Sending a gift to my son upsets me.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Over three months since the breakup, two months NC. The last time i saw him he was a raging monster. During that last dreadful night, he drank three bottles of red wine and went on for hours about how awful i am, how he desires another (perfect) woman, how my 9 year-old son is unbearable, mentally sick and homicidal, how i am mad and stupid for not realising that my kid will take revenge for my terrible mothering and kill me some day, how my whole family is sickening, etc etc etc. His words were so ugly that i never told them to anybody. Sometimes i think i would need to do that to foster my healing process.

After that night i broke up with him and restrained contact. The little communication we had was quite calm and respectful. Then, a month later, he raged again out of the blue and attacked me in a vicious way that has left me deeply traumatised. That's when i went NC.

Today, as i came home with my son, there was a thick envelope in the mailbox. There was a book inside, a children's book of the kind my son loves most. Along with it, a handwritten note from BPDx: "This is a small thought for (son)'s beginning of school. My kid is all happy, i am baffled.

These "things" - the envelope, the book, the note - feel like an intrusion. Like a hypocrite testimonial of goodwill that was unasked for. As much as it could be perceived as a trivial matter or as a nice way to apologise, it makes me angry, sad and confused. He infringed my wish to stay out of contact and forces me to "deal" with him. Like, how to not reply on such a nice gesture? Or: how to reply to the gesture while, at the same time, explaining that he has to stay out of our life? Or: to not do anything at all, since all contact would result into something uncontrollable and fundamentally unmanageable?

I know that he loved me and my son in his own complicated way, but he also caused a damage that has and will take huge amounts of energy, patience, strength and therapy to overcome. I understand that, if a simple envelope can hurl me into PTSD, i am far from reaching my goal of stabilising and thoroughly healing my scars. It is a setback. I feel like crying but can't, because my beloved child is reading his new book right next to me.

This is another aspect that complicates things further: i have to go through it all while protecting my son (from knowing the whole truth, from being needlessly traumatised, from seeing my fragility... .) but, since he's a bright kid with a lot of questions, i also have to provide some answers. I think he perceived my bewilderment, but trying to explain could be a double-edged sword... .

[Jami]

Over three months since the breakup, two months NC. The last time i saw him he was a raging monster. During that last dreadful night, he drank three bottles of red wine and went on for hours about how awful i am, how he desires another (perfect) woman, how my 9 year-old son is unbearable, mentally sick and homicidal, how i am mad and stupid for not realising that my kid will take revenge for my terrible mothering and kill me some day, how my whole family is sickening, etc etc etc. His words were so ugly that i never told them to anybody. Sometimes i think i would need to do that to foster my healing process.

After that night i broke up with him and restrained contact. The little communication we had was quite calm and respectful. Then, a month later, he raged again out of the blue and attacked me in a vicious way that has left me deeply traumatised. That's when i went NC.

Today, as i came home with my son, there was a thick envelope in the mailbox. There was a book inside, a children's book of the kind my son loves most. Along with it, a handwritten note from BPDx: "This is a small thought for (son)'s beginning of school. My kid is all happy, i am baffled.

These "things" - the envelope, the book, the note - feel like an intrusion. Like a hypocrite testimonial of goodwill that was unasked for. As much as it could be perceived as a trivial matter or as a nice way to apologise, it makes me angry, sad and confused. He infringed my wish to stay out of contact and forces me to "deal" with him. Like, how to not reply on such a nice gesture? Or: how to reply to the gesture while, at the same time, explaining that he has to stay out of our life? Or: to not do anything at all, since all contact would result into something uncontrollable and fundamentally unmanageable?

I know that he loved me and my son in his own complicated way, but he also caused a damage that has and will take huge amounts of energy, patience, strength and therapy to overcome. I understand that, if a simple envelope can hurl me into PTSD, i am far from reaching my goal of stabilising and thoroughly healing my scars. It is a setback. I feel like crying but can't, because my beloved child is reading his new book right next to me.

This is another aspect that complicates things further: i have to go through it all while protecting my son (from knowing the whole truth, from being needlessly traumatised, from seeing my fragility... .) but, since he's a bright kid with a lot of questions, i also have to provide some answers. I think he perceived my bewilderment, but trying to explain could be a double-edged sword... .

[Hisaccount]

Stay no contact.

When dealing with a normal person and a normal breakup sure. You send them a thank you or something. But this is not a normal person.

You are a good person. You are feeling and acting like a good person should. But you cannot do that with someone who is sick or has a broken mind.
The same rules don't apply.

Stay no contact or you are just opening the door for more hurt and damage.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jami, I think it's important for you to keep good boundaries in order to protect yourself and your son in the aftermath of your b/u.   Those w/BPD generally don't respect boundaries and this is a good example of that.  Is there a way for you to let him know that you don't want him to send gifts to your son?  Alternatively, next time you could return the envelope to him.  If you give an inch, a pwBPD will take a mile, so be careful.

LuckyJim

[Jami]

I had my first counselling session at a state service for the protection of DV victims the morning after receiving his "package". My new counsellor is a middle-aged lady of the tough-and-bright kind i adore. A combination of warmth and sharpness. She listened to the whole story and gave me some really good advice. I found several items belonging to him around the house and obviously want to get rid of them. The plan is to pack them in a bag together with a letter, the content of which i defined with my counsellor. It should sound approximatively as follows:

1. Validation:
I appreciate his gesture and apologies. I appreciate his awareness that his actions were brutal and hurtful.

2. Boundaries:
Being aware of the pain he caused he will also understand (accept) that what i / we need most now is to be left alone. I ask him to not contact us in any way and respect our need for peace. I underline that this applies to my son as well.

3. Consequences:
I will restore my professional accounts and website (which he hacked and destroyed). Though i have decided not to pursue him legally so far, he must know that if there is any infringement from his side i will report him to the police.

4. Conclusion:
A copy of this letter goes to the above mentioned Service for the protection of DV victims.
I wish you all the best

My mother would then bring the bag with items and letter to his mother.

Any thoughts?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jami, Sounds like progress!     I wonder if there is a way to return his items without getting the mothers involved.  I generally try to avoid triangulating (or, in your case, maybe it's "quadrangling".  You get the idea. LJ