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Author Topic: NC day3 I'm breaking down without her and broke down while with her  (Read 420 times)
Freeatlast_1
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« on: September 15, 2017, 01:33:28 AM »

So my ex and I have broken up before in September of last year, we dated others and got back together in March 2017. We have gotten in a lot of other fights since March, we have not had two weeks of a stable peaceful relationship.

Then we broke up a month ago,  she went to Spain for a change of pace then she came back begging me back, I went back but I was still not in it. I've been really avoiding her the whole time, I have not felt safe at all with her.

Then she flipped out because I laughed at her  well she was crying and called her a child which she took very personally. I have done that many times before and she laughed with me and admitted that she was acting like a child but this time around she did not want to take it. She broke up over text.

Since then she has been texting me that she wants to go to therapy and that it's my fault, and that this is not the right time to go to therapy but in the future. I have not replied to any of her texts in the past three days, because they came across like a push pull,  she would say I miss you and I am having a very hard time then she would say things like I cannot be with you right now because you need to go to therapy so you can validate me more etc. etc

 I have not spoken to her in the  past three days, and I have been feeling very strong. I have been recording voice messages about my feelings and documenting my level of anxiety or my strength so I can keep track of where I am emotionally.

Tonight I just came home from a night out, I had a date with someone new, but I was completely disconnected from her, I'm not gonna call her back. That was the first date at the last date. We could not connect. Then I went out for drinks with friends, I came home miserable. My heart is sinking, my stomach is hurting, I have a major anxiety attack remembering my ex and feeling horrible about everything.

What hurts me the most  is that if I had decided to stay I know I'd be miserable. If I went to therapy with her I know that she's going to come up with other things, blame me for everything, justify her yelling screaming and victimizing herself. She complains that I have double standards with her that I don't let her express herself but she doesn't understand that she's the one that has the double standard  and I never used these words to describe the abuse that she puts me through. This is a woman that one day would tell you she's crazy for you and the next day she would pull. I don't know how I can validate or feel safe with someone that takes your heart tosses it picks it up and tosses it again. I don't know how I can be myself or how I can be vulnerable with someone that would cry  in my arms saying how lucky she is to be with me and the next day she would snap and say it's over.

I have become very distant from her in the past two months, because of all of this dynamic. But right now I'm dealing with all the aftermath of this. The pain that I'm feeling is so deep, I don't know how I can get over it. My fear is that I'm  never going to get over it. I tried it last time when we broke up the first time, and I dated other people and she did too, the whole time while dating other people I was sick in my stomach for eight months. I had a three-month relationship with someone, that I ended because I was so emotionally sick missing my ex. A month after I ended that relationship I got back with my ex by sheer coincidence  because she also left the guy that she was dating. She claimed that she was thinking of me to the whole time and she was missing me she even told him that she missed me. She was calling me every month while she was in that relationship telling me how she's dreaming of me and how he is priming her for me. She kept me hanging, and I could not do no contact with her because  I couldn't get the strength to block her.

 I told one of my friends a few weeks ago the password to my phone, and I told him that whenever I'm not looking grab my phone and just block her so that if we have no contact, at least  I wouldn't know that she is blocked. Because I know when I block her I unblock her right away like a reflex. So I had lunch with my friend today and when I went to the bathroom he logged into my phone and blocked her. He didn't tell me. Then while driving I thought about it  and I thought let me check he probably blocked her for me. And I was right my friend was looking out for me he grabbed my phone and blocked her. I unblocked her immediately.

I'm going through so much pain deep inside, the truth is I'm dying to be with this girl, I'm dying for her to come back and just say what she usually says, "I want you to be here for me while I seek therapy, I know I have a lot of things to work on "she told me that so many times which kept me in the relationship. But right now I  Think she is in so much pain that she's probably going to find someone else as soon as possible.

The crazy part is I had promised her that I will meet with her and her dad on Sunday to discuss her career goals since I am always mentoring her as I much successful in my field and her dad trusts me, and wants me to guide her. I had agreed to that last week. I honestly want to see her and I'm dying to be with her, but I'm not sure if she's gonna cancel the meeting on Sunday or not.

I am so distraught thinking how she was sitting on my couch last week trying to get my attention and I was watching TV, I would not look at her, and then she would  poke me and literally say "I'm trying to get your attention stop neglecting me ", when I'm with her I'm neglecting her because I'm scared of her switching on me, and I was right. If I had given her my heart again completely I would've been in 100% more pain than I am now. I kept my heart guarded and she felt it. But now I  feel pain still, I could not guard myself enough.

Now I regret taking her back after she got back from the trip I should've stuck to my grounds. I should've left the ball in my court, she's probably much better off right now that she left the relationship. I was very content  being the dumper just two weeks ago. But at the same time I was dumping her every moment because I was neglecting her and not answer her calls or texts for the past few weeks too.

So now I'm sitting with myself trying to figure out what the hell do I want. A part of me feels that I cannot  Live without this woman, part of me just wants to take the abuse and stay in the relationship as long as I could see her face. Another part of me was miserable in the relationship, I would neglect her all the time, I could not be vulnerable one minute. So I don't know how to handle the situation.  I could live with the pain, but I did it for eight months and our first break up and it was miserable, dating others was miserable, every time I kissed someone else I got sick. I just feel like I'm breaking down with her, but I'm breaking down without her, I don't know if there is a way out of this.

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« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2017, 06:55:11 PM »

Hi Freeatlast_1,

Welcome

We have gotten in a lot of other fights since March, we have not had two weeks of a stable peaceful relationship.

I'd focus my attention here. You have a good friend, friends are people that care about us and look out for us. The fact that he blocked her on your phone telegraphs that she's bad news. I hear a lot of conflict in your words, the heart and mind aren't aligned, I suggest to listen to the logical side of your mind.
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« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2017, 07:16:02 PM »

Hi Freeatlast_1,

What I hear in your post is that you're feeling very mixed and strong emotions at the moment and that's understandable given what you've described of your history with this woman.  The fact that you've had NC for 3 days tells me that you're going through the toughest part, when your mind is racing for answers and your heart is craving the fix you so desperately desire.  What happens at this point is that the mixture of rapidly moving thoughts and strong emotions creates a sense of urgency about the situation and a wish to act. 

Trust me when I say that taking a deep breath, telling yourself it's OK to feel this way and occupying yourself with something else (preferably something enjoyable you can get involved in fully) can help you to get through these moments.  There is no urgency to act or make firm decisions at this point in time.  You don't need to have all the answers or map out your future today.  Take it one step at a time and try to slow down the process so that you can work through it in a healthy way.  Some time and space to step back from things allows the urgency to pass and instead offers a clearer view.

My advice would be to NOT go jumping into dating anyone else again for some time.  It has not proven an effective way to distract yourself and in fairness to the other potential women you are not ready so it would be kinder to not market yourself as such.  There is healing to be done before you could truly consider being with someone.  Make this time about you now and nobody else.  Is this something you can consider?

Love and light x   
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wastelandchic

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« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2017, 07:48:12 PM »

Freeatlast,

You know in your heart how this ends, don't you? Be honest with yourself. There were plenty of moments within my relationship where I had these epiphanies of sorts wherein I absolutely knew with certainty that it simply wasn't meant to be. And I have particular faith in those instincts precisely because I experienced those moments of clarity while I was still with her. I wasn't feeling lonely (although we all know how lonely it can be with a BPD lover, even in their presence) so that urge to reach out to her to fill the void and temporarily relieve the suffering were already abated. Ironically, I was confident and secure enough to make those decisions in those moments because the longing and heartache had been temporarily arrested. I always found it curious that when I was finally back together with her in a hapless recycle that I would immediately start questioning why I so desperately wanted to be with her. I would find myself looking for reasons to extricate myself, probably because I knew what the future held in store - worse treatment than the time before. That is likely what you were experiencing while sitting with her yet distancing yourself.

I cannot count the number of times I ended it firm in the knowledge that I was doing the right thing only to find myself attempting to salvage a horrible relationship merely to stop the hurting. Not surprisingly, those misguided attempts at reuniting were ultimately abysmal failures and only brought that much more suffering, prolonging the recovery.

So many times I dumped her on her ass only to come crawling back KNOWING very well that my initial instinct was correct. You are feeling intense pain and longing, not because you genuinely miss her deplorable behavior and push/pull antics, but because you are very lonely and looking for anything to stop the pain. In some respects, those of us who continually recycle existing toxic relationships or enter into relationships where things are "off", are similar to our BPD loved ones in that we, too, cannot be alone. I know that's the case for me. I have acknowledged my codependent ways and come to the conclusion that I'm struggling with my one demons more than I'm struggling with the loss of the relationship. Like I said in another thread: people who TRULY LOVE one another do not do these kind of things. They don't demonize, vilify, blame shift, gaslight, rage, argue and fail to take responsibility for their actions. That isn't love my friend. People who truly love their significant other don't go out of their way to hurt them. In my case, my ex would "kitchen sink" me and lob insult after insult and point out all my perceived flaws in one flaming pile of sh*t, exacting maximum damage. How sadistic is it to tell the person you will love for eternity that they are essentially awful, worthless people?

DO NOT reach out to this woman. Resist and fortify yourself. You will feel that much more guilt-ridden and anxious after having given in and been recycled for the umpteenth time. You will continue to lose precious dignity and self-respect each time. Do the difficult but right thing and hunker down with your pain. You won't regret that in the long run... .
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« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2017, 07:49:22 PM »

Hey freeatlast -

Sounds like you two belong together and can't keep making excuses why you shouldnt be together. Frankly, I don't think I could go on a date right now, when everyone implores me to. You have 0 closure, which is common. 3 days of NC is nothing, LOL, mine just went 10 days and I regrettablly reach out and it's "hi I'm fine, busy with work and stuff I'll ttyl" in other words she wanted no part of it. My whole story has a similar drama to yours, no one is dating anyone else... .that is difficult.

My point is if you are thinking about her, highly likely she is thinking about you. The emotions will be there, everyone just needs to admit that whatever pulled you apart isn't important. What's important is what keeps bringing you back, it is a complete waste of time to date. Thank god I didn't try, it's too depressing. This hand needs to be played out one way or another.

Give yourself time to think about what you want.

Stay tuned, highly likely she will reach out to you. She's just suppressing emotions, she didn't want a relationship milestone that's why she bailed on the dad thing.


It took mine 30 days to admit she still loved me and missed me, but it has at the very least given us both Renewed interest to the r/s. I'm holding out too, I probably shouldn't. Keep the NC, because communication is not adding any value for either of you.

Keep us posted! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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Freeatlast_1
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« Reply #5 on: September 15, 2017, 11:25:07 PM »

Hi Freeatlast_1,

Welcome

I'd focus my attention here. You have a good friend, friends are people that care about us and look out for us. The fact that he blocked her on your phone telegraphs that she's bad news. I hear a lot of conflict in your words, the heart and mind aren't aligned, I suggest to listen to the logical side of your mind.

Mutt- my friend isn't in my shoes. It's easy for him to block her because he isn't feeling the physiological symptoms I am, and I am aware it's an bodily addiction thing going on... .an emotional one because we have not had sex in weeks because of all the drama and push pull. My heart and mind are not alighed for sure and following my mind is the right thing but the toughest thing.
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Freeatlast_1
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« Reply #6 on: September 15, 2017, 11:33:18 PM »

Hi Freeatlast_1,
  Make this time about you now and nobody else.  Is this something you can consider?

Love and light x   

You know I've been working out, doing yoga, and going out with friends I've been having really good days where I feel like I should care less.  I even recorded myself talking about how I can care less, if she was with anyone, but I'm so blessed to be where I am right now etc. etc. but I figure out these are very transient moments, the painful moments are around the corner. Like today she called me telling me  what to say on Sundays meeting with her dad. She was telling me to ask her dad to pay for her rent and other things that she wants me to say and to be her advocate. I told her that I'm not going to do that. The man has enough respect for me that he believes I will speak my mind, and if I believe that he shouldn't be doing that then I'm not going to promote that.  She started yelling and screaming that I'm very selfish and I don't care about her and I did not going to advocate for her. And that if I don't want to advocate for her cancel the meeting, I said I will gladly cancel the meeting called her dad and canceled with him. He was very sad  about it because he wanted to spend some time with me because he likes me a lot. And then she sends me about 50 something texts telling me how selfish I am and how I'm not standing by her.

 The part that hurts me the most is that I feel I would like to, the whole relationship was very fraudulent. I feel like that I was sold something fake, basically cheated. I don't think I was special to her after all. A year and a half later and everything she told me I think I'm just like anybody else and her history, nothing special at all. I can be painted black overnight, and idealized overnight. I'm very disappointed in myself because I believed her.
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Freeatlast_1
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« Reply #7 on: September 15, 2017, 11:43:52 PM »



Wastelandchick -  I can definitely relate to your situation as well. I have dumped this girl countless times, she kept coming crawling crying begging literally on her knees literally holding my hands and asking for forgiveness. I would ask her to sit up and talk to me. She would sit there and say it's all her fault she is sick and she seeking help,  granted she is a therapist, has gone through DBT, and wants to do more work and spiritual work on herself, I had hope in us. I was helping us because she had many lucid moments where she would ask me "you tell me what you want me to do and I will do it, whatever it is that you want me to do to save us I am willing to do that"  so I will talk to her about EMDR, meditation, mindfulness, yoga, and a lot of reading about BPD so she can pick up when she dissociates and distorts. She agreed to everything, so I loosened up a little bit. I didn't think for second that all that talk was a lie.  I mean the girl is a smart girl, how can she say all that stuff and not mean them? Can't she see that I care about her so much and I want her best interest,?  I mean the girl is set for life with me if she can just act right. I am so disappointed that I  was sold a fraudulent product. All these words were fake, all these tears were fake, I just cannot believe that someone can be so lucid one day and snap completely the other day. Right now she painted me Block, she called me today yelling and screaming why I would not back her up and tell her  dad to pay her rent. I refuse to be her puppet, I keep encouraging her to start her own company and that I would help her in every step of the way, but she wants to depend on her dad because she can and the poor man is tired of it already.  So she freaked out today telling me that I'm so selfish and I'm not her advocate. When in reality I want her to actually be independent and the more successful on her own. Basically I'm shocked and disappointed how I had her lay on my arms while she was lying to me . My heart cannot believe it basically, my heart is in complete shock mode.  I wish she can just wake the hell up and get back to the way she was before when she took full accountability for her disorder, and started working on it. How is she going to be a good therapist if she has not tackled her own stuff? That keeps mind-boggling me.
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Freeatlast_1
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« Reply #8 on: September 15, 2017, 11:55:02 PM »

BPDbuddy  I know for sure she's going to reach out to tell me that she loves me and misses me and cannot live without me and that she's the biggest idiot in the world for making this decision and she would do anything and everything in the world for me to forgive her.  She started writing me a poem, she wanted to write to me what vows this month, I didn't even proposed to her. The girl would wake up in the morning and call me just simply to "hear my voice "that is the same person who split me back  in two minutes, and I became the worst person in the world. As much as I want to be with her, I don't think I can right now, maybe 10 years from now when she's completely healed. I know that she's working on her self as a therapist, and also with other therapists and going to DBT again and going through neurofeedback and a bunch of other things to prove herself. So I know in 10 years she will probably be OK.   But I am not willing to wait 10 years until she becomes conscious. Right now she operates  on auto pilot, what she feels is facts, and that's going to decide everything in the future. Her feelings guide every decision from make up to break up one job to another hating or loving someone all depends on her feelings which change every two minutes. So there's no way I can deal with this woman.
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« Reply #9 on: September 16, 2017, 06:08:49 AM »

How old is she ? And when was she diagnosed?
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« Reply #10 on: September 16, 2017, 07:27:43 AM »

I think one of the hardest things we have to do is to decide for ourselves that this is never going to work. Even when they are in therapy it doesn't particularly mean that they will be able to get better. Somethings can be rooted too deeply. I struggle with the same stuff. Basically, I am lucky that she started giving me the silent treatment I guess. This gave me the strength to block her on Whatsapp and FB, because she wasn't talking to me anyway.

It makes me feel terrible in 1 way and good in another. I am hoping she will contact me, but then again, just like you, I don't want to be in the same kind of relationship with her any longer. I love her, and I want to be with her, but not anymore in the way it was. I have given it many attempts to see if things could be different, but the drama kept on coming. One way or another. Just like you I can't do these battles anymore.

I can probably never give her enough to make her actually feel I love her. And at this point, I basically don't trust her any longer. Will you be able to still trust her if you ever got back into a relationship?
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Freeatlast_1
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« Reply #11 on: September 16, 2017, 10:05:44 AM »

How old is she ? And when was she diagnosed?

She is 29 I'm 37
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Freeatlast_1
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« Reply #12 on: September 16, 2017, 10:15:19 AM »

Roy of course I don't trust her.

 Until this day, because she texted me yesterday, she is blaming the failure of the relationship on me. She claims that she has tried everything with me and I still treat her badly. She claims that she hates the way I talk to her. She claims I constantly snap at her. She doesn't see  what she does. So when I tell her stop don't cry like a child, she considers that a snap when she's going hysterical and crying and yelling and screaming. When she tells me that "I need you to convince my dad to pay my rent"  I tell her that making $2200 is decent, you shouldn't need the man to pay your rent, and if u want more money then you should create your company and expand your career. She considers that has a snap as me not supporting her or not backing her up. One time I got in the car and she was making bubbly baby noises to me trying to "spoil me "and I told her to "stop now babe please"  because I was not in the mood at that moment, she considers that a snap and bad treatment on my side. She never asked me why, what's wrong, what's going on?, None of that. So apparently I treat her bad by just being myself. She forgets the times when we were good and she picks the times when  I disagree with her or I snap at her. I cannot be in a relationship where I cannot disagree with someone or I cannot tell him that they're acting like a child when they are just an example.  She continuously is asking me to go to therapy with her as a contingency. I don't think any amount of therapy is going to help her not get affected by my responses sometimes, she hates her dad and her mom because they respond like that.  She only wants people around her who enable anything and everything she saying, support her in every single way, and finally she will lose all respect for them and walk all over them. I kind of feel very uncomfortable with her horrible relationship with both mom and dad. Granted both of them love me and want me to stay with her.
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« Reply #13 on: September 17, 2017, 02:12:39 PM »

Freeatlast_1,

have you spent any time learning the communication tools we teach here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704924#msg12704924)

it will probably give you a better impression of how this style of communicating with her is hurting, not helping.   

youre really entrenched here in your position, and i understand why, and how its gotten to that point. i really encourage you to give the lessons (the communication tools) a read. you may be inclined to say youre done, that you dont want to learn "BPD speak", but ill tell you, those communication tools changed my life, and i use them with everyone in my life all the time.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Freeatlast_1
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« Reply #14 on: September 17, 2017, 04:04:41 PM »

How old is she ? And when was she diagnosed?

She is 29 and I am 37
She was diagnosed last year before going through one year of DBT. Didn't do much.
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