I don't enable anymore but he rages on me

[Firebird34]

I met my husband three years ago and we had a whirlwind relationship. Got married and pregnant pretty quick. Then, he started going from loving me to hating real quick. One minute I'm the best thing ever, then in the next I'm evil. He ended up breaking my stuff and eventually abusing me. Long story short, he relapsed on drug and alcohol. (I've done either) He was diagnosed at rehab as borderline personality disorder. I looked it up and he is that to a T! We'll be married two years next month and we are just in chaos. We moved halfway across the country to start over but hes still drinking and he's still "splitting ". He calls friends (because family won't talk to him anymore) to say hateful things about me, blames me for everything, and takes up all my time. I have three kids and homeschool. I've lost myself and can't even focus on anything but his shifting moods and drunken Shenanigans. I don't enable anymore but he rages o. Me. Nothing I do matters. The church tells me to work on myself and that I need to change before he will. The church also says the kids don't come first, my husband does and I have stay and do my part even if he never does his. I feel like I'm going insane. I don't know up from down. I'm scare to think of how my kids,are going to grow up witnessing his treatment of me. But im tored because the church says it will hurt my kids more if i leave. He's stopping hitting me but still shoved me and will o cassionaly break stuff. He's very verbally abusive still.

Just looking for support. Not looking for whether I should stay or go. Maybe just how to handle the splitting he does.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Firebird34, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time. I'm glad that you decided to join us, there is hope.

You probably already know that a pwBPD ( person with BPD ) see the world and the people in it as either black and white and cannot see it as an integrated whole. Good people have bad qualities and bad people have good qualities. It's not something that a pwBPD can control, there are only two things that you can control your thoughts and feelings. My advice is when he's verbally abusive or blows up, I'd advise to change the tempo by finding something else to do, go and mow the grass, run out for an errand but don't subject yourself to his behaviors.

He's stopping hitting me but still shoved me and will o cassionaly break stuff.

How recent has he done this?

Domestic violence  [women]

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Firebird,

Welcome ,

I"m so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time right now. It makes things more confusing when the church doesn't quite understand what is really going on. They often have no training in atypical mental illnesses, especially BPD and think that the fights going on are typical marital difficulties.

I am reading a great book right now that has really helped me gain some serious perspective on my marriage, BPD, and my relationship with God. It's called 10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages  by Karla Downing. This book takes everything that we teach on this site and puts it into a Christian context.

When your H shoves you or breaks things what do you do?

Setting up a safety plan and getting yourself and the children out of immediate danger is extremely important for you. This might mean leaving the house quickly when things are serious and then returning after they have calmed down. Some things you might get together for a safety plan is having a bag with extra clothes and some personal hygiene products kept safely somewhere, even if it's in the home of a friend from church. If possible, tuck away some money. Perhaps even get an extra set of car keys that you can keep on you at all times.

When your H begins to get worked up, maybe you could send the kids outside to play and then don't let him get between you and a point of exit. One thing that i've learned though is that it's important to let your pwBPD know that you are leaving the house temporarily so things can calm down. I will often say, "I don't like to be yelled at. I'll be back in 30 minutes" and then I just go. I don't argue about it or engage in the conversation. I know that if I am walking out of the door that means things have escalated to a point where I do not feel safe.

Here's our link to creating a Safety First plan .

[Cole]

Firebird34,

I am sorry to hear you are going through all this. PLEASE read the link on domestic violence Mutt posted for you.

Shoving is not much different from hitting. If this is still happening, things need to change. I know from my experience as a police officer that the violence against you will eventually turn into violence against your children if it is not stopped now. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Is he in any type of treatment? Does he admit or recognize he has a problem?

If the violence continues, please contact the police or a battered women's shelter. This is a boundary that cannot be violated.

[Radcliff]

Welcome to our community, Firebird!  I am glad to see the reply from Tattered Heart.  I was going to mention to you that I've seen several discussions on the board of the benefits and challenges of faith and church community with respect to BPD relationships.  She is one of the best people you could be talking to on this, so I'm glad she was quicker than me with her reply!

Just looking for support. Not looking for whether I should stay or go. Maybe just how to handle the splitting he does.

You have come to the right place.  You will find many in our community, and especially on this board, who are committed to staying in long term relationships.  If your outlook changes, there are different boards here for different situations, but that's your call.

Let me quickly echo what's been said about violence.  Please give us some background on what's been going on and how recently.  Nobody here will judge, and there are many of us who have experience on the receiving end who are staying in their relationships.  But we want to understand your situation and help you put safety first.

[Frankee]

Just looking for support. Not looking for whether I should stay or go. Maybe just how to handle the splitting he does.

For a minute there I felt like I was reading my own story.  Been together about 3 years.  Got pregnant pretty quick.  Before our baby was born, he changed to idolizing me as the woman from him and his salvation to getting physical violent and saying I was a horrible human being who is evil and looking to destroy him.  He relapsed on drugs a couple years back and tried to kill himself a couple times after handcuffing me to the bed so I wouldn't stop him.  We also packed up and moved our family to another state.  To a tropical beach town where we thought we would be happier.  Our stresses in life have shifted and I know we have taken on my financial burden, I feel the stress resonating at times.  Blames me for everything. Says I'm a habitual liar, he can't trust me, he's going to cheat on me, he's going to do whatever he wants from now on, I purposely try to make him angry and yell in front of the kids.  I've been also hearing a lot of how I need to change my dynamic and role in the relationship before he will change.  Which I get to a certain degree.  One person can only do so much though.  If the other isn't willing to even try, then you pretty much have hit a brick wall.

He is also very abusive emotionally and verbally.  Yelling at me for things that aren't even my fault.  Today I did what he asked and he still found something to yell at me about. I know I need to do better at setting boundaries and I really need to since I think he may commit adultery pretty soon.  For messages and pictures sent to women.  Whole different post.  Anyways, I get it.  Black/white good/evil up/down... there's no rhyme or reason for the person with the disorder and for the non's it's like a roller coaster that keeps sailing past the point to get off and the ride keeps changing twists and turns.  I hope you find refuge it expressing your feelings and thoughts on here like I know I have.