Cycling around the BPD track

[Cole]

After weeks of threats to move out and days of anger and rage, looks like dBPDw is moving on to the next step.

She is showing enormous guilt over how she has been acting. She told me yesterday that she does not deserve for me to be nice to her.

I am even seeing some self-awareness around her MI in a text that reads' "I don't want to keep hurting you with wild accusations. I don't want to make my family live in a toxic, terrifying environment. I know you want peace, too."

So, here we are on the 15th. She still has not spent a single day or night in the apartment she rented at the beginning of the month, even though she moved a lot over there and could. Still sleeping with me in our bed and snuggling up in my arms. She said the other night that she should make herself spend a night there. I asked, "Just a night or are you going to move?" No answer.

I guess we will see what the next few days bring as we go from guilt/shame to rage/anger to self-awareness, which will eventually cycle back to guilt/shame. If the anger/rage resurfaces, will use some new tools my T suggested.

Anyone else see this type of cycle in their BPDso?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Cole,

Do you mind if I ask what tools your T suggested? Maybe it's knowledge that could help members.

[Cole]

Hi Cole,

Do you mind if I ask what tools your T suggested? Maybe it's knowledge that could help members.

First is to not play into the Karpman triangle. She has firmly claimed the victim position and the entire tri-state area adjacent to it. She has positioned everyone in my family and hers as the persecutors and does her best to make me the rescuer by demanding I tell them all how they have hurt her. I do not play into it and tell her that if someone hurt her feelings, she is an adult and needs to address this herself.

Second, use SET. End by stating the truth ONLY ONCE and walk away if she persists. Never repeat it or it will just break down into a circular argument.

Third, do not play into the drama. For instance, she told me that to make ends meet after she moves out, she is going to get a job as a waitress at a strip club. This was strictly a "pity me!" move that I did not buy into. I suggested that if any woman could pull that off at age 48, it would be her, which took the wind out of her sails really fast. And when she started very noisily packing dishes to take, I offered to help her with the same result. T thought I handled both of these very well and actually got a good laugh out of the strip club comment.

It has really helped level her out as she is not getting the reactions she hoped for.

Today I took the kids to an event so she could finish packing and move the rest of her furniture and belongings out of the house to her new apartment. When we got home, I found she had taken no furniture, only a few clothes, and none of her toiletries save her travel bag. Ah, BPD commitment... .