I'm afraid for her

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everybody,
 
my girlfriend and I broke up less than a week ago, and I'm doing okay, but I feel so afraid for her.
 
We were together for 3 years. She was my first girlfriend (though I was 25 at the time), and I totally commited to her and the relationship (first love). I was devastated when I learned about her condition (BPD), but then read about it all I could and decided to handle it and be of support to her. We moved in together after half a year, got a dog, a car. It was not bad at all, we worked well as a couple and household, had great experiences and she made tremendous progress from the stability, I think.
After 1.5 years the initial chemistry slowly wore down, as it does with any relationship. The relationship was still good as we became used to it. But I began to pursue own interests again, which lead to a kind of regular subtle underlying conflict from then on, as she felt not loved enough anymore and missed the previous "me". That got to the point where she wanted me to move out after 2 years (at least she repeatedly said so). At first I was shocked and could not believe it, but then I slowly began to see good things in separating: feeling free again, unlimited time for my interests, room for new experiences and people. While I was in the process of moving out, it became clear she didn't actually want it. One night when she was crying terribly, barely able to breath, her whole body shaking, I couldn't bear her suffering anymore and agreed to stay.
Things grew to normal quickly again and at first I was happy, as well. At the same time doubts grew and I began regularly thinking and wishing for moving on and being on my own again. But I just couldn't do that to her, I still felt (and feel) a lot of sympathy and empathy for her, and really the last thing she deserves is her suffering. She also means a lot to me as a person!
Then, a week ago, as we returned from vaccation, she actually broke up with me, saying she didn't feel loved anymore.
I was surprised, but accepted it and told her I was thinking about breaking up as well. As not to change my mind again, this time I moved out right away to another city. I knew I couldn't bear seeing her suffering again, but it was already beginning as she was crying terribly, drinking and smoking, and pleading me not to leave.
I did anyway! She was totally in disbelief, and now it's been silence for days, and my conscience is torturing me. I left her in an appartement she cannot afford on her own and where everything reminds her of me, with a dog she already was overchallenged with as we shared the tasks, with almost no money and no close friends, her family living a thousand miles away, while needing to function for a university Master degree.
Now, I cannot stop thinking about how she might be coping, what she might be doing, and who possibly could be there for her. While I was in the act of moving out she casually told me how she would go about commiting suicide, which I didn't take too seriously since she often thought about suicide before, almost casually, but I cannot stop wondering what if she would actually attempt it? Now, being totally alone in the appartement (besides the dog), who would be there to find and save her?
What if she has a total mental breakdown, and still, there's nobody there to help?
Good thing is, she is in therapy. But does that suffice to get her through the breakup?
 
I don't know how I could forgive myself, if something happened to her...

[Reign_of_Light]

Hi everybody,
 
my girlfriend and I broke up less than a week ago, and I'm doing okay, but I feel so afraid for her.
 
We were together for 3 years. She was my first girlfriend (though I was 25 at the time), and I totally commited to her and the relationship (first love). I was devastated when I learned about her condition (BPD), but then read about it all I could and decided to handle it and be of support to her. We moved in together after half a year, got a dog, a car. It was not bad at all, we worked well as a couple and household, had great experiences and she made tremendous progress from the stability, I think.
After 1.5 years the initial chemistry slowly wore down, as it does with any relationship. The relationship was still good as we became used to it. But I began to pursue own interests again, which lead to a kind of regular subtle underlying conflict from then on, as she felt not loved enough anymore and missed the previous "me". That got to the point where she wanted me to move out after 2 years (at least she repeatedly said so). At first I was shocked and could not believe it, but then I slowly began to see good things in separating: feeling free again, unlimited time for my interests, room for new experiences and people. While I was in the process of moving out, it became clear she didn't actually want it. One night when she was crying terribly, barely able to breath, her whole body shaking, I couldn't bear her suffering anymore and agreed to stay.
Things grew to normal quickly again and at first I was happy, as well. At the same time doubts grew and I began regularly thinking and wishing for moving on and being on my own again. But I just couldn't do that to her, I still felt (and feel) a lot of sympathy and empathy for her, and really the last thing she deserves is her suffering. She also means a lot to me as a person!
Then, a week ago, as we returned from vaccation, she actually broke up with me, saying she didn't feel loved anymore.
I was surprised, but accepted it and told her I was thinking about breaking up as well. As not to change my mind again, this time I moved out right away to another city. I knew I couldn't bear seeing her suffering again, but it was already beginning as she was crying terribly, drinking and smoking, and pleading me not to leave.
I did anyway! She was totally in disbelief, and now it's been silence for days, and my conscience is torturing me. I left her in an appartement she cannot afford on her own and where everything reminds her of me, with a dog she already was overchallenged with as we shared the tasks, with almost no money and no close friends, her family living a thousand miles away, while needing to function for a university Master degree.
Now, I cannot stop thinking about how she might be coping, what she might be doing, and who possibly could be there for her. While I was in the act of moving out she casually told me how she would go about commiting suicide, which I didn't take too seriously since she often thought about suicide before, almost casually, but I cannot stop wondering what if she would actually attempt it? Now, being totally alone in the appartement (besides the dog), who would be there to find and save her?
What if she has a total mental breakdown, and still, there's nobody there to help?
Good thing is, she is in therapy. But does that suffice to get her through the breakup?
 
I don't know how I could forgive myself, if something happened to her...

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Reign_of_Light,

Your worries are understandable and with the fact I see from an earlier post that she has self harmed in the past it is no doubt very concerning for you.  I've been where you are and the FOG is thick I know.  Have you had any contact from her at all since you left?  What, if anything, did you agree upon regards communication from that point?

When it comes to suicidal ideation it is often difficult to know what to do for the best.  The straight answer is to take it seriously as it is a cry for help, whether the intent is there to go through with the act or not.  Should she reach out to you or have said something that indicates an intent already I'd suggest you encourage her to seek professional support from her therapist if they offer a service for crises, a hospital crisis team or a suicide helpline.  When she has made mention of this in the past, do you know who she spoke to?  Is there a friend or family member that she trusts and would open up to around this?  If you're not in contact but have these concerns, perhaps it would ease your mind to give this person a call and ask that they keep a close eye on her to ensure she is safe.

Here's a link to the site suicide protocol.  This is always at the bottom of the board in the Safety First! icon (red cross).

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm

I hope this helps.  Let us know how things go. 

Love and light x

[Reign_of_Light]

Hey Harly,
thanks so much for your help. Well, she only ever mentions suicide to me as far as I am aware of. She was hospitalized for her remarks before, and describes it as one of the most horrible experiences of her life. That's why she does not tell people (like family or her therapist) openly about it.
Anyways, to my impression her suicide remarks were not as much outcries for help, but more a part of her mentality. She often said things like "Well, if this or that does not work out, I can still kill myself.", seemingly considering it as the one option or escape she always has. But, also I had the impression that she has decided for herself to want to live.
Often she described her suicidal tendencies as an antagonist in her head that tells her to kill herself, and that she is fighting in her dark times.

I am hopeful, since she did the breaking up, and not for the first time. She might be feeling something else right now, but I think she must know that I am not the "one" for her, and that it will get better. When told me she wanted to end things, she appeared very strong and determined for like a week, until things got really with me moving out.
 
Nethertheless, you never know. This was the longest relationship she ever had, and also the first that was not long-distance. All the breakups before this one, she at least had family and friends at her side. Now it's only her therapist, and family/friends via phone.
 
I am vary of calling her, to be honest. For one I think it's best for both of us to avoid contact, in order to get over each other quicker. And also I'm afraid of rekindling hopes in her by "caring" so much to check if she's alright. Perhaps (only perhaps) she might even use it, to make me concerned and lure me to come to her... I don't know. I'd rather avoid it, but perhaps you are right and I should check in ...

[Harley Quinn]

I'd say that it would be wise to only act by advising her to seek help if she directly contacts you first rather than reaching out to check on her.  If you are not hearing from her, are concerned and don't wish to contact her directly, you could always ease your conscience by informing someone who she does speak to that you have worries about her safety due to the past statements you've mentioned.  In honesty I'd want it to be someone you can trust to not tell her that you've instigated this though.  That way you can detach knowing you did the right thing without her having to be aware of it.  Should there not be someone you can trust in this way then there is little you can do unless you choose to go against your instinct to remain NC.   

It's a difficult one and at the risk of sounding cold, her behaviour is not your responsibility.  If you knew without a shadow of a doubt that there is a risk it is important to act in some way.  However you also don't want to give her the wrong impression and allow her to think that this is a hook for you.  I have been in your shoes and I went full NC after informing him that this was my wish and haven't looked back.  It was really hard as I knew he was a risk and had made attempts in the past whilst we were together.  He is an adult and can seek help if he needs it through the right channels, which he's fully aware of.  Eventually it got easier and when I knew he'd been sighted walking around alive and well I soon felt better.  The thing is, I know that because he has this tendency and has for years, he could have the tendency forever and I can't be responsible for overseeing the safety of another indefinitely from afar, so at some point it's necessary to let this go. 

What do you feel most comfortable with?

Love and light x     

[Reign_of_Light]

Thank you so much, Harley.
You made me call her mother, which was good. I told her about my concerns, and she assured me that she is okay, and that she will check in at her regularely.
From her I also learned, that my ex-girlfriend is not eating well, meaning her anorexia is back, which makes me sad since she made so much progress in our time together (to the point of eating normally and healthily for quite some time, already). But probably harmful ways of coping were to be expected. Hopefully she will get over it soon!
What I didn't like so much, is her mother trying to discipline her daughter in the way of consciously refusing to be actively there for her or allowing her to come by. Her view is her daughter needing to finally learn to be and get along on her own ("She's 26 after all!". While I agree that my ex-girlfriend should use the situation and her therapy to learn being alone and kind of being at peace with herself, I think it might be too early in this extremely stressful situation she very well might need family support in. On the other hand, her mother is a troubled personality as well, so it might also be for the better...
I feel the urge to help and support her, but since this seems not possible in a beneficial way without fully returning as her caretaker, I will remain no-contact.
I so hope she is getting along, but I guess as long as she does not kill herself, she is bound to get better at some point...
 
Let's hope for the best!

[Harley Quinn]

I'm glad that you feel some relief from hearing she is fairly OK and at least someone else is aware of her suicidal thoughts.  It's tough to hear that her mother is taking this approach, however she also has known her all her life and probably sees it as a kindness to encourage her daughter's independence.  It is true that not enabling is a positive for a pwBPD, no matter how desperately they seek someone to care for them.  I'm sure her mother cares and wants the best for her.

Now that you are NC and have left the r/s, how are you feeling in yourself?  NC doesn't have to mean forever, and with some time and space away from the dysfunction, you may find yourself in a better place and able to keep a level of casual interaction in the future without going backwards.  Right now, you have a new beginning for yourself, so how are you approaching it? 

Love and light x

[Reign_of_Light]

Well, I'm positive and very much looking forward to a new chapter in my life, in a new city, with new people, making new experiences. I think I already did a lot of the mourning of the relationship while I still were in it, after the last almost-breakup, trying to figure out how I could leave her with harming her the least. Still, the last couple of nights, I always dreamed of her and woke up with a sad feeling, and sometimes I miss her. But then I enjoy all the time and space I have for myself now, and feel like getting to know myself better and learning to enjoy being by myself more and more.
I will be alright!

[Harley Quinn]

But then I enjoy all the time and space I have for myself now, and feel like getting to know myself better and learning to enjoy being by myself more and more.
I will be alright!

Aim for awesome   

As you find feelings come up, don't fight them and push them down.  You've been through a lot and it may hit you sometimes, so we're always here if you need somewhere to let things out by sharing. 

Glad to hear you're getting to know yourself better.  Sometimes that brings up stuff that's less than comfortable and we have the Learning board at your disposal to really dig beneath the surface and mine all you can from the experience.  In order to get the best out of future relationships this is well worth doing when you're ready. 

Enjoy the time and space for now!  It brought me a sense of ease and peace I'd not had for too long.

Love and light x

[Reign_of_Light]

Thank you ) !
 
Yes, dark and unpleasant feelings are part of the experience, and they make me wonder how undescribably bad it actually must be for her!
But no, I won't push my feelings down.
 
Thanks for the invitation! Yes, now that I am away for almost a week, a bleak loneliness returned that I already had forgotten about. With her I sometimes felt lonely as well, but not like I do now. That's something I want to examine and learn more about, and ideally learn how to be not lonely, but happily alone. Also as a solid basis for healthy future relationship(s).
 
Thanks so much Harvey, you've really been of help to me!
 
Love and light to you as well !